


Scars

by Krispytaco9



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, F/M, Romance, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:02:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 116,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24158560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krispytaco9/pseuds/Krispytaco9
Summary: Joining a literature club, reigniting old friendships while also sparking new ones. Kris is willing and able to make sure everyone in the club is happy. The club being his only safe place from the cage that is home, he begins to notice some of the other girls have scars as well. Some physical some mental. Scars may heal over time, but they never fade away.
Relationships: Protagonist & Yuri (Doki Doki Literature Club!)
Comments: 32
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

_“I’ve been searching for an exit_

_But I’ve been lost inside my head_

_Where I spend every waking moment_

_Wishing I was…”_

The sudden explosion of lyrics from “Pittsburgh,” by The Amity Affliction rips me out of my restless sleep. After a few moments of confusion from my awakening I fumble for my phone on my nightstand and shut off the alarm. After letting my eyes focus I gaze at the time. 6:30 AM.

“already time to wake up huh?” I mumble to myself.

My tiredness a cruel reminder of the relatively short amount of sleep I got last night. I begin to rise from bed but the sudden chill acts as a quick deterrent from abandoning the warm embrace of my bed. It is November and while winter isn’t in full swing just yet its effects are ever present. The days are shorter and its getting colder and colder. The heater is off still indicating that He has not left for work yet. I remain in bed drifting in and out of consciousness before I hear the front door slam shut. The silence of the early morning is broken by the ignition of the car outside only to gradually return as the engines roar dissipates down the street. Almost immediately I hear the heater kick on. After another five minutes I decide it is warm enough to leave the sanctum that is my bed to begin my morning routine.

After a quick shower I throw my uniform on and descend down the stairs fixing up my tie. I am met with the sent of freshly brewed coffee and my mothers sweet smile. Just another typical morning.

“Good morning.” My mom says with a rather forced positive attitude.

“Morning Mom” I reply.

I take a good look at her face and while she appears as cheerful as ever the signs are still there. The bags under her eyes, the way her smile just doesn’t quite reach her eyes. My mother is as optimistic as always. She wants to believe that everything is alright when it is not. That our family is happy and functional, when its not. I cant fault her though, somedays I wish it was too.

“Did you sleep well Kris?” she asks.

“yeah I slept fine” I reply, lying of course.

She gives me a smile and pours me a fresh cup of coffee. She begins washing the coffee pot out while humming to herself. The house is quiet, peaceful even. A stark contrast to the yelling that ensued only the night before. For hours the very walls shook with the angry retorts of the drunken man I call Father with my Mothers quiet voice barely peaking over his rage. I listened as I always do waiting just in case things went out of hand. Thankfully that hasn’t happened yet, and it never will while I’m around. I cant fault her though, who wouldn’t want something so simple as a happy family. Her determination is admirable but ultimately she just isn’t strong enough. She will never speak up for herself and if I try to defend her it only results in more yelling, more screaming, more sleepless nights. Who am I to judge, at least she is trying.

After a quick breakfast I kiss my mothers cheek and wave my goodbye as I make my way towards school. The air is crisp and cold making my breath puff out like smoke. Hands in pockets I make my way down the quiet street before a loud voice cuts through the silence of the early morning.

“Heeeeeeyyyyyy wait up!!” an overly cheerful voice calls out to me.

I see an annoyingly cheerful girl running towards me, arms in the air making a complete full of herself. This girl is Sayori, my next door neighbor and childhood friend. We were inseparable at one point but as the years went on we became more distant much to her dismay. Normally she would still be asleep at this time so I am briefly caught off guard by her presence. I idle on the sidewalk allowing her to catch up to me comedically gasping for air.

“I…..finally…..caught up…….to you.” Sayori exclaims between gasps for air.

“you didn’t have to run you know that right? I would have stopped and waited.” I reply smirking at her over the top exhaustion.

Regaining her composure Sayori laughs. “ I know but I haven’t seen you in what feels like forever so I got excited.”

It has been a while hasn’t it? Honestly I lose track of time nowadays. While I don’t go out of my to hang around Sayori like I used to its hard not to appreciate her cheerful attitude and childlike behavior. To be honest it is infectious but not in a bad way.

“it has been sometime hasn’t it? Maybe if you would stop sleeping in so much we could walk to school more often.” As I finish my remark I gently flick her on the nose. Causing Sayori to giggle.

“but sleep is just soooo good, its not my fault they make school so early.” Sayori takes a good look at my face and after a moment her cheerful expression shifts to concern. “Kris, are you sleeping ok?”

Her comment catches me off guard. Do I really look that tired?

“Don’t tell me you stayed up last night playing video games again.” Sayori says with an accusing tone.

My thoughts flicker back to last night, waiting by my door. Listening with baited breath for the yelling to turn into something more serious. Tightly gripping the….. I push the memory out of my mind and give a sheepish laugh.

“guilty as charged.” I reply with a smile.

“you really should stop doing that, it isn’t healthy to not get sleep at night. I worry about your health you know.” Sayori replies with great concern.

I laugh at her worries. “oh come on ill be fine besides I still manage to get up on time so don’t go lecturing me on bad sleeping habits.”

Sayori continues to stare before laughing. “you got me there Kris, we better get moving we don’t want to be late.” Sayori begins skipping towards school while I follow.

The walk is mainly quiet interrupted on occasion by Sayori’s cheerful humming. We reach a crosswalk and as we wait for the traffic light to signal our safe passage Sayori taps my shoulder.

“so Kris have you decided on joining any clubs this year?” Sayori asks.

“meh I’m not really interested in joining any clubs.” I reply shrugging my shoulders.

Sayori lets out a huff of air. “ you really should get more hobbies Kris, playing video games and watching anime is fine and all, but honestly you could use another hobby.” Sayori’s eyes lock me down in a deadly serious stare. As the signal light changes we resume our walk to school. A few more moments pass but I can still feel Sayori’s eyes burning holes into my skull.

“and what hobbies would you suggest?” I let out after a long sigh.

“ well why not join my club!” Sayori exclaims.

“I didn’t even know you were in a club.” I ask. “ when did you join a club?”

“ a few weeks ago, your staring at the vice president of the one and only literature club!” Sayori straightens her back and puts on a serious face as if her declaration would rouse a standing ovation from a crowd.

I let out a laugh at her goofy antics before replying. “Sayori, there is no way I’m joining a literature club.”

Sayori’s facial expressions turns to one of sadness. She puts on her iconic puppy dog eyes with just a hint of a quiver in her bottom lip.

“oh no don’t you start with that it isn’t going to work on me.” I reply trying desperately to not look into those sapphire eyes.

“Please? I promise you will like it. It’s a lot of fun and isn’t filled with busy work like other clubs.” Sayori pleads with her hands folded under chin for maximum guilt induction.

“Sayori I barely read any books, unless Manga counts as literature I am in no way a good fit for something like that.” I reply.

Sayori’s eyes light up. “Actually we have a member who almost exclusively reads Manga! As long as it can be read, it is allowed. Plus we are having cupcakes today so even if you don’t like the club you gain some sweet treats.” Sayori moves in front of me forcing me to stop. “just give it a try today and if you don’t like it I swear I will never bring up clubs again.”

I try to not make eye contact but it is already too late. Her spell has been cast and it is almost impossible to break. I let out a long sigh. “Fine I’ll come for one day, but I am telling you right now if I don’t like it I do not want to hear you begging me for another chance.” I point my finger at her to emphasize my point. “you got it?”

Sayori immediately hugs me and begins jumping up and down. the other people on the sidewalk give curious glances as Sayori makes a fool out of both of us. “oh thank you Kris I just know your going to love it!” Sayori exclaims.

I roll my eyes but crack a small smile. An infectious attitude indeed. “yeah, yeah, your welcome now let go already we are going to be late.” I reply as I lightly shove her off me.

Sayori giggles but falls along side me on our walk towards school. We reach the campus a few minutes later with Sayori waving her goodbye while cheerfully skipping to class. I shake my head in amusement before I walk to my respective classroom to begin another monotonous day of learning.

Class ends just how it began, boring and uneventful. I gather my things and head out the door to immediately find Sayori beckoning me from the end of the hallway. Before I catch up to her she bolts up the stairs forcing me to follow. When I emerge on the third floor she is already eagerly pointing at a door before entering the room. I roll my eyes at her unorthodox way of giving directions and make my way down the hall. I take a quick peek in the window. I see Sayori eagerly talking to the other occupants of the room. One girl is in the back reading a novel. Her hair is extremely long and she doesn’t appear to be even aware of Sayori’s excitement. I see another girl immerge from the closet with a slightly irritated look on her face. She is rather small and it makes me wonder if she is even in high school. The last occupant of the room is standing next to Sayori laughing at her antics. My eyes widen in surprise to see that it is Monika, the most popular girl in school and president, or should I say former president, of the debate club. After another quick scan I notice that there are no guys in the room making me the one and only.

“Maybe this club isn’t so bad after all.” I mutter to myself in amusement.

I take a breath of encouragement for whatever this day has in stow and gently open the door. I am immediately met with Sayori’s cheerful voice as loud as ever. “ahh there he is!” Sayori exclaims even louder. “thank you for coming Kris.” Sayori gives me her signature smile forcing one out of me.

“I told you I was coming didn’t I?” I remark as I pat her on the head. Immediately I am approached by Monika.

“its nice to meet you Kris, I am Monika president of the literature club.” Monika says with a cheerful smile. She offers her hand to shake.

“its nice to meet you too Monika” I reply returning the handshake. Monika smiles once more and begins to introduce me to the other members. “I understand you are acquainted with Sayori, in the back we have Yuri.” At the mention of her name the girl reading in the back who was introduced to be Yuri jumps clearly taken by surprise by her introduction.

“its nice to meet you Yuri.” I greet with a smile.

Yuri’s face reddens and she sheepishly returns my greeting. “i-it’s nice to meet you too Kris.” Yuri immediately begins reading her book again in a vain attempt at hiding her shyness. I chuckle softly at her timid nature as Monika directs my attention to the last member.

“and last but not least we have Natsuki.” Monika says as the girl in question crosses her arms.

“yeah hi, seriously Sayori if I knew our new member was going to be a guy I wouldn’t have bothered with the cupcakes.” Natsuki declares with a sour attitude.

I am taken aback temporarily by her attitude but quickly recover with a chuckle. “aww you know you didn’t have to make me cupcakes, but its sweet that you went through the trouble for someone like me.” I reply with an evil grin while Sayori and Monika chuckle behind me.

Natsuki begins blushing and huffs. “whatever, it’s not like I made them for you or anything.” Natsuki mumbles out her previous intimidating nature disappearing entirely.

Oh my god she is just a straight up tsundere. I think to myself repressing the urge to laugh. After introductions Monika claps her hands to get everyone’s attention.

“okay everyone since everyone is here I think its time to welcome our new member properly.” I give Sayori an accusing stare, judging by Monika’s statement it seems dear old Sayori failed to mention that I was giving the club a chance not out right joining. Sayori glances in every direction but mine whistling as if she is oblivious to the situation she put me in. Monika speaks up once again. “ Natsuki go ahead and gather the cupcakes, Yuri you can start the tea, and Sayori help me arrange some desks into a circle.”

After Monika gives her orders the members begin completing their assigned tasks. Yuri softly closes her novel and heads into the closest returning with an electric kettle and water pitcher. Natsuki follows after and brings out a foil covered platter while Monika and Sayori arrange five desks into a circle with one in the middle to hold the afternoon delicacies. Sayori sits down once the desks are arranged and I sit next to her with Monika selecting the seat on my other side. Yuri begins handing out tea cups to everyone before retrieving the steaming tea pot.

“I-I hope you like Oolong tea Kris.” Yuri asks timidly.

“ Never had it personally but I do enjoy tea.” I reply with a smile causing Yuri to redden even more before pouring the steaming tea into my cup.

After the tea is served Natsuki brings the platter to the center desk before unwrapping the foil with a flourish to reveal a dozen white cupcakes decorated to look like cats. Sayori’s mouth is comically hanging open as the rest of the members look at the delicious snacks with equally shocked expressions.

“your cupcakes never cease to impress me Natsuki.” Monika remarks as she retrieves one followed shortly by Yuri.

“yeah you know I try.” Natsuki remarks with a wide grin. She clearly takes pride in her baking skills. Sayori finally breaks free from her trance only to eagerly grab a cupcake and take a huge bite out of the treat. Laughing at her antics I take one for myself and take bite.

I close my eyes and try to suppress the tears forming. It’s almost like I died and went straight to heaven after just one bite. It doesn’t take me long too finish the treat while the others finish theirs shortly afterwards. Sayori is already reaching for her second one.

“Gotta say Natsuki these cupcakes are pretty damn good.” I compliment to Natsuki as her face turns red.

“Well it wasn’t like I was trying to impress you in the first place….” After a short pause Natsuki glances at me avoiding eye contact. “But thanks glad you liked it.” She quietly replies.

Yep a tsundere right down to the T. we all finish our tea and cupcakes and after a few moments Yuri is the one to break the silence. “So Kris, what kind of books do you read?” Yuri asks.

Crap I knew this was coming. I take another sip of my tea before replying. “well to be honest I don’t have preferred genre when it comes to novels. I mean I have read some books but the one’s they have us read in class are pretty dull so I am not what you would call a bookworm.” I blurt out an excuse for my lack of knowledge in literature. “ I like Manga though if that counts.”

Natsuki’s head perks up while Yuri smiles slightly. “not much of a reader than I assume.” Yuri replies with a hint of sadness.

I quickly blurt out a response. “Well like I said it’s not that I haven’t tried to read books, I guess you could say I just haven’t been properly introduced into the world of books save for English.” After saying this I quickly follow up on Yuri’s question. “what about you Yuri what kind of books are you interested in?”

Yuri begins tracing the rim of her teacup. “Well…” she closes her eyes and collects her thoughts before responding. “ I prefer novels that build deep and complex worlds. The amount of craftsmanship and the ability to basically create a story from nothing never ceases to amaze me. I also really enjoy phycological horror, the way the author is able to take your expectations, and throw you for a loop while also inducing a state of fear and uncertainty is just incredible.” Yuri continues in a clear and confident voice a complete contrast from her timid nature earlier. It becomes clear to me that Yuri finds more comfort in literature than with people. Seeing her timid nature melt away like this brings a smile to my face. Its nice to see someone be so genuinely passionate about something.

“Gotta say Yuri your making me want to read one of those horror books, do you have any recommendations for a complete noob such as myself.” I ask.

Yuri’s brief moment of confidence fades away entirely and her timid nature returns once again. “W-well I may have a book that you may like, I-it is not too long and its rather easy to follow along with for someone who doesn’t read too often.” Yuri’s blush deepens in color. “N-not that I’m saying you are bad at reading or anything j-just that you know…i-I don’t want to overwhelm you a-and dissuade you from pursuing other novels to read.” Yuri looks away as her voice trails off. She gently starts stroking her hair avoiding eye contact her blush is pure crimson.

I laugh sofly. “Yuri it’s okay you didn’t offend me or anything. I would love to read something that you suggest since you seem to be pretty knowledgeable about this sort of thing.” I give Yuri a reassuring smile as she slowly makes eye contact.

“W-well ok if you say so.” Yuri takes a breath and excuses herself from the table. She proceeds to her bag in the corner of the room and begins rummaging through it. I look around at the other club members. Sayori is leaning in her chair with her hand on her belly, clearly full of Natsuki’s delicious cupcakes. Monika is writing on a piece of paper but gives me a polite smile when she notices my stare. I smile back as she resumes her writing. My gaze lands on Natsuki who is reading a Manga called “Parfait Girls”. While I’m sure our taste in Manga are polar opposites its nice to see I am not the only Manga lover in here. Yuri returns shortly after with a novel in hand. The Front cover has an ominous looking eye on it with the title reading “The portrait of Markov”

Yuri carefully hands me the book. “Here I think you may enjoy this one.” Yuri says as I glance once again at the cover.

“what is it about?” I ask Yuri who ponders the question for the moment.

“Well without spoiling anything it is basically about this girl who moves in with her long lost sister. Pretty soon her life starts to take a strange turn as she is being targeted by these people who escaped from a human experiment camp. And while her life is in danger she desperately needs to choose who to trust. No matter what she does she destroys most of her relationships and her life starts to fall apart.” Yuri opens her eyes and awaits my response.

“well… that’s pretty dark. Consider me intrigued.” I give Yuri another smile.

Her Blush returns. “L-like I said it is a pretty easy read and if you want to after you are finished w-we could…..” Yuri turns away but keeps eye contact through the corner of her eye while she softly strokes her hair. “D-discuss it if you want.”

I repress a chuckle. Her timid and awkward nature has got to be the most adorable thing I have ever seen. I give her a smile. “ I think I would enjoy that Yuri.”.

Yuri smiles to herself in relief, I can almost see the relief spread throughout her body. Monika stands up and addresses everyone. “Okay everyone now that we have all gotten nice and acquainted, I think it is about time to end our meeting thought before you go I have a small project I would like all of us to participate in.” Monika gazes at each club member before continuing. “So I think it will be a great idea for each of us to write a poem tonight, and tomorrow we should all share these poems with each other. This way we can all show our new member our distinct writing style while also gaining a notion on how he expresses himself.”

Sayori gets a big smile on her face and becomes excited while Natuski and Yuri are less than pleased. “Seriously Monika I don’t want to write a poem for someone else’s approval.”

Monika gazes at Natsuki offering her a sympathetic smile. “I am not asking you to impress anyone Natsuki, just be yourself and write how you always do. This is mainly to help Kris become more accustomed to the club and makes for a nice literature excercie.” Natsuki still holds her ground only for Sayori to jump in.

“Come on Nat, your poems are soooo good, they are almost as cute as you are.” Sayori slides behind Natsuki who is becoming increasingly flustered, she grabs both her shoulders and gives them a gentle squeeze. “Almost as cute.” Sayori giggles as Natsuki squirms out of her grip.

“I am not cute!” Natsuki exclaims with a huff. After a moment of silence she sighs loudly before giving in. “Alright fine, I guess I can write one.” Natsuki points her finger at me as if it is a loaded handgun. “But you better not trash my writing style or I swear I will make sure your face well acquainted with the floor.” Natsuki threatens as I suppress the urge to laugh.

“Yes Ma’am!” I exclaim as I mock a salute at her, causing her to become even more flustered before plopping back into her chair with a huff.

Monika nods her head at Natsuki in approval before turning towards Yuri. “Yuri, are you ok with this?” Monika asks.

Yuri looks at all of us sheepishly, her gaze lands on me last and I give her a reassuring smile. She sighs out loud. “I guess I don’t have a choice.” Yuri sighs.

“Then its settled then, Kris I know this is your first day but I look forward to how you express yourself.” Monika gives me a smile as the rest of the members look my way.

Part of me wanted to let them know that I was never really intending to join their club. But as my gaze falls on all of the members and after learning more about the club and some its members I would feel like a real asshole to turn them down now. I make a mental note to never underestimate Sayori’s craftiness as I return Monika’s smile. “ thank you, all of you for the warm welcome. I look forward to returning.”

As soon as I say this Sayori cheers and hugs me bouncing up and down like a child. I groan at my embarrassment as the rest of the girls began chuckling to themselves. After we all clean up the club members start saying their goodbyes and Sayori approaches me.

“you ready to walk home Kris?” She asks.

“Sure lets go.” I reply waving to the other members as Sayori and I make our way back home.

The walk is quiet for the most part but even than I can tell that Sayori has a pep in her step. I smile to myself. How can someone be in such a constant state of happiness? I still don’t have the answer and I have known Sayori for years now. The world may never know.

As we approach our houses Sayori waves her goodbye and thanks me for giving the club a chance. I simply return the wave and make my way to my house.

As I enter the house my mother looks at me from the kitchen. “where have you been I was starting to get worried.” She asks with a concerned look on her face.

I mentally facepalm for not texting her I was coming home late. “ well Sayori convince me to join a club she helped form so from now on I guess I will be home later.” After I say this my Mother’s face lights up.

“well I am glad you are trying new things and getting out of the house, just next time let me know when you are going to be late.” She lightly scolds.

“Yeah I know, my bad. Well I am going to my room now.” I say as I make my way upstairs undoing my tie.

“Ok but dinner is starting soon so don’t be up too long, your father will be home soon.” I stop just shy of opening my door after she said that. My good mood is almost tarnished completely and I make a small prayer to whatever cruel entity is listening. Just please don’t have her mention me joining a club….a literature club at that. I sigh before entering my room, shedding my uniform for more casual clothing.

An hour later mom calls me down for dinner, and almost as soon as we sit the front door opens and bangs shut. We hear a long masculine sigh from the door as the heat is turned off immedialy.

“I don’t know who thinks that they can just wasted all of our electricity like this. Unless there is someone else in this house that actually makes a living they better speak up.” My father’s voice completely erases any of the joy I had experienced during the day. Now there is only bitterness. Just another typical day. He shrugs off his coat and proceeds to the cabinet to grab a glass. After which he pulls out a bottle of whiskey and pours himself a glass. After taking a healthy swig he tops it off once more before taking a seat at the table, his plate of dinner already prepared. After a few minutes of silence my mom decides to break the tension.

“so how was work today?” she asks.

My father looks at her with an annoyed expression, after another drink he replies. “about as good as any day at work goes, knowing that most of my money goes down the drain on worthless things like the heater.” My father laughs. “it isn’t even that damn cold and yet you decide that the house just needs to be nice and warm.” He shoots her a glare and proceeds to fill his glass up once again. I glance at my mother who is trying to come up with another topic of discussion, one that will hopefully be less tense.

As my father tops off his glass once again my mother comes out and says the very thing I was afraid she would say. “oh by the way Kris joined a club today.”

I repress the urge to facepalm and silently groan to myself. Oh mom if only you just knew how to quit. My father is quite for a moment and for a moment I gain a small amount of hope. As he sits back down he glances my way and stares me down. “ a club huh…” he takes another drink before continuing. “so what? Is it like an extracurricular activity? Cause lets be honest with your grades in math last year you can sure use the help.” He continues to stare me down awaiting an answer.

“it’s a literature club.” I reply dreading what is about to come next.

He starts laughing. “a literature club? Why the hell do you need to join a literature club for? Last time I checked you had an A in English so why the hell are you in a literature club?” he asks voice rising with each sentence spoken.

“its not for extra credit it’s just for fun.” I reply mentally preparing myself for what is coming next.

“oh ok well excuse me, I assumed that if you were going to waste your time doing something as dumb as a club it would be, oh I don’t know a bit productive.” He retorts as he takes another drink. I glance at my mother who is just staring at her plate. She clearly realizes that this was a bad idea. My father laughs again. “but sure go ahead waste your time at some club for fun, who cares if your grades are shit at least you are having fun.” He snorts before continuing. “well just let me tell you something, having fun is good and all but it amounts to jack shit in the real world. I would love to goof off and have fun too you know but I gotta work just to keep you and your damn mother afloat.” He takes another drink. “you know I work my ass off to provide for you two, I even let your mother convince me to send you to that fancy school of yours. She insisted that it would better prepare you for the real world and for a moment I believed her. Like always though your mother doesn’t know shit and yet I let myself be convinced by her so I guess I am a dumbass as well.” As I finish my plate and go to wash it in the sink, he proceeds to get up and stand next to me filling up his glass yet again. “Now you listen to me boy, you can waste your time having fun at some damn club all you want see if I care. But, if your grades start to drop you can forget this club, you can forget this fancy school, and ill be sure to beat your ass a new one so help me god you understand?” he points my way with his massive finger eyes full of anger, breath reeking of alcohol.

“yeah I hear you.” As I begin walking away he grips my arm stopping me in my tracks.

Putting his face into mine he asks. “the hell you say?” his tone becomes low. “I believe you gave me the wrong response, I know I taught you some fucking manners. Now what do you say?” his tone is dangerously low.

“yes sir.” I reply matching his stare showing no hint of fear.

He maintains eye contact for a heartbeat before finally releasing my arm and waving away. “just remember what I said, last thing I need is for you to end up as useless as your damn mother.” He replies as he takes his bottle and proceeds to the living room.

I make eye contact to my mother who is trying so desperately to keep her mask on. To act as if everything is alright. I give her a hug goodnight and tell her the food was delicious. Before I break the hug she lightly whispers in my ear. “I’m sorry.” I give her a sympathetic smile before kissing her cheek. I cant blame her she still has hope, who am I to try and take that away. God knows He does that enough on his own.

I make my way upstairs and have to resist the urge to punch the wall. My blood is boiling and my head is pulsing painfully. But I have to keep my anger in check, it will only lead to more heartache for mom. After a few deep breaths I sit in my chair and crack my neck. Turning my Xbox on I causally browse through the home menu looking for something to play. After a half hour of unsuccessful searching I simply turn it off and stare at the ceiling. Afterwards I move towards my window and glance at Sayori’s house. Her Parents are home and I can only assume they are having dinner, watching TV, laughing, or whatever functional families do nowadays. When I was young I use to be jealous of Sayori, at one point I may have even hated her for having such a good life. What did I do wrong? What did mom do wrong to end up with someone like Him. But I quickly learned at a young age that we don’t get what we deserve in this life, we get what we get. After a while I shut the curtains on the window and make my way to my desk. After flipping the desk lamp on, I pull out a sheet of paper and a pen. A poem huh? Not sure if I have ever written one outside of English but I began writing whatever comes to mind. After several false starts and discarded papers I finally get a good sense of what I want to write about.

Cages

**The Bird sits in its decrepit cage**

**Its bars are rusted, its food is rotten, its water scarce**

**Next to the bird’s sorry cage exists another bird in a cage**

**Its bars are pristine, its food is fresh, its water plentiful**

**The bird in the gilded cage spreads its wings and sings happily**

**Soon the bird in the decrepit cage mimics its neighbor**

**Both spend the day singing their song**

**As the sun sets and the moon gently takes its place upon the night sky**

**The cages are covered for the night**

**The bird in the gilded cage sleeps soundly eager for the sunrise**

**The bird in the decrepit cage however grieves in solitude**

**Its cruel reality comes crashing back**

**And yet the next day as the sun overtakes the moon the covers come off**

**And the bird in the decrepit cage sings its song**

**As if there is nothing wrong.**

I sigh after writing. “That is about as good as it’s going to get” I say aloud. Placing the poem in my bag. I get up and stretch, letting out a jaw cracking yawn in the process, as i make my way towards the bed I catch a glimpse of the half exposed box lying just underneath. Ignoring the chill going down my spine, I slowly kneel and slide the box out into the open. A thin layer of dust covers the top. Hesitantly, I go to open the box but stop myself. "You chose today, out of all days, you chose today to come back into my life." I whisper to myself, with a sigh of defeat I slide the box back under the bed. I slowly stand back up (ignoring the way my hands still tremble) and slowly lay down onto my bed. "Let's just see how this goes." I whisper hoarsely. 


	2. Chapter 2

“ _For a few minutes_

_Take me away from here_

_For a few minutes_

_(wipe away) Wipe away my tears…”_

Once again my alarm rips me from my slumber, albeit it was a more peaceful rest then the previous night. I fumble for my phone and shut off the alarm. The time reads 6:53AM. The gentle hum of the heater conveys to me that my father has already left for work. Standing from my bed, I shuffle my way towards the bathroom. After I finish my typical morning routine, I make my way downstairs for breakfast. I am once again greeted by the sight of my mother making breakfast. Her demeanor is somehow even more cheerful than before, even with the events of dinner the previous night. “Maybe it’s because I joined a club?” I think to myself. Either way I decide not to dwell on the matter too much.

“Morning.” I greet to her as I make my way towards the cabinet to grab a mug for some coffee.

“Morning Kris, did you sleep well?” she asks as she places some pancakes onto a plate.

“Yeah I slept fine.” I reply, pouring the fresh coffee into the mug.

As we begin eating breakfast we fall into an uncomfortable silence. She looks like she wants to talk more but after some false starts she lapses into silence. Part of me wants to break the tension but after wracking my brain for potential conversation starters, I eventually admit defeat. I reminisce of the mornings we used to have. This silent kitchen used to be filled with our laughter. The more I try to recall those days, the more I realize just how long ago that was. We were originally from the united states but after my father’s work relocated to Japan, we had to abandon the west for a foreign setting. I was too young to have many memories of the States, but our first couple of years here were exciting. Everything was so new and it was amusing to see mom try and adopt the Japanese culture in our home. Over time however the laughter stopped, the time spent at home became more and more dreadful as the years flew on by. It didn’t take me long to come to the realization that my father resented moving here. Though I don’t remember a time that he wasn’t a drunken asshole, it only got worse as the years went by. Yet my mother still tried her best to keep us together.

A heavy sense of guilt weighs on my shoulders as I leave my house for school. The least a son can do is try and make their mother happy. Yet I seem to fail in that regard more and more. I am snapped out of my self-loathing by the sight of Sayori waiting on the sidewalk. She immediately begins walking towards me wearing that goofy smile of hers.

“Gooood morning!” she exclaims in a song like way.

I proceed to walk towards her and start observing her face. Poking her forehead and wearing a confused expression on my face.

“what uhhh what are you doing?” she asks nervously.

“just trying to figure out if you’re an imposter or not, the Sayori I know would never wake up on time two mornings in a row.” I crack a smile as I gently flick her forehead.

“Hey!” she exclaims swatting my hand away furiously rubbing her forehead.

I laugh at her childlike behavior. “nope you are the one and only Sayori unfortunately.”

“what is that supposed to mean?” she asks as I simply laugh.

“oh nothing at all, now let’s go already.” I ruffle her hair as I walk past making sure to dodge her swipes at me.

We exchange in some small talk here and there as we make our daily commute. In no time we reach the main campus and wave our goodbyes as we walk to our respective classrooms. The day is once again uneventful as the final bell rings. As I walk down the hall the stairway, I begin to realize that I am expected to share the poem that I read. While I am not the most self-conscious person, Poetry is not exactly my forte. My anxiety is pushed aside rather quickly as I think about the club. As much as I may hate to admit, Sayori has a pretty decent club. The members seemed to be pretty nice and I find myself a bit excited to attend once again. I reach the clubroom’s door before long and proceed inside.

“welcome back Kris!” Monika is the first to greet me as I shut the door. “I’m glad we didn’t scare you off.” She says as I chuckle.

“I admit you almost did making me write poetry on the first day, you sure don’t throw your punches.” I reply as she giggles.

“well with all of the high praise Sayori gave you, I had to see for myself what you were made of.”

“Well Sayori says a lot of things but she isn’t wrong I am pretty amazing.” I reply as Monika laughs at my self-confidence.

“I’ll be the judge of that but until then, feel free to just relax. We aren’t sharing poems until the end of the meeting.” She than proceeds to sit at her desk in the front next to Sayori.

I scan the room to find the girls in the same positions as before. Monika and Sayori are in the front discussing what I can only assume to be club matters. I see Natsuki head into the closet. Part of me wants to see what she is doing but I get the feeling she goes in there to be alone so I decide against it. Yuri is sitting in a desk towards the back her face in a novel. Seeing as how everyone is busy I proceed to an empty desk in the back. Pulling out the novel Yuri gave me yesterday, I lean back in my chair and begin reading.

I finish the prologue and the first chapter in a relatively short amount of time. Yuri was right, the book is rather easy to read and understand. The vocabulary is a bit formal though judging by Yuri’s demeanor I am not too surprised. As I begin the second chapter the hairs on the back of my neck proceed to alert me that someone is staring. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Yuri glancing at my direction. Her gaze switches between her book and me, though it is pretty obvious that she is not invested in her novel. I begin to stretch and look around the room, sure enough when my gaze lands on Yuri her face is buried in her novel. However judging by the crimson shade her ears are taking, it’s obvious she is still distracted. I laugh to myself as I shut the book and move to the desk in front of Yuri. Sitting in my chair sideways I lean against the windowsill that is behind me and prop my feet up on the desk parallel to mine. She doesn’t take her book away from her face but her ears tell me everything I need to know. Smiling I gently push her book down, clearly startling her.

“o-oh hey Kris, i-is there something you need?” she asks timid as always.

“nothing in particular, I just thought the book was in the way is all” I reply smiling.

She begins to stammer on her words even more. “i-in the w-way of what?” she asks feigning ignorance.

I laugh at her antics. “I figured that if you were going to stare that I would at least let you see my good side.” I smile as she unsuccessfully denies my accusation. “now, now Yuri don’t lie to me, my sixth sense has never let me down.” I begin to laugh as her face takes on an even deeper shade of crimson. It’s a miracle she hasn’t been lit on fire yet.

“i-I wasn’t trying to…..i-I was j-just…y-you know….” Her voice trails off as she nervously strokes her hair. “t-to see i-if you were…e-enjoying the n-novel.” Her voice is barely above a whisper.

“well you know most people would simply ask.” I pause for effect as she becomes even more flustered. “though I do admit it was pretty adorable watching you.” I laugh even more as she groans into her hands. I decide to ease up on the teasing. “relax Yuri I am only teasing you, no need to be so nervous. Just next time if you want to know something just come up and ask. I promise I won’t bite.” As she removes her hands from her face I laugh again. “unless it’s Thursday, than I can’t guarantee your safety.” She begins to laugh along with me, her shyness slowly starting to melt away. I take a good look at the novel she is reading only to see that it is the same one she gave me just yesterday. “now doesn’t that look familiar.” I hold up my novel to emphasize my meaning.

Yuri’s face once again becomes bathed in crimson. “I know, i-I wanted to re-read the book a-again so that when w-we d-discussed it…. I-I would be refreshed on t-the details.” She looks away trying to hide her blush.

“So you went and bought another copy?” I ask.

“N-no i-I just happened to h-have two copies is all.” She stammers out an excuse thought it’s pretty obvious that she is lying. The most logical conclusion I can gather is that she bought the second copy on purpose. I decide to not call her on her bluff seeing as I have already tortured her enough, for now anyways.

“sounds reasonable. Well if that’s the case I will continue reading than.” I begin to open the novel and flip my way to where I left off. Yuri does the same and we begin reading in silence.

After a few minutes my hairs once again alert me, sure enough Yuri is staring towards me. This time however her gaze seems to be focused on my novel. Though at the angle we are sitting, it is clear she is unable to make out much. I laugh once again startling her.

“i-Im sorry i-I don’t know why I’m so distracted today.” She sighs to herself and tries desperately to read her novel. Emphasis on tries.

“Yuri it’s okay what you are feeling is a common side effect.” As I say this Yuri becomes puzzled.

“side effect?” she asks.

“Yep when in the presence of once such as myself side effects may include, lack of focus, prolonged staring, intense blushing, and in rare cases lack of sleep. If these side effects last for more than four hours you may want to consult your doctor.” Yuri and I begin to laugh. Her tension begins to melt away.

“I really should pay more attention to the warning label next time.” She giggles as she plays along.

“well I can’t fault you too much, I was only just approved for the public so it may take some getting used to.” We laugh some more before I ask. “but on a more serious note, why were you trying to read from my copy?”

“W-well I wanted to see what part you were on.” Yuri once again looks away bashfully. Her awkward nature is almost too much for me.

“well than here let’s try this.” I get up as I say this and take the desk next to hers. I proceed to slide it against her own before placing the novel in such a way that we can both read. Yuri noticeably fidgets unsure how to react. My previous assumption I made yesterday is spot on. When it comes to social situations Yuri is inexperienced to say the least. “Here we are, now we can both read at the same pace.” I flash her a smile as she timidly begins to close her own copy.

“i-I’m sorry i’m not used to reading with others before.” Her blush deepens as I give her a reassuring smile.

“well there’s no time like the present to fix that.” As I say this Yuri takes a calming breath as we try and find the most comfortable way to read the novel together. After some adjustments I take the novel in my right hand and she takes it in her left. We begin reading in silence for a while and it doesn’t take long for Yuri to noticeably calm down. we finish chapter two in no time. As we begin chapter three I start to realize something. “you know Yuri I just realized something.”

She looks at me with a puzzled expression. “what’s that?”

“well the protagonist reminds me a lot about you.” As I say this Yuri becomes increasingly nervous.

“i-in what way?”

“well while she is more bold and assertive, she also second guesses a lot of her actions. Just from the first couple of chapters I can already tell that she is pretty self-conscious about what she says and does, especially when it comes to other people. I guess in a way it reminds me of your mannerisms.” I glance at Yuri as she becomes even more flustered and in a way she almost seems offended?

“Kris… that’s a terrible thing to have in common with her.” Her blush is as deep as ever and it becomes clear that I may have overstepped my boundaries. I quickly try to relieve the tension.

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I’m sorry if that’s the way I made it sound like.” I pause for a moment before smiling. “What I meant was that in a way it’s pretty cute.” I laugh even more as she stammers, clearly taken aback by my compliment.

“w-what are you e-even saying.” She looks away but from this angle I can see the smallest of smiles forming. She goes to say something else but is interrupted by Monika.

“Okay everyone, we only have a little bit of time left so let’s get ready for the poem sharing.” Monika proceeds to dig into her bag for what I can only assume is her poem.

Yuri sighs in relief, spared from my relentless teasing. Though her smile is still present so in a way I guess I didn’t bug her too much. “Yuri if you want we can read at the same pace from now on.” She ponders the idea for a moment.

“i-if it’s alright with you of course, though I would recommend reading to chapter five first since that’s when the novel really takes off.” Her blush returns and she turns her face away yet again. “i-if you want t-to that is.”

I give her a reassuring smile. “I would love too, chapter five it is.” As I say this her timid nature seems to dissipate a bit. She than proceeds to dig in her bag for her poem. I make my way to my original desk to dig for mine as well.

Poem in hand I began to scan the room once again. I have no idea who to share with first but this problem is quickly resolved as Sayori practically materializes in front of me.

“you ready to share poems Kris?” she asks clearly more excited than I.

“about as ready as I’ll ever be, you want to go first?”

“Sure I worked really hard on it, I hope you like it.” Sayori hands me the poem though oddly enough she appears to be nervous. She has a look of uncertainty and there is just a hint of crimson in her cheeks. This throws me off a bit, I never took someone like Sayori to be self-conscious about anything. I shrug it off however and begin reading her poem.

**Dear Sunshine**

  
  
The way you glow through my blinds in the morning

  
It makes me feel like you missed me.

  
Kissing my forehead to help me out of bed.

  
Making me rub the sleepy from my eyes.  
  


  
Are you asking me to come out and play?

  
Are you trusting me to wish away a rainy day?

  
I look above. The sky is blue.

  
It's a secret, but I trust you too.

  
  
If it wasn't for you, I could sleep forever.

  
But I'm not mad.  
  


  
I want breakfast.

I mentally laugh to myself at the last line. “classic Sayori.” I mumble to myself. Reading through a second time shows a surprisingly dark tone especially near the end. “ _if it wasn’t for you, I could sleep forever.”_ I shrug off this thought however, Sayori is a bundle of joy twenty four seven and the line most likely represents her love of sleeping in. I hand her back the poem.

“Sayori, by any chance did you wait until this morning to write this?” as I ask this Sayori stares at me with a blank expression. For a moment she just stares and maybe it’s just me but she seems a bit disappointed? Before I can think any further her smile returns.

“Maybe, I got a bit hungry towards the end.” Sayori admits this bashfully before exclaiming. “I made eggs and toast!”

I laugh at her behavior. “your something else Sayori you know that.” She replies to my remark with a big smile.

“well let me see yours now!” she practically rips the poem from my hands and begins reading.

After a few minutes I begin to get nervous. She should be done reading by now? I think to myself. Her smile from before is replaced with an intense expression. I track her eyes as they scan over my poem over and over. “Sayori?” I call out to her which results in her jumping. Clearly she was somewhere else for a minute there. “I know it’s probably pretty bad, it’s my first time so go easy on me will ya?” I smile at her as I say this. Sayori’s facial expression remains the same before she finally smiles. Yet it never quite reaches her eyes.

“Kris….this is really good……” Sayori trails off again. I start to feel uncertain, I have never seen her act this way before.

“you don’t have to lie Sayori, I can tell that you don’t actually like it.” I smile at her. “just be honest with me, I’m not fragile you know.” As I say this Sayori looks at me before giving me a more genuine smile.

“Sorry Kris, I do mean it though it’s actually really good. A bit dark but I expect nothing less from a weeb like you.” I make a face at her as she laughs at my nerdy habits.

“Ha, Ha, very funny.” I reply dryly as I take the poem from her. She begins to move towards Monika with her poem in hand to share. My mind flickers back to her reaction. I scan over my own poem. Honestly I didn’t put much thought into it while writing. I just wrote whatever came to mind. is it that bad? So bad that Sayori of all people can’t even pretend it is good? I sigh to myself. I was hoping that out of all the members Sayori would at the very least appreciate my effort. Oh well, now I have to show someone else I guess.

I hear someone clear their throat behind me. I turn and find Yuri standing there. She is bashfully handing her poem without uttering a word. Once I take it though she quickly speaks up. “I hope you don’t think my handwriting is too bad.” She turns away as she says this, nervously stroking her hair. I laugh internally as her handwriting is pristine. I begin to read her poem.

**Ghost under the light**

  
  
The tendrils of my hair illuminate beneath the amber glow.

  
Bathing.

  
It must be this one.

  
The last remaining streetlight to have withstood the test of time.

  
the last yet to be replaced by the sickening blue-green of the future.

  
I bathe. Calm; breathing air of the present but living in the past.

  
The light flickers.

  
I flicker back.

Wow. I read over her poem several times. As expected her way of writing is even more elegant than her speaking. Though her vocabulary is exquisite it is written in a way that is pretty easy to understand. Though judging at how talented Yuri is at writing, that can only mean she is going to hate my mediocre poem. I hand her poem back with a smile. “Yuri that was amazing.”

“are you sure? It took you a while to finish, i-I’m sorry my handwriting was bad.” Yuri keeps trying to apologize for her “bad” handwriting. I laugh at her trademark nervousness.

“No Yuri your handwriting is beautiful. I just wanted to make sure I understood this poem fully is all. I am not the best when it comes to literary analysis.” I give her a reassuring smile. “however your poem was written in a way that even someone like me could grasp it’s concept. You even managed to convey such a deep message in such few words, it’s truly impressive.” As I compliment her Yuri’s face slowly starts to relax. She stops stroking her hair but naturally the crimson shade in her cheeks remains. Still though it’s refreshing to see her not be so bashful. Even if it’s pretty damn cute.

“I’m glad you liked it…..” Yuri trails off and we are left standing there for a few moments in complete silence.

“so, you ready to read mine?” I ask as I hand her the poem.

“oh sorry i-I kind of forgot…n-not that I’m not looking forward t-to what y-you wrote or anything i-it’s….” Yuri trails off taking a calming breath. “i-I’m just going to read it now.” I laugh at her antics while she starts reading the poem. My anxiety sets back in and now I can feel the heat growing in my cheeks. If Sayori wasn’t too fond of it, God knows how Yuri will react.

After what felt like an eternity, Yuri looks up at me over the poem with a surprised expression. “T-this is actually really good.” I stare at her with a shocked expression. Surely she doesn’t mean that?

“it’s okay Yuri, just be honest with me. I’m not made of glass I can take some criticism.” Yuri smiles at me as I try to make up excuses for my poem.

“no I’m serious, this is really good you should be proud.” Yuri for once gives me the reassuring smile. Her expression then shifts to one of curiosity. “May I ask what was the inspiration behind this?” her blush returns after saying this. “i-if it that’s not too personal.”

I try and think about what inspired me too write the poem. Truth be told I didn’t think too hard about it. I just sort of…..wrote it. I shrug my shoulders. “if I am being totally honest Yuri, I have no clue. I just sort of wrote down some ideas and this is the end product.” After a moment I ask Yuri. “well what do you think it’s about?”

Yuri looks away shyly. “it’s not my place to assume w-what the message of your poem is.”

“I’m asking you to Yuri, plus isn’t that the whole point of poetry? To analyze what the writer was trying to convey? I promise won’t get offended Yuri.” She considers it for a moment before scanning over my poem once again.

“Well if you insist.” Yuri takes a deep breath and almost immediately the intense expression she wears when discussing literature takes hold. “the message I take from this poem is one of loneliness. The subject of this poem resents it’s pitiful existence. However it finds solace in it’s neighbor. Perhaps the neighbor represents a friend, sibling, or maybe it’s the physical manifestation of the subject’s own desires and wishes. Either way behind it’s solace their exists envy. It both adores and resents the other bird because it possess the very thing it can never obtain.” Yuri finishes her analysis without skipping a beat. Like yesterday when it comes to discussing literature, Yuri can speak with total confidence in her words. It is a direct contrast to her otherwise timid nature.

I think over what Yuri says and feel a sense of guilt. Does the bird in the gilded cage represent Sayori? I convinced myself long ago that harboring resentment towards Sayori’s living conditions at home was selfish. Maybe I never got over it? I shake these thoughts from my mind. No I have no resentment towards her, besides I put little thought into what I was writing. My sleep deprived brain probably decided to write something dark and edgy. This relieves some of the guilt but it is still present in the back of my mind. Either way I thank Yuri for her analysis and commend her poem once again. After she bids me a sheepish farewell I look for the next person to share with.

I see Natsuki standing towards the back of the class. She has a slightly irritated look on her face which almost deters me from heading over there. I scan the room again to find that Monika and Yuri are already exchanging poems. guess I don’t have a choice. I head over to Natsuki who unsurprisingly looks unhappy to see me.

“oh great I get to read your poem, I can barely contain my excitement.” Natsuki sighs before holding out her hand expectantly for the poem.

I laugh at her abrasive nature. “well don’t get too excited, it probably pales in comparison to your poem.” I smile at her which earns me a smile back.

“your not as dumb as you look.” Natsuki replies as she takes my poem and begins reading.

After a few minutes her reaction is surprisingly tame compared to what I had pictured in my mind. “Well it’s not as terrible as I thought it would be so call me impressed.” Natsuki scoffs after saying this. “does it have to be so depressing though. You know not all poems need to be dark and moody. You can always try and use some more cheerful words to convey meaning.” Natsuki sighs before handing me back my poem along with hers.

“I assume that is what you did with yours than?” I ask as I begin to read her poem.

“you bet! Now feast your eyes on a true masterpiece.” Natsuki wears a triumphant smile and crosses her arms as I read her poem.

**Eagles can fly**

Monkeys can climb

Crickets can leap

Horses can race

Owls can seek

Cheetahs can run

Eagles can fly

People can try

But that’s about it

I read through Natsuki’s rather quickly and unlike Yuri’s poem it takes me no time at all to get the message. While not the most exquisite vocabulary, Natsuki made it very clear that she preferers less over more. I smile as I hand her back the poem.

“I got to say Natsuki I’m impressed. I get why you were dogging on my poem after reading something like this.” Natsuki grins at my compliment.

“Finally came to your senses I see. Well your poem isn’t a total loss you can always improve.”

I laugh. “oh don’t get me wrong yours is good, but I plan on surpassing you in no time.” I laugh at her irritated expression. “though Sayori was write your poems are pretty cute.” I laugh some more and make my escape as Natsuki shakes her fist at me. If she was a cartoon steam would be spewing out of her nostrils.

“I am not cute!” she exclaims as I laugh at her antics.

Last but not least is Monika who is patiently waiting for me at the front of the class.

“How has poem sharing been so far Kris?” she asks polite as ever.

“Not as bad as I thought, though I am curious on how you will interpret my poem. The others have had……mixed opinions on it so far.” I scratch the back of my head as Monika laughs at my expense.

“Well the others have varying writing styles but if it makes you feel any better I am pretty free form when it comes to writing. So I’ll try to go easy on you….this time that is.” She winks as she takes my poem and begins reading.

After about a minute or two she returns my poem with a smile on her face. “Not bad at all Kris, I was under the impression you didn’t write poetry.”

I once again pull a Yuri as heat invades my cheeks. “Beginners luck I suppose.”

“No I can safely say with more practice you will make a fine writer.” Monika looks around before continuing albeit in a softer tone. “you know the writing style and vibe I got reminds me of Yuri a bit.” She gives me a knowing glance as I laugh at her accusation.

“if that’s what you want to believe but I read Yuri’s poem already. It was night and day.”

“Maybe but the structure is similar and like I said given enough practice you are bound to improve. I am just pointing out that you two may share the same sort of writing style. The only difference being experience.”

“I guess so in a way. I assume that is a good thing?” as I ask her this she raises her eyebrows at me.

“well I know that I would like to have the same writing style as my reading buddy.” She winks at me as I look the other way bashfully. If my hair was long enough I can almost guarantee I would be stroking it right now. Maybe I should not hang around Yuri so much she is starting to rub off on me.

Monika laughs at my embarrassment. “Relax Kris I was only teasing. Truth be told I am very glad that you are making friends with the other members. Not only that but you wrote a good poem and should be proud of it. Just because it didn’t meet everyone’s expectations.” Monika shoots a glance in Natsuki’s direction getting a chuckle out of me. “you should still be proud.”

“thanks Monika I appreciate it. So you ready to share as well.”

“Of course.” Monika proceeds to hand me her poem.

Hole in Wall

It couldn't have been me.

See, the direction the spackle protrudes.

A noisy neighbor? An angry boyfriend? I'll never know. I wasn't home.

I peer inside for a clue.

No! I can't see. I reel, blind, like a film left out in the sun.

But it's too late. My retinas.

Already scorched with a permanent copy of the meaningless image.

It's just a little hole. It wasn't too bright.

It was too deep.

Stretching forever into everything.

A hole of infinite choices.

I realize now, that I wasn't looking in.

I was looking out.

And he, on the other side, was looking in.

I finish Monika’s poem and try to analyze it. After a few tries I honestly can’t determine what the poem is talking about. She did say she had a more freeform style. Perhaps it is conveying a sense of exclusion? I give up on analyzing after a moment and hand Monika her poem back. “its pretty good though I can’t exactly say I get what the poem is about.”

Monika laughs at my confusion. “Not every poem needs a meaning behind it. Like I said I have a freeform writing style. We can stand here and speculate all day and I still wouldn’t have a definitive answer to give you. Just remember this, try and find your own meaning in poetry. Sometimes the author doesn’t have an explicit message they are sending. Some prefer to leave their work open ended so that others can speculate on what they think it means. At the end of the day how the poem makes you feel is yours and yours alone. You can call that Monika’s writing tip of the day.” She gives me a polite smile before moving towards the front of the room to address the club. I go over what she said in my head. Maybe that’s what I was trying to achieve with my poem? While Yuri’s analysis still makes me feel a slight sense of guilt, I quickly dismiss it to anxiety. Yuri is the most critical when it comes to literature so maybe I was just over thinking her analysis. My train of thought is interrupted by Monika.

“Okay everyone, that about does it for today. I want to go ahead and do the same thing tomorrow. The poetry exchange went really well and I want to continue it. Remember the festival is in six weeks so pretty soon we are going to be discussing our plans. Until than have a great evening, I will see all of you tomorrow.

After Monika’s address Sayori approaches me full of energy. “Ready to walk home Kris?”

“Yeah I’m ready lets go.” Sayori beams as she skips out of the room. I wave my goodbyes to the others as Sayori and I make our way home.

The walk home is oddly quiet. While Sayori has a happy expression as always she usually tries to make small talk. Her reaction to my poem earlier still has me uneasy but I decide not to dwell on it. She seems happy, maybe since we are spending more time together she doesn’t have much else to talk about? School can be pretty dull even if you’re a constant ball of positivity. Yeah I’m sure that’s what it is. As our houses draw near Sayori finally breaks the silence.

“Sorry I acted so weird today, your poem was really good I just didn’t want to say something dumb about it.” Sayori giggles nervously.

“Its fine I am fully aware that it wasn’t going to impress everyone. Besides a dark poem like that doesn’t suit a ball of positivity like you.” I flick her on the forehead as I say this earning a giggle from her.

“Yeah maybe but trust me I liked it.” Sayori trails off and for a second it appears like she is upset. Before I can ask however her bright smile returns. “Well I’ll see you in the morning Kris.” She proceeds to her house humming to herself. I stand there for a moment confused by her actions. Was that just my imagination? I shrug my shoulders and make my way home.

Dinner tonight was thankfully uneventful. Mom tried to spark innocent enough conversation though most of them got a dissatisfied grunt from dad. Other than that it was okay. I say goodnight to mom before ascending the stairs to my room. After much debate I decide to work on my next poem right away. I plop into my desk chair and flick on the lamp. After pulling out several pieces of paper and a pen, I begin to brainstorm over potential subjects. After a while I settle on one but this time I go for a more exquisite vocabulary. Definitely out of my own volition and not to impress anybody of course.

**Night and Day**

_The dying glow of the setting sun signals days end._

_Children are reluctant to enter their homes_

_Businesses shut their doors and flip their signs_

_As the dark tendrils of night ebb and flow in their dreamlike way around the landscape, I smile_

_For many the night marks the end, the day is over no more needs to be said and done_

_I welcome the tendrils though, the blinding rays of the sun repulse me_

_For me the horrors appear not at night, but during the day_

_But as the tendrils of darkness ebb and flow in their dream like way, and the horrors retreat_

_I smile_

_When I compare myself to others, its like night and day._

I sigh as I stow my poem into my bag. As I put my poem away I pull out the novel Yuri gave me and begin reading. I eventually finish chapter five and with a sigh I close the novel. After placing it in my bag I stretch and roll my neck, the resounding pops being drowned about by my yawn. In no time flat I find myself crawling into bed. With my alarm set for 6:30AM I begin to lose consciousness. I reminisce over the days events. For the first time in a while I had a pretty good day. This thought gives me comfort and as the tendrils of night ebb and flow in their dream like way around me, I smile.


	3. Chapter 3

_Sunday, February 6, 2013_

The walls shook with rage, the quiet noises of the night were drowned out by the drunken rage festering downstairs. What even started this? Why won’t she yell back? Was it something I did? These thoughts swarm my mind as I grip the railings of the stairs. My knuckles are white and I can hear my heartbeat through my ears. I am sitting halfway up the steps, just out of sight of my parents. I try and discern what they are yelling about but my father’s words are slurred, on top of the fact he is practically screaming. The yelling has been going on for hours at this point. It was minor at first but loud enough to rouse me out of bed. I have been sitting here for hours now and it only gets worse and worse. To call this an argument would be inaccurate however, for Mom refuses to yell back. She tries to speak calmly at times but He won’t let her. I should do something. I should do something. I should do something! I practically scream at myself mentally, but it is no use. I am practically glued to this spot and refuse to move. Then my train of thought is interrupted by my mother’s yelling. What she says is indiscernible but the silence that follows is deafening. I hold my breath and refuse to let it go. She has never, ever, ever raised her voice like that. From my angle I can barely see mom’s face. Her eyes are red and puffy, she has clearly been crying. I can only see my Father’s back however, his face is hidden from view. The deafening silence disappears as quickly as it came as Mom hits the ground. The yelling turns into screaming and he raises his fist again. His words are being drowned out by her sobbing, yet I can hear the fury in his voice. I need to help her! He is hurting her!! Why can’t I move? I finally take the breath I had been holding as tears fall down my burning face. I can feel an indescribable anger in my chest. Help her!! Yet no matter how much I want to, no matter how much my consciousness begs me to do something, my body refuses to move. I can only sit and watch.

_Sunday, November 18, 2018_

This memory is a cruel reminder, a reminder of how worthless I was that night. How I watched it happen and did nothing to stop it. There is a point in every child’s life, a point where they lose their innocent view of the world. Where they learn that things are never as simple, that life is unfair at times, and that their actions, or lack thereof can change everything. For many this event is a good thing, with this mindset they are now better equipped for adulthood. For me however, it is a burden, one that I still carry. Things were never the same after that night. The next morning my Mother wore her smile like she always did. Even with the makeup the bruises and swelling showed. Without me asking she explained that she had a nasty fall down the stairs. She gave me a reassuring smile to tell me that she was fine. I knew the truth, I saw the truth. I should have comforted her, he was gone for work, we were alone and I could have been there for her. I didn’t call her out on her bluff that day, or any day after that. She still doesn’t know what I saw that night, to bring it up now would do no good anyway. I had my chance to be there for her like a son should and I blew it. From that day on our home was broken. The morning was full of fake reassuring smiles and awkward conversations. What should be a child’s sanctuary from reality, became a cruel reminder of how worthless he truly was.

The first week of the club is over and with it the weekend begins. After that night I swore that I would protect her if things were to escalate to that point again. This was almost six years ago and while it hasn’t happened again, you can never be too careful. Before joining the club I would head to the gym after school every other day. I would relive that moment in my mind as I taught myself how to fight. Taking out the anger I felt that night on the punching bag, my punches were sloppy and slow. I hurt my hands countless times due to my inexperience. Over time however and with some pointers from friendly people at the gym, I learned how to fight properly. I made it a habit, an obsession even. Now every time there is an argument I wait with baited breath, doorknob in hand I wait for the yelling to turn into something worse. No matter how long it goes on I wait and wait. With my joining of the literature club however, I had little to no time to come to the gym. I decide to make it a weekend habit.

The cold November air is soon replaced with the comfortable setting of the gym. I greet some familiar faces as I set up for the day. Headphones on to drown out the outside world, I begin wrapping my hands, soon I am reliving that day. I let myself feel the same anger, the same helplessness that night and take it out on the punching bag. I envision the scenario if it were to happen again. He would be drunk of course and while he may be impaired, he will also have the upper hand in size and strength. While I stand at almost six feet tall, he stands taller at six feet four inches. He doesn’t work out and the rapid consumption of alcohol over the years has given him a belly, however he is a naturally large man with broad shoulders and massive hands. His reach is long and if he were to grab me it would be over. I go over all of this in my head as I simulate the scenario and react accordingly. I can feel my anger bubbling to the surface and while it can be a great motivator, it begins to makes my punches sloppy. The precise jabs I try and make soon turn into vicious right hooks and I refuse to let up. My face feels hot as the sweat pours down and I can feel that same anger festering. I let out one more right hook as hard as I can. As I stand there trying to catch my breath, I reminisce of the simpler times, when everything was okay. My train of thought is interrupted by a hand gently grabbing my shoulder. Startled I turn to see Monika behind me. She is drenched in sweat as well and is wearing typical female workout clothes. A sports bra and form fitting pants, leaving nothing to the imagination. She wears her signature polite smile as I turn to her. I push down the anger and seamlessly put on my mask. Wearing a steady gaze and charming smile as if nothing was wrong, after all I learned from the best.

Taking off my headphones I greet her. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“I come here every now and then” she replies as she motions towards some benches nearby to sit on. We make our way over there and both begin toweling off the sweat on our faces. After a moment of silence I laugh.

“Honor roll student, Former president of the school’s largest club, now currently running her own club she built from the ground up, and yet you still find the time to work out. At this point I think you are just showing off.” I say this with a smile as she laughs.

“I would like to think I am more humble then that.” She takes a swig of water before continuing. “But in all honesty I can’t just sit around, I need to be doing something otherwise I feel like I’m going crazy. If that something just happens to help me physically or mentally then hey why not kill two birds with one stone.” She offers me the water but I politely refuse.

“I guess that makes sense, still makes me feel lazy though.”

“You say that yet I have seen you in here before, always just going at it on that punching bag.” As she says this my facial expression turns to one of surprise. Seeing my confusion she elaborates. “I come here a lot actually, so I have seen you lots of times before. The day you joined the club I knew I had seen you somewhere before, I just couldn’t quite put my finger on it.”

“I had no idea I caught your eye like that Monika, not that I can blame you who wouldn’t be infatuated by me.” She rolls her eyes at my over the top self-confidence.

“If that will help you sleep at night.”

“More than you know” I wink as I say this and she playfully shoves me.

“On a more serious and less creepy note, I never took you as a fighter.” She gives me a thoughtful stare clearly indicating that I should elaborate on my workout habits.

Obviously I am not going to tell her the truth. “I think self-defense is a valuable skill for anyone to learn. You never know when you may need it and hey if it helps me physically and mentally then why not kill two birds with one stone.” I reply using her own reasoning back at her. She seems satisfied with my answer.

“Fair enough, sorry if I sounded nosey or anything it’s just most guys our age at the gym try and impress women with how many pushups they can do….mainly me.” She sighs dramatically as I laugh at her expense.

“Well if it makes you feel better, I didn’t even notice you went to this gym.”

“I don’t know if I should be flattered or insulted.”

“A little bit of both, but no I just do my thing and leave on most days.”

“Maybe chivalry isn’t dead after all.” We both laugh as she changes the subject. “By the way I also wanted to apologize.”

“For what?” I ask.

“Well Sayori brought it to my attention yesterday that she may have exaggerated about you joining the club, when she told me about you last Sunday she said that you were for sure joining the club.” I smile to myself as she explains. Sayori can be deceptively manipulative at times. “Which is why I made it seem like you were a new member right off the bat.” She gives me an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry if you felt pressured to join, if I had known the truth I wouldn’t have put you on the spot like that.”

I give her a reassuring smile. “Nothing to apologize for, while yes Sayori did use a surprisingly underhanded tactic to make me join the club, I joined of my own volition.”

“Even so I don’t want you thinking that you had to join the club to not hurt our feelings.”

“There is nothing to worry about Monika, I really enjoy my time at the club so like I said, there is no need to apologize.” She sighs to herself in relief. Clearly this had been bugging her.

“I’m glad to hear it, I just never expected someone like Sayori to be capable of something like that. She is always a ball of positivity and wears her heart on her sleeve, guess I shouldn’t underestimate her huh?” Monika says laughing.

“She hasn’t changed a bit and yet I still find myself underestimating her after all of these years, she can be crafty when she wants to be.” As I say this Monika gives me a curious look.

“How long have you known Sayori?” she asks.

“Geez since we were about six years old so almost twelve years now.” Monika’s confused expression turns to one of shock.

“That long? Really?”

“Yeah just about, is it that shocking?” I reply laughing at her confusion.

“No it’s just odd is all.” Monika lapses into silence.

“Why is it odd?”

Monika glances at me, clearly thinking over what to say. This starts to make me a bit anxious. Eventually she speaks up. “I just found it odd that you two have been good friends for so long, she never mentioned you until that Sunday before the club. Which is even more odd since Sayori is always talking about people she meets and her friends in class.” Monika gives me another curious expression as I digest what she said. She really has never mentioned me to her friends? Not even once? Well I don’t blame her, I stopped interacting with her almost six years ago. Still the thought that she never even mentioned me gives me an uneasy feeling. We were almost inseparable as kids. She was pretty upset when we stopped hanging out and this all but confirms that it still affected her years later. These thoughts give me a heavy sense of guilt. Monika snaps her fingers, I hadn’t even realized that I was spacing out. “I’m sorry if my questions bring up potentially painful memories.” She says giving me a concerned look.

“No not really just reminiscing is all.” I laugh as I say this. “if I’m being totally honest we kind of drifted apart over time, not that anything happened just you know people change as they get older.” After I say this Monika studies my face wearing a serious expression.

“Maybe it isn’t my place to ask….. but you already said that Sayori hasn’t changed one bit. Is there something that happened between you two that I should know about?” Monika falls silent after this studying my reaction. She is awfully observant, she latched onto that fact without skipping a beat. One thing I learned from Monika over the past week is that she likes to know what is going on. Whether she does it because she cares that much about her members and she just wants to be sure nothing happens or she is just nosey is up for debate. She seems like the type of girl that would do the former but I have only known her for a week so there is a possibility that it is the latter. Either way I do not know her well enough to be questioned about this. If I am being perfectly honest it is slightly agitating.

“Maybe I should elaborate, I changed over time. Now you have nothing to worry about, me and Sayori have no bad blood between us. That being said I do not think you are in any position to ask such a personal question.” Monika tries to interrupt probably to explain her actions but I continue anyway. “So while me and Sayori have a complicated friendship it is none of your concern. I’m sure if you were to question Sayori about it she would probably react the same way. I’m sure you are only doing it for the sake of the club and its members, definitely not because you are being nosey.” I give her a stern look and her face conveys a sense of guilt. “Right, either way I hope you would refrain from asking something like this again. If Sayori hasn’t bothered to bring it up with you then I sure as hell won’t.” I stand up after saying this and make my way to the door. Monika stands as well and tries to stop me but I simply turn and smile. “I’ll see you on Monday.” And with that I put my headphones back on and begin the jog back home.

The cold winter air burns my lungs as I run home. Normally I pace myself and control my breathing but the agitation from earlier makes it hard to focus. I was probably too harsh on Monika. While it wasn’t her business my reaction probably made it seem like something bad happened between Sayori and I. Nothing of the sort happened of course. Sayori did nothing wrong, it was of my own volition that we stopped hanging out. Every now and then the guilt gets to me. Knowing someone for so long only to one day cut ties, I am sure it hurt her. No I’m not sure, it did hurt her, I still remember how she came to my house almost daily. Her hopeful expression turning to one of sadness when I rejected her offer to hang out again, again, and again. Normally I just ignore this feeling but today it won’t let go. I stop to catch my breath, the air leaves my mouth in rapid puffs and my sense of guilt weighs me down even further. “Damnit” I curse to myself. As my breathing falls back into rhythm the sense of guilt remains. I start walking back home. When I reach my neighborhood I can’t stop looking at Sayori’s house. She really enjoyed the time we spent together….. I enjoyed the time we spent together. I let out a long sigh before doing something I haven’t done in almost six years. I walk to Sayori’s house and knock on the front door. After a few seconds the latch on the other side clicks and Sayori’s mom opens the door. Immediately a look of both shock and joy spreads across her face. “Hey Mrs. Aimoto” I smile at her as I say this.

“it’s been so long since I have seen you Kris!” she immediately pulls me into a hug. I am taken off guard momentarily but return the favor. Sayori’s cheerful demeanor definitely came from her mother’s side.

“Yeah it has been a while, is Sayori home?”

Mrs. Aimoto beams “Of course she is dear, she is in her room. You know where it is, please make yourself at home.”

I thank her as she lets me inside. I slip off my shoes at the entrance and make my way upstairs. Sayori’s house is as pristine as ever. It is always clean and all of the furnishings and appliances are top notch. Both of Sayori’s parents are lawyers so saying they live comfortably is an understatement. Often times I would be allowed to stay the night since they frequently travel or work late nights. Judging by the absence of Mr. Aimoto it’s clear they are still leaving frequently. I stop just shy of Sayori’s door and hesitate to knock. The familiarity of her house fills me with a sense of nostalgia. I proceed to knock and after a second Sayori’s voice invites me in. I gently open the door.

Immediately I hear a gasp as I walk in. Closing the door behind me, the room becomes awfully quiet. Sayori is clearly taken aback by my sudden appearance. I look around the room to find it is mostly the same. All of her old stuffed animals are still here and one in particular almost makes me laugh. The giant stuffed cow at the foot of her bed. We were about nine years old and went to a fair together. Booths littered the fairgrounds and one in particular had Sayori’s eye for the entire day. She would constantly return with money to win the cow. The game was simple, knock over the bottles with a baseball. Sayori was terrible however and at one point she almost hit the person running the booth. Even though he was standing well out of the way. After countless tries her father warned her that this was to be her last attempt. Before she had a chance to throw I took the ball from her and motioned for her to stand back. Throwing the ball as hard as I could I knocked the bottles down and she was rewarded with that dumb cow. It was almost as big as she was and she looked ridiculous when she tried to walk with it in her arms. I can still remember that day as clear as ever. The smell of the food, the high pitch scream she let out when I won the cow, the way she began crying tears of joy. The sense of nostalgia makes me want to just collapse, but I hold it together and push the sensation aside. That was a long time ago, things are too different now.

Sayori is the first to break the silence. “It’s been a while since you came over hasn’t it?” she fiddles with her hands as she says taking a seat on the side of her bed. I take another look around the room before sitting in her desk chair.

“Yeah it really has.” I reply. We fall into another uncomfortable silence. The tension is so thick you could probably cut it with a knife.

“So what brings you here?” Sayori asks.

I don’t answer immediately. I try and search for an answer better then “I felt guilty” but nothing comes up. “I guess I felt like I owed you a visit. We haven’t had much of a chance to catch up, even during the club so I felt pretty guilty.” I think back to the club as I say this. Its true, even during the club I barely gave Sayori the time of day. I spent time with Natsuki, learning about her love of Manga and the way she has to keep it in the clubroom, since her dad thinks the stuff is for kids and she shouldn’t be wasting her time with it. Though Monika is almost always busy I still had some interaction with her, though after today’s events things are probably going to be a bit awkward between us. And there is Yuri of course, who I spent more time then I am comfortable admitting with. The only time Sayori and I interact is our walks to and from school. “You were so excited to have me in your club, it’s obvious you wanted to catch up and I haven’t been giving you the time you deserve. I mainly wanted to say that I’m sorry.” The weight of guilt that had been pressing on my chest lessens significantly. Though it is quickly replaced with concern at Sayori’s reaction.

“Stop!” Sayori exclaims this in a commanding tone. She looks distressed and almost pained by my apology.

“W-what?” I stutter taken aback by her reaction. What did I do wrong?

“I said stop! You have nothing to apologize for!” She almost looks like she is on the verge of tears. She takes a breath and her pained expression disappears just as quickly as it came. “I should apologize for tricking you, I practically forced you to join the club. I should have not told the others you were already joining.” She puts her head down in shame.

“It’s okay, if anything I am grateful for you doing it.”

Sayori looks up at me confused. “Your grateful?” She asks.

“Yeah, before I went to the club the very notion of joining a club, a literature club at that, was unappealing to say the least. If you hadn’t begged me to go and guilted me into joining, I probably wouldn’t have given the club the time of day.” I smile at her as I continue. “It was a pretty dirty trick but I really enjoy the club and its members. So no Sayori, I don’t accept your apology because there is nothing to be sorry about.”

After saying this I expected Sayori to practically jump for joy or at the very least feel relieved. Yet she doesn’t seem comforted by my forgiveness. If anything it made her more tense. “I’m relieved to hear that.” Sayori replies, though her body language conveys the opposite. She has a tight grip on her sheets and her smile isn’t reaching her eyes. What has her so upset?

“Well Sayori starting tomorrow we can start hanging out more at the club.” She looks up at me as I say this. “I’m glad I got to meet your friends, they are all pretty great but I have been neglecting my childhood friend for too long. I plan to fix tha….” Before I get to finish Sayori shakes her head at me.

“You don’t need to, the others love having you around. They enjoy your company especially Yuri.” I can feel a small amount of heat invade my cheeks at that. “Seriously Kris, I’m fine if I seemed down just now I’m sorry.” Sayori laughs. “I still feel pretty guilty for tricking everyone like that, even if you forgive me. So please don’t worry about me.” Sayori gives me a big smile as she says this. Her demeanor is once again the happy ball of sunshine she is known for. The sudden transition takes me by surprise but admittedly puts me at ease. So it wasn’t bothering her after all? I feel a sense of relief spread through my body and laugh to myself internally. And to think I was worried about her. Still though I feel it is appropriate to spend some time with her. Then again I should probably focus on making amends with Monika. Our interaction today ended on a pretty sour note. I smile at Sayori.

“Your still the same ball of sunshine as always Bun.” Her face lights up as I call her by the nickname I gave her as kids. How long has it been since she was last called that. She gives me an even bigger smile.

“You haven’t called me that in a while.” She laughs genuinely.

“Yeah, the fact that it still fits you perfectly years later shows how you haven’t changed one bit.”

“Yeah…” we fall into silence again albeit the tension is gone from before. Her smile disappears though and she gives me a look of sadness. “I know you wanted to hang out but I do have to get some homework done, plus Monika and I are supposed to Skype about the club’s plans for the festival. Still I am very glad you came by, sorry I have to cut it short.”

I give her a smile. “It’s no problem at all, I won’t keep you occupied any longer.” I stand up and start making my way towards the door. I look back before smiling again. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Yeah see you tomorrow.” She gives me another smile as I wave goodbye.

I make my way downstairs putting my shoes back on and saying my goodbyes to Mrs. Aimoto. My walk home is short but I can’t help but smile all the way. The heavy sense of guilt from before is all but gone, I feel relieved to find out that Sayori and I are still on good terms. Unbeknownst to be however, as I left Sayori’s house tears invaded her face. Burying her head into her pillow she lets out a long muffled scream. Hours later as I drifted into sleep that night, comforted by the absence of guilt that had been eating away at me, Sayori sits in a ball by her bed. For her sleep would grant her peace from her suffering. “I deserve this, I was selfish and put him through so much pain.” Sayori takes a shuddering breath and gently hugs the stuffed cow at the foot of her bed. “Your wrong, I have changed Kris. The universe is punishing me and I deserve every bit of it.” Sayori remains huddled on the floor, hours go by and just as the faint light of a new day starts to spread across the horizon her body finally gives in to exhaustion. Closing her red puffy eyes, Sayori falls into a restless sleep. Still tightly clutching the stuffed cow at the foot of her bed.


	4. Chapter 4

_“ For I am lost right now as the ocean deep_

_I am low my friend and how my heart does sink_

_Yeah I am lost right now as the ocean deep_

_I am low my friend and how my heart does sink.”_

Alarm blaring, I am once again roused from my slumber. Fumbling for my phone I shut off the alarm and slowly begin to regain consciousness. As I begin my morning routine I reminisce over the past few days. It’s funny really, just a week ago I woke up from a relatively sleepless night, combined with a sense of dread for what was supposed to be another monotonous day. Jump ahead just one week and I find myself fully rested with an amount of optimism that I had been lacking for a long time now. Rekindling my friendship with Sayori relieves me from a sense of guilt that I had grown so accustomed to. As I make my way downstairs I am greeted by my mother’s ever present smile like always. Yet, it seems just a bit more genuine then before. I can tell she is thrilled about me expanding my horizons. While we still don’t talk much in the morning it comforts me knowing that I was able to make her just a bit happier. Something I have been failing to do for years now. In just one week so much has changed, and for once the change was for the better. I say my goodbyes as I start to make my daily commute to school. The chill of November greets me as I step outside. I make a mental note to start wearing a jacket in the future for the air is getting colder and colder. As I make my way down the sidewalk I notice that Sayori is not waiting for me in her usual spot. I stop just in front of her house and idle for a bit. Her parents cars are not in the driveway as usual. They normally leave before she even wakes up on most mornings. Maybe she is just running late? I stand for a few more minutes staring at the windows for any sign of movement. Nothing. Last week she would always be in this exact spot waiting for me, every day her overly cheerful smile would be the first thing I would see. I shoot her a quick text just in case she slept past her alarm. “ _You’re gonna be late sleepyhead. I’m not waiting out here forever.”_ I stow my phone away and wait for a reply. After another five minutes I check the time. 7:33 A.M. I’ll be late if I don’t leave right now. I take one last look at her house and shrug my shoulders. She did say she had homework to do, plus she had to discuss the club’s plans for the winter festival. Knowing her she probably waited until the last minute to get all of her work done, classic Sayori. I chuckle to myself as I make my way to school alone. If it was anyone else I would probably be more concerned but this type of behavior is what Sayori is known for. If anything it was more surprising seeing her being so productive the past week. I drop the subject as I approach the campus.

The day is halfway over, the bell signaling the beginning of the lunch period. As I maneuver my way through the crowd of students congesting the hallway, I notice someone moving towards a classroom. Normally I don’t pay attention to other students but the tall elegant figure and long hair catch my eye. I recognize the student as Yuri, she is making her way towards a classroom. Curious I take a peek in said classroom to find her opening her lunch, and of course a book as well. Why is she eating in a classroom? I idle in the hallway to let the crowd of students dissipate. Last thing I need is students seeing two people enter an empty classroom alone, those rumors would cause a lot of trouble, especially for someone as timid as Yuri. Once the crowd is all but gone I take another peek before opening the classroom door. Surprisingly enough she does not hear me enter the classroom. She is engrossed in her novel and simultaneously eating her lunch. She would be able to eat and read at the same time. After a few seconds I clear my throat before speaking. “I’m pretty sure students are supposed to eat in the cafeteria.” Yuri noticeably jumps in her chair, clearly taken by surprise. I laugh as she becomes increasingly flustered. “Sorry about that, couldn’t help myself.” I smile at her as she begins to calm down.

“I-it’s okay, I just didn’t hear you come in.” She takes a calming breath before giving me a polite smile. “What brings you in here?” She asks.

“Funny, I was about to ask you the same question.” I take a seat as I say this. “What brings you in here?”

Yuri noticeably fidgets, clearly thinking over how she should answer. After some time she sighs before responding. “I always eat in here.” She begins to blush a bit and looks away before continuing. “It’s quiet, lets me concentrate on reading.”

“You always read during lunch?” I ask, she gives me a small nod, while still refusing to make eye contact.

“I always eat lunch alone, this way no one is able to bother me.”

“Are people bothering you often.” I ask this as my concern begins to grow.

“No not necessarily.” I give her a stern look and she lets out another sigh. “Kind of, in reality I get asked the same questions a lot. Why are you always reading? You never talk to anybody.” Yuri falls silent before continuing. “I usually tense up and don’t answer when someone addresses me, this either convinces them to leave or they continue their line of questioning.” Yuri makes eye contact with me after a brief pause. “I don’t think most of them are being mean when they do it, they are more than likely curious about my mannerisms. I just….. can’t read people. I can never tell if they are just being friendly or if they have some hidden agenda that I am just not picking up on. I go over countless responses in my head and yet I never give an answer, I just bury my head into my novel.” Yuri smiles sadly at the novel on the desk. “The people in books are so much easier to relate to. The author conveys their thoughts in such detail that often at times I would believe they were in fact real. You would think with all of the reading I do, especially when it comes to psychological novels, I would understand the human psyche better than anyone.” Yuri chuckles to herself. “In reality it makes it even harder to understand people, so I just shut them out.” After this Yuri tenses up a bit and looks away again. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to ramble like that, I-I don’t need to be b-bothering you with my social awkwardness.” She begins to nervously stroke her hair once again. I give her a polite smile.

“Nothing to apologize for, you clearly have been bothered by this and wanted to get it off of your chest. If anything people should take the hint and not ask questions that don’t involve them.” Yuri begins to noticeably relax a bit and though she is still flustered she gives me a small smile.

“Your always so kind and patient with me…” Yuri trails off before continuing. “Your behavior is very endearing at times.” Her blush deepens considerably after saying this.

I chuckle lightly to myself. “Endearing she says.” I laugh some more. “I swear Yuri you are just a walking dictionary and I can’t get enough of it.” We both laugh before engaging in some more small talk. She begins describing the novel she just bought to me, talking in her clear confident voice reserved only for literature I can’t help but admire the progress she has made in the past week. In just seven days she went from speaking rarely and quietly to speaking with confidence and in a much louder tone. She even cracks small jokes here and there, to someone on the outside looking in it may not seem like much, but I can clearly see the progress she made. Before long the bell sounds off, signaling the end of the period. Yuri snaps out of her monologue before gasping softly. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

“I just realized you didn’t even eat” she starts to become more flustered, clearly thinking it is somehow her fault. Her speaking has improved for sure but her confidence…..well baby steps for now. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you from eating.” I begin to laugh at her embarrassment.

“Relax Yuri, I’ll be fine. Next time I’ll just have to bring my own lunch.” She pauses for a second after I say this. “If I’m not distracting you from your reading that is.” I smile at her as she becomes flustered yet again. I should really keep count of how many times this happens.

She doesn’t respond immediately, she merely strokes her hair nervously. After a while she simply nods her head in approval.

“Alright then.” I stand up and stretch before making my way to the door. “I’ll see you at the club.” Before I walk out Yuri calls out to me.

“Wait.” I turn and after a second she gives me a small timid smile. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.” I exit the classroom just as the hallway starts to become congested with the other students. In no time I arrive at class and patiently wait for the monotonous school day to end.

The final bell rings as I begin to gather my things. I ascend the stairway and arrive at the club. As I enter the room I glance around to see what everyone is doing. Natsuki is reading her manga as usual, Yuri is reading her novel in the corner but gives me a polite wave upon me entering the room, Monika is in the front writing on a piece of paper. I feel a tinge of guilt at seeing her. I should apologize for my behavior yesterday. Last but not least Sayor is…..not here? I scan the room again but see no sign of her at all. Waking up late is one thing but would she also be late to the club? Did she even come today? I check my phone to see if she had responded to my text from earlier. Nothing. Odd, I decide that if anyone will know her whereabouts Monika would, plus I need to talk with her anyway so hey why not kill two birds with one stone? I make my way towards the front and sit next to Monika. She stops writing upon my approach and gives me a polite smile as always. If anything it almost seems like nothing happened between us, still I decide to address it. “Hey Monika.”

“Hey Kris, how was your day?”

“Pretty boring so in other words nothing unusual.” She chuckles lightly. I let out a sigh before continuing. “So I wanted to apologize.” Her smile fades a bit as I say this. “I was an ass, you were worried about your club member, your friend, I get that and I had no right to react the way I did. So I’m sorry.”

She gives me another polite smile albeit it seems more genuine. “You don’t have to apologize, while yes I was concerned about Sayori, I was being pushy about a subject I had no knowledge of. A subject I had no business knowing.” She lets out a laugh. “Let’s just both say we are sorry and move past it.” She offers me a handshake which I return. Effectively burying the hatchet right then and there.

“I’m glad to hear it.” We lapse into silence before she speaks again.

“Well you can just relax for today, we aren’t sharing poems since Sayori is absent today.”

“Speaking of her, what happened to her today?” I ask.

“She sent me a message earlier today saying she was feeling sick, I wasn’t too surprised though, we skyped yesterday and she was looking a little under the weather.”

“Okay just curious, thanks again Monika.” I get up from the desk as she returns to her writing. As I begin to rummage through my bag for the novel Yuri lent me, I think back to yesterday. Did she seem sick yesterday? That could explain her odd behavior and why she wanted to cut our visit short. Maybe she didn’t want to worry me? I shrug the thought off, I’m probably over thinking it, besides she isn’t a child. Well age wise she isn’t a child. I find the novel and make my way towards Yuri who is patiently waiting for me. We are on the final stretch of the book and honestly this novel turned pretty damn dark. Before I have time to assume the reading position we have become accustomed to Yuri speaks up.

“if it’s alright with you, I have a request.”

“What is it?” I ask.

“Well if it’s okay with you, could we sit on the floor and read.” I give her a curious look and she starts to become flustered. “Y-you see I have a bad back and hunching over a desk c-can be a bit painful at times, so I like to sit against the wall sometimes to relieve the pain.”

“I had no idea, what gives you back pain?” As I ask this her face takes on a deep shade of crimson as she stutters on her words.

“W-well i-it’s probably b-because….” She turns away clearly embarrassed.

I stare at her confused for a moment before a light bulb practically lights up above my head. Yea I can think of a big reason for her back pain….. two big reasons at that. I laugh before relieving her embarrassment. “Your posture right? Hunching over books all day is affecting your posture.” I can see relief spread across her face as she is spared from having to explain herself. Ignorance is bliss after all.

“Y-yes it’s my posture, I don’t know why I was so hesitant on admitting it.” She laughs nervously as she begins to sit on the floor with me following. Once we get comfortable we begin reading in silence. There are about two chapters left and I have to admit I find myself invested in the story. I never was much of a reader, but this story took a dark tone that I did not see coming. A tone I previously thought was reserved for anime and games. We finish the last page and close the book. After a moment of silence Yuri speaks up. “So…..w-what did you think?” Yuri asks timidly.

“Not gonna lie to you Yuri that story took a dark and twisted turn at the end.” I glance at her and notice a look of disappointment. “It caught me off guard and I loved it.” Yuri looks up immediately with a surprised expression.

“You did?”

“Hell yeah I did! I love when a story isn’t afraid to do something bold and dark. There is a reason people enjoy authors like Stephen King so much.” Yuri’s eyes light up.

“You read Stephen King novels?” She has a level of excitement I never thought was possible for someone like her.

“Well not really, I watched a lot of his movies though and I heard the books are usually way better. I know my mom used to read his books back in the day. I’m surprised you know who he is, he is an American author.” As I ask her this, Yuri begins to chuckle.

“Well I have always loved reading books and I wanted to see what type of stories are told in the west. That being said I wanted to read the stories the way the author intended for them to be read.” Yuri pauses for a moment as I give her a curious look. She elaborates her point further. “What I mean by that is, there are times where an author’s message can be lost or lose some of its impact in translation. It took a lot of work but I am able to read most English novels. Though I am still unable to speak English.”

“That’s awesome Yuri. I had no idea you could read English.”

“You said your mother used to read a lot of his books?” Yuri asks.

“Yeah she did, We used to live in the united states when I was young but ended up moving here since my dad’s job was relocated.” Yuri looks surprised.

“I had no idea you were originally from the United States, Your Japanese is superb.”

I smile at her. “Thanks, I moved here when I was about five years old, so I had a bit of trouble at the beginning. I am able to speak both English and Japanese fluently. I can read Kanji and English as well.”.

“I’m surprised you are still able to speak and read English after coming here at such a young age.” Yuri is clearly intrigued by my western upbringing. She has the same expression she normally reserves for literature.

“Well we speak strictly English in our house, I guess my parents don’t want to abandon our roots.” Definitely not because dad would scream his head off if he heard us speaking “That god forsaken gibberish” in His house.

“That’s understandable.” Yuri closes her eyes and sighs. “I tried to learn how to speak English but ultimately it was too much of a commitment. I am content with being able to read it though.” Yuri pauses before blushing. “Can you say something in English and translate it for me? I never spoke with someone who was fluent in the language.” She starts to stammer on her words. “I-if that’s okay with y-you of course.”

I give her a reassuring smile. How could I say no to that? “I don’t mind.” I pause for a moment to think about what to say. I eventually settle on something. _“Your passion for literature is inspiring, the way your eyes light up with such intensity is endearing.”_ I happened to have googled the word endearing after our exchange at lunch. I can almost feel myself pulling a Yuri with the sudden presence of heat in my face.

Yuri stares at me quizzically. She clearly had no idea what I just said. “What did that statement mean?” Yuri stares with an almost childlike wonder.

I laugh sheepishly before translating. _“Bungaku ni taisuru anata no jōnetsu wa shigeki-tekideari, sono yōna tsuyo-sa de anata no megahikaru hōhō wa mirikitekidesu.”_ After my translation Yuri takes on a shade of crimson I didn’t even think possible. I laugh before speaking. “I uhh I happen to look up what endearing meant, guess I wanted to return the compliment.” I laugh as Yuri nervously strokes her hair. Maybe I was a bit too bold with my words. She looks like a nervous wreck.

Before either of us can break the silence, Monika addresses the club. “Okay everyone, that about does it for today. Be sure to write a poem for tomorrow and speaking of which, I want everyone to attend tomorrow. We need to discuss our plans for the festival and what roles we all are going to undertake.” Monika glances at all of us before stopping on Yuri. Her face takes on a concerned look. “You feeling okay Yuri?”

Yuri jumps at the sudden confrontation. “Yes!” Yuri exclaims a bit loudly. Her eyes go wide before continuing, albeit in a much more quiet tone. “Sorry didn’t mean to yell, I’m fine.” Yuri refuses to make eye contact.

Sensing that Yuri doesn’t want to be called out any further Monika gives her a polite smile. “Okay just making sure.” Monika then speaks louder. “With that said, I’ll see all of you tomorrow.”

After Monika’s announcement everyone begins packing up. I feel a bit guilty for putting Yuri in such an uncomfortable mood so I approach her as she is placing her things in her bag. “Hey uh…” Yuri jumps at my sudden appearance. She still seems like she is tense from before. “Sorry about earlier, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” Yuri eventually makes eye contact before taking a calming breath.

“I-Its nothing you did, I just wasn’t expecting you to….” Yuri goes over what to say next in her head. “…Compliment me in that manner. N-not that I didn’t appreciate i-it or anything it’s just….” Yuri falls silent again trying to find something to say. I patiently wait for her to compose herself but start to grow concerned. Her breathing is rapid and it almost seems like she is going to have a nervous breakdown. “I-it’s j-just…. T-t-that..” She falls silent yet again. “Damnit!” Yuri exclaims in a frustrated tone. Almost immediately her anger melts away to one of embarrassment. “S-sorry I didn’t mean to yell.” Her breathing is reaching a point to where she looks like she is about to hyperventilate.

“Are you okay Yuri? You’re breathing really fast.” I take a step towards her as she looks around the room in a panic.

“I….i have to go!” Before I can say anything else she grabs her back and rushes out of the room. I call out to her but she doesn’t stop. I am left alone in the clubroom to contemplate what the hell just happened. Was what I said really that embarrassing for her? It’s hardly the first time I have complimented her in any way. I move out into the hallway to see if I can catch up with her. After looking around she is nowhere to be seen. Sighing to myself, I return to the clubroom to grab my stuff and make my way back home. As I walk past the women’s restroom going over what happened in my head, the lone occupant is sitting in a stall. Her breathing is rapid and refuses to slow. Yuri tries to take calming breaths to resist the coming anxiety but it is no use. Her heart is racing and her thoughts are muddled together. She glances under the stalls for signs of anyone else in the restroom. Nothing. After a moment she fumbles in her back, finding the zipper compartment she hastily opens it and pulls out the solid metal object. It has a surprising weight to it, it is tinted in a light blue hue with wave patterns engraved into the pristine handle. Already her breathing is slowing down but her heart is still racing, thoughts are still clouded. She gently opens the knife and the blade is also tinted in a light blue hue. It isn’t a long blade but it’s edge is razor sharp. After another breath her hand’s become steady once more. Just the presence of the knife in her hands relieves some of the anxiety, but it’s not enough. A small cut at first, nothing too serious but the blade slices through the skin like wet paper. Yuri’s breathing is calm and a small sound escapes her lips. It’s the sound of air being sucked in between her teeth, followed by a quick exhale of her breath. Her heart rate begins to slow and her mind while still racing, begins to clear. Another cut, this one is deeper, crossing the length of her forearm in a horizontal cut. Not enough to do anything drastic, but the warm blood starts to flow freely from her forearm. Her heart is back to normal and her mind is clear. Her breathing is a bit faster but not because she is nervous. The pain relieves the tension in her mind as she closes her eyes. Deep calming breaths, the slight tinge of pain emanating from her forearm reminding her of the two fresh cuts made. She slowly opens her eyes and after a moment exits the stall. After washing off the wounds in the sink and taking extra care to let all of the blood run down the drain, Yuri retrieves some bandages from her bag. With the kind of precision that comes with experience, Yuri hastily bandages the fresh cuts to prevent them from staining her uniform. Before unrolling her sleeves she traces the numerous scars on her forearm. She used to keep count but at this point counting each individual scar would take way too long, plus the other arm isn’t even in view. Still safely hidden away under her sleeve. After unrolling her sleeve, concealing her arm, Yuri takes a long look in the mirror. The timid eyes of an overly shy girl are gone, replaced with the calm satisfied eyes of the freak she knows she is. Yuri thinks back to the events today and for the first time in a while feels a tinge of guilt from her actions. No can know, He can never know. They wouldn’t understand anyway. After another breath, Yuri re-enters the stall and cleans the blood from the floor. Making up a quick excuse mentally in case anyone walks in. It was just a nose bleed, nothing to worry about. After making sure that all traces of blood are cleaned, Yuri returns the pristine knife into her bag and makes her way out of the restroom. Her breathing is calm, heart is beating steadily, and with a mind clear as crystal she leaves the campus as if nothing happened.

After dinner I make my way towards my room, closing the door I plop into my desk chair and let out a long sigh. I didn’t see any sign of Yuri on my way out of the campus. I try and think over why she acted the way she did, and why me complimenting her would set her off. I overstepped my boundaries, it’s obvious she has some form of anxiety, and yet I put her on the spot with my cheesy line. Groaning into my hands I begin to rub my temples, and here I thought I had gotten rid of this guilty feeling. Next time I need to think more about what I say to her, I’m being too assertive for her own good. Somehow I find myself causing others pain, even with the best of intentions I still can’t do anything right. It’s always one step forwards, two steps back. After a few more minutes of scolding myself mentally, I pull out some paper and a pen for tomorrows poem. After a few minutes of brainstorming, my hand begins to write freely.

**Indecision**

_Alone I stand in a room full of black_

_A voice calls my name but I know there is no turning back_

_The voice cries out in agony and pain_

_I could end her suffering and yet I still refrain_

_The voice grows louder as the floor opens its gaping maw_

_I grasp for a foothold something to stop my descent, I only succeed in rubbing my hands raw_

_I finally break my descent when my hands cling to what must be a ladder_

_The voice, screaming from high above, begins to grow sadder_

_Her voice grows weaker as she desperately pleas_

_I tightly shut my eyes and whisper to myself, “Why won’t she flee?”_

_The sound of rushing water fills my ears_

_The lapping of the water against my heels fills my heart with fear_

_Climb the ladder and follow it to safety, follow it and save her!_

_Yet my body refuses to climb, as if it wants me to suffer_

_The water fills the gaping maw, passing overhead and filling my lungs_

_The path to freedom is before me yet I simply cling to the rungs_

_The voice calls to me, through the water with such precision_

_She berates me for my lack of action, cursing my indecision._

I finish the poem and place it in my bag, I head to my door and listen just in case any yelling starts to break out. Nothing. Letting out a sigh I make my way to bed and set my alarm. Laying in silence I begin to go over how I should apologize to Yuri tomorrow. I need to start being more careful about what I say from now on. It doesn’t take long for me to lose consciousness completely.


	5. Chapter 5

_“It’s like there’s cancer in my blood_

_It’s like there’s water in my lungs_

_And I can’t take another step_

_Please tell me I am not undone”_

Another day begins as I slowly open my eyes. Like yesterday I wake up fully rested and commence my usual morning routine. The only thing on my mind is how awkward lunch with Yuri is going to be after yesterday. Her reaction still has me uneasy and the fact that I was the cause doesn’t make things better. I prepare a lunch anyway while mentally preparing myself for the conversation. Hopefully things can go back to the way they were easily like with Monika. I wave goodbye to mom and step out into the winter air. Breath puffing out like smoke, I make my way down the sidewalk to spot Sayori. Her presence takes me by surprise and while I have my doubts about her actually being sick, they are quickly discarded by her cheerful attitude.

“Gooood Moorning!!!” Sayori exclaims in a songlike voice. Maybe she really was just sick and I didn’t notice?

“Someone is feeling better this morning.” I reply as I ruffle her hair avoiding her desperate swipes of retaliation.

Sayori lets out a huff as she fixes her hair before smiling once again. “Yeah, I had a nasty stomach bug yesterday, for once in my life food was my enemy.” Sayori takes on a gloomy expression after saying this forcing a small chuckle out of me. She laughs to before continuing. “Sorry I didn’t reply to your texts by the way, I was asleep for most of the day. I didn’t keep you waiting long did I?” Even though she is still smiling something about the way she said that last part has me uneasy. Like she is actually beating herself up for making me wait. I shake these thoughts out of my head, I’m probably overthinking it. I let out a laugh.

“Not too long, I figured that if you wanted to be late to school that is your problem.” She lets out a small smile that almost seems genuine as we begin our walk to school.

The walk is surprisingly quiet and for once her usual cheerful humming is absent. Though Sayori still has a pep in her step and a smile glued to her face, something about her seems off. We wait at the crosswalk for the signal light to change and this nagging feeling wont go away. I turn and look at Sayori, she seems happy but still I feel like something is wrong. Finally I break the silence to ease my thoughts. “Is everything okay?” I ask.

Sayori gives me a confused look before giving me her signature smile. “Of course, I feel better today no rainclouds at the moment.”

“Rainclouds?” I look up at the clear sky and look back at Sayori. “Uhhh, what do you mean by rainclouds?”

Sayori stares for a moment before laughing. “You know when you’re sick or your feeling down, it’s like a bunch of rainclouds are blocking out the sun. That’s how I felt yesterday but not today.” Sayori smiles once again while I still give her a curious glance. After a moment I laugh at her childlike behavior. Classic Sayori. The nagging feeling I had before is all but forgotten as we approach the campus. Sayori waves goodbye and skips to class, her signature humming echoing down the hall. I shake my head and smile to myself before begrudgingly walking to class. Just as Sayori walks around the corner of the hallway her skipping stops, her humming falls silent, and the rainclouds return blotting out the sun.

Like a judge’s gavel, the lunch bell signals the end of class. I gather my things and head into the hallway, as I approach the classroom from yesterday I idle for a bit to let the crowd die down. After the hall is mostly clear I take a peek in the classroom. Yuri is sitting in the same desk as usual though this time her book is closed. I take a breath to prepare myself mentally for what could be a very awkward conversation. I go over my mental notes once again to not push Yuri too far and after another breath I enter the classroom.

Surprisingly Yuri greets me with a warm smile and seems to be calm and collected compared to yesterday. “Good afternoon Kris, how has your day been?” Yuri greets in her usual sophisticated manner.

“Pretty dull and pretty boring, so you know not a bad day.” Yuri laughs slightly before I take a seat at the desk next to her. I pull out my lunch as and she follows suit. We eat in silence for a few minutes, I wrack my brain for a way to bring up yesterday in a more delicate manner. Before I can succeed however Yuri clears her throat and surprisingly beats me to the punch.

“So, about what happened yesterday…” Yuri trails off and looks away bashfully before taking a breath. She makes eye contact with me with a determined expression. “I wanted to apologize for my… odd behavior. If you remember our previous conversation yesterday, I have a very hard time reading people. I had no idea if you were being genuinely kind or if in a way you were making fun of my vocabulary.” Yuri takes on a deep blush and begins to stammer. “N-not that I think you would do s-such a thing… it’s like i-I said, I can never tell what people’s i-intentions are.” Yuri takes another breath steadying her voice. “For some reason I doubt what people say, or I overthink what they are trying to accomplish. You were just being nice and complimenting me and I reacted as if you had insulted me.” Yuri looks away embarrassed. “I apologize.”

I smile at her before responding. “You have nothing to be sorry for Yuri, I know you are a bit… timid around others and I pushed you a little too far.” Though I don’t personally think casual flirting is “pushing too far” it’s clear Yuri is a special case. “So from now on, I’ll be more careful what I say and how I say it.”

Yuri makes eye contact once again before shaking her head. “You don’t have to do that!” Yuri exclaims in a slightly raised tone. Immediately her bashful nature returns. The sudden changes in her mood are seriously throwing me for a loop. “Sorry, I mean I know in retrospect that I overreacted, if anything I am genuinely grateful you spend as much time with me as you do.” Yuri timidly strokes her hair. “I’m glad y-you put up with my awkward nature. Most people don’t have the patience to deal with my mannerisms but in just these two weeks you have had more patience with me then most.” Yuri smiles slightly before continuing. “I must say it’s pretty endearing.” Her blush deepens while I let out a small laugh.

“Endearing she says.” I reply getting a small giggle from her. “Alright Yuri, if it’s not too much of a burden on you, just for future reference if you feel like your thoughts are swarming or you aren’t too sure what my intentions are, just ask next time.” I give her a reassuring smile as she takes a calming breath.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” We fall into silence once again albeit the tension from earlier is gone. We spend the rest of the period making small talk. Yuri brought a few Stephen King novels with her and offered to let me borrow one. After some debate I settle on the novel Misery, since I happened to enjoy the movie. After the bell rings I say goodbye to Yuri and make my way back to class.

The final bell rings and I make my way up the stairway towards the clubroom. Upon entering I do my usual scan of the room. Yuri is in her usual spot and waves when I enter. Natsuki is out of sight but I can hear her rummaging in the closet. Sayori is sitting in a desk drawing on a piece of paper, when I try to get a closer look she covers it with her arms and proceeds to stick her tongue out at me. Chuckling to myself I find Monika sitting in the front as usual going over some papers. Just another day. A strong part of me wants to go spend time with Yuri, but the conversation I had with Sayori the other day pops up in my mind. I really should spend some more time with her. I look her way again and find that she is still drawing. She does look busy though. After some internal debate an idea pops into my head. I laugh to myself as I already feel the sense of nostalgia just thinking about the place. I’m sure Sayori would love to go there, it’s been years. Smiling I decide to head over to Yuri and take a seat next to her. When I retrieve the novel Yuri leant to me, Yuri slides her desk next to mine to assume the same reading position as the previous novel. Her blush is present as always but it’s nice to see her take the initiative every once in a while. We read in silence with me occasionally pointing out the differences between the movie and novel. Yuri doesn’t watch many movies and since these movies were originally filmed in English she never even tried. With that said she gives me her full attention as I ramble about how the scenes played out in the movies. It’s funny in a way our roles have reversed. With me rambling on and on while Yuri simply listens. Due to the constant interruptions however we only finish three chapters before Monika gets our attention.

“Okay everyone it’s about time for our poem sharing, it’s a bit early but I want to get it out of the way because we have to discuss our plans for the festival.” After her announcement everyone begins to go to their respective bags and pull out their poems. I pull mine out and half expect Sayori to be breathing down my neck ready to read my poem like last time. Oddly enough however, I find Yuri standing behind me, holding out her poem for me to read. I blink a few times before smiling. She sure is feeling bold today. I take the poem from her and begin reading.

The Raccoon  
  
It happened in the dead of night while I was slicing bread for a guilty snack.

  
My attention was caught by the scuttering of a raccoon outside my window.

  
That was, I believe, the first time I noticed my strange tendencies as an unusual   
human.

  
I gave the raccoon a piece of bread, my subconscious well aware of the consequences.

  
Well aware that a raccoon that is fed will always come back for more.

  
The enticing beauty of my cutting knife was the symptom.

  
The bread, my hungry curiosity.

  
The raccoon, an urge.

  
  
The moon increments its phase and reflects that much more light off of my cutting   
knife.

  
The very same light that glistens in the eyes of my raccoon friend.

  
I slice the bread, fresh and soft. The raccoon becomes excited.

  
or perhaps I'm merely projecting my emotions onto the newly-satisfied animal.

  
  
The raccoon has taken to following me.

  
You could say that we've gotten quite used to each other.

  
The raccoon becomes hungry more and more frequently, so my bread is always handy.

  
Every time I brandish my cutting knife the raccoon shows me its excitement.

  
A rush of blood. Classic Pavlonian conditioning. I slice the bread.

  
And I feed myself again.

I read the poem over again and suppress a slight shudder down my spine. Well Yuri does enjoy creepy stories, this poem definitely has a creepier tone then the last. I find it hard to pinpoint what the subject is exactly about. What I mainly get from it is that the person is giving in to their unusual desires and habits. As for how that relates to Yuri… I have no clue. I hand her back the poem. “This one was definitely more sophisticated then the last one.”

“I felt like taking a more…bold stance with this one.” Yuri gives me a curious glance. “Did you not enjoy it?” Yuri asks in a surprisingly calm manner. The absence of her trademark timid nature is odd, but in a way I suppose it’s a good thing.

“No I enjoyed it, it’s just that I am having a harder time pinning down the subject of the poem.” Yuri waits patiently for me to formulate my thoughts. Our roles have truly reversed on this day. “I understand that it’s about someone giving in to their desires and habits, with the raccoon representing the urges. And how they grow more frequently but…” I laugh before continuing. “I guess my biggest question is what inspired you to write about this Yuri?”

Yuri stares for a moment, her calm expression and steady gaze a direct contrast to her usual behavior. She giggles before responding. “We all have habits and/or desires that are a bit…unorthodox to put it one way.” She giggles some more as I feel heat invade my face. Figures my mind would take her statement too far. Yuri continues on. “It could be about anything really, gambling, drinking, maybe even stamp collecting. What I’m trying to say is maybe the poem isn’t about me or any particular individual, at least not directly. One could simply take it as a statement on humanity itself, forever giving in to their temptations, blissfully unaware that they are being consumed by it, slowly, day after day. Until one day, they simply run out of bread to slice.”

I stare at Yuri dumbfounded. Never in a million years would I have come to that conclusion. I smile and let out a laugh. “Like I said literary analysis isn’t my strong suit, still Yuri it was a great poem, you should be proud.” Yuri smiles bashfully and oddly enough I find it relieving to see her return to her timid nature. While it’s nice to see her be bold and confident, it almost seems like she is a different person.

“Thank y-you. It means a-a lot to hear that.” After a few moments of silence I hand her my poem to read. After a minute or two she hands me back the poem with a surprised expression. “You have improved over these past couple of days Kris. While I am a firm believer that poems do not need to rhyme, it is impressive you were able to do so and convey such a serious message.” Yuri smiles at me. “Call me impressed.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it Yuri, thanks for sharing.” I smile at her as she begins to look around the room for another person to share with.

I begin to look too but my search stops immediately as I feel a light tap on my shoulder. Turning around I find Sayori behind me, full of sunshine like always. “You ready to read my poem Kris?”

“I don’t know Sayori, did you write it during breakfast again.” I laugh as she pouts slightly.

“No! I worked really hard on this one so go on read it already!” Sayori exclaims shoving the poem into my hands. After smoothing it out a bit I begin reading.

Bottles

  
  
I pop off my scalp like the lid of a cookie jar.

  
It's the secret place where I keep all my dreams.

  
Little balls of sunshine, all rubbing together like a bundle of kittens

  
I reach inside with my thumb and forefinger and pluck one out.

  
It's warm and tingly.

  
But there's no time to waste! I put it in a bottle to keep it safe.

  
And I put the bottle on the shelf with all of the other bottles.

  
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts in bottles, all in a row.

  
  
My collection makes me lots of friends.

  
Each bottle a starlight to make amends.

  
Sometimes my friend feels a certain way.

  
Down comes a bottle to save the day.

  
  
Night after night, more dreams.

  
Friend after friend, more bottles.

  
Deeper and deeper my fingers go.

  
Like exploring a dark cave, discovering the secrets hiding in the nooks and crannies.

  
Digging and digging.

  
Scraping and scraping.

  
  
I blow dust off my bottle caps.

  
It doesn't feel like time elapsed.

  
My empty shelf could use some more.

  
My friends look through my locked front door.

  
  
Finally, all done. I open up, and in come my friends.

  
In they come, in such a hurry. Do they want my bottles that much?

  
I frantically pull them from the shelf, one after the other.

  
Holding them out to each and every friend.

  
Each and every bottle.

  
But every time I let one go, it shatters against the tile between my feet.

  
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts in shards, all over the floor.

  
  
They were supposed to be for my friends, my friends who aren't smiling.

  
They're all shouting, pleading. Something.

  
But all I hear is echo, echo, echo, echo, echo

  
Inside my head.

Whoa. I read over the poem again and find it to be really dark and kind of depressing. I glance at Sayori who has a cheerful smile on her face as always. “Wow Sayori, this one is pretty dark and kind of depressing. You sure you wrote this?” As I ask this Sayori beams.

“What, did you think I only write about happy things?”

“Yeah, yeah I did. Can you blame me though? Your practically a ball of positivity.”

Sayori chuckles some more. “But I like writing about sad stuff, at the same time I also like writing about happy stuff. In a way I like things that are bittersweet. After all you can’t be happy without being sad first!” Sayori exclaims.

I am silent for a moment before I start laughing. “Sayori, that is probably the deepest thing I have ever heard you say.” I continue laughing before letting out a sigh. “Anyway, you ready to read my poem now?”

Sayori beams and without warning rips the poem out of my hands and begins reading. After a few minutes she looks up at me smiling. “Yay! It’s about time you started making your poems rhyme.” Sayori exclaims.

I laugh at her behavior. “Besides the rhymes, did you like it?”

“Of course I did! It is a bit sad but I expect nothing less from an edge lord like you.” Sayori then proceeds to stick her tongue out at me before returning the poem. I roll my eyes at her attempt at an insult and hand her poem back as well.

I proceed to the front of the room where Monika has just finished sharing with Yuri. As I approach she gives me her usual polite smile. “How are you today Kris?”

“Ehh, you know I’m breathing, and at the end of the day isn’t that what matters most?”

Monika lets out a chuckle. “In a way yes, that is pretty important. So you ready to share?”

“Ready when you are.”

“Glad to hear it.” Monika proceeds to hand me her poem and I begin to read it.

The Lady who Knows Everything

  
  
An old tale tells of a lady who wanders Earth.

  
The Lady who Knows Everything.

  
A beautiful lady who has found every answer,

  
All meaning,

  
All purpose,

  
And all that was ever sought.

  
  
And here I am,

  
  
a feather

  
  
Lost adrift the sky, victim of the currents of the wind.

  
  
Day after day, I search.

  
I search with little hope, knowing legends don't exist.

  
But when all else has failed me,

  
When all others have turned away,

  
The legend is all that remains - the last dim star glimmering in the twilit sky.

  
  
Until one day, the wind ceases to blow.

  
I fall.

  
And I fall and fall, and fall even more.

  
Gentle as a feather.

  
A dry quill, expressionless.

  
  
But a hand catches me, between the thumb and forefinger.

  
The hand of a beautiful lady.

  
I look at her eyes and find no end to her gaze.

  
  
The Lady who Knows Everything knows what I am thinking.

  
Before I can speak, she responds in a hollow voice.

  
"I have found every answer, all of which amount to nothing.

  
There is no meaning.

  
There is no purpose.

  
And we seek only the impossible.

  
I am not your legend.

  
Your legend does not exist."

  
  
And with a breath, she blows me back afloat, and I pick up a gust of wind.

I hand Monika back her poem without even trying to find out the hidden meaning behind it or how it would relate to Monika. After all she is very free form.

“So what did you think?”

“As free form as a feather in the wind.” I reply getting a laugh out of her.

“Now your getting it. Well you ready to share yours now?”

“About as ready as I’ll ever be.” I reply handing Monika the poem.

After a minute Monika hands back the poem. “You are definitely improving as I thought you would. You made your poem rhyme which isn’t an easy thing to do, while also telling a simple yet powerful story in your words. You even adopted some sophisticated vocabulary.” Monika raises her eyebrows. “I wonder where you picked up some of these terms.”

I let out a laugh. “Now, Now Monika, that would be telling.” I wink as she laughs.

“Fair enough, but seriously good work. Your improving every day.” Monika gives me a polite smile before moving towards Sayori to share.

Last but not least I find Natsuki waiting for me. I approach her as she gives me her usual hateful stare. What isn’t there to love about her? “Alright let’s get this over with.”

“Wow, you seem excited.”

“Oh I am excited, can’t you tell?” Natsuki smiles before handing me her poem. I smile slightly before reading.

Amy Likes Spiders

  
  
You know what I heard about Amy?

  
Amy likes spiders.

  
Icky, wriggly, hairy, ugly spiders!

  
That's why I'm not friends with her.

  
  
Amy has a cute singing voice.

  
I heard her singing my favorite love song.

  
Every time she sang the chorus my heart would pound

  
to the rhythm of the words.

  
But she likes spiders.

  
That's why I'm not friends with her.

  
  
One time, I hurt my leg really bad.

  
Amy helped me up and took me to the nurse.

  
I tried not to let her touch me.

  
She likes spiders so her hands are probably gross.

  
That's why I'm not friends with her.

  
  
Amy has a lot of friends.

  
I always see her talking to people.

  
She probably talks about spiders.

  
What if her friends start to like spiders too?

  
That's why I'm not friends with her.

  
  
It doesn't matter if she has other hobbies.

  
It doesn't matter if she keeps it private.

  
It doesn't matter if it doesn't hurt anyone.

  
  
It's gross.

  
She's gross.

  
The world is better off without spider lovers.

  
  
And I'm gonna tell everyone.

I chuckle internally but after re-reading it, I find it’s message to be relatable. Even though the premise seems silly and childish, the overall message is that people tend to judge others on their faults or at the very least what others view as faults. It doesn’t matter if they are a good person or not, they have a flaw that people don’t like, so therefore they are weird. Leave it to Natsuki to bury an important message in such a cute and childlike way. I hand her back the poem. “It’s pretty good Natsuki, I think we can all relate to Amy a bit.”

Natsuki smiles proudly. “Glad to see you aren’t a total loss, now let me get your poem out of the way.” Natsuki holds her hand out expectantly. I hand her the poem and after a few minutes she hands it back. “Well it’s still pretty depressing but it is easy to understand, and at the very least you had some nice rhymes thrown in.”

I smile at Natsuki. “Is that genuine approval I’m hearing right now?”

Natsuki snorts and punches me in the shoulder. “Don’t push your luck, I figured I can cut you some slack every once in a while.” Natsuki giggles a bit. “Just don’t get too comfortable, remember I’m still a bad bitch.” We both laugh before going our separate ways.

After everyone is done sharing Monika addresses the room. “Okay everyone, now that the sharing is out of the way, we are going over our role for the festival this year.” Everyone congregates in the front of the room. Once everyone is present and listening Monika continues. “Since we have been doing a lot of poem sharing lately, I thought it would be a good idea to have a poetry performance for the festival. Not only that but we will allow others to come up and share if they want. Sayori has already designed some posters and posted them around campus to give those interested some time to prepare.” After saying this, Sayori holds up her poster proudly. Her drawing is surprisingly neat and it details the event rather well. While Sayori and Monika seem excited, Natsuki looks less then pleased, and Yuri looks like she could drop dead any second.

“Seriously Monika!” Natsuki exclaims. “It’s one thing to share in front of all of you, but there is no way in hell I am going up there to recite a poem for a bunch of random people.” Natsuki lets out a huff and sits back down.

Monika gives Natsuki a sympathetic look. “I know it isn’t going to be easy but still, I think it is a great idea. We have all improved our writing over the past couple of weeks and due to our varying writing styles we can show others that there are many ways to write poetry. Not every poem needs to rhyme, be complex, simple, or even have a definitive meaning. Your poems prove this Natsuki, so please it will take just a few minutes.” Natsuki is still pouting albeit she isn’t as flustered as before. Sensing her weakness Monika goes in for the kill. “Plus you get to show off your baking skills to the other students. If poetry doesn’t draw a crowd, a hundred of your heavenly cupcakes will.” Monika gives Natsuki a reassuring smile. She really knows how to sway the odds in her favor. Natsuki remains silent for a few moments before letting out a long sigh.

“Alright, alright fine! I’ll do it.” Sayori squeals and begins hugging Natsuki. Natsuki becomes flustered and begins shoving her. “Get off me you damn monkey!” Sayori giggles mischievously before complying.

Monika nods her head in approval before looking at Yuri, who is still mortified at the thought of sharing in front of dozens of people. “Yuri? Can I count you in as well?” Monika asks giving her a sympathetic smile.

Yuri glances at everyone, her breathing is becoming rapid and for a moment I’m afraid she will run out of the room like yesterday. She looks at me, almost like she is indirectly asking me what she should do. I give her a reassuring nod and smile. After a few moments her breathing slows and she closes her eyes. She eventually opens her eyes and sheepishly nods her head. Sayori squeals again but stops herself from hugging Yuri. It seems even Sayori can respect people’s boundaries at the appropriate time.

Monika smiles at Yuri. “Thank you Yuri, I knew I could count on you. With that said, I want everyone to write a poem for the festival. You have two weeks to come up with your best poem. On the last week before the festival we will practice reciting in front of everyone every day.” Monika looks around at everyone to make sure we all heard before continuing. “Now with that out of the way, we have one more agenda before the meeting ends. We need to assign roles to everyone to prepare the clubroom for the festival. Natsuki is obviously baking the cupcakes, Sayori will continue designing the posters and help me with the pamphlets when she is done.” Monika looks at Yuri for a moment. “Yuri, out of all of us you have pristine handwriting and drawing skills, so I want you to be in charge of decorating the room and setting up a nice atmosphere. Is that fine?”

Yuri stares for a moment before giving a gentle smile. “I can most certainly do that.”

Monika smiles. “Glad to hear it, that just leaves you Kris.”

“The truly useless one.” I reply.

“Oh stop!” Monika laughs slightly before thinking. After a moment an almost mischievous grin crosses her face. Before I can make sense of it she speaks up. “Well since Sayori is already helping me, and Natsuki vowed to never have anyone help her bake again after a certain incident with Sayori.” Monika looks towards the two, Natsuki shoots Sayori an accusing glare while Sayori whistles innocently. “You can help Yuri with the decorations. It’s a lot of work for one person to handle so I feel like this is the best spot for you, unless you have any objections of course.”

“None your honor.” I reply smiling.

Monika laughs before looking at Yuri. “Is that alright Yuri?”

Yuri looks at both of us before smiling bashfully. “Some help would be appreciated.”

“Great, Now I want to quickly set up a group text chat before we go. We can discuss plans further if need be, or if something comes up, we all have a reliable way of communicating with each other.” After saying this everyone hands Monika their phones and she proceeds to enter the respective numbers in the group chat. After sending a confirmation message to ensure everyone is receiving the message, Monika concludes the meeting.


	6. Chapter 6

_“It's like there's fire under my skin_

_  
And I'm drowning from within._

_  
I can't take another breath_

_  
Please tell me I am not undone.”_

The alarm on my phone repeats it’s never ending cycle of lyrics once again. Endlessly repeating in five minute intervals like clockwork. I haven’t been keeping track of the repeats though, it’s hard for me to focus on anything right now. I don’t even know why my alarm was set in the first place, it’s not like I slept anyway. The entire night I laid in bed staring at the uncaring ceiling, every blink filling we with a small amount of hope, a hope that I would finally lose consciousness and be somewhere else just for a little while. However this hope would be smashed every time by the sight of the uncaring ceiling. The night drug on slowly, seconds, minutes, hours passed by. The moon slowly crossed the night sky, slowly fading out of sight as the sun’s rays peaked over the eastern horizon. After another cycle, I finally shut my alarm off. It’s barely 7:00 A.M. I slowly rise and commence my daily morning routine of hygiene. Shower, deodorant, brush teeth, get dressed, every morning the same thing, like clockwork. Yet on this morning I find myself dreading school. I know Sayori is outside waiting, her cheerful attitude on display for the world to see, I know that Yuri will be waiting in the classroom during lunch, I know that the club will be there after school, I know that I will have fun with everyone and forget about the previous night’s events, but the most damning thing of all is that I know what waits for me afterwards. I know that home will be waiting for me when I get back, eagerly willing to smash all of my happiness yet again, like clockwork. After getting dressed I head downstairs to find my mom in her usual spot in the kitchen. No greetings were given, no conversation was made, the painful silence hung in the air like smoke. On a different day I would try and make amends, or at the very least make some form of small talk. Today however, today I’m just too tired to give a damn. Wordlessly I make my way out into the cold winter air and like I predicted, find Sayori waiting on the sidewalk. She makes her way over to me wearing a smile on her face. Upon reaching me however, a look of concern spreads across her face. No surprise there, I probably look like a dead man walking.

“You feeling okay?” Sayori asks.

“Never felt better.” I reply dryly. I begin walking towards school without another word. Sayori takes a moment to fall into step next to me. Out of my peripheral I can see her try and break the tension. Surprisingly though after a few false starts she seems to have given up. We reach the crosswalk and patiently wait for the signal light to change. I glance at Sayori and notice her sadness. A part of me wants to ask what’s wrong, on another day I would do just that. Today though, today I’m just too tired to give a damn. We arrive at the campus without a word spoken between us, I sigh to myself in relief. I don’t know if I can handle Sayori’s cheerful attitude today. This relief is quickly shattered as Sayori steps in front of me, a look of determination on her face.

“Okay somethings wrong. What happened?” Sayori demands.

I shrug my shoulders. “Nothing, just didn’t sleep much last night. Nothing to worry about.” I try and step past Sayori but she blocks my path yet again. I sigh in frustration. Today is not the day for her to be like this.

“Please something happened so just tell me.” Sayori is practically begging now, her determination turning into desperation. Why the hell does she even care? I try to step past again but Sayori blocks my path yet again.

“Nothing happened damnit! Now please move I’m going to be late.” I try and step past yet again but Sayori once again blocks my path. My anger is bubbling to the surface. “For fucks sake just move damnit!”

“Then tell me what’s wrong!” Sayori shouts back, eyes tearing up. A few passing students give curious glances but keep moving on.

I glance around before sighing. I take a gentle yet firm grasp on Sayori’s shoulders. Maintaining eye contact I speak in a quiet, even tone. “There’s nothing Sayori, nothing that you can help with anyway. I just need to be alone for a bit okay?” Sayori doesn’t look convinced.

“Was it something I did?” Sayori says quietly. Her question takes me by surprise for a second. I laugh dryly before replying.

“This doesn’t involve you Sayori, it has nothing to do with you, there is nothing to for you to worry about. I’m just in a bad mood and want to be alone for a while.” Sayori still doesn’t back down, the concerned expression on her face makes me feel guilty and angry at the same time. Why is she making this about her if it doesn’t involve her? The bell rings signaling our tardiness. I let out another sigh before replying. “If anything you would just make it worse.” Sayori has a pained expression on her face, somewhere deep inside me I can feel a sense of guilt but I suppress this feeling. It really is none of her business anyway, I don’t know why she even thought it involved her. Wordlessly Sayori steps aside with a defeated expression on her face. Without looking back I head to class. The teacher gives me a agitated look when I walk in late. After informing me of my tardiness I simply let out an empty apology and take my seat. As he resumes his lecture, I slowly lay my head on my desk.

The lunch bell rings startles me out of my sleep. Most of the students are making their way out of the classroom already. I pack up my stuff and head out into the hallway. Throughout most of the periods I gained some sleep. Though I am still exhausted, I at least have the energy to wear my mask again. As I idle in the hallway to let the crowd die down before entering the classroom, I think back to Sayori. That sense of guilt creeps back in and I sigh in frustration. Tired or not, I had no right to treat her that way. She was concerned for her friend and I lashed out at her for it. I’ll apologize to her later. After the crowd dies down, I take a breath and enter the room. Yuri is patiently reading her book. Upon hearing the door open she looks up and starts to greet me. She stops midway however and begins to look concerned.

“Are you feeling alright today Kris?” Yuri asks in a soft, concerned tone. I give her a smile as I sit down and stretch.

“Yeah, I just didn’t sleep very well last night, nothing to worry about though I’m fine.”

Yuri seems like she wants to press further but after a false start, she stops herself and gives a polite smile. I sigh in relief internally. “Okay, I was just making sure. Sorry if I sounded a bit nosey.” Yuri replies.

“You were concerned for your friend Yuri, nothing nosey about that at all.” I give her a reassuring smile to ease any doubts she may still have.

Yuri smiles softly to herself, a small blush creeping into her cheeks. “I suppose that’s true, then I take back my apology” Yuri giggles slightly, I simply smile and shake my head.

Yuri and I engage in our usual lunch conversation, she tells me that she tried to watch the English version of Misery last night, with Japanese subtitles of course. While having to watch and read at the same time was a bit distracting, she enjoyed the movie. “I’m surprised at how faithful it was to the source material. Obviously they couldn’t put everything from the book into the movie, it was still an admirable adaptation.”

“I’ll have to take your word for it” I reply, since I still haven’t read the whole book yet, but judging by the first few chapters, I can tell the movie did a pretty good job so far.

The lunch bell signals the end of the period, I say goodbye to Yuri as she begins to pack up her things. Before I step out of the classroom Yuri calls out to me.

“Wait.” I turn around and look towards her. “Are you sure everything is okay?” Yuri starts to become a bit more flustered as she continues. “I’m willing to listen if there is something wrong, your always so patient with me so…” Yuri trails off and begins to nervously stroke her hair. After a few more moments I simply smile.

“Thanks Yuri, it means a lot. But like I said nothing’s wrong, I just didn’t sleep very well is all.” I give her a fake reassuring smile to sell the lie and she takes it. She nods her head and gives me a timid smile before saying goodbye. I walk towards my next class, a sickening feeling in my gut. Sayori, Yuri, Mom, all of these people care so much and I can do nothing but lie or hurt them, sometimes both. I plop down into my desk and rub my hands over my face and proceed to half listen to the monotonous lecture.

As I enter the clubroom I notice everyone is in their usual spots. Just another day. I look towards Sayori and see her talking with Monika. I wanted to catch her alone so I could talk with her, but it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen for now. I rummage through my bag for the novel and take my usual place next to Yuri, we begin to read through the novel as usual, albeit at a faster pace than yesterday. On occasion we would still discuss the differences between the book and movie. It’s odd, to many this seems like it would be a rather boring thing to do, but the way Yuri’s eyes light up when talking about literature, the way she talks with confidence and the way she laughs and cracks jokes here and there, makes the simple act of reading seem like the most thrilling experience in the world. I can’t help but admire her passion for something that is often overlooked or ignored by many. Our reading is interrupted by Monika’s usual address at the end of the meeting. She reminds us to work on the poem for the festival before ending the meeting. Everyone begins to pack their things and head out, I say goodbye to Yuri and look around for Sayori so we can walk home. After a quick scan I see her already heading out the door. I let out a sigh before catching up with her in the hallway. She gives me a smile when I catch up but I can tell it is anything but genuine. As we exit the campus I try and break the tension.

“Listen, I’m sorry about this morning. I was just in a bad mood and I didn’t need to take it out on you.”

Sayori smiles sadly before shaking her head. “No, I was bugging you. You told me to just leave you alone and I wasn’t listening.”

I laugh slightly. “No you weren’t, but you were concerned for you friend, that is no reason for me to lash out at you. So I’m sorry.”

Sayori is still shaking her head but realizes that I won’t back down. She gives me a smile and we lapse into silence again. The walk is quiet and while I think she accepted my apology, something still seems off. Her skip has been replaced with a slow pace walk. Her feet are practically dragging and her gaze is locked onto the sidewalk. We begin to reach our neighborhood before she breaks the silence in a way I did not expect. “If Yuri asked you to walk home with her, would you do it?”

I stop walking and give her a curious glance. Where the hell did that come from? “uhh… I’m not sure. The thought hasn’t really crossed my mind…I don’t know.” Sayori nods and continues walking. Her behavior is really odd, I quicken my pace and stop her in her tracks. “Where did that come from?”

Sayori stares blankly at me before smiling. “I was just curious is all.”

“Would it bother you if I did walk with Yuri?” I ask. “I know you like our walks home.”

“if it makes you happy then it makes me happy.” Sayori gives me a big smile to emphasize her point, I’m not buying it however.

“Seriously though, where did this question come from? Your kind of putting me on the spot here.”

Sayori continues to smile though it is becoming less genuine by the second. “I was just curious, you enjoy spending time with her so I wanted to see what you would say.”

At this point to say I’m confused would be an understatement. “Well I happen to enjoy our walks too you know.” I laugh before continuing. “Seriously Sayori where is this coming from, I didn’t take you for the jealous type.”

Sayori shakes her head. “It’s not that, if anything I’m glad you are making new friends. I wanted you to join the club to do just that.” Sayori smiles sadly, I still can’t think of the reason behind her behavior. Surely it’s not from this morning is it?

“You’re afraid I’ll spend less time with you?” I ask.

Once again Sayori shakes her head as we approach our respective houses. “No, I know you will go out of your way to make time for me, even if you don’t actually want to.”

I stare at her dumbfounded, she gives me a weak smile and begins to walk to her house. I grab her arm and stop her. “Are you okay? I’m being serious something seems off about you today.”

Sayori gives me a big smile and laughs. “Of course I am silly! You have nothing to worry about.” Sayori exclaims in a cheerful tone. The sudden change in her attitude throws me off and before I can make sense of it, Sayori skips to her door humming softly. I remain standing on the sidewalk dumbfounded. What was all that about? Was I really overthinking her behavior? The way her mood changed instantly only increases my confusion. I take another glance at her house before begrudgingly walking towards my house.

As I sit down for dinner, the tension in the air is so thick you can cut it with a knife. Mom isn’t even trying to make small talk like usual, dad was already drunk by the time he walked in. I can’t help but notice the way he stares me down on occasion. Almost like he is daring me to mouth him off again. I know better though, it would only make things worse. After I finish my plate and wash it in the sink, I am spared from the awkward kitchen and ascend the stairs towards my room. I switch on my Xbox as usual and kill some time before bed. As I set my alarm and lay down it doesn’t take me long to lose consciousness.

The next two weeks come and go. The tension from the argument two weeks ago is still taking its toll on the house. While mom is becoming more talkative again, it’s clear she is being careful. She acts like she is walking on eggshells, one false step and everything will fall apart again. The mornings are still silent and tense. As I begin getting dressed for the day, I look over the poem I wrote for the festival, it took a lot longer than I would have liked to get it done, but in the end I like the way it turned out. After fixing my tie I join mom downstairs for another quiet morning. I try and engage in some small talk about the upcoming festival but the most I can drag out of her is “that’s nice”. I eventually give up and hug her goodbye before stepping out into the December air. The burning coldness stings my face as I make my way down the sidewalk. Unsurprisingly I find Sayori is not waiting for me again. For the past two weeks she has been oversleeping more and more. Even her attitude in the club is starting to suffer. Though she still has a smile on her face, I can tell something is bothering her. Every time I try and talk to her about it however, she switches to an overly cheerful personality and brushes off my questions. To say I’m starting to worry is an understatement. Though when she is around the others she seems to act normal, so maybe she is tired of me asking her all the time? My phone’s message alert snaps me out of my train of thought. It’s a text from Yuri telling me good morning in her usual sophisticated manner. I smile slightly before replying back. She had texted me one day out of the blue, getting my number from the group chat, asking if I can get a few things for the festival decorations. I of course did not call her out on her bluff, she easily could have asked me over the group chat since that’s what it was made for. Still though it was smooth and honestly I’m still scolding myself for not thinking about it. It was pretty weird at first, it’s one thing having to deal with Yuri’s sophisticated way of speaking in person, but her text messages are just as formal as her speaking. Everything from proper punctuation, grammar, capitalization, you name it. It still makes me laugh when she texts like that but I have to admit, it’s pretty adorable. The time we spend at the club combined with the texting has me more anxious about Sunday, we chose that day to work on the decorations for the festival next week since Yuri for obvious reasons isn’t allowed to have a guy over and thankfully my dad works on Sundays. God knows I would never have someone like Yuri around with that bastard home. I make my way to school and begin another boring day of learning.

The day comes and goes like always and in no time I find myself entering the club once again. While everyone is in their usual spots, there is a bit of both excitement and tension in the air. We have the weekend to prepare for the festival and everyone particularly are scrambling to make sure everything is perfect. Once I enter the room Monika addresses the club.

“Okay everyone, we can relax for a little bit but we will need to rehearse our poems before the meeting ends today.” Everyone nods their head in agreement. As I start to head towards Yuri like usual, Monika stops me. “Hey Kris, can I talk to you for a moment.” Monika has a serious expression on her face as she says this.

“Sure, what’s on your mind.” I ask.

Monika looks around a bit before speaking in a hushed tone. “Have you noticed anything odd about Sayori lately?” Monika motions towards Sayori with her eyes. I discreetly glance her way. Sayori is staring at her desk with a blank expression, slowly dragging an eraser up and down the desk. “She has been acting a bit weird for the past couple of weeks but I just thought she was nervous about the festival.” Monika sighs before continuing. “Maybe I’m just overthinking it, but today she seems even worse than usual. You know what I mean?”

I take another glance at Sayori before nodding my head. “Yeah, I noticed something was up with her as well.” I reply in an equally hushed tone.

“Have you talked with her lately? I figured since you have known her the longest that she would open up to you or something.”

I let out a sigh. “Honestly Monika, I have tried on multiple occasions. Every time though she assures me that she is fine, her personality will flip on a moment’s notice.” I look her way yet again. “Still though, today she does seem even worse, how about you Monika? Could you try and talk with her? She may be willing to talk with you.”

Monika thinks this over silently before nodding her head. “I can try, while I’m sure it’s nothing too serious, I want to make sure nothing is wrong you know?” Monika gives me a polite smile. “Thanks anyway Kris, if I find out anything I’ll be sure to let you know.”

Monika proceeds to walk towards Sayori’s desk. She kneels next to her and talks in a hushed tone. I can’t make out what they are talking about, but from this angle I can see Sayori give Monika a big smile. After another moment I decide to hang out with Yuri, if something is wrong Monika will let me know. If anything it probably is just pre-festival nerves. While this doesn’t relieve the uneasy feeling in my stomach completely, Yuri’s polite smile at the very least distracts me from the thought. I take a seat next to her and begin to pull out the novel “Metro 2033” seeing as how it became a rather popular game series on top of it being a novel, it’s a perfect point of discussion between the two of us. Before we begin reading Yuri clears her throat. “What was it that Monika wanted to discuss with you?” Yuri asks.

Though I don’t want to lie to her, if there is something wrong with Sayori I don’t want to just let everyone know immediately out of respect for Sayori’s privacy. On the other hand, if there isn’t anything wrong than I don’t want to cause Yuri to worry for no reason. “Just some things about the festival, she mainly wanted to know if my poem was finished and if I was ready, that sort of thing.” Yuri nods her head and I decide to steer the conversation away from Sayori. “How about you Yuri? You ready for this?”

Yuri ponders the question for the moment. Though her nervousness has toned down significantly over the past month, I can tell the thought of public speaking still has her nervous. She nervously strokes her hair before sighing. “About as ready as I’ll ever be. If I’m being completely honest, it’s the waiting that’s killing me.” Yuri smiles proudly. “I’m proud of the poem I wrote though and I’m sure after today’s practice that once I’m up in front of everyone and reciting my poem, I will be fine. But to answer your question directly, I’m still pretty nervous.” Yuri laughs nervously.

“That’s understandable but I’m sure you’re going to kill it up there. Just practice today and over the weekend and I’m sure you will do great.” I smile at her to hopefully ease her nervousness. While it only seemed to help a bit, it’s better than nothing I suppose.

“I appreciate it.” Yuri’s blush deepens and she noticeably fidgets. “It’s still okay if I come by your place this weekend right? I hate that I had to spring it on you like that. It’s just you know…” Yuri trails off a bit. I chuckle lightly at her embarrassment.

“It’s no big deal really, with the two of us I can’t see the decorations taking more than a couple of hours at most.”

Yuri noticeably relaxes and smiles softly. “Okay, if you say so.”

I go to say something else but I feel a light tap on my shoulder. I turn and see Monika standing there. “Hey guys, Kris I don’t mean to bug you again but can I talk to you for another moment?”

I look at Yuri and shrug my shoulders. “Yeah it’s no big deal, I’ll be back in a bit Yuri.” Yuri nods her head thought she is noticeably curious.

Monika and I walk to the other side of the classroom. “Well how did it go?” I ask her.

Monika lets out a sigh. “She assures me that she is fine, just a bit nervous about the festival. She said she doesn’t want to ruin it for everybody.” Monika looks in Sayori’s direction.

“Well that’s understandable. At least nothing’s wrong than right?” As I say this Monika gives me a concerned look. Clearly she doesn’t buy Sayori’s excuse.

“Maybe, but I don’t know I can’t shake this feeling that there is something else bothering her.” Monika lets out another sigh. “She smiled and laughed the whole time during our conversation and I can’t tell if she is just really good at hiding her emotions or if I’m just really overthinking things.” Monika has a defeated expression on her face. I don’t blame her, that thought has been plaquing my mind for the past two weeks. It’s clear that Monika cares about her club members and as the leader she must feel responsible. The only thing I can try and do is ease the tension.

“Maybe there is something wrong.” Monika looks at me while I continue. “At the same time though it could be nothing serious. Maybe our constant worrying is just making it worse.” I let out a laugh. “Hell, maybe she is just nervous and we are just overthinking things way too much. My point is, if Sayori wanted to talk about it she would have done so. If there is something wrong, than I’m sure Sayori will open up over time.” I smile to myself. “That being said I’ve known her all my life, she may not look it but she’s stronger than she looks.” Monika looks Sayori’s way once again. She gives me a polite smile.

“Your probably right, the best thing we can do is wait and see. Even if I don’t like doing that, she is an adult.” Monika lets out a laugh. “Well age wise anyway.” We both laugh before Monika pats me on the back. “Either way, I appreciate your insight Kris. I’m still concerned but at the very least I can focus on other things for the time being. Just if anything comes up, could you let me know?”

“Of course.”

“Thanks, it’s about time for us to rehearse so go ahead and grab your poem.” Monika than proceeds to let the other members know. I head to my back and pull out the poem. I take a breath to steel my nerves. Here goes nothing.

“Okay everyone, I’ll start us off and we can decide who goes next.” Everyone nods in agreement as Monika stands at the front of the class. She takes a breath before beginning her recitation.

**Happy End  
  
**

**  
**Pen in hand, I find my strength.

  
The courage endowed upon me by my one and only love.

  
Together, let us dismantle this crumbling world

  
And write a novel of our own fantasies.

  
  
With a flick of her pen, the lost finds her way.

  
In a world of infinite choices, behold this special day.

  
  
After all,

  
Not all good times must come to an end.

Monika finishes her recitation as we all applaud. Her emphasis on the words and the emotions behind them were all perfect. She sure set the perfect example. “Alright who wants to go next?” No one answers immediately, but I hear a determined breath next to me.

“I’ll go next.” Yuri says, a mix of determination and nervousness on her face. Monika steps down from the front and Yuri takes her place. When she makes eye contact with the rest of us, she noticeably fidgets. She takes a few calming breaths before beginning her recitation.

**Ghost under the Light pt. 2**

  
  
The tendrils of my hair illuminate beneath the amber glow.

  
Bathing.

  
In the distance, a blue- green light flickers.

  
A lone figure crosses its paty - a silhouette obstructing the eerie glow.

  
My heart pounds. The silhouette grows. Closer Closer

  
I open my umbrella, casting a shadow to shield me from visibility.

  
But I am too late.

  
He steps into the streetlight. I gasp and drop my umbrella.

  
The light flickers. My heart pounds. He raises his arm.

  
  
Time stops.

  
  
The only indication of movement is the amber light flickering against his outstretched  
arm.

  
The flickering light is in rhythm with the pounding of my heart.

  
Teasing me for succumbing to this forbidden emotion.

  
Have you ever heard of a ghost feeling warmth before?

  
Giving up on understanding, I laugh.

  
Understanding is overrated.

  
I touch his hand. The flickering stops.

  
Ghosts are blue-green. My heart is amber.

Though Yuri’s voice wavered a bit at the beginning, her voice took on a more calm and sophisticated tone. Her soft voice resonated perfectly with the complex vocabulary. Her face is a deep shade of crimson but other than that she looks less tense than when she began. We all applaud for her as she hastily returns to her seat. “That was amazing Yuri, great job.” Monika says, Yuri shyly nods before closing her eyes to calm her nerves. “Alright who’s up next?” Natsuki stands up abruptly before marching to the front. “Natsuki it is then.” Natsuki wordlessly stands in the front and unfolds her poem. There is a blush on her face and she seems a bit nervous. But after a moment she begins her recitation.

**I'll Be Your Beach**

  
  
Your mind is so full of troubles and fears

  
That diminished your wonder over the years

  
But today I have a special place

  
A beach for us to go.

  
  
A shore reaching beyond your sight

  
A sea that sparkles with brilliant light

  
The walls in your mind will melt away

  
Before the sunny glow.

  
  
I'll be the beach that washes your worries away

  
I'll be the beach that you daydream about each day

  
I'll be the beach that makes your heart leap

  
In a way you thought had left you long ago.

  
  
Let's bury your heavy thoughts in a pile of sand

  
Bathe in sunbeams and hold my hand

  
Wash your insecurities in the salty sea

  
And let me see you shine.

  
  
Let's leave your memories in a footprint trail

  
Set you free in my windy sail

  
And remember the reasons you're wonderful

  
When you press your lips to mine.

  
  
I'll be the beach that washes your worries away

  
I'll be the beach that you daydream about each day

  
I'll be the beach that makes your heart leap

  
In a way you thought had left you long ago.

  
  
But if you let me by your side

  
Your own beach, your own escape

  
You'll learn to love yourself again.

We all applaud as Natsuki steps down from the front. Though she is still a bit flustered, she has a triumphant smile on her face. “Well done Natsuki, Alright who wants to go next?” Monika looks between Sayori and I, Sayori shyly raises her hand. “Yes Sayori?”

“The thing is, I’m still working on mine but don’t worry! I will have it emailed to you this weekend. You can go over it and give feedback.” Sayori looks down in shame.

Monika gives her a polite smile but surprisingly enough doesn’t scold her for slacking. “Just please make sure to get it done okay?” Sayori nods her head. “Well in that case that just leaves you Kris.” I let out a sigh before standing. I take my place in the front of the room and begin my recitation.

**Loneliness, under the midnight sky**

They say, all good things must end

You are a garden of splendor

An intricate maze of complexity

I am but a wilted flower

I am not the saint you deserve

I pray for your breath

Yet, the shadows are my only companion

I am only a distant memory

Fleeting, ever out of reach

I take another breath after my recitation, I receive a round of applause from the others. Everyone seemed to enjoy the poem which helps relieve some of my anxiety. Guess I’m more nervous about public speaking than I thought. “That was great Kris, and with that I say we can end this meeting on a good note. Remember your individual tasks for the festival. If anything comes up make sure and let me know on the group chat.” With that everyone begins to pack up, Yuri shyly waves goodbye to me before heading out. I smile to myself and find Sayori waiting at the door to walk home.

The walk home is painfully quiet, I had no idea she hadn’t even written her poem for the festival. I know Sayori usually slacks in things like school, but I doubt she would slack on her club duties. The silence on the way home does nothing to ease my concern. As we start to approach her house she lets out a sigh. “I guess I’ll see you at the festival.” Sayori says in a half-hearted tone. I stop her before she walks away.

“Sayori, what’s wrong? You have been acting odd all day today.”

Sayori gives me an empty smile. “Nothing is wrong Kris, I guess I’m pretty nervous about the festival.” Sayori lets out a sigh. “I need to go work on my poem now. I’ll talk to you later.”

She goes to walk to her house but I still maintain my grip on her arm. “Sayori, you do know that if anything is wrong, you can tell me right? I’m willing to listen.”

Sayori stares for a moment before giving an even emptier smile. I was hoping this would maybe help her to open up, at least a little bit. But unfortunately that isn’t the case. “I appreciate that, more than you could even know.” Sayori laughs humorlessly. “Can I go home now please?” She asks in a gentle, almost pleading tone. I let out another sigh before complying. She walks to her house leaving me dumbfounded on the sidewalk yet again. There really is something wrong with her isn’t there? Yet no matter how hard I try, no matter how much we talk, no matter how much time I spend with her she refuses to open up. Is there something I’m missing? I sigh aloud before walking to my house. After another silent “family” dinner, I head up into my room and lay on my bed. I’m conflicted, on one hand I’m both thrilled and nervous to hang out with Yuri outside school, but on the other hand I can’t help but shake this feeling that something is really wrong with Sayori. Is my constant worrying simply making it worse? Am I really just overthinking it? I rub my hands against my face to try and clear my thoughts. My phone’s message alert tone snaps me out of my self-loathing for the second time today. It’s from Yuri, _“I never got the chance to say, Your poem was superb. I was really impressed by it and your delivery. I’ll see you on Sunday.”_ Yuri’s message alleviates my mental state just a bit. I reply, thanking her and telling her goodnight. Afterwards I simply stare at the ceiling. If I don’t hear from Sayori this weekend, I’ll just head over there. While I’m sure my constant worrying isn’t making her any better I can’t help but feel something is wrong. I’m ninety percent sure I’m overthinking it, but still better safe than sorry. I begin to lose consciousness, desperately trying to ignore the stabbing needles of uncertainty probing my mind.


	7. Chapter 7

_“I can’t take another step_

_I cannot live inside my mind_

_I can’t face another day_

_I am so fucking tired!”_

It’s Sunday. Today is the day Yuri is supposed to come over to work on the festival preparations. Like every Sunday dad is at work and won’t be back until late afternoon. Giving us more than enough time to finish the project. The last thing I want is for Yuri to have any interaction whatsoever with that bastard. Oddly enough mom was okay with me having her over, though I had to assure her multiple times that it was just for a club activity nothing else, it was nice to have her speak for once. I hadn’t realized how much I missed laughing with her, such a simple thing to miss and yet so many truly take it for granted. While I can’t express how anxious and excited I am about today, there is one thing that is still gnawing at me. I still haven’t heard from Sayori at all this weekend. Well partially anyway, I texted her yesterday asking if she wanted to do anything to which she declined. Her behavior over the last couple of weeks has me concerned not to mention the way she acted Friday afternoon. Yuri is planning on coming over around one. I check the time to see that it is 10:30 A.M. Should I even try to talk with her? It’s obvious something is wrong and she clearly doesn’t want to talk. At the same time however I feel like doing nothing would be an even worse course of action. I mull over my options before letting out a long sigh, if I don’t at the very least try this guilt will never go away. It’s probably nothing but I should make sure just in case. Slipping into some clothes I shoot Sayori a simple text. _“Get decent, I’m coming over.”_ I head out the door and make the short walk to Sayori’s house. Her parents cars are gone, they are more than likely gone for work. They are constantly at work, in the past I used to always do this. I would simply text Sayori that I was coming over and invite myself in. While that was years ago, I’m sure she won’t be upset. I make my way to her door and find it to be locked. I knock a couple of times, not that I’m expecting an answer since Sayori is usually in her room but you never know. Unsurprisingly, nobody answers so I glance at the row of potted plants against the side of the door. Lifting up the third pot, I find the key hidden under it. Chuckling to myself at the cliché hiding spot, I proceed to unlock the door and return the key to its hiding place. The house is quiet like always and I proceed to make my way upstairs. As I slowly ascend a growing sense of anxiety starts to form. What if she isn’t home? What if she is still mad at me, whatever it is I did, and me coming over so suddenly makes it worse? She did reject my offer to hang out yesterday. As I approach the door I hesitate to open it. Why am I so nervous? Shaking my head to clear out my swarming thoughts, I knock on the door twice, no answer. Is she asleep? I take a surprisingly shaky breath, I gently open the door.

I let out the breath that I was unintentionally holding. Sayori is sitting on her bed, she looks up at me and gives a sad smile. The rest of the house was bright, the curtains were all open to let the sunlight pour through, the house was spotless as always. Sayori’s room however is gloomy and unorganized. The curtains are drawn shut, a sliver of sunlight peeking through casting it’s light on part of Sayori’s face. Though she is smiling, her eyes convey a sense of sadness. The room is a mess, clothes and papers are tossed about haphazardly, as if it’s lone occupant just doesn’t have the will to care anymore. I shut the door behind me and take a seat on the desk chair directly in front of Sayori. The silence is deafening. Now that I’m here, I realize that I have nothing to say. No words of comfort come to my mind, and to make things worse, I still have no idea what is actually wrong with her. Judging by the condition of her room and her behavior, I can at the very least say with the utmost confidence, she is not okay. Sayori makes eye contact before giving a weak smile, it’s a painful sight, seeing her this way. “It’s been a while since you came over like this.” Sayori says. Her tone is even, neither happy nor sad, just flat, lifeless.

“Yeah.” I let out a chuckle. “You should really tell your parents to find a different hiding spot for the key, hiding it under a plant is so cliché.” I give Sayori a smile which she barely returns. She doesn’t laugh though, she barely reacts at all. We sit in silence for a few more moments before I let out a sigh. “I came by to check on you, I know something is wrong. You have been acting weird for the past two weeks. I’m worried, I know it’s not just nerves about the festival, so please Sayori, tell me what’s wrong.”

Sayori stares for a moment, her weak smile disappears leaving a blank expression on her face. Her sapphire eyes are dull, it’s almost like she is looking through me. “Nothing is wrong, you don’t have to worry about me.” Sayori replies.

“Bullshit!” I exclaim a bit more forcefully than I intended. “There is something wrong with you, did something happen to you a couple of weeks ago?” I ask.

Sayori shakes her head. “No, nothing happened recently.” She replies.

“But you haven’t been yourself lately, something must have happened.”

Sayori gives another weak smile and shakes her head. “On the contrary, I have been myself these past couple of days. Your just seeing it for the first time.” I sit in silence to let Sayori elaborate, but she doesn’t. She simply stares off, though I can see she has a tight grip on the side of her bed. As if she is trying to keep her composure. Seeing as how she isn’t going to explain herself, I press her for details.

“What are you talking about? For the past couple of weeks you have been down and just… I don’t know not overly happy like usual. You have always been this annoying bundle of sunshine, so don’t tell me your fine because I know it isn’t true.” As I say this Sayori continues to shake her head.

“You’re not going to let this go, are you?” Sayori asks, her grip on the bed tightens, her knuckles are white with strain.

I lean back in the chair to emphasize my determination. “Not a chance.” I reply.

Sayori closes her eyes and lets out a sigh. When she opens them, she gains an almost pained expression on her face, as if this is physically hurting her. She lets out a dry laugh. “You really put me in a corner Kris, but it’s like I said, I am being myself in front of you for once.” She falls silent for a bit, she looks to be contemplating on what to say next. I lean forward in the chair to give her my full attention. She makes eye contact and continues. “I’m a fraud, that happy bundle of sunshine you know isn’t real, at least not anymore.” Sayori lets go of the bed, her hands are shaking violently, she clasps them together to steady them, it is only partially successful. “I don’t know when it started, maybe I have always been this way, I was probably too young to even understand. The cheerful girl you know was a front, I am not always in a good mood, I am not always a bundle of sunshine. In truth I am always sad, every day I wake up from a restless sleep and stare at the ceiling. The simple act of getting out of bed is a chore, the simple act of eating is a chore, the simple act of sleeping is a chore. For years now I have been suffering from depression.” Sayori’s voice is barely above a whisper when she finishes. I almost didn’t hear her, part of me wished I hadn’t. Surely she isn’t serious? How does someone like Sayori even have depression? Sayori takes a shaky breath and continues. “I’m sorry, I have been lying to you for years now. This whole time you thought you knew the real me, when in reality I was faking it. I have been faking it to everyone, to you, my friends, even my parents. And now here you are, coming to check on me, like the great friend you are, that you always have been, and I have been lying to you.” Sayori puts her head down in shame, if part of me thought this was some cruel joke existed, it’s gone now. I stay silent for a moment. Gathering my thoughts I finally respond.

“I…I had no idea. How did I not notice this, I’ve known you for years.”

Sayori gives me a sad smile. “Because I didn’t let you see it, I may not look it, but I am a pretty good liar. You should know better than anyone, I had to lie to you just to get you to join the club.”

“Even so, why didn’t you tell me? Did you think I wouldn’t believe you? That I would make fun of you or something?” I ask.

“No, in fact I knew you would worry about me, you would always check on me, you would try everything to make me happy, and that’s exactly why I never told you, or anyone for that matter.” Sayori’s voice breaks a bit and she takes a calming breath. She looks like she is about to fall apart.

“Why though? Why don’t you tell your parents at the least? They want nothing but the best for you, they could help you.”

Sayori looks me in the eye, her pained expression is hard to look at. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to have your mind as your worst enemy? It should feel good when people care, when people want to help me, when they worry right? Having such loving friends and family should make me happy but it doesn’t!” Sayori’s voice is rising as she gets up from the bed and begins pacing around the room. “When people worry about me it hurts, it’s like a baseball bat is being swung against my head! The only thoughts that go through my mind is how much of a burden I am to everyone!” Tears start streaming down Sayori’s flushed face. She takes an even shakier breath and speaks in a quiet, pained tone. “When I’m overly cheerful, people don’t worry about me as much, how could they? I’m the happiest girl they have ever met, I have great parents, a great life, what could possibly be wrong with me?” My grip on the chair tightens at that. How long have I resented Sayori for having just that, the girl I used to envy, is breaking down right in front of my eyes. My throat tightens at the thought. “Even my parents can’t know, if they did they would treat me differently, always walking on eggshells to make sure they don’t accidently make me upset. They would probably take off work to spend time with me, they would treat me as if I’m made of glass. And that scares me the most.”

I swallow the lump in my throat before speaking. “You don’t have to pretend anymore Sayori, me, your parents, the club we will understand and respect your wishes. If you don’t want us to treat you differently than we won’t. You don’t have to lie anymore.” I take a step towards Sayori to try and comfort her, but she backs away shaking her head sadly.

“Your wrong, I have to pretend. After all I had to lie to you just to spend time with you again.” I take a step back after she says that. The guilt I feel is immeasurable. Was she suffering then? Or was me suddenly breaking off our friendship the cause? “It was selfish of me, you clearly didn’t want to be friends anymore yet I twisted your arm and deceived you into coming to the club that day. I convinced myself that I just wanted you to be happy.” Sayori looks me in the eye. “You tried to hide it, but I could tell you were always so sad. I never tried to find out why, all I could do was try and make you happy.” I can feel my face go pale as she says this. Does she know about my home life? Impossible, I never told her. “When I tricked you into joining the club, I was so happy, I convinced myself that I could continue this persona of a happy girl. Yet you were always so perceptive, if I showed even a hint of sadness you would just latch onto it immediately.” Sayori laughs. “So I tried to get you to be better friends with the others, you were worrying about me, putting my problems above your own and I just couldn’t take it. And it worked, your great friends with all the other girls…especially with Yuri.” Sayori looks away in shame. “And like the selfish bitch I am, I hated it. Even though I encouraged you, I hated that you spent more time with the others, and even when we were together I still hated how you worried about me. That day two weeks ago, when I kept bugging you, that was my wake up call. I couldn’t pretend anymore, I’m just too tired. I can’t keep lying anymore. This is my punishment, I was selfish to you and lied to everyone else and the universe is punishing me, and I deserve every bit of it.” Sayori plops back down onto her bed and stares at the floor. I remain standing in the center of her room, I have no words. I try and think of something, anything to say to her. After a few painful moments I sit back down on the desk chair and roll it towards Sayori. I take a firm grip on her shoulders and force her to look me in the eye. I have no idea if what I’m saying will even help. She said it herself, it hurts her when people worry about her. At the same time I can’t just do nothing right? I take a breath before breaking the silence.

“Sayori, I won’t act like I know what you are going through, I don’t even know if I can help you. That being said I want to try, you may not believe it but you are not the burden you make yourself out to be.” Sayori goes to interrupt but I give her a shoulders a firm squeeze to stop her. “Just let me finish please.” Sayori goes silent but eventually nods her head. “I want to help you, I promise you I will not treat you differently than before, however I want you to try and get help.” I take a moment to gather my thoughts. Is this the right course of action? Should I just simply tell her parents? I don’t know what to do, but at this point I’m just going with my gut feeling. “It doesn’t have to be right away, you can take it one day at a time. Whenever your thoughts are going against you, I am always willing to listen. Even if all you need to do is vent your frustration, I will be happy to listen. What I’m trying to say is, I won’t leave you alone. Not like I did all those years ago.” Sayori tries to keep her composure but ultimately it all comes crashing down. She immediately starts sobbing, I gently embrace her and allow her to let it all out. How long has she been dealing with this? She has been alone all this time, I left her alone all of this time. I gently stroke her back to comfort her.

An unknown amount of time passes, eventually her sobs die down to a whimper. Her body convulses every now and then but she seems to be calming down. After another moment she finally speaks. “I’m scared.” Sayori whispers hoarsely.

“What are you scared of?” I ask.

“I don’t know. Sometimes I just become increasingly terrified like something bad is going to happen.”

My grip on her tightens. “You don’t have to be scared, I’m right here.”

“I know, your hugs have always been so warm, even now, and that scares me even more.” Sayori lets me go after saying this and sits down silently on her bed. Before I can say anything, my phone’s alarm goes off. I had set it so that I wouldn’t lose track of time before Yuri came over. To be honest I had completely forgotten. I let out a sigh.

“I should cancel with Yuri today, you don’t need to be alone.”

Sayori stands abruptly and shouts. “No!” Her sudden mood swing takes me by surprise. “Please don’t cancel because of me. That would only make things worse, besides she needs help, it’s a lot of work for one person to do.” Sayori smiles at me. “And I know she is looking forward to today, she never gets to hang out with people outside of school. Please don’t ruin that for her on my behalf.” Sayori pleads.

I think over what I should do. “Then why don’t you come with? You can help out and have a good time. I can’t just leave you alone. Not after all this.”

Sayori shakes her head but gives me an actual smile. Whether she is faking it or it’s actually genuine I will never know. “You have already done enough for now, please I’ll be fine. In fact I think this helped me a bit.”

I try and retort but ultimately no words come out. I sigh before nodding my head. “Alright, I understand.” She beams at me as I say this and gives me another hug. Before I head out, an idea pops into my head. I turn back to Sayori. “How about tomorrow, after the clubs performance, you and me can hang out at the festival.” I let out a laugh. “Maybe I can win you another stuffed cow.” I nod my head towards the stuffed cow at the foot of Sayori’s bed. She looks at it and then at me. She gives me a bright smile.

“That would be nice. Now go on, don’t keep Yuri waiting.” Sayori waves as I exit her room.

I barely make it out the front door before collapsing onto the ground. Back against her front door, I rake my hands through my hair. Am I doing the right thing? Should have I insisted on her coming with? Still though she agreed to spend the festival with me, on top of her confessing her hellish torture she had to endure all these years. I just hope I’m not screwing things up. I let out a sigh before getting up. As I walk to my house I get a text from Yuri. _“I am on my way, I will see you soon.”_ I smile at her message, I look back at Sayori’s house before continuing my walk home. She is strong, she has been fighting all by herself and she insists that she will be fine. I just need to trust her on this. Plus she is right, Yuri doesn’t have many friends so this will be good for her as well. This line of thinking gives me some comfort but still, the guilt that this is possibly my fault hangs heavily on me. I’ll just have to try harder from now on, starting tomorrow. I enter my house and prepare for Yuri’s arrival.

At one on the dot, the doorbell rings. I descend downstairs to answer it. I open the door to find Yuri standing. She has a rather large bag full of supplies for the decorations. Her change of clothes throws me off guard, though it’s mainly because I have only seen her in her school uniform. She is wearing a long sleeve sweater and a pair of black pants. She stands silent at the door, probably unsure of what to say. Yuri is not the greatest when it comes to social situations, and that is putting it lightly. “You just going to stand in the cold all day?” I say with a smile on my face. She noticeably fidgets before blushing.

“R-right, sorry I should come in shouldn’t I?” Yuri laughs nervously as I step aside to let her in. Gently shutting the door behind her. Yuri looks around the hallway as we make our way upstairs. During this short walk it occurs to me just how barren the house really is. The furniture is simple and there are no pictures on the walls, no decorations, now that I take a good look at it, it looks like we have only just moved in. Never in my life did I think I would be self-conscious about my own house. Yuri doesn’t say anything on the way up the stairs, I lead her to my room where we will be making the decorations. Upon entering Yuri turns towards me. “Were you able to get the items I requested?” Yuri asks as formal as ever.

“Yeah one moment.” I open the drawer on my desk and pull out a stack of origami paper. “This is the right brand?” I ask.

Yuri laughs. “Brand doesn’t really matter, but yes it is correct.” She sets her bag down and begins pulling out spools of ribbon. “Contrary to what you may think, we are not in fact making origami.” I look at her in confusion as she elaborates. “Well I want to use the ribbons to make a curtain for the doorway. We than take a piece of origami paper and write a Kanji letter. We should need about a hundred or so. We can than fasten the paper onto the ribbon to make a unique curtain. I think it would look really nice and give the room a unique aesthetic.” I think over the design in my mind. Honestly it’s pretty clever and if done right could look amazing.

“That sounds awesome Yuri. I can see why Monika chose you for this.” I compliment Yuri as she blushes shyly.

“It’s no big deal, but thank you either way.” Yuri smiles before bringing out the rest of the contents in her bag. Among the spools of ribbon there is a large piece of paper and several paint tubes and brushes. Along with several bottles of oil and a wooden cylinder. I curiously pick the cylinder up and examine it.

“What is this for?” I ask.

“Oh that? That is a diffuser for essential oils, basically it’s aromatherapy.” Yuri takes the diffuser and puts one of the bottles of oil inside. She flips a switch on the bottom and a thin vapor begins to spew out of a small hole on top of the diffuser. The air in the room quickly becomes enraptured in a sweet aroma. While it’s a bit strong, it should be less potent in the larger clubroom.

“You really went all out didn’t you?” I say laughing.

Yuri smiles proudly. “It’s the least I could do, Monika wanted decorations and I plan on providing just that.” Yuri hands me a stack of origami paper. “You can go ahead and start writing the Kanji on these, any word will do really so don’t think too much about it. I’ll go ahead and cut the ribbon.” I take the paper and begin carefully writing a Kanji character on each piece. I take it slow since my handwriting is subpar at best and childlike at worst. As I do this Yuri unzips a compartment in her bag and pulls out a solid object. The pristine handle catches my eye. It is tinted in a light blue hue, with waves engraved into the immaculate handle. She gently opens the knife and like the handle, it’s blade is tinted in the same shade of blue. It’s an interesting knife and I find myself curious on why Yuri would have one as fancy as that. She is always so timid, I would have never guessed she would even be okay with holding a knife.

“That’s an interesting knife.” I remark, Yuri noticeably fidgets and seems to be embarrassed.

“Y-yes it is.” Yuri traces her hand along the handle.

I let out a laugh. “You don’t have to be embarrassed or anything. I was just complimenting it is all. It’s gorgeous.”

Yuri stares at me for a moment. “Y-you don’t think it’s…weird?” Yuri asks in a hushed tone.

Seeing how she is obviously self-conscious about it, I try and ease the tension. “No it’s not weird. If anything I just never expected someone as…timid as you to have a knife.”

Yuri smiles slightly. “I love knives, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the enticing beauty of the handles combined with the danger of the blade.” Yuri immediately takes on a deep shade of crimson. “What am I saying, I know it’s weird. I’ll just be quiet now.”

I laugh at her embarrassment. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, while it is a unique hobby, it’s not weird at all.” I chuckle. “Hell there are people that collect stamps, at least a knife has an actual use.” Yuri still seems unsure but she eventually calms down and gives me a polite smile. The tension in the room melts away as Yuri begins to cut the ribbon. Once again I find myself staring as the knife effortlessly slices through the ribbon as if it was cutting through the air. Before long Yuri has all the ribbons cut in equal length. Placing the knife back into her bag, she begins to help me with the Kanji. In no time we have over a hundred pieces of origami paper fastened onto the ribbon curtain. With it laid out on the floor, I have to admit it turned out even better than I pictured. Nodding at our work I turn to Yuri. “Alright boss, what’s next on the list.”

Yuri proceeds to unroll the large sheet of paper and places the tubes of paint into individual plastic containers. “ I wanted to paint a banner that could go over the podium in the clubroom. Something simple yet effective, like a starry night sky. It doesn’t have to be fancy or anything.”

“Sounds easy enough.” I reply sitting on the opposite side of Yuri, we begin to paint different sections of the banner. Obviously Yuri has to give me instructions since I am in no way what you would call an artist. We start to make decent progress on the banner before I let out a small laugh. Yuri looks at me curiously.

“What’s so funny?” Yuri asks.

“It just reminds me of elementary art class is all.”

Yuri becomes embarrassed as I say this. “I’m sorry if it seems childish, I thought a simple banner would be a great addition.” I quickly try to explain what I meant.

“Relax Yuri, what I meant was that you remind me of my elementary art teacher. She had to basically hold my hand through all of the projects. As you can tell I am not an artist whatsoever.” I give her a reassuring smile to try and calm her down. She’s as timid as always.

“R-right, sorry I didn’t mean to take it the wrong way.” Yuri blushes clearly embarrassed at her over reaction. Her hand is trembling when she goes to reapply more paint onto the brush. It slips out of her hand and she goes to catch it. She ends up splashing some paint on her face and the floor instead. At this point she is beyond flustered but I end up laughing at her embarrassment as she unsuccessfully mutters apology after apology.

“It’s alright Yuri, really you don’t have to be so nervous.” I smile at her. “Just be thankful my room doesn’t have carpet. It won’t be hard to clean.” I take a look at her face and notice the red paint speckled on it. Honestly it’s a bit hard to see since she is also a deep shade of crimson. It’s still amazes me that she hasn’t caught on fire yet. “Hold on, I’ll be right back.” I exit the room to grab a towel from the bathroom.

As I exit the room, Yuri exhales the breath she has been holding. Her breathing is rapid, thoughts are racing, heartrate is climbing. “No, no, no, no, not now, not here.” Yuri mutters to herself. Her eyes fall onto the zipper in her bag but she shakes her head. She starts to take calming breaths to try and relieve the anxiety. It is only partially successful. She unrolls her sleeve and inspects her forearm. The numerous scars standout from her pale skin. They are twisted and ugly. Anybody would be ashamed to have such hideous scars. Yuri closes her eyes and tries to clear her mind. “Not here, you can do this, please don’t ruin this, please.” Yuri begs herself. She is absent mindedly tracing her scars with her fingers. Her train of thought is broken by the sounds of footsteps approaching. While her anxiety isn’t completely gone, admittedly she is a bit calmer than before. She can at the very least hold on until she gets home. Yuri laughs to herself. “I’m pathetic.” She whispers to herself as she unrolls her sleeve over her arm, the door opens.

I walk in to find Yuri adjusting the sleeve of her sweater. While I don’t think much of it, she appears to be sweating a bit. “Is it too hot in here?” I ask.

Yuri’s eyes go wide and she shakes her head. “No, it’s fine. W-why do you ask?” Yuri asks nervously.

“Well you look like your sweating a bit is all.”

Yuri laughs nervously. “I-I’m fine, I guess I was worried you were upset about me spilling paint on the floor is all.” Yuri strokes her hair nervously.

I laugh at her embarrassment. “It’s no big deal Yuri, just relax.” Yuri nods her head. Her reaction was a bit odd, but judging by how nervous Yuri can get I’m not too surprised. I’m just glad she didn’t have another nervous breakdown. I kneel in front of Yuri with a towel in my hand. She looks at me curiously. “You got some paint on your face.” I laugh lightly as I dab the towel on her cheek. She gasps slightly causing me too pull back. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

“Nothing, it was just warm. I didn’t expect it.” Yuri says in a soft tone.

I gently laugh. “Well it is cold as hell outside.”

“T-that makes sense.” Yuri replies nervously.

I reapply the towel on her face and gently dab at the paint. The ever present blush on her face deepens and the heat radiating from her face is intense. Damn it all if it isn’t infecting me as well. I’m practically face to face with Yuri as I dab the paint on her neck. I’m not sure if it’s just the diffuser or what, but the air feels heavy. From this distance I can smell the same jasmine scent from the diffuser on Yuri. Both the scents are intense but barely hold a candle to her eyes. A deep shade of brown stare back at me, Yuri seems to be lost in some sort of trance. The same trance like state she gets when she is deeply invested in a novel. I dab the last of the paint off of Yuri’s neck, I go to take the towel off but she gently grabs my wrist. “C-can you…keep it t-there for a bit? It’s relaxing.” I than notice that Yuri’s nervousness from earlier has all but melted away. I gently reapply the warm towel. Okay, it must be the fumes in here or something. I don’t know much about aromatherapy but I can say with the utmost certainty, that cleaning paint off of someone shouldn’t be this intense. Yet I find that my face is growing ever closer to Yuri’s. Her stare is intense and it feels like I’m being pulled in. I can feel the heat from her face, smell the sweet scent of her perfume, feel her warm breath on my face. And just like that the trance ends. Yuri backs away shyly, her face a deep shade of crimson. I blink my eyes a few times to snap myself out of the daze I was unknowingly in. I can feel the heat in my cheeks as well. “L-let’s just finish the banner.” Yuri says quietly before taking her original position. Even though she is stammering, her hands are surprisingly steady as she elegantly paints the banner. I let out a soft sigh, damn so close yet so far away. I resume my position as well and try to paint, though in an odd turn of events, my hands are the ones that are shaking. Once again our roles have truly reversed on this day. She seems embarrassed but out of my peripheral vision, I can see the smallest of smiles on her face.

Factoring in our slight detour, we finish the banner in a few hours. We gently place it on my desk. Even with my subpar painting skills, it still turned out well. “If it’s okay with you, can you bring the banner to the festival tomorrow. It needs to dry overnight.” Yuri says while packing up all the supplies.

“Yeah it’s no problem.”

“Good, thank you.” Yuri finishes packing and stands awkwardly. She checks the time. “Sorry if I was too slow, I didn’t think it would take that long.”

I smile at her. “It’s no big deal, at least we were able to get it all done. You aren’t running late are you?”

Yuri shakes her head. “No I still have time to make it home before my dad starts to worry.” Yuri smiles sadly. “I was just hoping we would finish sooner is all.”

I check the time as well. Even if Yuri could stay later, Dad is almost off of work. There is no way I’m having her around when he gets here. Still I can relate, I wish there was more time as well. “I’ll go ahead and walk you out than.” Despite her protests I pick up the bag for her as we begin to exit the house.

We exit the front door and I hand Yuri her bag. She stands awkwardly for a moment before speaking. “Thank you for your help today, it was fun.”

I smile at her. “Anytime.”

Yuri smiles softly but still remains standing. After a few painful moments of silence she tells me goodbye and begins to walk home. I go to enter my house but stop just shy of opening the door. “Oh fuck it.” I whisper to myself. “Hold up Yuri!” I call out to her. She jumps before turning back around. I meet her on the sidewalk between Sayori and I’s house. She stands there silently before I gather the courage to speak. “It was fun today, it sucks you have to leave but you know we can do this again sometime.” I nervously scratch the back of my head. “If that’s okay with you of course.” Yuri stares at me for a moment before giggling to herself.

“I don’t think I have seen you embarrassed before.” Yuri says smiling. I laugh along with her. “Your usually upfront and direct with your words.” Yuri takes several steps closer until we are face to face for the second time today. “I have to admit it’s pretty endearing.” Yuri whispers softly.

After a brief moment of shock I smile at her. “Endearing she says.” I whisper back gaining a small giggle out of her. For the second time today I find my face inching closer towards her. And like last time Yuri steps back yet again, this time however she looks absolutely mortified.

“S-sayori?” Yuri says nervously, clearly embarrassed.

My eyes go wide as she says this. Oh no. I turn and see Sayori standing behind me. She awkwardly waves at us. “Hey you two…I was going to see if we could hang out. Home…” Sayori falls silent. “Home isn’t a good place right now.” Her smile is as fake as ever.

Yuri clears her throat, still blushing from her embarrassment. “I-I’m sorry S-Sayori, I was already o-on my way h-home.” Yuri stammers on her words.

Sayori smiles sadly. “Oh that’s too bad. I’ll see you tomorrow than.”

Yuri nods her head and after giving me one last glance she turns and hastily walks home. Even from here I can see the deep shade of crimson on her ears. She must be mortified. I turn to find Sayori hastily walking towards her house as well. God damnnit. I hurry to catch up to her, she tries to open her door but I close it shut, blocking her way in. The pained expression on her face is unbearable. “Sayori, why didn’t you come sooner?” I ask.

Sayori smiles sadly at me. “I didn’t want to ruin your day with Yuri, I thought I could handle being alone today. But my mind isn’t being very nice to me. The rainclouds won’t stop.” Sayori laughs humorlessly. “I decided to take you up on your offer, and yet…” Sayori chokes on her words. “Yet I ended up ruining your time with Yuri anyway.” Sayori tries to shove past me to go into her house but I stand firm.

“Sayori you didn’t ruin anything.” I try and comfort her but she isn’t having it.

“No I did, you don’t need to lie.” Sayori makes eye contact. Her fake smile is gone and is replace with an expression of pain and sadness. “I all but confirmed what the thoughts in my head have been telling me for years now.”

I stare at her puzzled. “What do you mean?” I ask. Sayori doesn’t respond and once again tries to shove past me. I hold steady and she finally lets up. “What do you mean?” I ask firmly.

“That you don’t need me to be happy. You never did, all I do is make you worry about me. You put my problems above yours and you deserve better.”

I shake my head. “Sayori that isn’t tru..”

“Don’t lie to me!” Sayori shouts. I am taken aback by her sudden outburst. “I know it’s the truth. It’s why you stopped hanging out with me for all of these years. So don’t lie.”

“Sayori that isn’t why I stopped.” I try and think of an excuse, some kind of lie. If I told her the real truth, it would break her.

“Then why? Why did you leave?” Sayori asks. She is on the verge of tears.

I try and make up an excuse. After several false starts I sigh. “I don’t know, people change when they get older you know? I don’t even know why I stopped, I just did.” I hope she takes the bait. She doesn’t.

“Kris, you have always been a bad liar.” Sayori shakes her head. “Please, I told you the truth, now it’s your turn.”

I let out a long sigh. I swallow the lump in my throat and tell her what I haven’t told anyone ever. “My dad’s an alcoholic. He constantly drinks and for the smallest of reasons yells at my mom and I. Especially at her.” I take a shaky breath and continue. “She is the kindest woman I know and he just walks all over her. It makes me sick.” I laugh humorlessly. “Hell he even hit her at one point, every chance he gets, he destroys all the happiness in our home. It’s hell, I can’t stand it. I thought I was able to hide it pretty well, but it seems you noticed. I hated home, I enjoyed our time together. I wish I never stopped hanging out with you.”

Sayori stays silent, she looks as if she is waiting for me to continue. “I’m sorry, I really am. But you still haven’t answered my question.” My throat tightens at that, I can’t tell her, but will it be worse if I don’t? What is the right answer? “You could have told me you know? Why did you shut me out? The truth, please don’t lie to me.”

I try and speak but no words come out. I clear my throat before continuing. “I-I cant. It was a dumb reason and I regret it every day.”

Sayori stands firm, her hands are shaking but I can see the determination in her eyes. “Please, just tell me, why? I need to know.” She is practically begging at this point.

Deep down I knew the sudden end to our friendship had hurt Sayori. Even though I had no idea about her depression, I knew she was devastated. She won’t back down, I have no choice. I swallow the lump in my throat and speak. “I- I was jealous. I hated how you had a good family, a good home, a good life. I hated how you were always in such a good mood.” My voice breaks a bit. This has been weighing on my conscious for a long time. I had always intended to tell Sayori the truth one day. But not like this, not after what she told me earlier. I take a breath to steady myself and continue. “I hated how infectious your cheerful personality was, because I knew that no matter how great of a day we had, it would mean nothing as soon as I got home.” I look away from her pained expression. It’s hard to see her this way. “It was stupid, it was in no way your fault and yet I somehow tried to focus my anger on you. I was stupid and selfish, and worst of all, I left you alone when you were dealing with your own demons. Please Sayori, I know it was messed up of me, but that was years ago. I regret that decision every day, I’m sorry.”

Sayori remains silent. I can see a few tears fall down her face. I put my hand on her shoulder to comfort her but she pushes it away. “I was right.” Sayori whispers almost to herself. “All this time I knew I was a burden, and yet here I am, forcing you to tell it to me directly. To have you confess something you clearly didn’t want to confess.” Sayori makes eye contact. Her once brilliant sapphire eyes are now dull. “Thank you, for telling me the truth, even if deep down I knew what it was.” Sayori tries to move past me but I once again stand firm.

“Come on Sayori, I’m sorry. You’re not a burden, I was stupid.”

Sayori shakes her head. “Please go away.”

“Sayori I…”

“GO AWAY!!” Sayori screams at the top of her lungs. Her breathing is rapid and the tears are flowing freely. Before I have time to move, she shoves me aside and slams her door shut, locking it from the inside.

I am left standing at her doorstep. I try and think of a way to speak to her, I doubt she would be okay with me just unlocking her door. I rub my face with my hands and try to suppress my temper. It doesn’t work. “God fucking damnit!” I exclaim as I punch her door. What have I done? I should have come up with something, anything but the truth. God knows she has enough on her plate and I just all but told her she was a burden to me. I really used to think that? Why was I such a jackass? I slowly walk back to my house, I ascend the stairs and plop into my desk chair. I had left my phone in my room, upon checking it I see a text from Yuri. _“Don’t forget the banner, and thank you for today. It was fun. I hope we can do this again sometime.”_ On any other day I would be thrilled by her message. But after what just happened. I feel nothing but regret. I should have cancelled. Sayori needed me. It’s clear her mind is against her and yet I let her convince me otherwise. Even if I wanted to spend time with Yuri, I should have helped Sayori. She needed me more, and I let her down. An unknown amount of time passes, I remain seated in my chair staring at nothing. Going over endless ways I could have done things differently. I glance out the window and notice the sun has already set. Sighing to myself I prepare for bed. I decide to text Sayori. _“I’m sorry Bun. I really am. Your still going to the festival tomorrow right?”_ I send the text and patiently await an answer. I get a reply back a few minutes later. _“Sure.”_ I sigh in relief. At least she is still going. _“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow than? We can walk to school in the morning.”_ I get a reply almost immediately. _“That probably isn’t a good idea, not right now anyway.”_ Her response pains me but I have to respect her wishes. It’s the least I can do. _“I understand, I’ll see you at the festival than.”_ I set my alarm and lay down to go to sleep. My phone goes off yet again, I check it to see that it is another message from Sayori. _“I’m sorry.”_ I smile sadly at the message. _“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”_ After sending the message I wait to see if she read it or not. After a few minutes it still says it was sent but not read. I wait a couple more minutes before sighing. She probably went to sleep already. She did have a rough day after all, thanks to me. I rub my face with my hands before laying back down. As I begin to lose consciousness a growing sense of anxiety starts to form. She will forgive me right? It will take time I’m sure. Nothing I can do about it right now though. I’ll try and make amends tomorrow. Yet for some unexplained reason this thought doesn’t ease my worries like it should. Still after such a long day my body gives in to exhaustion. I drift into an uneasy sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

_“Once I saw the light in your eyes_

_But nothing will be any longer the way I remember_

_I’ve become someone else and I can’t go back I tried_

_I’m lost in the fields of snow far from home.”_

It’s the morning of the festival, I wake up in my bed from a relatively restless sleep. Not to say I didn’t sleep mind you, yet for some reason I feel just as tired as last night. Shutting off my alarm I check the time, 6:00 A.M. Since there is preparations to do before the festival my morning routine kicks off a bit earlier than usual. To my surprise however I find that the heater is on, confused I look outside and find that dad’s car is still parked. I gently touch the window and find that it is significantly colder than usual, as picky as dad is about the heater, even he has his limits. I get up from bed and groggily make my way to the restroom to commence my morning routine. Upon returning to my room, I find a message from Yuri. _“Good morning, I hope you had a peaceful sleep. I just wanted to remind you about the banner, please don’t forget about it.”_ Smiling to myself I shoot a quick reply. _“Yes Ma’am.”_ I throw on my uniform and neatly roll up the banner. I descend down the stairs to find mom cooking breakfast as usual. “Good morning.” Mom replies with a surprisingly sweet smile.

“Morning mom” I reply, filling a mug with some freshly brewed coffee.

“Today is the festival right?”

I look up at mom. She is feeling talkative this morning, not that it’s a bad thing. I smile at her. “Yeah it is, should be a fun time.”

Mom smiles sweetly at me. “I’m glad you joined, it’s nice to see you out of the house and making new friends.”

Ah so that’s why she is so happy. It’s a simple thing to be happy about, but I would be lying if I wasn’t happy about it to. Though I owe Sayori the credit for getting me to join the club. Almost immediately my mind flashes to yesterday, a crippling sense of guilt weighs down on me. I really need to talk to her later today, just to set things right.

“Are you okay?” Mom asks in a concerned tone.

I jump in the chair, I hadn’t realized that I was lost in thought. I smile at her to ease her concern, no need to ruin the good mood. God knows we could use more mornings like this. “Yeah sorry, just not used to waking up this early is all. But yeah I’m glad I joined too.”

Mom simply smiles before washing out the coffee pot. After downing the rest of my coffee I give her a hug goodbye and slip into my coat. Stepping outside I am assaulted with a freezingly cold breeze. The snow season should be starting soon. Hands in pockets I walk down the sidewalk, only to stop in front of Sayori’s house. I sigh to myself. This is her favorite time of year, I hope she forgives me. I pull out my phone and check the message I sent her last night. To my surprise it is still labeled as sent not read. I furrow my brow in confusion, is she still asleep. I start to write her a text but stop myself midway. She made it clear that she didn’t want to talk with me right away, the last thing I want to do is put her in an even worse mood. Begrudgingly I put my phone back into my pocket and resume my daily commute. She will be fine, we can talk at the festival, like it or not she has no choice but to be around me there. I continue my walk while going over Sayori’s situation in my head. Maybe I should talk with her parents. I mean she made it clear that she doesn’t want them to know, but at the same time her mind is not in the right place. I hesitate to call her ill since that comes with a lot of baggage, but she needs professional help. I am not a professional by any means and while I don’t necessarily like the idea of going behind her back, if it’s for her own good than surely it’s the right thing to do. Unless it only makes things worse, god knows I already fucked up big time yesterday. I shake these thoughts from my head as the campus comes into view, that is a decision I’ll have to make later, right now I just have to give her time.

I open the clubroom door and find Monika placing the pamphlets she designed onto each desk. She looks up at me and smiles politely. She looks exhausted, not too surprising since she is the president and all. They tend to have more responsibilities than your average member. “Man you look exhausted.” I say with a grin on my face.

Monika gives me a death stare. “Well good morning to you too.” She replies sarcastically.

I let out a laugh. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“It’s fine and yeah your right. But that’s why God invented coffee.”

We both laugh as Monika places the last of the pamphlets. As I begin inspecting one of them, Monika begins to pull out her laptop. “What you up to?” I ask.

Monika lets out a sigh. “Well Sayori sent me her poem at like one in the morning, so I didn’t have time to print it out yesterday.” Monika rubs her temples in frustration. “I don’t know why she waited so long.”

I set down the pamphlet as a coldness spreads throughout my body. Monika doesn’t know about Sayori’s depression. While I’m still on the fence about telling Sayori’s parents, I definitely cant tell Monika until Sayori is ready. I simply shrug my shoulders. “At least she sent one in the first place.” I reply as I unroll the banner. Monika simply grunts in response as she continues to browse though her laptop. I pull out some tacks and place four in my mouth. I approach the front of the room and begin to pin the corners of the banner above the podium. I place two of the tacks in both the corners of the banner’s right side. As I’m doing this the gentle hum of the printer breaks the silence of the room. Once the right side is secured I move over to the left, when I reach for the tacks however they fall out of my mouth and roll across the floor. I sigh in frustration before calling out to Monika. “Hey Monika can you hand me a couple more tacks please?” She doesn’t respond, after a few moments I call out again. “Don’t tell me you fell asleep madam president.” I say in a sarcastic tone. Still nothing. I gently lay the banner down so that it doesn’t wrinkle and turn towards Monika. When I see her face I immediately become concerned. She is awfully pale and her eyes are wide. She is tightly gripping a sheet of paper. “Hey what’s wrong?” I ask approaching her cautiously. She looks up at me and back to the paper. Her mouth opens to speak but no words come out. She looks like she is in disbelief. What is she reading? “Hey Monika! What’s with you?” I ask again as my concern grows.

“T-this is the poem S-sayori sent me…” Monika trails off, her voice is barely above a whisper.

I walk towards her and take the poem from her hand. Monika looks at me with a worried expression. Nervously I begin to read the poem…and my blood freezes.

_Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get  
out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out  
of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my  
head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head.  
Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get  
out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out  
of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my  
head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head.  
Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get  
out of my head. Get out of my head._

_  
Get._

_  
Out._

_  
Of._

_  
My._

_  
Head._

_  
  
Get out of my head before I do what I know is best for you._

_  
Get out of my head before I listen to everything the voices said to me._

_  
Get out of my head before I show you how much I love you._

_  
Get out of my head before I finish writing this poem._

_  
  
But a poem is never actually finished._

_  
It just stops moving._

I can feel my hands shaking as I read the poem over and over again. I feel a freezing numbness come over my entire body. This poem sounds like a… Immediately I am snapped out of my daze. I turn the poem over and hastily begin writing on the back of it. Monika looks at me with great concern. “Kris, what the hell was that? What’s going on?” I ignore Monika as I quickly sketch down Sayori’s address. I hand the poem back to Monika.

“Call an ambulance and give them that address now!” I exclaim to Monika in a panicked tone. She looks at me confused.

“Surely she is pranking us right? Why are you certain it’s something bad.” Monika asks. She is clearly starting to panic. I grab her by the shoulders to snap her out of it.

“Monika please! Just do it.” Monika stares at me for a few moments before nodding her head. She pulls out her phone and begins to dial as I rush out of the classroom. If she called my name I certainly didn’t hear it. I almost run into Natsuki and Yuri who are startled by me running past them. I can hear Yuri call my name but I don’t stop. I just keep running. Several students give me curious glances as I sprint out of the campus and towards Sayori’s house.

I can hear my heartbeat through my ears. The cold December air is burning my lungs but I don’t let up in the slightest. Thankfully the crosswalk signal was already changed by the time I got there. I shove past the people walking as I increase my pace towards Sayori’s house. Her house finally appears in sight. I don’t see an ambulance anywhere, seems like I beat them here. I reach her front door and find that it’s locked. I bang on it, hoping she will answer. But she doesn’t. I quickly knock over the potted plant with the key under it and begin to unlock the door. My hands are shaking and I struggle to fit the key into the lock. Furious I punch the door and take some calming breaths. After a moment my hands steady and I unlock the door. The house is quiet like always and I quickly take in my surroundings. My gaze locks onto to an object on the stairs. I shut my eyes tightly and run up them without a second thought. Upon reaching Sayori’s door I almost trip over a pair of shoes that were placed neatly in front of her door. I take calming breaths before knocking. “Sayori!” I shout, pounding furiously on her door. “Wake up dummy.” I say in a half laughing, half panicked tone. There is no response. I take a breath in a vain attempt to settle my nerves….and gently open the door.

The room is silent, I can only hear my heartbeat through my ears. My breathing is slow and my legs begin to move on their own as I approach Sayori in the center of the room. I stop just in front of her and without a word, I gently caress her cheek. Sayori has always been a living heater. When we had sleepovers as kids, I would hate sleeping next to her because of the sheer amount of heat she put off. Every time I made physical contact with her, a sudden warmness would spread throughout my body. As my hand gently caresses her cheek, a sudden coldness spreads throughout my body. I gently lower my hand from Sayori’s hanging corpse. The reality of what has happened slowly begins to overwhelm me. The strange poem she sent, the letter addressed to her parents on the stairs, and her shoes gently placed in front of her door. I was able to deny all of these signs, in some vain hope that Sayori didn’t in fact kill herself. I stumble backwards before falling to my knees. So many emotions run through my mind at once. I open my mouth, whether I’m trying to scream or cry I will never know, the only sound that comes out is a pathetic whimper. I take a tight grip on my hair to try and suppress my emotions. It doesn’t work. I let out a long guttural yell, I scream until I am no longer able to do so. My breathing becomes rapid and my thoughts start racing. This isn’t real, this isn’t real, this isn’t real, this isn’t real! I slam my hands onto the floor and scream again. “WAKE UP GODDAMNIT!! THIS ISN”T REAL!! SHE WOULDN’T DO THIS GODDAMNIT!! WAKE UP!!!” I slam my fists again and again and again onto her floor. Defeated, I hopelessly look up at Sayori’s corpse and slump against the overturned desk chair. My eyes are locked onto her once brilliant sapphire eyes, they are now pale and lifeless. Her fair skin is white as snow. Her finger’s are covered in blood, I look at her neck and see numerous scratches around the area of her neck that is bound by the noose. As if she regretted the decision at the end, but couldn’t free herself. This whole time Sayori has been fighting alone. She has been alone and afraid. And that’s exactly how she died, alone and afraid. My whole body is numb, the sight of my best friend hanging is disturbing, and yet I can’t look away. My eyes are locked on to hers and my body refuses to move. Maybe this is my punishment? For killing her, I killed her, I killed her, I killed her, I killed her, I killed her. This thought repeats itself through my head over and over. She poured her heart out to me, and I did nothing. She was in a bad place mentally and yet I told her that she was a burden. She was sick and I did nothing to help her.

I remain on the floor for what seemed like an eternity. The sounds of sirens approaching cuts through the silence. I don’t react, I don’t even move. I remain where I am. The sounds of footsteps ascending the stairs pierce my ears and the door to Sayori’s room opens. The paramedic that opened the door stands in shock at the sight. His eyes fall to me, he quickly runs next to me and places his coat over me. He is saying something to me, but I don’t hear it. His words are falling upon deaf ears. He remains silent for a moment before helping me up. Another paramedic enters the room and the two begin talking. After they are done, the first one starts leading me out of Sayori’s house. My legs are weak as I slowly exit the house. My body is still numb and I am led to the back of the ambulance. The paramedic urges me to sit down and I wordlessly do so. He kneels in front of me, his eyes have a sympathetic look to them and he begins saying what I can only imagine to be words of comfort. But I don’t hear it, I don’t hear anything he says. As far as I know he could be blaming me, he wouldn’t be in the wrong. The paramedic sighs before placing a hand on my shoulder, he than proceeds to walk away. After a moment I can faintly hear my ringtone. I fumble for my phone and find a barrage of messages and missed calls. _“Is everything okay? Please tell me Sayori is alright! Why won’t you answer?”_ My phone begins ringing yet again but I can’t bring myself to answer it. I just simply stare at it. After a few more missed calls I wordlessly answer. It’s Monika, I can hear the other girls talking clearly so she must have it on speaker. “Thank god! Is everything okay? I called the ambulance. Is Sayori alright?” Monika asks. I try and speak but no words come out. I try again, nothing. I let out a sigh. They need to know. Pull it together. “Kris!” Monika exclaims in a panicked tone. “Is she okay?”

“N-no.” I reply hoarsely.

“The hell do you mean no!” Natsuki replies in an angry tone. “What’s going on damnit.”

“Natsuki please, there is no need to be angry.” Yuri is speaking this time. I can hear Natsuki groan before Monika speaks up.

“What do you mean no? what happened.”

For the first time since I arrived I can feel tears fall down my face. I try and say what happened but my sobs prevent me from doing so.

“P-please tell me she is okay?” Monika mutters. Judging by the tone of her voice she is already aware of the answer.

“S-she….s-s-she…” I swallow dryly and take a shaky breath. “She’s gone Monika, Sayori killed herself.” I force the words out. I lean back against the ambulance and try to keep it together. The girls stand in shock around Monika’s phone. Slowly the gravity of my words begins to hit them. I can hear the girls sobbing on the other end, helpless I curl up into a ball continue sobbing. I can hear the words my dad said to me even now whenever I would cry. I grit my teeth in anger. I try and suppress my sobs but I fail in doing so. I feel a hand grab my shoulder and pull me into a tight embrace. My mom’s worried face fills my vision.

“What’s going on?” she asks in a panic. At this point I can’t even speak, I just lean into her shoulder and sob uncontrollably. She asks again while gently stroking my back, but I still can’t answer. Her eyes land on the paramedics as they exit the house. They are guiding a stretcher out of the house, a body bag gently placed on top. My mother’s grip on me tightens as I look away from the body bag.

“I killed her.” I whisper softly.

My mom pulls my face up to look me in the eye. “What?” she asks. Her tear stained face looks at me with great concern.

“I said I killed her, I let her die.” I reply in between sobs. She gently pulls me back into her embrace and tries to comfort me. Telling me it isn’t true, it wasn’t my fault. She doesn’t know though, it is my fault. I killed my best friend.

After a while, she leads me back to the house. I wriggle my way out of her grip and ascend upstairs. Once I’m in my room I lock the door despite her protests. I collapse into my bed and grab my hair tightly. I killed her. This thought still circulates in my thoughts. My body is shaking uncontrollably as I continue to sob. The guilt I feel can not be described with words. My phone is still ringing, the message alerts are still going off. I grab and it and navigate my way to Sayori’s contact. The last message she ever sent me appears. _“I’m sorry.”_ She never looked at my response. She never looked at it because she had nothing else to say. Her last words to me, her best friend, her neighbor, her killer, were “I’m sorry”. Even at the end, she still felt the need to apologize for her actions. Even though it wasn’t her fault. I should have done more, I should have stayed with her, I should have told her parents. No, what I should have done was never leave her. Not yesterday, but six years ago. If I hadn’t abandoned her, she would still be alive. She would be happy, smiling, at this moment she would be up at the podium reciting her bittersweet poem. Her life was in my hands and I let her down. I always let everyone down, like always I sat back and did nothing when I was needed most. And it cost Sayori everything. I’ll never see her again, never hear her laugh, never see her smile, never feel her warmth. The cruel reality of the thought makes me want to vomit. I simply lean over my bed and dry heave. I lay back onto my bed and my body refuses to move. The numbness combined with my sorrow, guide me to a restless sleep, the first of many to come.


	9. Chapter 9

_“Follow the coast under the frozen sky_

_With a growing sorrow in weary eyes_

_Swallow the ghost of the lucid dream_

_And silent will be the mournful sea”_

I sit and watch in horror. I scream her name but my voice reverberates around me as if I’m in a box. I try and walk forward but something blocks my path, hopelessly I bang my fists against this invisible force as Sayori begins to stand on her desk chair. As she starts to fasten the noose around her neck, I look towards the other figure in the room. I can’t see them clearly, but they are sitting on her bed, looking to the side as if they don’t notice the tragedy about to unfold. “Do something!” I call out to the figure but once again my voice echoes around me. I ram my shoulder against the invisible force again and again, trying so desperately to break free. Sayori fastens the noose around her neck and after one final breath, steps off the desk chair. The chair’s wheels swivel out from under it and Sayori plummets towards the ground. Shortly afterwards she is jerked up by the rope and sways gently. After a horrifying moment her legs kick violently. Even though I’m trapped and no one can hear me, I can still hear her gasps for air as clear as day. She kicks her legs violently, Sayori tries to knock the chair back up with her feet, however due to her panicked state she only kicks it out of reach. In desperation she claws at the rope around her neck, deep scratches are made as blood begins to pour from the fresh scratch marks. I repeatedly ram my shoulder and begin kicking against this force holding me in place. As Sayori’s kicks start to slow she looks towards the figure in the corner. She tries to speak but no words come out. It’s almost like she is calling for help. Soon her body falls limp. Almost immediately afterwards I’m able to move. I rush towards Sayori’s body and free her from the noose. Like always however I am too late. I hear a gasp from the figure in the corner. Immediately he runs up and checks on Sayori as if he just now realized what happened. I grab him by his shirt and pin him against the mirror. “WHY? WHY DID YOU SIT BACK AND DO NOTHING! YOU COULD HAVE SAVED HER!!” I scream at the figure. He looks back at me, mirroring my stare, mirroring my eyes, mirroring my guilt. My reflection has no words to say, the anger I feel towards him escalates and with a cry of rage I punch my reflection with all of my strength. The mirror shatters and I’m left alone with my best friend’s cold body, and her murderer staring at his reflection in the broken mirror.

_January 6, 2019_

I wake up in a cold sweat, a sudden wave of nausea spreads over me as I rush towards the bathroom. Throwing the toilet seat up, I begin to dry heave as my body tries desperately to regurgitate the contents of my already empty stomach. The only thing that come up is bile, it’s horrid taste lingers in my mouth as I flush the toilet and shakily lean against the bathroom wall. I place my trembling hands on the sink and slowly raise myself up. The reflection in the mirror stares blankly at me. My skin is paler than usual, my eyes are red and puffy with bags forming under them, and I have lost a minor amount of weight. In other words I look like a corpse, the only thing missing is the noose. I wash out my mouth with water in a hopeless attempt to get the taste of bile out. I slowly return to my room and check the time. 5:23A.M. It’s been a week since Sayori’s suicide. The burial of her ashes is in a few hours. I rub my exhausted eyes, sleep is definitely out of the question yet again. Every night I have the same haunting dream. I watch her die every night. I slump against my bedroom door and simply stare at nothing. School is out for winter break, this was Sayori’s favorite time of year. She loved the snow so much, the thought that she will never see snow again sends a shiver down my spine. I still can’t believe she’s gone. Every time I close my eyes I desperately hope that it was all just a nightmare. That when I wake up she will be waiting outside for me, wearing that big goofy smile of hers, we would walk to school like normal, she would be skipping and humming as if she didn’t have a single care in the world. I laugh dryly to myself. Who am I kidding? That wasn’t the real Sayori, that was just a front, a mask to hide her despair from the ones she loved. She put others above herself and prioritized their happiness over her own. She tried her best with what she had and I somehow, for some reason, destroyed it. I crushed her happiness six years ago. I cut her deep when I ended our friendship, I sat back and did nothing as the wound festered and rotted. And what did I do when I finally decide to make amends? I reopened the wound again as if it never existed in the first place. I sat back and watched it rot from the inside and out. I ignored the signs, I let her convince me she was okay, even when she told me she wasn’t I still listened to her even though I knew damn well she was sick, I still left her alone. I confirmed her worst fear and like always, when I was needed by someone, when my actions could have prevented catastrophe, I simply sat back and did nothing. And now she’s dead and she will never come back.

Hours pass by before I finally decide to get ready. After trying to look slightly more presentable I simply give up and get dressed. Heading downstairs I see my mom making breakfast. She simply gives me a sad smile and pours me a cup of coffee. We eat in silence, well she eats I only manage a few bites before pushing my plate away. Hell I’m barely able to finish my coffee anymore. For the past couple of days, mom has been trying to figure out what happened from me. How did I know she killed herself, why I blamed myself for that sort of thing. While she has been patient with me, I still haven’t given her the reason or anyone for that matter. Not even Sayori’s parents. Since dad has the only car we are forced to take a bus to the funeral. The snow season is starting and while it hasn’t snowed just yet, dark grey clouds blot out the sun so it’s only a matter of time. We arrive at the funeral and join the crowd of family and loved ones. Among the hushed murmurs of the crowd I can make out bits of information being passed around. “…was always such a happy girl. …her parents must be devastated. ….wonder what would have driven someone so cheerful to… …Must have been bullied at school, teenagers can be cruel. …poor guy must have been scarred seeing her like that.” I tune out the crowd as I take in my surroundings. While I don’t recognize most of the people I can see Sayori’s parents near the front. I can’t see their faces but I can tell they are devastated. Sayori’s name is printed just under theirs on the family gravestone though her parents’ names are still red, signifying they are still alive. A parent’s worst fear is to bury their child. I swallow the lump in my throat and look around some more. I see Natsuki standing a few meters away, she is standing next to a well-groomed man who towers over her. Must be her father. From this distance I can see her try and keep her composure. She isn’t doing too well. I find Monika rather close to where I’m standing. Her eyes are red and puffy as expected, she notices my stare and smiles sadly at me. I simply look away. I eventually spot Yuri standing next to her father. She is nervously stroking her hair like usual though I can tell she is upset as well. I can see her gaze linger on me a few times. While all of the girls over the past week have tried to talk to me over text, none have tried as much as Yuri. I can’t bring myself to answer. What would I even say? Once the service is over the crowd begins to dissipate. Sayori’s mother approaches me and hugs me. My whole body goes stiff and I can feel my heart pounding. I don’t deserve her sympathy. She looks at me with a pained expression. Sayori got her eyes from her mother, it’s almost like I’m staring at Sayori herself. The thought haunts me.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Aimoto.” I say softly. My voice is flat and lifeless when it escapes my lips.

She hugs me tighter before taking a breath to calm herself. “Was there anything she said?” Mrs. Aimoto asks desperately. “You have known her for so long surely she must h-have…” She begins to break down as Mr. Aimoto gently embraces her.

I swallow nervously. I should tell them the truth, if anything I deserve the anger that would be directed at me, who am I kidding? If anything they would blame themselves. Any parent would, a parent is supposed to know their child better than anyone. These two are some of the most generous people on earth. They would probably comfort me, telling me I was put in a tough situation and I’m only a child. They would be devastated if they knew that their own daughter was suffering for years without them knowing. Who am I to twist the knife even further? No the knowledge of Sayori’s death is my burden, one that will haunt me forever. “I wish I knew, I really wish I knew.” I feel sick, like a knife is being wrenched into my gut. Mrs. Aimoto simply nods her head before hugging me again, Mr. Aimoto pats me on the shoulder as they begin to talk with mom. I see Monika make her way towards me. I take a breath for whatever she has in store.

“Hey.” Monika greets weakly.

“Hey.” I reply back. We stand in silence for a while before Monika sighs.

“This is probably a dumb question to ask but how are you holding up?” Monika asks.

I simply look at her before responding. “About as well as anyone is I suppose.”

Monika nods her head. “I should have done something.” I look at her as she says this. She looks me dead in the eye. “I saw something was wrong with her and I didn’t act upon it. She was my friend, I thought I was just overthinking things but still.” Monika tightens her fists in frustration as tears begin to form. I pat her on the back before replying.

“It wasn’t your fault, remember I noticed too. If anything it’s mine.” Monika looks at me puzzled. “I convinced you that she would be okay, if I had insisted on helping her, we both could’ve talked with her. Maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything.” I laugh humorlessly. “But now I will never know. So don’t blame yourself, the person at fault is standing right here.” Monika wipes the tears from her eyes and gently hugs me. I don’t return it, I don’t deserve any sympathy anyway. Natsuki and Yuri approach as Monika breaks the hug. Natsuki tries to speak but nothing really comes out. She isn’t one to express her emotions so I don’t blame her. Yuri noticeably fidgets, I can tell she wants to try and comfort me but she probably doesn’t know how. I let out a sigh before speaking. “I appreciate all of you trying to comfort me but I want to be alone. I don’t want the sympathy, we can talk when school starts up again.” I try and walk away but Yuri grabs my shoulder to try and stop me.

“We a-are all devastated by this, but I can’t imagine how this must h-have been for you.” The others nod in agreement. I can feel tears forming in my eyes. The anger that comes with them bubbles up as I shrug her hand off. “We are here for you, you know that right?” Yuri asks. She takes a step towards me but I turn my head to avoid eye contact. It’s perfectly normal to cry at a funeral and yet I’m still ashamed of it. Damn him.

“Just leave me alone.” I reply hoarsely. I walk away before the others can speak up. I find a tree to stand by away from the crowd and suppress the tears forming. My breathing is rapid as my anger boils to the surface. I swiftly punch the tree to take my mind off of things. The sudden pain in my hand distracts me from everything else. Just for a little while.

Mom and I arrive home shortly after the service. My phone goes off a few times but I don’t bother to check it. I simply ascend the stairs to my bedroom and lay down. Time slowly passes by as I hear the car door slam shut from outside followed quickly by the sound of the front door slamming shut. In no time a gentle knock sounds from my door and my mom opens it. “Dinners ready.” She quietly states. I merely sigh before getting up and following her downstairs.

We all sit at the table and eat in silence. Mom doesn’t try and make conversation, her and dad simply eat in silence. I stare at my food. I’m able to muster a couple of bites before pushing it away. I knew the consequences of this action as I feel dads drunken stare linger on me. “You not going to eat your food?” he asks in an annoyed tone. I see mom gently touch his arm to dissuade him from continuing but he shrugs it off. I simply sit in silence staring blankly at the table. “I asked you a question!” he exclaims in a louder tone. I look him in the eye before replying.

“Not hungry.”

He laughs before taking another drink. “oh okay sorry I asked than.” He replies in a sarcastic tone. If I had the energy I would be pissed right now, but I just don’t have the will anymore. “Let me tell you something, death is a sad thing but the world doesn’t stop turning when someone dies.” Mom again grabs his arm to stop him but he swats it away. This act sparks a bit of anger in me, combined with his words. “School is about to start again and I don’t want to hear any damn excuses about your grades falling you hear?” He locks me down in a drunken stare. I make eye contact before laughing. “Something funny?”

“You’re pathetic you know that?”

He stares at me in disbelief. “What?” he asks in an angry tone.

“I said your pathetic, a drunk like you has no room to lecture me about how the world works. You are not a role model so quit acting like one.” I reply in a deadly serious tone.

He rises from the chair and grabs me by the collar. “Who the fuck do you think you are talking to? Huh!” he shakes me as he yells in my face. I laugh some more, I don’t even know what I’m trying to accomplish at this point. Maybe I’m trying to punish myself? Or maybe I just don’t have the energy to hold my tongue. Whatever the reason it results in me being tossed to the floor. Mom gets between us to stop him but he shoves past her and undoes his belt. Instead of turning me over like I expected he simply whips me across the face with it. His belt has a large buckle on the center and it slams against the side of my face. I can feel a small cut where the metal pin that goes into the belt holes grazed my cheek. He tries to do it again but mom takes a firm grasp on his belt and rips it out of his hands. Enraged my father begins to yell. “This is what happens when you don’t discipline this little shit! Did you not hear the way he talked to me?” He walks to me and grabs me by the collar yet again. Our faces are inches apart as he speaks in a dangerously low tone. “You ever talk to me like that again, I will beat seven shades of shit out of you so help me God. You understand me?” I simply stare at him.

“Yes sir.”

He shoves me against the wall and stomps into the living room. I spare a glance at mom before putting away my plate. After I’m done I stop next to her. “I don’t know what possessed you to marry that pig.” I say to her in a low angry tone. She doesn’t respond and I simply laugh. “Right. Guess it doesn’t matter now does it? One big happy family.” I say in a sarcastic tone before going back upstairs. I flop down onto the bed. To this day I have no idea why my mom married him. Perhaps he was different at one point. But I have only known him as a drunk so I probably never know. Furious, I simply stare at the ceiling, school starts tomorrow and yet I dread going to sleep. The nightmares are waiting for me like always. I dread the club even more, what will it be like without Sayori? Naturally the club didn’t participate in the festival, this normally results in the club being disbanded, but due to the circumstances the school made an exception. Still though will it even be worth it without Sayori? I think about the other members, especially Yuri. While I really enjoy their company am I even willing to face them again. Sayori was there friend too, and I’m just her killer. I groan before setting my alarm. No point in delaying the inevitable. I stare at the ceiling and patiently wait for sleep to overtake me, and for the nightmares to torture my mind once again.

_January 7, 2019_

My alarm starts to go off on my nightstand. I slowly rise from the floor and shut it off. Another night of nightmares, another night of vomiting, and another day without Sayori. Breakfast was silent, mom didn’t even try to speak. The disgust and anger I felt last night is only amplified by my exhaustion, I don’t even try to comfort her. I wordlessly leave the house into the freezing air. I approach the spot Sayori would normally be waiting for me. Her absence is painful, I take a look at her house. Her parents cars are in the drive way. Can’t blame them, I wouldn’t want to go back to work either. The growing numbness in my hands deters me from standing here any longer than I need to, with a sigh I begin my daily commute.

I slowly walk through the halls towards my class. I can see students whispering when I walk by but I don’t pay any attention to what they say. I pass the seemingly endless number of classrooms before coming upon Sayori’s morning classroom. I take a peek inside, several students are already seated in their desks. Upon further inspection I see a lone desk in the back with a vase of flowers on top. With a sickening feeling forming in my body, I wordlessly walk to my classroom. I get a few curious stares from the others upon my arrival. Hell one or two even tried to talk to me, funny how people only seem to care when something bad happens. My cold tired stare quickly deters anyone else from trying. The day slowly marches on, the meaningless words of my teachers fall upon deaf ears. Soon the lunch bell rings. I slowly begin to gather my things and enter the congested hallway. By a force of habit I find myself idling next to the classroom Yuri eats in. I glance in the room and see her waiting, her novel is closed and she is nervously tapping her finger tips together. She is probably trying to psyche herself up in order to comfort me. I gently grab the door handle, yet I remain standing. Part of me wants to go in there, but I can’t bring myself to hear her sympathy. I don’t deserve it. I slowly release the handle and make my way towards the cafeteria. Yuri patiently waits in the classroom until the lunch bell rings.

The day finally draws to a close. Every now and then people would try and comfort me, at this point I’m beyond annoyed. As I exit the classroom I almost find myself walking towards the clubroom. I remain standing near the stairway. Wordlessly I turn around and leave campus. As I slowly make my way home, the other members are waiting patiently for me to show up. The normally cheerful atmosphere of the club is absent. Natsuki is sitting in a desk, her head is down on the desk top. Yuri sits quietly in the corner, she is nervously tapping her fingers together. On occasion she pulls out her phone to check for any messages, perhaps an excuse for my tardiness. Like all the other times she’s checked, there’s nothing. Monika sits with a sad smile on her face, she didn’t expect me to show up on the first day back, this thought doesn’t make her feel any better though. Monika gets up and tries to start some form of activity. Natsuki simply sighs in frustration before laying her head back down on the desk, and Yuri fidgets. She is clearly torn, nervously she checks her phone yet again. Monika simply sighs before ending the meeting. As the others exit the room, Monika stares at Sayori’s desk. Her doodles on the desk’s surface a haunting reminder of her death. With a heavy sense of guilt, Monika wordlessly exits the clubroom.

Dinner was quiet, I can feel my dad’s stare on me, daring me to give him an excuse. I don’t give him the satisfaction. After washing my plate, I wordlessly ascend the stairs to my bedroom. As I lay on my bed, I begin going through my phone. A few messages are still left unread. I decide to open them. The most recent one was from Monika. _“Take all the time you need, we will be here when you are ready to come back.”_ I simply stare at the message before exiting the conversation. I see a message from Yuri. _“if you need to talk, I’m here”_ I let out a sigh before setting my phone on the nightstand. Setting an alarm, I lay in silence staring at the ceiling. Dreading the thought of going to sleep again.

Even though I know it won’t work, I still find myself performing CPR on Sayori’s body. With all of my strength I perform chest compressions, trying desperately to keep her alive, even though she is already dead. Defeated I slump against the overturned desk chair. I look at my reflection sobbing in the corner. My useless reflection, the one who sat back and let her die. I laugh. Like I’m any better. I’m the part that gives a damn, the part of me that could have saved her, yet whenever I’m needed, I’m always absent. No matter how hard I try, I am always too late. I sit curled in a ball waiting for something to happen, for the nightmare to just end already. “Wait up.” A hoarse voice breaks through the silence. I feel my heart skip a beat before looking up. I’m standing outside on the sidewalk. The room is gone along with my reflection. I’m standing in my uniform as if I’m walking to school. I hear the voice call again and turn around. I see an annoyingly cheerful girl walking towards me. Her hands are waving in the air to get my attention, but the rope and scratch marks on her neck catch my eye. That person is my friend Sayori, she used to be my best friend until I decided one day that she was a burden. After years of silence we finally rekindled our friendship. I even joined her club even though I didn’t truly want to. After a few weeks I had all but forgotten about her while I spent more and more time with her friends. To top it all off I killed her, I left her alone and did nothing as she took her own life. Yet somehow she is approaching me still, her lifeless sapphire eyes lock me in an uneasy trance. Her sickly pale skin almost shines in the sunlight. Why is she here? Why am I here? She finally catches up to me, her lifeless eyes meet mine but her previous cheerful attitude has vanished. I find myself backing away from her. A pained expression spreads across her face, she steps towards me. “Please don’t leave again.” She pleads, the scratch marks still oozing blood. Her bloody hand is reaching out towards me but I take even more steps back. Sweat is pouring down my face as I begin to panic. Tears begin to form in her dull sapphire eyes. “I promise I won’t be a burden anymore. Just please, I can’t do this anymore. I need help, I’m sick.” She falls to her knees in desperation.

I swallow before replying. “I’m sorry bun, I was too late.” I can feel tears falling down my face.

She looks at me in horror. “W-what do you mean, I’m still h-here.” She whimpers. I kneel down next to her, my bright blue stare matching her lifeless gaze. I gently caress her cheek, a coldness creeps through my body upon contact. She sighs in satisfaction upon my touch. “So warm, I’m so cold, no matter what I do I can’t get warm.” She grabs my hand with her own and presses it against her face. “Why won’t you help me?” She whispers sadly.

I try and look away from her eyes but my body refuses to move. I let out a sigh. “Your dead Sayori, I let you die. There’s nothing I can do anymore.” I choke on my words as Sayori looks at me in horror.

“What? What are you talking about?” She asks in disbelief. “Don’t say things like that, your scaring me.” Her voice breaks at the end, she tries to take a breath but no air makes it through her throat. She looks down at her hands and feels her cold body. Slowly she looks at me in shock. “That can’t be. No your wrong, YOUR WRONG!” Sayori screams in disbelief. She gets up off the ground and starts pacing. I try and approach her but she refuses to get near me. She looks me in the eye. Her dull lifeless eyes send chills down my spine. “Why?” she asks hoarsely. “Why didn’t you save me?”

I wake up screaming as my door flies open. The light suddenly turning on blinds me for a few moments. I can feel hands grabbing me. For a haunting moment I thought it was Sayori’s hands, but as my eyes adjust I see my mother’s worried face staring at me. I can feel the tears forming in my eyes. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” She says in a soothing voice. As I get my bearings I stand up out of her grip and move away. She reaches towards me to try and comfort me but I knock her hand away.

“Don’t get near me.” I reply, trying desperately to stifle my sobs. She approaches again but I scream at her. “DON’T LOOK AT ME!” I scream, hiding my tear stained face from her view. Reluctantly she exits the bedroom as I slowly sink to the floor. I curl into a ball and continue sobbing. I’m exhausted and my body wants to rest. I can feel my eye’s start to close but I stand up to stop myself. I can’t go to sleep, not tonight. I plop into my desk chair and rub my tired face. All the while the image of Sayori’s corpse begging me for help is still burned into my mind.


	10. Chapter 10

_“Am I the only one awake?_

_Am I the one who is fading away?_

_There was so much I wanted to say,_

_Do I have a reason anymore to stay?”_

The next week came and went like a dream. I feel like I’m being dragged along a current. My actions are not my own, my thoughts are incoherent, I simply let myself be swept away by this current. I avoid the club room like a plaque, the thought of being there without Sayori is too much to bear. Every day the same thing happens. I wake up from a restless sleep, I pretend to pay attention in class as my teacher’s words enter one ear and exit out the other, I stare at the stairway to the third floor, some part of me unaffected by the current yearns to see the others, yet I always turn away and head home, every chance I get I press my dad’s buttons often resulting in a violent response. Every day for the past week has been the same, and I just can’t bring myself to give a damn. My phone will still ring on occasion, the other members every now and then will try and talk to me, but I simply ignore their messages. The weekend is here and I find myself sitting in my room, I scroll through my Xbox dashboard countless times, knowing that there is nothing that will take my mind off of anything, just the simple act of endlessly searching keeps my mind busy as the hours tick away.

A knock on the front door jolts Lisa out of her thoughts. “Strange, who could that be?” She asks aloud. Confused, she makes her way to the front door and answers it. Outside a girl about her son’s age stands timidly. She has long black hair that flows all the way down her back. She is nervously stroking her hair, she looks unsure on what to say. “H-hello, my name is Y-yuri, I’m part of the club your son is in.” Yuri stammers nervously on her words. She takes a calming breath before speaking up. “I-I was just wondering if Kris was home? We haven’t seen him all week, so…” Yuri trails off, clearly she is pretty shy around others.

Lisa smiles sadly at Yuri. “I’m sorry Yuri, he isn’t feeling too well today. I can tell him that you came by.”

Yuri smiles sadly. “That would be good, thank you.” Yuri turns to leave but stops midway. She turns back towards Lisa. “A-actually could you tell h-him something for me?”

Lisa smiles politely. “Of course.”

Yuri timidly strokes her hair, after a few false starts she lets out a sigh. “Tell him that we want him to come back. We’re worried about him, he hasn’t been the same since…” Yuri trails off but her gaze falls onto Sayori’s house next door. “We miss her as well, but with the both of them gone, it’s just not the same anymore.” Yuri’s blush deepens, she gives a polite bow and turns away from the house. Lisa remains standing in the doorway as Yuri walks down the sidewalk. The cold air eventually forces her back into the house. Lisa looks at the stairs. After a moment she begins to ascend them to her son’s room.

I switch off my Xbox and lay in my bed. The silence in the room is deafening. I stare blankly at the ceiling. After a while I hear a knock from my door. “What is it?” I call out. My mom enters the room shortly afterwards, she gently closes the door behind her before taking a seat on my desk chair. We sit in silence for a bit, after a while I sit up and look at her. “What?”

Mom takes a breath before speaking. “Yuri just came by. She wanted to know when you’re coming back.”

I’m taken by surprise. Yuri came by? I guess I’m not too surprised, out of all of the other members, she has texted me the most. I rub my face in frustration. “I don’t know if I’m going back.” I get up and slowly begin to exit the room. I don’t want to have this conversation, I walk into the bathroom hoping it will deter my mom from continuing this conversation. I groan in annoyance as my mom follows me in.

“And why not? They’re worried about you, I’m worried about you.”

I roll my eyes at her. “There’s nothing to be worried about, I just don’t want to go back anymore the only reason I even joined was because…” I trail off, the simple act of saying her name makes me sick. My mom waits for me to continue but my silence tells her everything she needs to know.

“I know it won’t be the same without Sayori.” I visibly flinch when she says her name. She places her hand on my shoulder to try and comfort me. “But we both know she wouldn’t want you to be like this.”

I shrug her hand off of my shoulder. “It doesn’t matter what she would want, she’s gone.”

Mom gives me a worried look. “You don’t actually mean that.”

“What do you know?” I turn towards her in anger. “You have no idea what it was like to find her… hanging lifelessly.” I choke a bit on my words but manage to keep my composure. “To see your best friend’s lifeless body.” I shake my head to rid the image from my thoughts. “So no, I can’t go back. Even if I do, the only thing I will notice is her absence. The only thoughts in my head will be how the club is different without her. So don’t tell me what I need to do and what she would want because it doesn’t matter. In the end she’s still dead, and nothing will change that.” I take a step away from her to try and keep my composure, though it’s getting harder by the second. The silence hangs in the air, I hear mom take a breath before speaking.

“Your friends are upset too, they loved her just as much as you did. Yuri wanted to tell you that they miss her, but most of all they miss you. That with both of you gone, things just aren’t the same.” Mom grabs my shoulders and looks me dead in the eye. Her determined expression takes me by surprise. Mom has never been an assertive person. Years of emotional abuse will do that, so the fact that she is asserting herself this way shows how serious she is. “Fine than, don’t do this for Sayori, you’re right she’s gone, but your friends are still here, you’re still here.” Her voice begins to break as tears form in her eyes. “I want you back, the real you. Have you seen yourself lately?” She then turns me around to look in the mirror. My reflection shows my mom’s concerned eyes and worst of all it shows me, or rather what I have become. I look like a zombie, I feel like a zombie. I stare at my reflection as I go over mom and Yuri’s words in my head. They are truly worried about me, would they be this worried if they knew what I knew? That I was the one that killed her? These past couple of weeks I have been punishing myself, yet somehow the only people that seem to be affected by it are others. I knew the other members missed me but still how can they expect me to come back? How are they able to come back after everything that has happened? Mom waits patiently as I think this over. Her worried gaze fills me with sorrow, she was happy about me joining the club as well. I take a breath. “Okay, I’ll go.” I whisper softly.

I see mom smile before hugging me, she softly cries as I stare blankly at my reflection. Can I even go back? Will that truly make things better? Will these nightmares end? I let out a sigh before returning her embrace. I have to try at least. If not for my sake, at least for the others, for Yuri, for mom. It’s not like I have anything to lose at this point, I doubt I can feel any worse than I do now. I break the hug before giving my mom a weak albeit genuine smile. “Thanks mom.” She returns my smile and hugs me again before going downstairs. I walk back to my room and shut the door, while my I’m still uneasy about all of this, I can’t help but feel a bit of excitement. I truly did miss everybody. Part of me wants to text Yuri, to thank her for coming by and let her know I will be coming by the club. But I decide to keep it a surprise. Even though I know that nightmares await me, I still feel a small tinge of excitement for tomorrow. It’s small but present.

My alarm cuts through the silence of the early morning. I get up from my desk chair and shut it off. As expected I’m awake before my alarm. The nightmares still haven’t gone away but sadly enough I’m beginning to grow accustomed to them. I no longer have to vomit every morning. Still though my lack of sleep is taking its toll. As I perform my usual morning routine I take notice of the bags under my eyes. My appearance in general, particularly my weight make me a bit self-conscious. I’m forced to tighten my belt more than ever before and my blazer is noticeably bigger on me than before. Sighing to myself I descend downstairs for breakfast. Mom doesn’t say anything but she gives me a warm smile before serving scrambled eggs and coffee. I scarf down the eggs and my empty stomach practically cheers. When was the last time I’ve eaten? Oddly enough I can’t remember, no wonder I look like a skeleton. After finishing my morning coffee I hug mom goodbye and step out into the snowy neighborhood. I begin my walk towards the campus, every step results in the crunch of snow. The snow has been rather light this year, nothing too serious to cancel school. Still though, enough has fallen to blanket all of the houses and yards. This combined with the sight of Sayori’s house fills me with both nostalgia and dread. I avert my eyes from her house, afraid if I stare too long I will change my mind about today. I focus my gaze straight ahead and make my way towards the campus.

The day ends relatively quickly. As the hours ticked on by I found myself becoming more and more anxious. I have no idea what will happen when I show up, but fearing that I will have second thoughts, I try and focus on the teachers monotonous lecture. Once the final bell rings, I quickly pack my things without a second thought and proceed upstairs. As I walk down the hallway on the third floor, my anxiety begins to return. I reach the clubroom door and discretely look through the window. Yuri is sitting in her usual spot in the corner, her book is closed and she is blankly staring out the window. Even from here I can tell she is upset. I look for the others and surprisingly find Natsuki at a desk. Normally she retreats to the closet to read her manga since Monika likes to tease her about it, all in good fun of course. Lastly I see Monika sitting in the front, she is tapping her pen against a paper, clearly she is in deep thought. I glance around some more. Part of me wonders what Sayori would be doing right now if she was here, I quickly suppress the thought. My hand grabs the door handle but I hesitate to open it. Part of me knows it isn’t too late to turn back, but the talk mom and I had yesterday fills me with enough determination to open the door.

I quietly enter the room and shut the door behind me. Everyone’s heads perk up upon me entering. I stand awkwardly as everyone stares in both disbelief and relief. Yuri almost stands out of her desk but I see her eyes widen in concern. The others have similar expressions, no doubt it’s because of my appearance. Still though I manage a smile before speaking. “Sorry I’m late traffic was a nightmare.” I put on my usual dry sarcasm to try and alleviate the tension. Monika smiles sincerely before speaking.

“It’s good to have you back Kris, we missed you.”

I return her smile before turning towards Natsuki. Her gaze moves up and down my body. “You look like shit.” The other girls call out Natsuki’s name in anger but they are interrupted by my laughter.

“I missed you too Nat, I was worried you were going to be nice to me.”

Natsuki laughs as well. “Yeah no thanks, I’ll stick to what I’m good at.” She glances at me again before speaking in a quieter tone. “Still though it’s good to have you back.” It’s a rare sight to see Natsuki being nice, if only I recorded that. I turn towards Yuri who is nervously stroking her hair. I give her a smile and she timidly returns it. she doesn’t say anything else however. Clearly she wasn’t expecting me to come back, none of them were.

“Well Kris we don’t have anything planned today so just make yourself comfortable.” She gives me another polite smile. “And welcome back.” I simply nod and return the smile before taking a seat next to Yuri.

The mood in the room is much brighter than it was when I first walked in. Natsuki begins walking to the closet, she slugs me in the arm while walking past getting a laugh out of me. Yuri and I sit in silence. I try and wait to see if she is going to say anything but after a bit I speak up. “So I heard you came by my house yesterday.” Yuri noticeably jumps when I speak. She becomes a bit flustered.

“I’m s-sorry for coming unannounced, w-we were just worried about you. Y-you haven’t been replying to our m-messages, so I…” Yuri trails off, I hadn’t realized how much I missed her timid nature.

“Relax Yuri, if anything I wanted to thank you. If you hadn’t come by…” I trail off a bit. Yuri stares at me curiously. Would I have ever come back if she hadn’t come by yesterday? I always assumed I would eventually get over Sayori’s death but judging at my current physical condition I probably wouldn’t have ever came back. I smile at Yuri. “Just thank you, for coming by. It won’t be easy but I want to try and get things back to normal.” 

Yuri smiles sadly at me. “It was no problem.” Yuri lets out a sad sigh. “It’s been…rough these past couple of days. Honestly I wasn’t too sure if the club would ever go back to normal.” Yuri looks me in the eye and smiles sincerely. “But now that you’re back, maybe things can start going back to normal.”

I try and give Yuri a reassuring smile but her words fill me with a sense of dread. I wish it were that easy, but things may never be back to the way they were. Not without Sayori. At least not for me anyway. Yuri snaps her fingers breaking me out of my train of thought. “Are you okay?” She asks. I hadn’t realized I spaced out again. Perhaps it’s the lack of sleep that makes my thoughts wonder. I give her a halfhearted smile. “Yeah, I just haven’t been sleeping too well lately.”

Yuri nods her head in agreement. I can feel her stare as she examines my physical condition. Here gaze lingers on my blazer, how it is now a size too big. She looks me in the eyes in concern. “You haven’t been eating.” Yuri says in a hushed accusing tone.

I let out a sigh. “I wasn’t in a good place for a while, I’m getting better so don’t worry.” I smile at her to try and ease her worries. Naturally it doesn’t work. Her concerned expression never leaves her face but at the very least she isn’t being too pushy. We sit in an awkward silence before I remember the book we were reading before…well before the festival. “Oh by the way, we still need to finish Metro.” I proceed to dig in my bag and grab the novel in question. While Yuri still looks worried she noticeably perks up upon me bringing out the book.

“I had almost forgotten about it, it’s been a while.” Yuri smiles sincerely as she moves her desk against mine to get a better view. I flip to the marked page where we last left off and we continue the novel. I was admittedly nervous about showing Yuri this novel. I only heard about it because of the popular game series based on the books. Thankfully Yuri seems to really enjoy the book and is surprised to hear that video games can tell a well thought out story in a very unique setting. We reach a good stopping point as the club meeting is nearing its end. “It’s really impressive how he was able to capture the nature of humanity.”

I look at Yuri curiously. “What do you mean by that?”

Yuri smiles before continuing. This was another thing that I missed, Yuri’s passionate way of speaking when it comes to literature. “Well think about it, humanity was basically forced to live underground after the bombs fell. Resources are severely limited and the radiation from the bombs created several apex predators that keep humanity on its toes. You would think that they would stick together in such a dire situation. Yet for some reason they still splinter off into their own factions. Each one with its own culture and unfortunately many of them are corrupt.” Yuri smiles at the cover. “I honestly thought it would be a cliché post-apocalyptic action novel but in reality it’s a statement on humanity’s stubbornness. Even when we are backed in a corner, fighting creatures of nightmares and scavenging just to survive, we still refuse to unite. It’s tragic sure, but at the same time it’s the truth.” Yuri snaps out of her trance she usually goes in when discussing literature. I smile at her. “I mean sure there’s that, but it’s also a good action novel as well.” Yuri and I laugh. Our point of views are polar opposites but at the very least we both enjoy each other’s company. My doubts from earlier are pretty much forgotten, thankfully nobody was too pushy on my condition. It’s nice to know that while yes, they do indeed worry about me, they at the very least know when to ease off.

Monika stands up to get everyone’s attention. “Okay everyone, it’s about time to go. I’ll see all of you tomorrow.” Monika’s gaze lands on me, I simply smile and nod my head to answer her unasked question. She smiles back in confirmation and begins packing her things.

I begin to pack my things shortly afterwards. As I stand up and begin following Natsuki and Monika out of the room, my gaze lands on the desk closest to the door. The doodles and familiar handwriting stop me in my tracks. I inspect the various drawings made on Sayori’s old desk. They are mostly just pointless doodles, nothing too significant but still the fact that the school will most likely replace it once they find out it’s been vandalized sends a chill down my spine. Right now it’s the only piece of Sayori left in the clubroom, everything else died with her. I feel a hand gently touch my shoulder, snapping me out of my train of thought for the second time today. Yuri is looking at me concerned. I feel tears going down my face and immediately turn away to compose myself. I’m not surprised, I knew it wouldn’t be easy coming back. Still though my hardwired conditioning forces me to avoid making eye contact with Yuri until I can compose myself. She takes a step towards me but I put my hand up to stop her. “Just give me a second.” I say quietly. She silently obeys as I take calming breaths all the while keeping my back to her. I clear my throat to keep my voice steady. “Is there something you need?” I ask in an even tone.

Yuri noticeably fidgets, unsure on what to say. “Are you okay?”

I bite back the angry response that first came to mind. I take a calming breath. “Yeah, I’m fine don’t worry about me.” Yuri remains standing as I finally compose myself fully. The fact she hasn’t left yet has me curious. “Did you need something else?” I ask.

Yuri noticeably blushes before stammering. “I-I was originally going to a-ask you i-if… you wanted to w-walk home.” Yuri quickly stammers an excuse. “B-but I understand i-if you don’t feel u-up to it. I just thought…” Yuri trails off. “you didn’t need to walk alone is all.” Yuri says, her voice barely above a whisper.

I smile at Yuri, her timid nature is too much at times. Still though how could I say no to that? On top of that she at the very least keeps my mind off of things. For a little while anyway. “I would like that Yuri.”

Yuri looks up in surprise. “A-are you sure? Y-you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I-I’m not trying to pressure y-you or anything… You’re laughing at me.” Yuri says in a hurt tone. I catch my breath before responding. “Yuri, you worry too much. I said yes didn’t I?” I give her a hurt expression. “Don’t tell me you were just trying to be nice, you’re not already backing out on me are you?”

Yuri blush deepens. “N-no I would never…” She stops midsentence when she notices my grin. “You were messing me weren’t you?” she asked in an accusing tone.

I give her a devilish grin. “Guilty as charged. Now let’s get a move on, we’re burning daylight.” Yuri smiles to herself as she begins to exit the room. I spare one last look at the desk before repressing my despair. Keep the mask on nice and tight, no need to burden anyone else. Isn’t that right Bun? I gently close the door and exit the campus with Yuri.

While it’s a slight detour to Yuri’s house from mine, it went by relatively quickly. At first Yuri struggled to make conversation, like always social skills are not her specialty. So I quickly guide the subject to potential novels we can read. Immediately Yuri latches on to the subject and speaks for most of the walk. “…the entire genre focuses on how reality as we know it is just a thin shell of the truth. That there are horrors so far beyond our comprehension that just gazing at them would shatter anybody’s sanity.” Yuri looks up at the approaching house. “Well this is my stop. Thank you for walking with me.”

I give Yuri a polite smile. “ Anytime.”

Yuri smiles before turning to walk towards her house. I call out her name and stop her. She stares at me quizzically. “I just wanted to thank you again. For everything.” I take a steadying breath. “I won’t lie to you, I wasn’t sure if I was ever coming back. I also wanted to apologize.”

Yuri furrows her brow. “For what?”

I look down in shame before responding. “For ignoring you, all of you really. All of you were just trying to help and I kept ignoring you.” I make eye contact and smile at her. “But despite that, you didn’t give up on me, I wanted to be left alone but you didn’t back down. So thank you, today was the most fun I had in… a while.”

Yuri stares for a moment before embracing me tightly. It takes me off guard for a moment but I return the hug. Her voice is muffled on my blazer as she speaks. “I was afraid you weren’t going to come back.” Her grip tightens. “It was hard, hard for all of us. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been, or still is for you.” I don’t respond. I swallow the lump forming in my throat. I wasn’t expecting this kind of reaction.

“Yeah, it still is, but thanks to you, it’s a little better.” I release my grip on Yuri and she reluctantly follows suit. She quickly wipes the tears away from her eyes. I give her a polite smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow Yuri.” Yuri smiles as her face becomes even more flushed. She turns and walks to her house as I begin the walk back to mine.

My heart is pounding, I’ve seen this dream a dozen times now and yet it still breaks me. The sound of the chair falling over, the sound of the rope tightening before the sudden gasps for air begin. The sound of panic, of desperation. Followed by silence, a deathly silence that pierces me to my core. Yet this time something is off. My reflection is oddly quiet. He weeps silently in the corner but unlike before he doesn’t check on Sayori. I approach him and wave my hand in front of his face. He looks at me, or rather looks past me and cowers in fear. I hear the gasping sounds right on the back of my neck. It sends a chill down my spine as I slowly face Sayori’s corpse. Like before her pale lifeless eyes pierce my very soul and lock me into place. Unlike before however, she is staring at me with an accusing tone. She begins to speak in her hoarse voice. “I was right.”

I can’t look away from her gaze, I swallow the lump in my throat and answer. “R-right about w-what?”

Sayori smiles sadly. Tears stream down her face as freely as the blood from the scratch marks on her neck. They mix together on the way down and stain her clothes. My heart is pounding but no matter how hard I struggle I can’t break free from her trance. “If Yuri asked you to walk home with her, would you do it?” Sayori’s corpse didn’t speak but the words were planted into my mind. Her voice wasn’t hoarse, I quickly remember the conversation we had before her death. How that same question was asked of me. How I dodged answering it, because deep down I knew the truth would have hurt her. “You said you valued our walks, that you enjoyed our time together.” Sayori’s corpse’s voice begins to break. “Why did you lie?”

“I-I didn’t lie!” I can feel the tears falling down my face. Instinct tells me to turn away or at the very least blink them out of my vision, but my eyes won’t even do that.

“You said I was a burden. That was the truth you kept from me.” Sayori looks me in the eye. “You said you didn’t know the answer. That was a lie as well, the answer was yes.” Sayori looks away, her hoarse sobs are painful to hear. “It’s okay though, I understand. The burden is gone so now you don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings anymore.” I hang my head in shame and sob. I don’t even notice the dream is over, I simply look up from my hands and find myself in my room. As if I never left. The nauseous feeling washes over me, but I hold it back with all of my effort. Eventually it passes and I let out the breath I was holding. Even though the dream is over, I can still feel the chills on my neck where Sayori breathed down it, I can still hear her hoarse sobs. And most haunting of all, when I close my eyes, I can still see her face in front of mine. Staring, accusing, crying, I curl in a ball and try to keep my breathing under control. Yet no matter how hard I try, the nightmare is still burned into my mind, deterring me from getting anymore sleep for the night.


	11. Chapter 11

_“I've been thinking lots about my life and_

  
_How quick I'd wash it down the drain_

  
_Past tense the future, nothing matters now_

  
_I act on my own and I'm to blame_

  
_Living's a wicked dream, where things turn out all wrong_

  
_We're all so weak, no matter how strong, yeah”_

February 19, 2019

Seven weeks, seven weeks ago my life was changed forever. I had killed my best friend, I had lied to her family and friends about what really happened, I had chosen to ignore my friends to avoid the consequences of my action, or rather my inaction. Worst of all though, by letting myself waste away in sorrow and pity, I had only hurt everyone around me even more. They wanted nothing more than to comfort me, help me move past this tragedy so things could go back to the way they were. A month ago I went back to the club, I was greeted with warm smiles and discreet but noticeable stares of concern. With my return things soon went back to normal at the club, everyone was slowly beginning to move on and things should be better. But things aren’t better, not even close. See the thing about lying is, the more you commit to the lie, the more likely people will accept it as the truth. My physical health upon returning to the club was pitiful and my once outgoing sarcasm was dull and dry. The girls, Mom, Yuri, nobody would stop worrying if my condition didn’t improve. I forced myself to eat and was able to gain back most of the weight I had lost over time, when I enter the club room, I will put on a smile and often give sarcastic remarks and just goof off in general, all to turn my lie into truth. While eating and forcing a smile is easy enough, and hell maybe over time it will just become second nature, the one thing I can’t hide, the one thing I can’t get rid of no matter how much I try are the nightmares. The constant exhaustion I feel every day is the one thing I still can’t explain away. Even so the weight gain and cheerful attitude are enough to convince everyone that I’m fine on most days. No matter how bad the nightmares get I can’t let the pain show. Things are going good and I can’t stand the thought of burdening the others, not again, not after everyone is so happy.

I rub my tired eyes as I sit in silence. The tear streaks on my face are slowly drying as the gentle hum of the heater gently breaks the silence of the night. These nightmares won’t stop. Some nights they are tolerable, some nights I wake up and have to suppress my urge to vomit, thankfully this is one of the easier nights. I refuse to go back to sleep, the nightmares serve as an effective deterrent. I simply sit in silence alone with my thoughts. It’s funny really, part of me believes that Sayori is haunting me. Punishing me for my incompetence, but I know that’s a ridiculous thought, still though the other possibility is a scary one, some nights I feel like I’m going insane. That killing my best friend and finding her corpse broke me mentally. What if these nightmares never go away? It’s been weeks and yet they persist no matter what time of day it is, no matter what mood I’m in when I go to bed. I could have a great day and not even think about Sayori in the slightest, and yet whenever I go to sleep, she still haunts my dreams. It’s like my mind is slowly torturing me, making sure I never forget my sin. Not that I could ever forget it. I check my phone and find I still have two more hours before I’m supposed to “wake up”. Groaning in frustration I begin mindlessly browsing through my phone. While I dread my nights, at least I have something to look forward to during the day. It’s Friday, and I have a few plans to try and get my mind off of these nightmares as much as possible. Of course that will have to wait until the club meeting.

Slowly but surely the sun peaks over the horizon and I begin my daily routine. The school day is rather boring like usual and doesn’t help my exhaustion in the slightest. Still though the consequences of me failing a class are too high for me to sleep the day away. The final bell rings and I rapidly make my way towards the club room.

I’m greeted by the usual sight when I walk in, Natsuki is in the closet, Monika is sitting in the front writing, and Yuri is sitting in her usual spot waiting patiently for my arrival. Just another day. I make my way towards Yuri, avoiding the desk closest to the door like it’s cursed. I take a seat next to Yuri. “How’s it going Yuri?”

Yuri smiles sincerely. “It’s going good, how was your day?” Yuri asks in her trademark formal way of speaking.

I shrug my shoulders in indifference. “Boring, uneventful, a waste of time, so you know nothing new.”

Yuri chuckles slightly. “You know you say that every time I ask about your day.”

“Almost like it’s the truth.”

“Surely there is something about school you enjoy?”

I gently stroke my chin in thought. “Well I do like when it’s over.” Yuri rolls her eyes at me. “But that’s because it’s time to come here and see you.” I smile and laugh as Yuri begins to blush, honestly it’s just too easy sometimes to get that kind of reaction. Not that I mind. “Watch those cheeks Yuri, you don’t want to burst into flames do you?” This forces a small giggle out of Yuri but the crimson shade in her face only deepens.

“Well I’m glad to hear that I can make your days more enjoyable.” Yuri says.

I smile at her. “More than you know.” Yuri timidly looks away but I can still see the smallest of smiles on her face. The one thing that has made coming back possible is Yuri. While Monika and Natsuki are great friends to have, Yuri is something else. To say that we are growing close is an understatement. While we were already pretty close before the festival…well certain events put a damper on that. Yuri takes my mind off of the nightmares, my exhaustion, and even Sayori. It pains me that I have to lie to her about my wellness, even though the others rarely ask about how I’m doing, Yuri will ask on a regular basis. Sometimes she’s just asking to be polite but at times I can’t shake the feeling that she is seeing through my façade. That the mask I’m putting on has cracks and she is the only one perceptive enough to see them. While it’s a comforting feeling to have someone care enough to notice somethings wrong, it’s something she doesn’t need to worry about. As far as she knows, I’m perfectly happy. And I plan to keep it that way.

Yuri and I make small talk for a couple of minutes before Monika addresses the club. “Okay everyone, if we could move some desks in a circle we can begin our activity for the week.” After Monika’s address Natsuki exits the closet with a foil wrapped tray that house her heavenly cupcakes. My mouth hangs open as she walks past. Her glare quickly deters me from doing anything reckless. Yuri gets up and gracefully enters the closet to fetch the electric kettle to make tea. I begin helping Monika with the desks. A few weeks ago Monika decided to have us share our readings once a week with each other. Honestly it’s probably the most formal the club has ever been before. The arrangement of the desks and the presence of Natsuki’s baking and Yuri’s tea brings back memories of my first day here. Almost everything is just how I remembered it, almost everything. I suppress the thought in my head, no point in ruining the day for everyone else. The room becomes enraptured by the strong aroma of Oolong tea. Natsuki begins to describe her manga to Monika and I. While Monika likes to tease Natsuki every now and then about it, it’s all in good fun. Not to mention seeing Natsuki get overly defensive and flustered will never get old. “…Whatever you say Monika, you’re missing out. Manga is the shit.” Natsuki says in a frustrated tone.

“I second that.” I reply with a mouthful of cupcake. This earns me a solid punch in the arm from Natsuki.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full.” Natsuki scolds. I mockingly salute her getting a chuckle out of the others. As the tea begins to boil Monika turns to me.

“So have you read anything interesting this week?”

Feeling Natsuki’s glare I swallow the remains of the cupcake before replying. “Well Yuri and I started The Dark Tower series the other day, it’s pretty interesting so far.” Monika goes to speak but is interrupted by Natsuki’s retort.

“Geez, do you two always read the same thing?”

Yuri becomes a bit flustered but I just laugh it off. “Aww, it’s okay Nat. if your feeling left out, I can read with you too.” I reply in an over the top sympathetic tone.

Natsuki rolls her eyes in disgust. “Like I would let you handle my Manga.” I stick my tongue out at her in childlike defiance. “But in all seriousness I don’t know how you two are able to read from the same book together, that seems like a chore.”

As Yuri begins to pour some tea for everyone she speaks up in a quiet voice. “I-it’s actually an insightful e-experience to read with someone. T-they may have a different take or reaction t-to the book and it c-creates a more dynamic discussion than simply reading separately.” Yuri says, her voice wavering on occasion, the crimson in her cheeks ever noticeable.

Natsuki smiles deviously. “Huh, I always assumed it was an excuse to snuggle next to him.” Yuri noticeably jumps and tries to stammer a response but her words are incoherent. At first her nervousness was minor but I can see her breathing start to accelerate. It’s minor but still it’s enough for me to try and steer the conversation away.

“Anyway, the series is about a man named Ronald Deschain, the last living member of a an order of warriors called the gunslingers…”

I begin to give a brief synopsis of the novel to the others. Monika gives me her full attention and even Natsuki starts to pay attention. I guess the unique setting of the series piqued her interest a bit. I glance towards Yuri every now and then. She still seems flustered though I can tell she is trying to suppress her anxiety. I finish my monologue and Monika begins to describe her book. I try and pay attention but my eyes keep landing on Yuri. She still hasn’t calmed down? Yuri is noticeably fidgeting in her seat, she is stroking her hair nervously like she always does but I can see the faintest of tremors in her hands. Yuri makes eye contact with me for a split second but her gaze keeps darting in multiple directions, as if she doesn’t want to maintain eye contact. I want to ask her if anything is wrong but Yuri doesn’t handle social situations very well and I fear that calling her out in front of the others will only make things worse. All it took was a bit of teasing from Natsuki to set her off, surely she knows Natsuki was just teasing her right? Yuri suddenly stands up. “I need to use the restroom!” Yuri exclaims in a loud voice, as if she is trying to talk over a crowd.

“Uhh yeah go ahead Yuri.” Monika lightly laughs at Yuri’s sudden outburst but as she exits the room I can see a look of concern spread across her face. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who thought her behavior was odd. Monika clears her throat and resumes her monologue. At this point I don’t even try and pay attention. One thing I still can’t figure out about Yuri is the way she begins to panic for seemingly no reason. It’s clear to me that she may have some form of anxiety or something like that, yet whenever I bring it up she simply denies anything of the sort. It doesn’t happen often enough to warrant too much concern but when it does she almost always leaves the room for a good while. Does she simply need to be in a quiet place alone to calm down? I have yet to figure out an answer. She probably needs some time to calm down. When she comes back I’ll have to ask her again, maybe she will open up a bit? I shake the thoughts out of my head and begin to give Monika my full attention.

It wasn’t long before Monika finished her synopsis. With the weekly discussion over, everyone begins to pack up and leave. As I begin to pack my things I notice Yuri’s bag is still on her desk. I glance at my phone and realize she has been gone for around twenty minutes. Natsuki is already out the door but Monika stops just shy of exiting. “Something wrong Kris?” Monika asks.

“Yuri’s bag is still here, come to think of it she hasn’t come back yet.”

Monika furrows her brow in confusion. “You’re right she hasn’t. Maybe she forgot her bag?”

“Yeah, maybe.” I reply knowing full well she would never. Her books are in there and knowing Yuri she wouldn’t dare leave them here. Still though if I’m going to talk with Yuri I have a feeling I need to catch her alone. “I can text her and see if she went home or is still in the bathroom. I’ll lock up on the way out.” I say hoping Monika agrees.

“Are you sure? I can wait for her if you want.” Monika asks politely.

I shake my head. “It’s no big deal, you go on ahead, she probably just left without grabbing her bag. She doesn’t live to far away from my house anyway so it’s no trouble.”

Monika stares for a moment before nodding her head. “Alright if you say so. Please don’t forget to lock up, the custodians will get angry otherwise.” Monika and I laugh as she hands me the key and waves goodbye.

Once Monika is gone I pull out my phone and send a text to Yuri. “Where did you go?” I hit send and I immediately hear a muffled message tone come from Yuri’s bag. I open it and find her phone is inside. Okay she definitely hasn’t left yet. She couldn’t possibly be in the bathroom for this long? I feel a sense of unease spread through my body. The same feeling I had seven weeks ago, nervously I grab Yuri’s bag and exit the room locking it behind me. I head towards the girls restroom on the third floor. Once I reach it I knock on the door. “Yuri, it’s me. You left your bag in the clubroom. Everybody went home already.” I wait for a reply but nothing happens. I knock louder this time. Still no answer. Nervously I open the bathroom door, a quick look shows me that no one is inside. Confused I exit the bathroom and begin to walk down the hallway. Maybe she really did forget her stuff? I guess I’ll have to take her bag to her house. As I make my way down the hallway I notice one of the art classroom doors is slightly ajar. Weird, there are no other clubs on this floor. Maybe it’s a custodian? I peek inside the door and to my surprise find Yuri sitting on the floor. I enter the classroom and call her name. “Yuri?” My sudden appearance makes Yuri jump on her feet. She accidently bumps into the easel on her left, knocking it onto the floor. “Fuck!” Yuri exclaims in anger. Almost immediately her anger dissipates and she stands rigid with her hands behind her back in an awkwardly formal pose. We both stand in silence for a few moments before I stand the easel back up. Yuri’s breathing is rapid like before and her eyes are darting around the room nervously. “Are you alright?” I ask in a concerned voice.

Yuri nods her head quickly. “Y-yeah I’m f-fine.” Yuri takes a shaky breath to try and calm her quivering voice. “You just startled me is all.”

Yuri’s behavior has me suspicious. She said she had to use the restroom, so why is she in here? “I thought you had to go to the bathroom?”

Yuri stares for a moment before replying. “I did, I realized however that I left something in here during my art class so I was looking for it.” Yuri smiles before continuing. “I’m sorry if I worried you, I assume the club meeting ended already?”

I nod my head. “Yeah you left your stuff in there so I grabbed it for you.” I shrug off Yuri’s bag and hand it to her. She goes to reach for it with her left hand but hesitates. She than reaches with her right hand instead and goes to grab it. Before she is able however I gently grab her arm. “You’re bleeding!” I exclaim in concern. Her sleeve is stained with fresh blood.

Yuri pulls her arm away and smiles nervously. “I must have scraped it on the easel, don’t worry though i-I’m fine.” Yuri stammers nervously. She remains standing with her left hand still behind her back.

“Stay right there.” I go towards the teachers desk and pull out the first aid kit in one of the drawers. I make my way back to Yuri and encourage her to extend her arm.

“R-really it’s not bad.” Yuri begins to stammer nervously.

“Don’t worry Yuri, believe it or not I had to patch up a fair share of cuts in my day.” It’s true Sayori was always getting herself hurt when we were kids, and I was the one that always had to patch her up. I beckon Yuri once again to hand me her arm. She remains standing as stiff as ever. Her left arm is still behind her back. I glance at her right arm and notice the bloodstain has grown in size. I go to ask Yuri again but fall silent as a sudden realization hits me. “Yuri, why is your arm bleeding?”

Yuri stares at me with a confused expression. “I m-must have cut it on the easel, you saw m-me knock it o-over.” Yuri laughs nervously. I make eye contact before sighing.

“Yuri, you hit the easel with your left arm, not your right.” Yuri’s eyes widen, she shakes her head to deny my accusation but ultimately no words come out. Her left arm remains behind her back. The feeling of unease I had felt before is stronger than ever. The very air in the room is tense, something is very wrong. “Yuri what are you hiding behind your back.” I ask in a quiet, even tone. Yuri refuses to make eye contact. “Yuri. Please show me what you have in your hand.” I ask in a gentle tone. Yuri stands very still but slowly begins to extend her left arm. She opens her fist and shows me a very familiar object. A pristine knife, tinted in a light blue hue with wave patterns engraved onto its immaculate handle. Fresh bloodstains are present on the knifes handle where the blade is safely concealed. I gently take the knife out of her hands and place it on a nearby easel. The tension in the room is suffocating. Yuri nervously looks around at everything but me. My thoughts are racing, surely she isn’t suicidal like Sayori was? I don’t know if I could handle that again. Wordlessly I urge Yuri to show me her arm. Defeated, Yuri complies and lets me roll up her blood stained sleeve. I shudder at the sight, three large horizontal cuts are oozing blood, while they aren’t particularly deep, it’s still a painful sight. My gaze falls on the many, and I mean many, scars on her arm. All along her forearm are several scars of various sizes. Some are jagged and uneven but as my eyes go over her numerous scars I begin to notice how they begin to even out. The cuts are perfectly horizontal and spaced close to each other. As if the person was slowly improving their cuts. I look Yuri in the eye, I can see tears threatening to form but other than that her face is expressionless. I wordlessly lead Yuri to a nearby sink and begin to wash the blood off of her arm. I open the first aid kit and gently dab at the cuts with some gauze. Once the bleeding stops I gently begin to bandage her cuts. In no time her wounds are neatly wrapped, Yuri slowly unrolls her sleeve as I lean against the counter. We stand in an awkward silence for what feels like an eternity before Yuri finally speaks.

“Aren’t you going to yell at me? Tell me how much of a freak I am for doing this?” Yuri asks in a quiet tone.

I shake my head. “No I don’t think you’re a freak.”

Yuri looks at me skeptically. “You don’t have to lie to me, it’s what anyone would think in this situation.”

“Well I’m not just anyone.” I let out a sigh and rub my face. “Yuri I would be lying if I said that what your doing isn’t wrong, but after what happened with Sayori, I know that you’re are doing this to yourself for a reason.” Yuri looks away but I grab her shoulders and force her to make eye contact. “I don’t know what is making you do this, but I can’t sit back and ignore this, I already lost someone dear to me, I ignored the signs and I regret it every day.” I take a shaky breath to suppress the emotions kept under lock and key. “I don’t know if I could handle losing someone else. Not again.” Yuri remains silent for a moment, she shakes her head and breaks free from my grip.

“I-I’m not suicidal, y-you have nothing to worry about.” Yuri tries to walk towards the exit but I block her path.

“Maybe you aren’t, but you can’t possibly tell me that there is nothing to worry about. Yuri all it takes is one fuck up, one cut that goes in too deep and that’s it. You honestly expect me to just ignore this?”

Yuri puts her head down in shame. “I would prefer that yes.” She looks me in the eye. “But something tells me that you won’t do that.”

I smile at her. “Not a chance.” Yuri sighs, her hand gently caresses her left forearm. “I’m going to assume the left arm is in the same condition?” Yuri wordlessly nods her head. I rub the back of my neck before letting out a sigh. “I guess my question for you is why? What makes you do this to yourself?”

Yuri strokes her hair and closes her eyes, going over what to say. I wait patiently for her to gather her thoughts. My heart is racing, I can’t believe I’m in this kind of situation yet again. If I fuck this up…no that train of thought won’t help me in the slightest. I have no idea what makes Yuri do this, I don’t even know if she’ll tell me the truth. The only thing I know is that I won’t let her down like I did to you bun. I don’t know if I could live with myself. Yuri opens her eyes, after a few false starts she finally finds her voice. “Remember that day I told you that I had a hard time understanding people?” I nod my head. “You probably already know this but I tend to…overthink things. For whatever reason my mind always goes to the worst case scenario over the tiniest of things. I guess you could call it anxiety, I’m not sure what it is.” Yuri closes her eyes again, she takes deep breaths to try and calm herself. When she opens her eyes, tears are starting to form. “I-I don’t know why it happens but I just begin to panic over the littlest things, it could be triggered by someone teasing me, someone complimenting me, hell even over something as minor as spilling paint.” My mind immediately goes back to the day before the festival, how Yuri looked like she was going to hyperventilate over spilling some paint. The way she was sweating bullets and would refuse to take her jacket off. Once again the signs were there and I was too ignorant to notice them. “It feels like I’m having a heart attack. My heart begins racing, my breathing becomes rapid and my hands shake uncontrollably. The worst thing of all though are my thoughts, they begin racing, I can’t concentrate it’s like I’m being pulled in a hundred different directions and I just…” Yuri falls silent and begins to shake her head. “I tried everything, meditation, aromatherapy, nothing worked.” Yuri blushes a bit before continuing. “I was reading a book one day, it was about a man who had anxiety, he drank, did drugs, and they worked for a time, but eventually they stopped working. One day he got so angry that he smashed a bottle of liquor against the counter. The glass cut up his hand and forearm, yet as he began to wash off the blood he realized something. His breathing was normal, his heart rate was normal, his thoughts were no longer racing.” Yuri swallows nervously. “I know it’s just a story and I remember laughing to myself, thinking how preposterous it was, that self-harm was a viable method. Yet as time went on my mind just kept going back to that damn book.” Yuri’s voice breaks a bit as tears begin to fall down her face. “So i-I just tried it, for curiosity sakes. A-and it worked, it f-fucking worked.” Yuri embraces me and cries into my blazer. I gently stroke her back in a soothing gesture. She begins to speak, her voice muffled but still audible against my tear stained blazer. “i-I would be lying i-if I said I didn’t enjoy i-it, it’s the only thing that clears m-my mind. Nothing else works. I-I’m sorry. Even if someone like you begged m-me to stop, I don’t know i-if I could do it.” Yuri falls silent. She simply clings to me for dear life and sobs. I remain silent, once again I find myself in the same scenario as before with Sayori. While it’s a bit different, the fact remains. If I don’t get this right, Yuri could really hurt herself. Yuri’s sobs die down but she still embraces me. Her silence thankfully gives me enough time to formulate my thoughts into words. I think back to the day before the festival, when Yuri and I made the decorations. She was having an attack than, but there is no way she was able to cut herself without me noticing. Sure she may have had a panic attack but she was able to calm down afterwards. She doesn’t need to cut herself, she just doesn’t know that yet. I gently break our embrace and look Yuri dead in the eye.

“Yuri, I know it’s hard, but you already showed me that you don’t need to hurt yourself.” Yuri stares at me in confusion. “You remember that day before the festival, when we were making the decorations?”

Yuri smiles slightly. “Of course, it was a great day.”

I smile back. “Yeah it was, but you were having one of those panic attacks, when you spilled the paint.” Yuri thinks for a moment but nods her head signaling she remembers. “And yet I know for a fact you didn’t cut yourself. I don’t know what you did, but you were able to overcome the urge that day and I know you are strong enough to do it again.”

Yuri stares for a moment. “The only reason I didn’t do it than was because I was ashamed. I didn’t want to ruin the day for us.” Yuri laughs dryly. “It didn’t work either, I went home and did it anyway.”

“But that doesn’t change the fact that you were able to resist. You may think that it’s the only thing that calms you down but you’re wrong.” I grab Yuri by the shoulders again. “You’re strong, stronger than you think. And like you said you tend to overthink things. You convinced yourself that this is the only way but it’s not. Please Yuri, I want you to at the very least try. I can’t sit back and let you hurt yourself.”

Yuri closes her eyes in thought. I find myself wondering if I should tell her parents, though would they even believe me? I don’t know them like Sayori’s parents. Besides if I betray Yuri’s trust, than who knows what would happen. What’s the right answer? Yuri opens her eyes and shakes her head. “It won’t work you know. I tried already and nothing worked. I can’t see this being any different.”

“Well you tried to break the habit on your own, it’s hard to get yourself out of a bad situation when you’re the one responsible. Take it from me, you helped me get out of my situation and I’m dedicated to get you out of yours.”

“This is different. I have been doing this for…longer than I care to admit. You can’t possibly expect to break me out of a habit that I’ve been doing for years.” Yuri stares me down, hoping that her words will deter me from trying.

“I never said it was going to be easy. It won’t be, you will fail every now and then, you’ll think you can’t do it. And when you do, I’ll be there to help you back up.” I smile at Yuri. “You may not see this habit as life threatening. But you said it yourself before.”

Yuri stares at me curiously. “Said what before?”

“That there are people who don’t realize that they are being consumed by their habits, day by day, slowly but surely, until one day they run out of bread to slice.”

It takes Yuri a moment to remember her poem she wrote. About the racoon. She tries to retort but ultimately no words come out. She sighs in defeat and nods her head. “It won’t work.” She looks at me and gives a weak smile. “But for you, I’ll at the very least try.” She embraces me once again. I let out a sigh of relief, we remain standing for a few moments before breaking the hug. Yuri wipes her eyes and grabs her bag. “I don’t know about you but I think I’m ready to go home.”

I smile at her. “Mind if I walk you home?”

“I was hoping you would say that.” Yuri giggles before exiting the art room with me following suit. The walk to Yuri’s house is quiet but not in an awkward way. It was a long day for the both of us and the silence of the February evening is calming. The sun is already beginning to set, it’s dying light casting the buildings and trees in its amber glow. We reach Yuri’s house and she hugs me once again. I tell her goodnight and begin to make my way back home. After dinner I enter my room and collapse onto my bed. I groan softly into the pillow. While I still have my doubts about my decision, I’m determined to ensure Yuri’s safety. I already let Sayori down, I can’t repeat my mistake. I set my alarm as a growing sense of anxiety takes over my body. Another day gone and it’s time to sleep. What fresh hell awaits me. My nervousness keeps me awake for a little while but my exhaustion combined with the day’s events cause me to lose consciousness.

“You really think you can help her?” I can feel her breath on my ear, I refuse to look Sayori’s way but she steps into my field of vision. I find myself unable to look away yet again. “Don’t you already have enough blood on your hands?” Sayori’s pale blue gaze sends chills down my spine. I swallow nervously and speak.

“This time is different.”

“Different?” Sayori laughs hoarsely. “You sat back and watched me die, and yet you think after just three months you can do things differently?”

I nod my head in defiance. “I let you down bun, nothing I can say will ever change that, but I won’t let anything happen to Yuri, I can’t let anything happen to her. I still haven’t gotten over losing you.”

Sayori stares at me. “Yet you are doing the exact same thing as before, you won’t tell anyone about Yuri’s problem. She needs help and you won’t give it to her.” Sayori gets right in my face, I can smell her old perfume on her, mixed in with the smell of rotting flesh. Her icy breath pricks at my skin like a thousand needles.

“If I betray her trust, it will only make things worse. She trusted me enough to tell me about her condition. I can’t break that trust.”

Sayori laughs humorlessly. “She trusted you? Or maybe she had to tell you because you forced her. You caught her in the act and wouldn’t leave her alone. You twisted her arm and forced her to confess her darkest secret.” Sayori’s head tilts in curiosity. The sight combined with the noose still wrapped around her neck make me want to vomit. “Is that what you call trust?”

I close my eyes and speak to both Sayori and myself. “I won’t let her down. I have to try.”

There is no response, the silence encourages me to open my eyes, thinking that the nightmare ended. I’m greeted by the sight of Sayori’s tear stained face. “You’ll fail, just like you failed me.”

I shoot up out of my bed, I’m drenched in sweat and can taste bile in the back of my throat. I close my eyes and focus on breathing to repress the urge to vomit. I can still smell the scent of perfume and rotting flesh. Once the nausea subsides I get up out of bed and plop into my desk chair. I rub my tired eyes in frustration. “I want it to stop.” I bang my fist into the desk. “I JUST WANT IT TO FUCKING STOP!!” I yell in frustration punching my desk even harder. I grip my hair tightly to try and calm myself. I feel tears going down my face and I shut my eyes tightly to suppress that as well. I laugh humorlessly. Maybe I am going insane. Whatever is wrong with me though doesn’t matter. What matters is that Yuri needs help. Not just my help but professional help. She won’t immediately agree, but maybe I can convince her over time. That will have to wait, for now though I just have to be there for her, at both her high and low points.

  
  



	12. Chapter 12

_“I tried running away from me_

_Convince me that I’ve grown, but I can’t_

_Change so unnaturally_

_Demons they follow me”_

_February 26, 2019_

My alarm cuts through the silence of the early morning. I slowly begin to rise from my desk chair and stumble towards the nightstand. Once the alarm is silenced I flop onto my bed in exhaustion. Every movement, every blink takes its toll on me. I have never felt so exhausted in my life. Like water to stone, I’m being slowly eroded away by the never ending nightmares. Most nights I average around four hours of sleep, and that is considered a good night. There have been some nights where I don’t get any sleep at all, I simply sit in silence fearing the torture that is waiting for me in my dreams. As much as I want to just lay down and never wake up again, I force myself onto my feet and groggily begin my morning routine. As I fix up my tie in the bathroom, the shell of my former self stares at me through pale and lifeless eyes. I splash water on my face in a hopeless attempt to wake myself up. The cool, refreshing sensation spreads across my skin but it’s effects are minimal at best. Sighing in annoyance I gather my things and descend the stairs for breakfast. Mom is waiting in the kitchen, the strong aroma of freshly brewed coffee overwhelms my senses and she fills me a cup without saying a word. As I drink my coffee in silence I can feel her stare, Mom is undoubtedly concerned about my exhaustion. She has questioned me about it on multiple occasions but I simply deflect her concerns. Either she has given up or doesn’t want to push me too far. Not that it matters, it’s not like she will be able to help me anyways. I’m not sure anyone can. After breakfast I hug her goodbye and exit the house.

The cold February air greets me as I begin my daily commute to school. While the cold air is refreshing I still find myself stumbling every now and then. I grit my teeth and focus on walking in a straight line, reaching the campus at a snail’s pace. The first bell rings just as I enter the classroom, while the teacher gives me a slightly annoyed expression, the fact that I was technically on time deters him from making a scene. I trudge to my desk and practically collapse in it. As the teacher begins his lecture I can feel the gaze of a few students, if I had the energy I would try and put on my mask but today I’m just too exhausted to even try. Even so, no one asks if everything is okay so no effort was wasted on my part at least. Though I was able to stay conscious for all of first period, the subsequent periods begin to blend together. I find myself dozing off constantly, at one point I sat down at the beginning of fourth period and the next thing I knew it was already over. If I truly slept through the entire period then you would think I would feel a bit more refreshed. The lunch bell rings and I slowly gather my things and make my way down the cluttered hallway. I shake my head and rub my face to get my bearings. Recently I began eating lunch with Yuri again, while it’s easy to fool a bunch of faceless students who don’t matter, it’s a lot harder to hide my exhaustion from Yuri. On top of that her well-being is more important than mine anyway. It’s been a week since the incident in the art room, and while her behavior has been relatively normal since then, I still worry about her. We don’t talk much about her scars, and she has only had to talk to me once this week about an urge she had. Thankfully it was only a minor urge but either way the last thing I need is for her to start worrying about me, or worse have her think my exhaustion is because of her. I reach the classroom door and take a deep breath before entering.

Yuri’s warm smile greets me as I take a seat next to her. It’s quickly replaced by a look of concern. So much for keeping it hidden, is it really that noticeable? “Are you feeling alright?” Yuri asks. I smile at her and begin to unpack my lunch for the day.

“Yeah I’m fine, I started watching a new show last night and I probably stayed up later than I should have.” I sheepishly laugh and smile at Yuri trying desperately to sell the lie that I’m fine. While she still seems skeptical, she ultimately returns the smile. This isn’t the first time I’ve come to school exhausted and I can only keep making excuses for so long before somebody catches on. “What about you, feeling okay today?”

Yuri nods her head. “So far yes I’ve been feeling alright today.” Yuri laughs a bit. “You know you don’t have to ask everyday if I’m feeling okay. We agreed that I would talk to you if I wasn’t alright.”

I stare at Yuri for a moment before laughing. “I could say the same thing too you know? You constantly ask me if I’m okay.”

Yuri strokes her hair nervously. “Well, it’s because I worry.”

“And I worry as well, so at the very least we can both agree that we worry a bit too much.”

Yuri smiles slightly. “Fair enough I suppose.” I smile back at her and notice her hand gently caressing her forearm. The image of her scars flash in my mind and I suppress the shudder that flows through my body. It’s still hard to believe that just under her sleeve lie numerous scars. It’s a startling contrast from Yuri’s otherwise flawless skin. I gently take her forearm and unroll the sleeve, the numerous scars greet me as I gently touch one of them. “You haven’t had any urges lately?” I ask in a hushed voice. Yuri fidgets a bit before replying. “A couple of times last night, not that a-anything happened of course!” Yuri quickly stammers out. Her gaze falls down to her arm, she begins to speak as her hand slowly traces the most recent cut from a week ago. “It was just one of those nights, where everything was both alright and horribly wrong all at the same time.”

I look Yuri in the eye, though her gaze never leaves her forearm. “You could have called me, like I said if you need an ear to listen too, you can talk to me doesn’t matter what time of day it is.”

Yuri blushes a bit before replying. “If that were the case I would be on the phone with you 24/7.”

I smile at Yuri. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Yuri’s blush deepens and she looks away timidly. I softly laugh at her timid nature. “In all seriousness Yuri, if you don’t talk to me when these urges happen then I can’t help you.” Yuri makes eye contact out of the corner of her eye but remains silent. I let out a sigh and shift in my chair. “We agreed on this, you said you would try remember?” Yuri nods her head in affirmation. “Okay, then if that’s the case you need to talk with me, I want to help you Yuri, but I can’t if you won’t let me.” Yuri remains silent for a while, it seems like she is going over my words in her head, I patiently wait for her to formulate her thoughts into words. I don’t know if it’s from my exhaustion or not but I can almost hear the words Sayori said to me last week. _“Or maybe she had to tell you because you forced her. You caught her in the act and wouldn't leave her alone. You twisted her arm and forced her to confess her darkest secret."_ I clench my fist under the desk and repress the memory. The idea that I am forcing Yuri to do this has crossed my mind a number of times. And while it may be true that I’m doing just that, it’s all to protect her. If I simply do nothing and she ends up hurting herself then how would I be able to live with myself? Yuri lets out a sigh which snaps me out of my train of thought. “You’re right, I just don’t want to burden you anymore than I already am.”

I let out a sigh. It’s one thing to try and help Yuri get over her habit but it’s another thing entirely to convince her that she isn’t a burden. I gently place my hand on Yuri’s shoulder. “You’re not a burden Yuri, you just think you are.” Yuri stares for a moment, her trademark blush deepens in color. She gives me a genuine smile and goes to speak but is interrupted by the lunch bell. We stare at each other for a short moment and simultaneously look at our untouched lunches. “Well shit, I was looking forward to that.”

Yuri lets out a disappointed sigh. “Me too.” We both make eye contact and start laughing. I quickly pack my stuff away before any students begin to enter the classroom. “I’ll see you at the meeting then?” Yuri asks as I head to the door.

I open the door and look back. “I’ll think about it.” Yuri stares at me in bewilderment before I flash her a smile. She rolls her eyes but smiles back none the less as I exit the classroom. I slowly make my way to class. While I’m now both exhausted and starving, my mood has improved significantly. On the way to class I scarf down as much of my untouched lunch as I can before throwing away the rest. I take my seat and patiently await the end of the day.

I enter the clubroom to find the desks already arranged in a circle for the weekly discussion. The scent of the brewing oolong tea makes my stomach growl. On top of the fact Natsuki baked again for the meeting. Of all the days to not eat lunch I’m glad I chose today. Monika is the first to greet me as I take my seat. “Hey there Kris, how was your day.” Monika greets in her usual friendly tone.

“Meh same shit, different shovel.” Monika rolls her eyes but smiles at my sarcasm.

“Glad to hear it.” She replies in an equally sarcastic tone. “We already have the desks set up so just relax for a bit, we are about to start.” I give her a salute and take a seat. She shakes her head at my child like behavior and takes a seat as well. Natsuki brings out the cupcakes and sets them in the middle for everyone to enjoy, while Yuri begins handing out cups for everyone. As Yuri hands me my cup she smiles. “So you did decide to show up.” Yuri remarks.

I let out a sigh. “Yeah, but if I’m being perfectly honest I only came for the cupcakes.”

Yuri feigns a pained expression. “And here I thought chivalry was still alive in the world.” Yuri sighs sadly as I let out a laugh.

“Well I guess I didn’t come just for the cupcakes, but I would be lying if I said they weren’t a factor.”

“Then why did you bother showing up?” Yuri replies with a teasing smile.

I shake my head in disapproval. “Tsk, tsk, now that would be telling.” Yuri and I laugh as Natsuki groans from across the table.

“You two are making me sick.” Natsuki replies in a disgusted tone.

Yuri snaps out of her teasing mood and becomes bashful while I simply laugh it off. “Ah Nat, you are one of the reasons as well you know.” I give her a teasing smile. “I don’t know if I could go one day without being insulted by you, it’s one of your redeeming qualities.” I take a cupcake from the platter. “That and your baking skills are superb.” I take a bite before getting decked in the arm by Natsuki’s fist.

“Smart ass.” She remarks though her frown twitches into a smile. Some may see Natsuki’s sour attitude as annoying and snobby, but it’s all in good fun. If anything things would be weird if she wasn’t snarky all the time.

As Yuri goes to fetch the kettle, we begin our weekly discussion with Natsuki describing the manga she is reading. Though I love manga, Natsuki and I are polar opposites in terms of taste. That being said, it’s nice to be friends with someone who enjoys manga since many see don’t see it as a form of literature worth their time. As Natsuki continues her synopsis, while occasionally showing the illustrations from the manga to give more context, Yuri begins to pour everyone a cup of tea. As she makes her way around the desks, she goes to pour Natsuki a cup but accidently bumps Natsuki’s hand with the kettle spilling tea both on Natsuki and her manga. Natsuki jumps out of her desk in surprise and hisses in pain from the scalding hot tea on her hand. Yuri nervously sets the kettle down while apologizing but Natsuki quickly notices the stained pages of the manga. While it’s true Natsuki’s sour attitude is normally all in good fun, when she gets angry it becomes a completely different story. Natsuki’s face turns red with rage and she quickly snatches the manga away from Yuri who was trying to dab at it with a napkin.

“Yuri what the fuck!” Natsuki exclaims in rage. Yuri looks mortified.

“I-I’m s-so sorry N-Natsuki, i-it was an a-accident.” Yuri responds, her voice is trembling almost as much as her hands, causing me to become concerned.

Natsuki laughs in anger. “I don’t care if you’re sorry, it’s ruined.” Natsuki flips through the soaked pages and groans in frustration. “Now I have to buy another damn copy.”

“D-don’t i-I can b-buy you one…” Yuri replies weakly but Natsuki raises her hand and interrupts her.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s fine. It’s not like you would know where to look anyway. Just leave it alone.”

Yuri shakes her head. With a trembling voice she says. “P-please i-I insist, j-just t-tell me the name a-and i-I’ll buy y-you a-another one.”

“It’s fine Yuri just drop it.” Natsuki replies in a dangerous tone, Yuri’s constant apologizing seems to be pushing her over the edge.

“P-please j-just t-tell…”

“IT’S FINE YURI JUST FUCKING DROP IT!” Natsuki yells.

Yuri shrinks back in fear. Natsuki huffs in anger and sits back down. At this point Yuri is on the point of a nervous breakdown. Her breathing is rapid, her hands are trembling, and her eyes are darting across the room as if she is trapped and needs to escape. Monika glares at Natsuki. “There is no need to be so rude Natsuki she is only trying to apologize.” Monika says in a firm voice.

Natsuki rolls her eyes. “And I told her it was fine but she just kept pushing and pushing, it was driving me insane!”

Monika sighs. “Even so there was no need to speak to her that way…” Monika continues to scold Natsuki as I get up and approach Yuri though she quickly backs away.

“I-I h-have to… h-have to…” Yuri speaks in between breaths as if she is suffocating. She quickly scoops her bag and runs out of the run. “Yuri!” Monika calls out before turning back to Natsuki to scold her further. I don’t stick around to hear it though, I begin racing out of the room to catch up to Yuri.

I enter the hall and quickly turn towards the direction Yuri ran off. I see Yuri halfway down the hallway, though Yuri isn’t in any sort of sport related activity, her long legs let her take great strides. I quicken my pace to catch up and run past her to block her way down the stairs. She slows down a bit but still tries to shove past me, but I stand firm. Her breathing is erratic and she is covered in sweat. “P-please m-move.” Yuri asks in a panicked tone.

I catch my breath and shake my head. “No, Yuri just take a moment to catch your breath.” I say in a soothing voice. Yuri shakes her head furiously.

“M-My h-heart is p-pounding.” Yuri stammers out in between gasps for air. “I-I need to g-get out of h-here so p-please move.” Yuri tries to shove past me again but I take a firm hold on her shoulders. While this may not be the smartest action to take with someone who is panicking, the thought of letting her go off alone while in this mental state is far worse. I try to speak but Yuri keeps fighting me to break out of my grasp.

“Yuri just please wait, we can find a quiet place and let you…” I wheeze in pain as Yuri knees me in the groin. The air leaves my body and I fall on my knees. I look up and see Yuri with a mortified expression on her face.

“I-I’m s-sorry I didn’t… i-I didn’t…” At this point Yuri can’t even formulate a coherent sentence.

I try to stand to assure her that I’m fine but my attempt fails and I hiss in pain. It was a very solid hit and it feels like someone stabbed me in the abdomen. Before I can recuperate, Yuri rushes past me and descends the stairs. I stumble my way down the stairs to try and run after her but by the time I successfully make it down the stairs, she is already well out of sight. I bend over with my hands on my knees to catch my breath before punching a nearby locker in rage. Reluctantly I ascend the stairs again to return to the clubroom.

As I enter the clubroom, Monika addresses me. “How is she?” She asks in a concerned tone. I simply shake my head and take a seat. Natsuki is sitting in a nearby desk, though she doesn’t seem to be in a rage as before she still has a sour look on her face. Monika sighs before turning back to her. “You are going to apologize to her tomorrow.” Monika says in a commanding voice, something I honestly never thought I would see from Monika. While she is a good leader and she has been in charge of multiple clubs, I have never seen her get so serious with someone before. While Monika usually has a calm and polite gaze when speaking with someone, her icy cold glare and commanding voice makes my back straighten a bit. Natsuki doesn’t respond but she nods her head in agreement. Monika lets out a sigh before addressing the both of us. “Okay everyone, we might as well call it early today. I’ll see all of you tomorrow.” Everyone begins packing their things and I quickly scoop up my phone to try and call Yuri. As I begin to exit the classroom Natsuki approaches me with an apprehensive look on her face. “Are you going to check on Yuri?” Natsuki asks in a quiet voice.

“Yeah, I am.” I reply. While I’m frustrated with Natsuki’s behavior it won’t do me any good to get angry with her. Not to mention neither her nor Monika know about Yuri’s condition. I try to walk past Natsuki but she stops me. She crosses her arms and lets out a sigh.

“Can you tell her that… that I’m sorry. I overreacted and she didn’t deserve to be yelled at like that.” Natsuki blushes slightly. She isn’t the one to try and apologize to others so it’s a rare sight to see her flustered like this.

“I think that’s something you will have to do tomorrow.” I say. Natsuki bites her lip in annoyance but nods her head. “I’ll see you tomorrow Natsuki.” I say as I begin to exit the campus.

I select Yuri’s contact from my phone and call her but she doesn’t answer. I send a few messages but all of them are simply labeled as sent and not seen nor read. As I reach the crosswalk I try to call once again but like last time it simply goes to voice mail. I tap my foot on the ground in annoyance. Should I try and go to her house? It would be dumb of me to leave her alone but at the same time her dad could be there. I doubt I could convince him to let somebody he never even met inside. I groan in frustration and try to call again, knowing full well she won’t answer. After another failed attempt I just say “screw it.” and begin heading towards Yuri’s house. I reach her house and thankfully there are no cars in the driveway so it should just be Yuri, if she even came home that is. I quickly go to the door and pound on it. “Yuri!” I call out while knocking furiously on the door. I knock even louder but get no response. I try her cell again but unsurprisingly she doesn’t pick up. I idle in front of her door before reluctantly testing the door handle to see if it’s locked. The door opens and I quickly step inside. “Yuri!” I call out her name again as I ascend the stairs. I silently hope to myself that she is in fact home and I’m not just breaking in to someone’s house for no reason. I cautiously open a few doors on the second floor but find them to simply be a closet and the bathroom. I see a lone door towards the end of the hallway. As I approach, a familiar sense of anxiety starts to spread through my body. I’ve been in a similar scenario before and part of me is terrified of what I may find. When I approach the door at the end of the hallway, I can hear muffled sounds from the other side. Though I can’t hear any words being spoken it almost sounded like a sharp inhale, as if someone was sucking in the air between their teeth, as if they were in pain. I try and open the door but find it to be locked. “Yuri! It’s me, please open the door.” I say while pounding on the door.

“Please go away.” Yuri replies in an even tone.

I let out the breath I was unintentionally holding. “Yuri please just open the door, let’s just talk.” Yuri remains silent for a moment. She says something but I can barely hear her. “I didn’t hear you. What did you say.”

“I said I tried. I tried but even with your help it didn’t work.” Yuri says in a pained tone.

I can feel my heart racing. “Come on Yuri, don’t quit already. It’s only been a week, I told you there would be days where you fail but I can’t let you do this.” Yuri falls silent again. I try the door again but it’s still locked tight. I press my forehead against the door and let out a sigh. “Just please open the door.” I say in a soft tone.

Inside the room, Yuri is leaning against the other side of the door. A fresh cut is steadily bleeding onto her uniform and floor. Despite the pain that is emanating from her forearm, her mind is clear, her breathing is steady, and her heart is no longer racing. She looks down in guilt as I continue to try and coax her into opening the door. “I shouldn’t have gotten your hopes up.” Yuri says in a regretful tone.

“Don’t talk like that!” I exclaim, Yuri leans her head back against the door and stares blankly at the ceiling. After a few more moments she hears a thump on the other side of the door. “What are you doing?” Yuri asks curiously.

“I’m waiting until you open the door.” I reply in a determined tone. I cross my arms and lean back against the door, fully prepared to wait this whole ordeal out.

Yuri lets out a sigh. “You can’t wait here for too long, my Father won’t be gone for too much longer.”

I let out a soft laugh. “Then I would just go ahead and open up if I were you, otherwise this is going to be a very awkward thing to explain to your dad.”

Yuri grips the bridge of her nose and sighs in annoyance. “Don’t you think you’re overreacting about all of this?”

I scoff at her. “Don’t you think you’re underestimating the danger of the situation you’re in?” I counter. I let out a sigh. “Yuri, you’re sick, I know that isn’t a very nice way to put it but it’s the truth. You need help, I thought by having someone you can talk to, someone you can trust would be enough but I can see that I was wrong.” I swallow a lump in my throat before continuing. “Just give me five minutes Yuri, that’s all I need. Just five minutes of your time. If you’re still not convinced then I won’t bother you about this ever again.” I silently wait to see if Yuri takes me up on my offer.

Yuri sits in silence for a few moments. She closes her eyes and lets out a sigh. Before she goes to unlock the door, the fresh cut on her arm stops her. “Okay, just give me a bit and I’ll let you in.” Yuri proceeds to enter her bathroom while I stand up and patiently wait.

I tap my foot in anticipation and go over what I should say in my head. She thinks I’m overreacting, she truly believes that what she is doing to herself isn’t a big deal. I let out a long sigh, this is going to be difficult. Yuri is utterly convinced that this method of self-harm is the only solution to her attacks. Add on top of the fact that her social anxiety deters her from speaking to others about her condition, and you have someone who is in a very dangerous situation. The only silver lining is she doesn’t seem to be suicidal, but in the end it doesn’t matter if she wants to die or not, she will hurt herself, or worse if something isn’t done. After a few more minutes the door opens and Yuri steps aside to let me in. She closes the door behind her and stands stiffly. I take in my surroundings. Unlike Sayori’s room, Yuri’s is in pristine condition. The hardwood floor is freshly swept, the curtains are open allowing the evening light to illuminate the room in its amber glow. A large bookshelf dominates the room with its presence, its shelves are lined with rows and rows of books all of various sizes. Everything is in pristine condition, anyone that lays eyes on this room would never suspect its lone occupant to be in the situation she is in. I take a seat on the chair in front of Yuri’s desk and motion for her to take a seat on her bed. She stands firm for a moment but reluctantly sits down. We sit in silence for a moment before I roll towards her and extend my hand. She stares at it for a moment but she catches on to my wordless request. She gently places her forearm in my hand and I slowly roll up her sleeve. A fresh bandage is wrapped tightly around her arm, there are still a few speckles of dried blood but other than that her wound has stopped bleeding. I nod my head slowly and unroll her sleeve. She places her hands in her lap and clenches them into fists to suppress the oncoming tremors. I take a breath and prepare myself.

“You’re right Yuri, I can’t help you.” Yuri looks at me with a confused expression on her face. “I thought that by just simply being there for you, that it would help your anxiety. That all you needed was a shoulder to lean on, but now I know that you need more than that. You need real help, professional help.” Yuri stares at me in bewilderment.

“You begged me to let you in here just to say that you can’t help me?” Yuri lets out an angry laugh. “I already told you that I wasn’t going to a doctor, nor am I telling anybody else about this. I assure you that I’m fine, sure I may have a bad day here and there but I highly doubt talking with some doctor or taking pills will be any better.” Yuri stands up and goes to open the door but I grab her hand.

“How would you know? You haven’t seen a doctor or told anyone but myself about this, so what makes you so sure?”

Yuri closes her eyes and sighs in annoyance. “I don’t but what I do know is that I’m not suicidal, I’m careful, I won’t hurt myself. You have nothing to worry about, why can’t you just accept that?” Yuri asks. “Why are you so convinced that something bad will happen?” Yuri rips her hand out of my grasp and crosses her arms. She taps her foot expectantly, I try and speak but after a few false starts I sigh. She is going to hate me if I tell her this, anybody would. At this point though, I have no other choice.

“Sit back down Yuri, I’ll tell you everything.” I say in a quiet tone.

Yuri checks her phone. “You almost used up your five minutes, are you certain whatever it is you have to say will be worth it?” Yuri asks. I don’t respond I just wordlessly urge her to sit, she reluctantly complies and I sit in the desk chair in front of her.

I can feel my hands shaking, my stomach is doing backflips and I feel lightheaded. I take a few calming breaths as beads of sweat fall down my face. Yuri’s annoyed expression softens a bit as she takes in my condition. She stares at me curiously as I mentally prepare myself. “That Sunday, the day before the festival, before you came by my house, I went to check on Sayori.” Yuri leans forward giving me her full attention as I continue. “Monika and I thought that she was just nervous about the festival, we knew she was acting strange but we didn’t think too much about it, still though I couldn’t shake this feeling. A feeling that something was very wrong with her.” I take a shaky breath and swallow the lump in my throat. This is harder than I thought. I close my eyes tightly and steel my nerves. “We talked for a while, she tried to assure me she was fine but I wouldn’t have any of it. Finally she confessed, she told me that she was suffering from depression.” Yuri’s eyes widen in surprise and she looks at me skeptically, as if she is waiting for me to tell her it’s all a cruel joke. I proceed to tell Yuri everything, how Sayori’s overly cheerful behavior was just a façade, how she felt like she was a massive burden to everyone, how I stopped hanging out with her for a few years prior to me joining the club, though I left out the part of my living conditions, I don’t know if I have the strength to confess about both of those things. I tell her all of it, right down to the day of the festival, where I found her body hanging lifelessly and how it was all my fault. I stare down at Yuri’s floor refusing to look up. Tears are forming in my eyes but I quickly blink them away and regain my composure. I make eye contact with Yuri and see that tears are freely falling down her face. I lick my lips nervously and speak. “It was all my fault Yuri, I let her die that day. I will never forgive myself for what I did.” I laugh nervously. “I can still see her sometimes, that image of her is forever burned into my mind.”

Yuri stares at me for what must have been an eternity, she wipes the tears from her eyes and speaks softly. “I…I suspected something to that extent, Sayori was too cheerful to just kill herself like that.” Yuri takes a shuddering breath. “But still to think she was actually…” Yuri trails off, almost like she is afraid of finishing the sentence. She looks me dead in the eye. “That’s why you’ve been so persistent about this whole thing?”

I nod my head and look down in shame. “Now you are the only person who knows the truth, I understand if you hate me for it. I lied to all of you about what really happened. All of you were great friends with her and I…I” I stop short and get up from the chair and begin pacing around the room. I bite down on my fist to repress the oncoming emotions. Years of emotional abuse still force me to hide my insecurities from others. I feel Yuri softly embrace me from behind. I go to speak but have to clear my throat to steady my voice. “What are you doing?” I ask.

“I don’t hate you.” Yuri whispers. “It wasn’t your fault.”

I let out a laugh. “Don’t, don’t lie to me like that.” I try to move away from her grasp but she remains firm. “You can’t possibly mean that? I lied to all of you, even her own parents about her depression and you expect me to believe that it wasn’t my fault?”

Yuri nods her head and tightens her grip. “I do, it wasn’t your fault. You are not the one to blame, nobody was.”

I feel my rage boil to the surface and successfully squirm my way out of her grasp. I grab her shoulders and force her to look me in the eye, even though the tears are flowing freely. “It was my fault, you understand? Tell me it was my fault, get mad at me! You have every right to be angry with me, so tell me it was my fault! That I killed her!” I say in a rage.

Yuri shakes her head. “No, it wasn’t your fault.”

I shake my head in annoyance and walk away from her, gripping my hair tightly I let out a angry sigh. “Please, tell me it was my fault.” I say in a hushed tone, barely above a whisper.

Yuri shakes her head and steps toward me. “No.”

“Please, I deserve it, I deserve to be hated for this. Please.” I practically beg her but she continues to shake her head. I lean against her wall and slide down it, putting my head into my hands I softly whisper more to myself than her. “It was my fault, it was my fault. I killed her, it was my fault.” I feel a soft pair of hands embrace me again as I try and ultimately fail to suppress my emotions. Yuri comforts me as I sob silently, fist in my mouth to suppress the noise, I bite down as hard as I can drawing blood in the process, its metallic taste envelops my taste buds. To think I came here to try and comfort Yuri only to end up in this state, I’m truly pathetic.

“It wasn’t your fault, no matter how much you think it is. We both know that Sayori would say the same thing is she could.” Yuri says in a soothing voice.

I take a shuddering breath. “You may think that, if anything you’re too nice of a person. I will never forgive myself though, I sat back and did nothing, and now she will never come back.” Yuri remains silent but tightens her grip on me. We remain sitting there for a couple of minutes before I finally regain my composure. I take a few steadying breaths and stand up. The day’s events combined with my exhaustion has me feeling lightheaded. “I should probably go before your dad shows up.” I begin to slowly walk out the door but Yuri stops me.

Yuri looks down at the floor and lets out a long sigh. “I can’t say that I want to see a professional, I’m still skeptical about that whole thing.” Yuri goes silent for a moment before giving me a smile. “But I plan on talking to my Father about my…condition tonight.” I stare at her in bewilderment. “I still don’t believe what I’m doing is dangerous but I know for a fact that if Sayori knew about this, she would stop at nothing to convince me to get help.” Yuri blushes a bit. “And I can’t bear the thought of putting you through so much pain, especially if something were to happen.”

I stare at Yuri for a moment before embracing her. I let out a sigh in relief as she returns the embrace. “Thank you Yuri.” Yuri simply smiles to herself, face hidden in my blazer as I break the embrace. “Let me know how it goes okay?” I ask.

“I will.”

I begin to leave but stop just shy of the door. “And my offer still stands, if you need someone to talk to, day or night I’m here.”

Yuri smiles and nods her head. “That goes for you as well.”

I let out a laugh. “I’ll see you tomorrow then Yuri.” Yuri smiles and waves goodbye.

I exit the house and make it halfway down the sidewalk before I see a car pull into Yuri’s driveway. Yuri’s father steps out and goes to enter the house. I smile to myself at my impeccable timing and slowly make my way back home.


	13. Chapter 13

_“I don’t like that you found out I’m a snake_

_Been sneaking around for far too long now_

_I don’t like how fast my intentions fade_

_Karma has beat me down, the worst is yet to come_

_Many mistakes and still I’m so young”_

_March 7 th, 2019_

The lunch bell rings, signaling the end of fourth period. I quickly pack my things and enter the cluttered hallway. Students congest the narrow pathway as they begin filing into the cafeteria. Just a little over a week ago, I was able to successfully convince Yuri to talk with her Dad and seek professional help for her panic attacks. Of course in order to achieve this, I was forced to reveal the truth behind Sayori’s suicide. I fully expected and even hoped that Yuri would hate me, that she would blame me for her death. She certainly had every right to do so, and yet she didn’t. She foolishly tried to convince me that it wasn’t my fault and that I wasn’t the one to blame for her suicide. A foolish thing for her to do indeed, she may be able to delude herself to the truth but I don’t have that sort of luxury. Still though Yuri sat down with her Dad and talked to him about her condition. While she didn’t give me the specifics of their conversation she did say he got her an appointment with a therapist. Today is her first day of therapy and just from her text messages alone I can tell she is anxious and most likely still uncertain of her decision. Either way I’m proud that she was willing to even consider getting help. As the crowd dissipates, I make my way towards the classroom and peek inside. Yuri is sitting at her usual spot, patiently waiting for my arrival. I proceed to enter the classroom.

I greet Yuri with a warm smile. “Hey.” I greet Yuri as I take a seat next to her.

Yuri gives me a half smile and meekly replies. “Hey.” Yuri trails off into silence, though she is trying to put on a happy face, it’s clear that she’s nervous.

“You nervous about today?” I ask. Yuri wordlessly nods her head. She is nervously stroking her hair and tapping her foot on the floor. “There’s nothing to be nervous about Yuri, it’s going to go great.” I let out a small laugh. “If anything you will end up wishing that you went sooner.” I smile at Yuri to try and ease her tension but she barely returns it. I let out a sigh and gently place my hand on hers. She goes stiff for a moment but slowly relaxes. “It’s going to be fine Yuri, you have nothing to be nervous about.” I say in a soothing voice.

Yuri stares at her desk for a while before finally speaking up. “I know, while I am indeed nervous, there’s something else that’s bothering me.”

I stare at Yuri curiously. “What is it?” I ask.

Yuri stares at me for a moment before replying. “My appointment is right after school, so I will be forced to miss the club meeting.”

I stare at Yuri for a moment to let her continue, however her silence tells me that was all she had to say. I let out a chuckle. “Is that what you’re worried about? You can miss one day, nobody’s going to be upset.”

“It’s not that necessarily, it’s that if this is to be a regular thing I’m going to be doing, then I’ll be missing at least one meeting a week.” Yuri says. I stare at her for a moment, unsure of what she is trying to say. She lets out a sigh and continues. “If I have to leave for a doctor’s appointment on a weekly basis, the others are going to want to know why.”

I nod my head in realization. “I hadn’t really thought of that. Do you not plan on telling them then?” I ask.

Yuri bites her lip nervously. “Well…I suppose I will in time, but I don’t know, what would they think of me?” Yuri rubs her face in frustration and groans into her hands. I scoot closer to her and put my hand on her shoulder.

“Yuri they are your friends, they won’t think any less of you.” I look down at the floor and smile solemnly. “After what happened in December, I imagine they will be even more considerate and understanding than ever.” Yuri gives me a sympathetic smile and places her hand on mine.

She sighs softly. “Even so, that won’t change the fact that they will act differently around me, as if I’m made of glass.”

“Well yes that is a given, for a while they will do just that. They will watch what they say to you and probably apologize for things that aren’t even that serious, especially Natsuki.” Yuri sighs in defeat. While Natsuki did apologize to Yuri about last week, her apology was awkward and to many can be seen as insincere. That wasn’t the case however, it’s just not in Natsuki’s nature to be overly sympathetic, even when she is at fault. While they have both moved on from the incident, I can only imagine how Natsuki would feel when she learns about Yuri’s condition. She would more than likely blame herself and treat Yuri as if she is made of glass. I can see why Yuri is hesitant to tell them the truth. I look Yuri in the eye and give her a reassuring smile. “Even so, they will learn that nothing has changed, and that if anything you will be in a much better state mentally than before. It will take time, but they’ll come around.” Yuri stares for a moment before giving me the first genuine smile of the day.

“I guess that settles it then I’ll tell them. J-just not today!” Yuri quickly blurts out. “I won’t have time before my Father picks me up and I want to be ready.” Yuri trails off she noticeably fidgets as she continues speaking. “If you could just…you know not…” I smile at Yuri as she stutters on her words.

“I won’t say a word, I promise. If they ask I’ll just tell them that you felt sick and went to see a doctor.”

Yuri bashfully smiles before embracing me. This briefly catches me off guard but after a heartbeat I return the embrace. “Thank you, for everything.” Yuri whispers into my blazer. I smile to myself and gently stroke her back in comfort. My mind wanders to the day before the festival, before things went horribly wrong, they were perfectly right. The same lavender scent from before stimulates my senses and the same dizzying feeling washes over me. So much has changed since then, even though it’s only been three months. Most of it is somber and horrifying, but speckled in between the sleepless nights and the inescapable guilt is Yuri. In just these three months I learned more about her than most have either tried or cared to. The fact that I didn’t let her down still hasn’t settled. There are nights where I wake up, afraid that I didn’t in fact save her but drove her to her own death. Just like Sayori. Yet in this moment right now, I take solace in the fact that she is unharmed and is actively trying to stay that way. I’m unsure of how long we sat holding each other but Yuri still hasn’t released her grip, if anything it has only gotten tighter. A thought crosses my mind as I continue to reminisce about that day. I smile to myself and gently break the embrace. Yuri looks me in the eye, her signature blush creeps on her face yet her stare lingers. She is wearing that same intense expression that she normally reserves for literature. The warm, alluring, glow of her brown eyes lock me in a trance. Even so I manage to snap out of it and give her a gentle smile. “This reminds me of that day before the festival.” I say in a soft tone. Yuri blinks in response, she takes a moment to respond as if she herself was in some sort of trance.

“In what way?” Yuri asks, voice barely above a whisper.

“Well, you have that same intense expression you get when you’re reading.” Yuri’s blush deepens, yet despite her timid nature her gaze remains locked onto mine. I smile at her before continuing. “I never got the chance to make good on my own offer.”

Yuri stares quizzically at me. “And what offer was that?”

“Well we had such a great time that day, we agreed that we should spend some time together again sometime.”

Yuri smiles slightly. “I don’t know, I think we’ve been spending a fair amount of time together.” Yuri replies in a teasing tone. It’s easy to forget that on some occasions Yuri’s timid nature gets suppressed. She basically morphs into a completely different person. As a certain someone would put it, it’s pretty endearing.

I let out a light chuckle. “Well let’s just say not all of the time together has been in the most preferable scenarios.” I gently caress her cheek. For a brief, horrifying moment it almost feels cold and clammy to the touch, but just as quickly as the sensation came it was quickly replaced with the heat of Yuri’s flushed cheeks, they’re warm, alive. I blink my eyes a couple of times to shake the momentary feeling of fear away and smile despite of it all. Exhaustion is a hell of a thing but I won’t let it ruin this. “How about this weekend? We can make good on that promise months ago, no club, no scars, just the two of us.”

Yuri stares for a while, her timid nature is slowly starting to take hold again, Her flushed cheeks are reaching the point of spontaneous combustion. Despite this though she gives a genuine smile. “I would love too.” Yuri replies formal as ever. The lunch bell sounds off, like a judges gavel it shatters the trance.

I smile despite my empty stomach protesting my decision to skip lunch yet again. I let go of Yuri’s cheek and stand up, Yuri however remains seated as if she isn’t quite capable of moving just yet. It doesn’t take long for her timid nature to finally assert its dominance and she looks away bashfully. I gently laugh at her timid nature and grab my things. “Remember to let me know how it goes today alright?” Yuri still avoids eye contact but nods her head in affirmation none the less. I smile to myself as I begin to exit the classroom. “I’ll talk to you later then Yuri.” I say as I exit the room. Yuri sits in silence at her desk for a while. She gently lowers her head onto her desk and lets out a laugh. She smiles to herself in happiness as I walk away from the door window, laughing to myself.

I enter my house later that evening. The club meeting went rather well, though as expected both Monika and Natsuki questioned Yuri’s absence. While Monika accepted my excuse easily enough, Natsuki still seemed bothered by it. Apparently she still thinks that Yuri is avoiding her. I was admittedly pretty sour towards Natsuki for a few days after the incident last week. Even after her apology a darker part of me thought that it wasn’t good enough. Today however, those feelings were put to ease by Natsuki’s concern. She does care in her own weird way. My mother’s humming is the first thing to greet me, followed quickly by the sweet aroma of chicken casserole. She smiles at me as I begin to ascend the staircase, shedding my uniform along the way. After changing into more casual clothing, I switch on my Xbox and kill some time before dinner. After a while the sound of the front door slamming shut alerts me to my dad’s presence. It’s not long after that mom calls up to me that dinner is ready. I descend down the stairs and take my place at the table as the three of us begin to eat.

We begin to eat in silence, mom is humming softly to herself while dad appears to already be in a drunken state. I roll my eyes and continue eating. Like always mom tries to strike up conversation with dad, nothing too drastic, just asking how work was. Normally my father simply grunts or rolls his eyes, but today however a look of annoyance and rage spreads across his face. “Oh it went fantastic.” He replies in a sarcastic tone. “Apparently the company is preparing to lay off some people.” He lets out an annoyed laugh and forcibly stabs a piece of chicken. “But other than that, a fucking fantastic day.” He takes a deep drink of whiskey and proceeds to top of his glass as mom foolishly presses him. “I’m sure you have nothing to worry about, you’ve been with them for years.” Dad stares at her with an irritated expression. “You think that means anything? It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been working there, if they decide to give you the axe, you get the fucking axe!” He exclaims in rage. Mom falls silent for a while, I give her a sympathetic stare and continue to eat, confident that her attempts at conversation were over, I was wrong. “Well just be careful okay?” Mom says in a soothing voice. The silence following this was deafening. Dad stares at her as if she just slapped him across the face. He lets out a laugh. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He asks in a dangerous tone. Mom stares at him in confusion before nervously responding. “You k-know just be careful, just do your best at w-work and everything should be fine.” Dad stares at her for a few seconds before letting out an angry laugh. “Are you implying that I don’t work hard? That if I get laid off it’s my fault?” Mom quickly shakes her head in denial. “Of c-course not, I would n…”

“Because let me tell you something, I give my all at this fucking job! And what do you do huh? You have the luxury, no the privilege to stay at home all fucking day!” He points his finger at her accusingly. “And you have the nerve to tell me that it’s my fault if I get the fucking axe?” Mom doesn’t respond she simply stares down at her plate in obedience. Normally this is enough to satisfy the fucking pig but his angry mood combined with his intoxication encourages him. “I asked you a god damn question!” He yells at the top of his lungs.

“No! of course I wouldn’t blame you!” Mom yells. She puts her face in her hands and stifles a sob. Dad simply rolls his eyes and continues to eat as if nothing happened. I stare him down furiously.

“She was just trying to reassure you, that you aren’t going to get laid off.” I say in a flat even tone, carefully concealing my rage.

He stares at me with drunken, angry eyes. “I don’t think I asked for your goddamn opinion now did I?” I remain silent and he proceeds to bang his fist on the table, knocking over his glass in the process. “I asked you a question boy!” he exclaims.

“No sir.” I reply in a flat voice. The urge to flip this table and start beating the shit out of him is barely being held back.

He stares for a few more seconds before rising out of his seat and throwing his plate into the sink, shattering it in the process, not that he cares, he doesn’t care about anything. “Both of you are ungrateful, no matter how hard I work for this family, nobody, not even my own son can bother to give me the respect I deserve.” I bite back the immediate sarcastic comment that came to mind, Mom has been through enough for one night. Dad proceeds to stumble into the living room. I let out a sigh in annoyance and proceed to put my plate away, making sure to throw away the broken plate in the process. Mom is simply staring at her food, her facial expression is unreadable. Despite this I proceed to hug her. “The food was delicious mom.” I say in a soothing voice. She gives me a weak smile and I kiss her on the cheek and tell her goodnight, which she halfheartedly returns.

I collapse onto my desk chair and take calming breaths to control my temper. He makes me sick, all I need is an excuse, just one excuse and I’ll be more than happy to beat him down like the dog he is. My train of thought is broken by my phones ringtone sounding off. I stare at it for a moment before checking the caller ID, It’s Yuri. I take a few calming breaths and clear my throat before answering.

“Hey Yuri, how did it go?” I ask in a care free happy tone, as if nothing is wrong.

Yuri takes a seat on her bed as her leg bounces in nervousness. “It was…interesting.” She proceeds to bite her nails and look around nervously.

I furrow my brow in concern. “Are you feeling okay?” I ask.

“Sort of, like I said it was interesting. The man was nice and very understanding though so there’s that.”

“Well what kind of questions did he ask?”

Yuri paces her room in nervousness as her heart rate begins to speed up. “It was very basic questions really, he just wanted to get a better handle on my…situation and how I felt about it. Stuff you already know by now.”

Yuri sounds on edge, though her voice is steady it sounds like she just got done running a marathon. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” I ask in a concerned tone.

Yuri bites her nails in nervousness before sighing. “Not really no, my Father took away all the knives in my room.”

“Well I’m not too surprised, that seems like the smart thing to do.”

I know, I know but i… I’m nervous.” Yuri says in a fearful tone.

“Why?” I ask.

Yuri timidly laughs. “I-it’s dumb, but there was something so calming about just holding the knife. As if the very thought of cutting myself would suppress my nerves… sometimes anyway, most times it didn’t work.” Yuri shakes her head and laughs in embarrassment. “I-I’m sorry, i-I know that sounds pretty w-weird, I shouldn’t have s-said anything.”

I chuckle to myself. “Yuri it’s perfectly understandable.” I drum my fingers on my desk in thought. Trying to think of a way to calm her down or at the very least keep her preoccupied until this passes. “Tell me about that one genre of literature you like to read, the one with the tentacle monster thing.” I say after a short pause.

Yuri furrows her brow in confusion. “Y-you mean Cthulhu?” Yuri asks in a confused tone. “Why?”

I lean back in my chair and sigh. “I don’t know, just to get your mind off of this, it’s a genre of books I hadn’t gotten around too yet, so go on.” I urge Yuri.

Yuri remains silent for a moment, she takes a few breaths to steady her quivering voice. “The genre you’re thinking o-of is cosmic h-horror. It’s basically the i-idea that there are beings out in the universe so far beyond our understanding that we a-are literally incapable of comprehending their true form. If we were to gaze upon them, our sanity would fracture and we would lose ourselves.” Yuri says, her voice wavering at first, begins to slowly steady itself.

“Sounds pretty badass, how does this involve the Cthulhu monster?” I ask trying desperately to keep her mind off of her urges.

“Well It is described as being part of a pantheon of elder gods, and is said to be associated with the water element. It’s said that Cthulhu is the source of constant anxiety for mankind at a subconscious level and is apparently worshipped by a cult…”

Yuri continues on about the details of Cthulhu and other beings of cosmic horror. Her stuttering is all but gone and we end up talking for hours. It’s easy to forget how passionate Yuri is about literature. Part of me wonders just how long is she able to talk about it. A small yawn emanates from my phone and I laugh softly. “Sounds like you’re ready for bed.” Yuri simply hums in response, the sound of her shuffling towards bed is the only thing telling me that she hasn’t hung up. I laugh before speaking. “Don’t forget to hang up your phone before you pass out.”

Yuri lets out a tired sigh and goes to hang up. She stops just shy of doing so and smiles. “Thank you, for staying up with me, I’m sorry to keep bothering y...”

“Nope, no apologies. I told you that I’m available no matter what time it is.” Yuri lets out a tired chuckle. “Now get some sleep, good night Yuri.”

“Good night.” She replies before the call is ended.

I put my phone on the charger and let out a long sigh, At least I was able to keep her company. I just didn’t expect to be on the phone that long. Not that it matters anyway, sleep hasn’t been a luxury for me the past couple of months. Despite everything though, I set my alarm and gently lay down, letting the warm covers gently embrace me, slowly drifting into an uneasy sleep.

I find myself drifting through an endless expanse of nothingness. No matter which direction I look, there is only a soulless void. Why am I here? Where do I go? These questions endlessly circle in my mind as reality slowly begins to set in, the endless expanse of nothingness closes in, I can almost feel the space I’m in shrinking. The fear of being crushed by this force overtakes me and I shut my eyes to brace myself for the inevitable. Nothing happens however. Upon opening my eyes I find myself in a hallway, it looks familiar but I can’t quite put my finger on it. The architecture of the hallway is all wrong, one minute it seems normal and for just a moment the walls appear to be different colors, as if two interior designers clashed over what wallpaper to use. I find myself walking down this endless hallway searching for…something. I walk with purpose yet when I try and determine my reason for being here, it slips away. The thought is so close yet ever so out of reach. I eventually find a staircase and begin to ascend, like the hallway the architecture of the stairs clash with one another. For a brief moment I see what appears to be a letter, yet when I try and get a closer look it vanishes, both physically and in my memory, as if it never existed. I reach the top of the stairs and make my way down the hallway. I can feel the urge to call out to….someone. it’s a person I know that much but their name is right on the tip of my tongue. A new sensation enters the clashing hallway, a scent that I’ve smelled before on numerous occasions. A metallic odor overwhelms my nostrils and I recognize it as the stench of blood, the scent is heavy, suffocating. I feel a familiar sense of fear and walk faster down the hallway. Two names come to mind, Sayori and Yuri. Those are the people I need to find, the more I look around the more I realize the hallway is a twisted amalgamation of Yuri and Sayori’s house. I quicken my pace as the smell of blood grows ever stronger. I reach the end of the hallway and find two doors. I can hear a sound coming from one of the doors. Behind the door I can hear the sound of someone gasping for air and on occasion a weak cry for help. I immediately go for the door but I hear another sound coming from the opposite door. It’s a stifled sob, followed by a sharp inhale, as if someone is sucking the air through their teeth, as if they’re in pain. The closer I get to the door, the stronger the scent of blood becomes. I hopelessly look between both doors. After an eternity of pacing this hallway I approach the door from which the scent of blood is coming from. I hesitate to open the door and look back at the other, only to find it’s gone, Yet the weak cries for help still echo from the hallway. I take a breath and utter an apology for whoever I left behind and gently open the door.

Upon entering a crushing weight throws me to my hands and knees. I try to stand but the weight pulls me down to the ground, making my head spin. I grit my teeth and look around the room and recoil in horror. Yuri is sitting against her wall, a large kitchen knife in her hand. Several large gashes are present on both her arms as blood pours freely. A fatal wound to be sure, yet Yuri is somehow able to look my way. Her face has a defeated expression. I try to call her name but no words come out. I try again to stand but the invisible force puts me back onto my hands and knees. Yuri slowly stands up, her face is pale and the strong scent of blood suffocates my sense of smell. Yuri softly cries. “Please I just want it to stop.” Yuri looks right at me and begs for help. I prop myself on my elbows and plant my feet on the ground. With all my strength I slowly raise myself to stand. The dizzying feeling in my head intensifies but I manage to take a step, two steps, and another. I slowly make my way towards Yuri but for every step I take the weight pulling me down becomes heavier. I finally collapse from the effort and Yuri’s soft cries stifle. “You said you would help me, that you would be there for me.” I look up helplessly at Yuri as she slowly raises the knife to her throat. I try to yell but the words refuse to come out, as if my throat is closed shut. “I cried for you, I begged you to help me. You didn’t come, you were too late.” I try to stand but my previous exertion has me exhausted. I feel sweat pouring down my face as my arms and legs tremble. “You left her behind too, Sayori needed your help as well. You failed both of us.” Yuri stifles a sob as the knife slowly inches towards her throat. With all my strength I yell at the top of my lungs, Yuri stares at me in bewilderment and slowly lowers the knife. I let out a sigh of relief and rest my face against the floor. I feel a pair of hands grab me by the hair and lift my head up. Sayori puts her mouth next to my ear, her icy breath prickling at my skin.

“Like always, you are too late.” Sayori whispers hoarsely.

Yuri suddenly plunges the knife into her stomach, I immediately suppress the urge to vomit as she rips the knife out and stabs herself again, twisting the knife before pulling it out. The smell of blood is stronger than ever but now it’s mixed in with the smell of stomach acid. With trembling hands she raises the knife and plunges it into her chest, slowly falling to the ground in the process. I can only watch in horror as Yuri slowly begins to die. Tears fall freely from her face and she weakly reaches towards me before falling limp. I sob violently into the floor while Sayori sighs sadly. “This was your fault, you failed to save me. You think you can save her but you’re wrong.” Sayori laughs humorlessly. “I wonder, will you lie about her death? Will you tell everyone that you had no idea and there was nothing you could have done?” I don’t respond, I simply lay my head down in defeat. Sayori shakes her head sadly as she begins to walk down the endless hallway. As I lay helplessly on the floor, the scent of blood and stomach acid continue to overwhelm my sense of smell. The weight of failure crushing me as the nightmare slowly fades away.


	14. Chapter 14

_“I can’t_

_Count how many times_

_Awakened in fear, nightly_

_Palms sweating!”_

_March 8, 2019_

I shoot out of my bed in a blind panic. I try to take in my surroundings but the image from the nightmare is burned into my mind’s eye. I throw off the covers to try and rid the sense of suffocation overtaking my body. My breathing is rapid and it feels like my heart is beating through my chest. I can still smell the scent of blood, as if the nightmare isn’t over just yet. With trembling hands, I blindly fumble for my phone and call Yuri. The phone rings a couple of times before Yuri answers it.

“Hello?” Yuri mumbles.

I let out a sigh of relief and lean against my wall. “Thank god.” I whisper to myself.

Yuri sits up in her bed in concern. “Is everything okay?” Yuri asks.

I take a few moments to steady my breathing and calm my nerves. I go to reply but stop myself. What the hell was I thinking? Of course she’s okay, it was just a nightmare, it’s always a nightmare. Now she’s going to want to know what happened. I groan at my own stupidity.

“Kris? What’s wrong?” Yuri asks in a concerned tone.

I take a moment to gather my thoughts before replying. “I’m so sorry Yuri, I shouldn’t have called you this late.”

“Is everything okay?” Yuri asks again.

I let out a sheepish laugh. “Yeah, everything’s fine.” _Lies_. “I just had a nightmare…I don’t know why I had the urge to call you though.” _Because you thought you killed her_. I let out a sheepish laugh.

Yuri furrows her brow in confusion. “A nightmare? What was it about?” Yuri asks. This was a big mistake, now she’s going to be worried.

I laugh nervously. “It’s embarrassing really, but I can’t remember what it was about.” _More lies._ “Like I said, I don’t know why I called you, I was still half asleep when I picked up my phone. I’m sorry for waking you.”

“No, no it’s fine really.” Yuri pauses for a moment. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

_No I’m anything but okay._ “Yeah, I’m fine, really” I let out a laugh, the lies flowing freely like a river. “Anyway I will let you go back to sleep. Sorry for waking you up like this, good night Yuri.”

“Okay goodni…” Yuri falls silent as the call is disconnected in the middle of her sentence. She slowly puts her phone back on the charger and lays down. It’s odd, why would he call about a nightmare? What’s even more odd and a bit concerning was how he spoke. He sounded both relieved and terrified. Just what the hell did he dream about?

I put down my phone and rub my face with my hands. I take another moment to fully calm down from the nightmare. Even so, the imagery, the sounds, the feeling of helplessness, everything about it lingers in my mind. The scent, my god the stench was unbearable. The very thought of it makes me want to vomit. I slowly make my way to the bathroom and turn on the sink. The rushing sound of water giving me something to focus on. I cup my hands under the faucet and splash some on my face, the water sends a cool refreshing sensation across my skin. I take a few more breaths and turn the sink off. I glance at the mirror and I’m greeted by my ghostly reflection. The signs of fatigue are written clearly on my face, the bloodshot eyes, the bags, the sickly paleness of my skin, all of it makes me cringe in disgust. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” I ask aloud, as if that will give me some sort of answer. The silence of the night is the only response I’m given. With a heavy sigh, I exit the bathroom and enter my bedroom. I flop down onto my bed, knowing damn well that I will not be getting anymore sleep. To be honest though, at this point that sounds like a blessing in disguise. Yuri will no doubt have more questions about tonight, not to mention she will undoubtably notice my extreme fatigue. I groan in annoyance, We are supposed to hang out this weekend I don’t need her worrying about me. I don’t want anyone worrying about me. I lay in solitude, staring at the uncaring ceiling, going over how to deflect all the possible concerns Yuri will have, for every possibility there will be some sort of excuse, some form of my usual sarcasm. People have nightmares all the time, I just happen to have them every night, But she doesn’t need to know that.

Before I know it, the light of the early morning peeks through my curtains, signaling to me it’s time to get ready. I commence my usual morning routine and glance in the mirror to fix my tie. Thankfully my eyes are no longer bloodshot and a bit of color has returned to my skin. The bags and look of fatigue on my face linger, but other than that it just looks like I had a rough night. Nothing too out of the ordinary. I head downstairs to eat breakfast with Mom. She is unusually quiet this morning, though I can’t blame her for it. The events of last night flash across my mind. She doesn’t deserve the treatment he gives her. A weaker person would have been broken completely by the constant emotional abuse, yet despite it all she always has a smile on her face, even if at times it can be a bit forced. What gives me the right to complain about a few nightmares, she is tortured on a daily basis by something real, something that she is forced to live with. No, I have no right to complain.

Mom pours me a fresh cup of coffee and we begin to eat our breakfast. After a few moments of silence I break the tension. “Hey, I have a favor to ask.”

Mom looks at me curiously. “What is it?”

I trace the rim of the coffee cup, hesitant on asking. I take a breath before speaking. “Well can I borrow a bit of money from you? I plan on hanging out with someone this weekend.”

Mom gives me a smile. “Of course you can, I’m glad you’re getting out of the house.” Mom gives me a curious look. “Who are you going to hang out with?” She asks.

I scratch the back of my neck and let out a nervous laugh. “Well… with Yuri.” I mumble. Mom gives me a teasing smile as I roll my eyes. “Don’t give me that look.” I reply as heat begins to invade my cheeks.

Mom lets out a genuine laugh. How long has it been since I heard her laugh like that? “Sorry, sorry, but of course I can lend you some money.” Mom goes into the living room and begins to rummage through her purse before coming back with ten thousand Yen. I look at her in bewilderment.

“I don’t plan on doing anything too fancy mom, I think five thousand will be fine.” I say as I try to deny the money.

Mom stands firm however and puts the Yen into my hands. “Go on take it, Make it a memorable night for the two of you.” I struggle to come up with a retort and begrudgingly accept the money. I quickly ascend the stairs to put the money away for now and head back down. As I grab my things for the day I give Mom a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you.”

She smiles warmly at me. “You’re welcome.” I proceed to exit the house and make my way towards the campus.

The lunch bell rings and I begin to gather my stuff and head towards the classroom. I find Yuri sitting in her usual spot, I take a seat next to her, taking note of her concerned stares. I glance at her and smile. “Something on your mind?” I casually ask.

“Are you feeling okay?” Yuri asks, the concern in her voice quite noticeable.

I let out a laugh. “If you’re referring to last night, then yes I’m fine. I told you Yuri it was just a nightmare.” I let out a sheepish laugh. “I didn’t mean to hang up on you like that but if I’m being honest, I was pretty embarrassed.”

Yuri stares at me skeptically. “It wasn’t just that, it was the way you spoke. You sounded…terrified. I have never heard you sound like that before.” Yuri continues to stare me down, her knowing gaze making me question if lying to her is a wise decision. Despite this however, I manage to smile and shake my head at her concern.

“Well there’s a reason that they’re called nightmares Yuri, they tend to be pretty scary.” I shrug my shoulders. “I do appreciate you being so concerned about me though.” I give her a smile. “As a certain someone would put it, it’s pretty endearing.” Yuri blushes a bit, as I laugh at her embarrassment. “There it is, I was hoping I could get you to blush like that.”

Yuri smiles and lightly pushes my arm. “Okay, okay enough of that now.” She giggles softly and lets out a sigh. “Maybe I was overthinking it, I’m sorry for bothering you about it.”

I give her a reassuring smile. “You don’t have to apologize.” Yuri smiles genuinely and we begin to eat our lunches. After a while I decide to steer the conversation away from last night. “So I had an idea for this weekend.” Yuri stares for a moment, a light brush creeping across her cheeks.

“Did you now?” Yuri asks in a teasing voice.

I give her a smile. “You know it, how does dinner at Kyoto Kitcho sound?”

Yuri stares at me in bewilderment. “T-that sounds lovely…but isn’t that expensive?” Yuri strokes her hair nervously. “You don’t have to go all out for me, we can go somewhere cheaper.”

I laugh at Yuri’s embarrassment. “Let’s just say I have it covered, besides I’ve been neglecting my promise to you. So I figured this was the best way to make up for it.” I flash Yuri a smile as she taps her fingers on the desk nervously.

“I still think you don’t have to go that far.” Yuri stares at me for a while before sighing. “But if you’re sure, then yes I would love too.” Yuri gives me a genuine smile that damn near stops my heart right then and there.

“Great, does Saturday night work for you?” I ask.

Yuri nods her head. “That would be just fine.”

We finish the remainder of our lunches before the lunch bell rings. As I pack my things I turn back to Yuri. “So I’ll meet you at your house tomorrow night?”

Yuri shyly looks away before speaking. “Actually if I may ask, can you meet me at the bus stop next to my house?” Yuri asks timidly.

I stare at her in confusion. “I can do that, is there any specific reason why?”

Yuri laughs to herself. “I’ll explain it to you tomorrow night, but it is okay with you right?”

I nod my head in agreement. “Yeah, it’s fine. I’ll see you at the club then.”

Yuri gives me a small smile. “See you later.”

I enter the clubroom after the final bell rings and find everybody in their usual spots. Just another day. I greet Monika, who politely greets me back and wave towards Natsuki, who’s sitting in the closet, she returns my greeting with her middle finger towards the sky dragging a chuckle out of me. I proceed to sit next to Yuri and begin to pull out the third novel in the dark tower series, _The Waste Lands._ Yuri however hesitates to begin reading. “Is something wrong?” I ask her curiously.

“The others were asking me about my doctor visit yesterday.” Yuri replies in a hushed tone.

I nod my head in understanding. “And what did you tell them?”

Yuri nervously strokes her hair. “That I would explain everything to them when everybody’s here.”

I stare at Yuri for a moment. “Are you sure? You don’t have to tell them right away.”

Yuri gives me a nervous albeit polite smile. “No, it’s about time I told them the truth. They’re my best friends, they deserve to know what I’ve been hiding from them.” Yuri takes a calming breath and gains a determined expression on her face. A rare sight for someone as timid and soft-spoken as Yuri.

I smile at her new found confidence. “Well if you’re sure, then I won’t stop you. Just remember what I told you the other day okay? Just give them time to process the information, things will go back to normal after a while.” I place my hand on Yuri’s to comfort her. Her blush deepens but she smiles none the less.

“Thank you.” She whispers.

After a few minutes Yuri motions for everyone to arrange the desks in a circular formation. Once everyone takes their seats Yuri stands. She wrings her hands nervously and utters a few false starts. She begins to take calming breaths to steady her nerves. I take a quick glance at the others. Monika is giving Yuri her full attention, though I can see that she is concerned about the topic of discussion. She is awfully perceptive and no doubt suspects that Yuri’s absence yesterday was more than just a doctor appointment. Natsuki on the other hand appears to be growing impatient. On any other day she would no doubt speak up about Yuri’s hesitation. Due to last week’s events however, she thankfully remains silent. I focus my attention back to Yuri and we briefly make eye contact. I give her a reassuring smile and nod my head. She smiles to herself and takes another breath before speaking.

Yuri begins to explain her reasoning for her absence. She timidly goes over everything, her anxiety, her panic attacks, her unorthodox method of coping with said panic attacks. Her quivering voice steadies over time but she still chokes on a few words, though it’s more from emotion than nervousness. She slowly begins to roll up her sleeve, Monika and Natsuki recoil in horror while I simply stare in silence. I take note of the other girls reaction. Monika is staring in disbelief, tears are forming in her eyes as the information slowly sinks in. Natsuki is staring with wide eyes, though she stares for only a moment before looking away. Though I can’t see her entire face, her shoulders are trembling and I can see just the faintest of tears falling down her cheek. Yuri begins to explain how I caught her in the act, how I didn’t relent on my encouragement, how I finally convinced her to get help. She thankfully left out how exactly I convinced her to get professional help. Monika stares at me for a moment before smiling at me. I smile back at her as Yuri finishes her speech.

The room is dead silent, nobody says a word for what feels like an eternity. Finally Monika speaks up in a shaky voice. “Yuri, thank you for trusting us with this information. It must have been hard for you.” Yuri wipes her eyes and nods her head. Monika gives her a smile and looks my way. “And thank you Kris, for making sure she got the help she needed.” I simply smile and nod my head at her.

Natsuki makes eye contact with Yuri. Yuri gives her a smile and Natsuki bites her lip nervously. “I’m…sorry for the way I treated you the other day. If…if I had known what you were going through…” Natsuki takes a steadying breath, suppressing the oncoming tears. “I wouldn’t have been such a bitch.” Natsuki refuses to look in Yuri’s direction, yet Yuri moves towards Natsuki and embraces her. Hesitant at first, Natsuki returns the embrace. After a moment the two separate and Natsuki quickly wipes her eyes with her sleeve.

Yuri lets out a sigh. “If I may, I have a request for you two.” Monika and Natsuki wait patiently for Yuri to speak. “I know what I said is a bit shocking, but if it’s not too much trouble…” Yuri trails off, her nerves getting the better of her. She tries to speak but no words come out. Her blush deepens and she takes a few breaths to calm herself. I get up from my desk and place my hand on her shoulder, taking her spot in front of the others. Yuri gives me a grateful smile and sits down.

“What Yuri is trying to say is, she doesn’t want to be treated any differently because of this.” I let out a small laugh. “I know it’s a lot to take in, but the last thing she needs is to be treated like she’s made of glass.” Monika and Natsuki nod their heads in understanding.

“Well of course we won’t act differently around her, you think I can be all polite like this every day? Yeah, no thanks.” Natsuki declares. I smile gratefully at her and turn towards Monika.

Monika smiles politely at me and looks towards Yuri. “You won’t be treated any differently Yuri, I promise.”

Yuri smiles in relief and the tension that previously enveloped the room has all but vanished. Monika ends the club meeting shortly afterwards, wishing all of us to have a great weekend. Yuri and I begin our walk home. Stopping just shy of Yuri’s house I tell her goodnight and she does the same. “I’ll let you know when I’m on my way tomorrow night.” I tell her as she walks to her front door. Yuri smiles at me. “I look forward to it.” Yuri says. She enters her house as I begin to make my way home.

Later that night I descend the stairs to join my parents for dinner. We sit in relative silence. Mom is just as quiet as she was this morning, she doesn’t try to make conversation. I glance at Dad and find him barely conscious. Lately he’s been showing up home drunker than usual, while that’s nothing too surprising, he is barely able to keep his head up tonight. After a few close calls of him falling into his food, Mom gently shakes his shoulder and urges him to go to bed. He scowls in annoyance and slaps her hand away. It takes everything I have to not flip the table on top of him, but he eventually gets up and stumbles towards the bedroom. Mom wordlessly gets up and puts away his food and plate. I can’t tell if I should be grateful or worried about his constant drunken state as of late. On one hand he’s a hell of a lot quieter and falls asleep much earlier. The more time he isn’t around mom and I the better. On the other hand, what will happen if he has one of his angry spells while intoxicated, will he be more tame than usual or will he be even worse than ever. I shrug the thought away and begin helping mom with the dishes. I kiss her on the cheek good night and head upstairs to go to sleep.

_March 9, 2019_

I awaken from my third attempt at a nap, like every night I slept for a total of a few hours at best. Not wanting to appear exhausted for the date with Yuri, I try to take a nap during the day, unsurprisingly however I awaken in sweat each time. Giving up on the third attempt I begin to prepare for tonight. After a fresh shower, I begin to get dressed for the occasion. I’m grateful for the chance to wear something else than my school uniform, it gets old wearing the same thing every day after all. I slip into some dark jeans and a black button up shirt, with a pair of dress boots. Nothing too fancy but a far cry from my otherwise bland selection of shirts and gym shorts. Yuri has sent me several texts today, finalizing the time we should meet, how dressed up she should be, insisting on more than one occasion to help with the bill, which I obviously declined. I glance at the time and see that it is almost 7:00 PM. I gather the money mom lent me and descend the stairs. Mom gives me a smile and hugs me as I try to leave. After she tries to fix a loose strand of hair for the third time, she finally gives up and tells me to have a great night. I thank her again for the money and begin to head towards the bus stop next to Yuri’s house.

I arrive at the bus stop and shoot Yuri a quick text telling her of my arrival. She sends a thumbs up and I wait patiently. The March air is more mild than previous months but even so the night air sends chills through my body. I silently berate myself for not bringing a jacket and settle for shoving my hands in my pocket. Excluding the cold air though, the night is perfect. The skies are clear and the moon is casting it’s ethereal glow on the world. I hear footsteps approaching from my left, I turn and see Yuri making her way over, and for the second time in two days I feel my heart skip a beat. Her long hair is tied back into a bun, with a lock falling down over both of her shoulders. She is wearing a long sleeve black shirt with a small black jacket over it, a skirt that falls just above the knees exposing her long, elegant legs to the world, topped off with a pair of high heels making her match my height. The ethereal glow of the moonlight accentuates her beauty to the point of what can only be described as super natural. A ghost under the light if you will. She stops in front of me, a slight blush creeping onto her face, no doubt from my staring.

“Wow.” I whisper, causing Yuri’s blush to deepen.

“I-I’m sorry if it was a bit much, i-I wasn’t s-sure how dressed up y-you were going to be.” Yuri replies nervously.

I snap out of my trance and smile at her. “It’s perfect.”

Yuri looks away shyly, though a ghost of a smile is present on her face. I extend my arm towards her. “Shall we go my dear.” I say in an over the top gentlemen’s voice getting a giggle out of her. She takes it and slips her arm into mine and we make our way to the bus stop. The bus arrives shortly afterwards and we make some small talk on the way to the restaurant. Yuri was a bit stiff at first, but during the course of the bus ride she slowly loosened up. Before I knew it she was smiling and cracking jokes. Her timid personality taking a backseat for the night as we rapidly approached our destination.

At home Mom sits at the dinner table in silence as Dad stumbles onto the chair. They begin to eat and after a few minutes he looks across the table and notices my absence. “Where’s he at?” Dad asks.

Mom finishes her bite before responding. “He went out on a date tonight.” She replies.

Dad raises an eyebrow. “A date? I didn’t know he was seeing anybody.”

“Well this is their first one and I have only seen her once. You were at work at the time.”

Dad remains silent for a while, he goes to take a bite before a thought crosses his mind. “So how was he taking this chick on a date? Where did he get the money for that?” Mom tenses up and puts her fork down gently. “I-I lent him some money.” She replies in a quiet tone.

Dad lets out a laugh. “Of course you did.” He says rolling his eyes. “You remember what I told you the other day? People are getting laid off so we need to start saving some money just in case.” Dad gives her a hard stare but Mom refuses to look up from her plate. “How much?”

“W-What?” Mom asks meekly.

“How much?” Dad asks in an even, dangerous tone. Mom keeps staring at her plate and doesn’t reply. After a moment Dad bangs his fist on the table making her jump. “HOW MUCH!” he roars.

“Ten thousand.” Mom whispers.

“What?” Dad waits for her to speak up but she remains silent. “GODDAMNIT WOMAN SPEAK THE FUCK UP!”

“Ten thousand!” She exclaims.

Dad stares in bewilderment before letting out a long laugh, as if she had just told him the funniest joke he’s ever heard. “Are you fucking stupid? The bastard doesn’t need ten thousand to feed and fuck some chink bitch!”

“Don’t talk like that about your own son!” Mom yells.

Dad stands up in rage and throws his plate against the wall, he stumbles slightly but manages to stand upright and tower over Mom. “Fucking raise your goddamn voice at me again woman, you have done nothing but let that bastard run all over you, it’s no wonder he doesn’t know any fucking manners.” Mom stands up to Dad and stares him down.

“Don’t. Talk. About. My. Son. Like. That.” She hisses, enunciating every word with a pointed finger to his chest. Dad glares at her in a rage, his gaze drunken and dangerous. Mom’s outburst the final straw for the drunken pig, he raises his hand at her.

We arrive at the restaurant and are taken to our table by the hostess. After being seated we select our drinks for the night and quickly go over the menu. We order our food and thank the waiter as he disappears into the bustling kitchen. We sit in silence for a moment before a thought crosses my mind. “You never said why we needed to meet at the bus stop rather than your house by the way.” I ask curiously.

Yuri smiles slightly before replying. “Well if I’m being perfectly honest, if my father knew I was going on a date he would have said no sooo…” Yuri trails off as I stare in horror.

“You’re going to get me killed, you know that right?”

Yuri laughs. “Only if you’re caught.” She says in a teasing tone. I shake my head at her.

“So what did you tell him?”

“Well…I said I was going to hang out with one of my club members and that they were paying for it.” Yuri says in an innocent tone.

I stare at her in disbelief. “And he didn’t question who it was?” I ask.

Yuri shakes her head. “Nope, as much as he knows the club only has female members.” Yuri puts her finger to her lips in a hushing motion. “It will be our little secret.” She says in a teasing tone.

“You scare me sometimes, you know that right?”

Yuri feigns innocence. “It wasn’t a lie necessarily. I was technically telling the truth. You are a member of the club after all.”

I laugh at her deception skills. “I’m still shocked he let you out of the house in the first place.”

Yuri rolls her eyes. “Trust me, he still gave me a hard time. He insisted on having me empty my purse and pockets just in case.” Yuri lets out a sigh in annoyance.

I give her a sympathetic smile. “He’s only doing it because he cares, if anything you should be grateful he let you go out at all.”

Yuri smiles slightly. “I know, I’m not actually mad. It’s just weird having him so involved in everything all of a sudden.” Yuri lapses into silence.

“Sorry if this is too personal, but how did he not know about your….condition?” I hesitantly ask.

Yuri smiles sadly at me. “We aren’t exactly close, he works a bunch as well and…well let’s just say I’m not just a recluse in school.” I nod my head in understanding.

“What about your mom?”

Yuri smiles weakly. “She died when I was four.” I mentally kick myself for asking the question. “I’m sorry Yuri, I had no idea.” Yuri shakes her head at me. “It’s alright, you didn’t know. Besides it’s not like I really knew her anyway. My Father took it the hardest, especially as I grew older. I began to look more and more like her, he didn’t say anything of course but I could tell it bugged him just how much I resembled her.” Yuri lets out a laugh. “And acted like her.”

I smile at her. “Let me guess, she was a bookworm as well?” I ask.

Yuri giggles. “More than that, she was an author.”

I let out a laugh. “Well that explains everything then.”

“Yeah, I guess you could say I got my love of literature from her.” Yuri smiles sadly. “If I’m being honest, reading her books is the only way I felt close to her you know? She just had this way of writing that spoke to me. I still find time to re-read some of her novels.” Yuri takes a breath before smiling at me. “But enough about that, what do your parents do?” Yuri asks.

“Well my Mom doesn’t work so she just takes care of the house and stuff. My Dad is the one that works.”

“Yeah I met your Mother, she seemed like a sweet woman.” Yuri pauses for a moment. “I haven’t met your Father though, you said his work was the reason your family moved to Japan?” Yuri asks.

I nod my head. “Yeah, that was the reason.” I fall silent for a moment, I wasn’t expecting Yuri to ask questions about Him. The less Yuri knows about Him the better. For now at least.

“Kris?” Yuri’s voice breaks me out of my train of thought.

“What?”

“I asked you a question.” Yuri says half laughing. “I said, how does he like being in Japan?”

_He hates it here._ I bite back the immediate response and force a smile. “He likes it I suppose, though admittedly he wasn’t too happy about moving.”

My discomfort must be showing because Yuri’s facial expression shifts to one of concern. “I’m sorry if I’m asking too many questions. You just don’t talk about your Father very often.”

I stare sadly at Yuri. “Let’s just say there’s a reason for that.” I let out a sigh and smile at Yuri. “I’m sorry Yuri, don’t take this the wrong way. It’s nothing you did, we just don’t get along very well.” Or at all really. I let out a laugh. “I just don’t want to ruin the night.” Yuri nods her head in understanding.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was a sore subject for you.” Yuri says sympathetically.

I reach over and gently squeeze her hand, getting a blush out of her. “Don’t be, it’s not your fault.” We fall into an admittedly awkward silence for a bit. Though we quickly begin to talk about other things, hobbies, the club, and as the night goes on, my experience growing up in a foreign country.

“…Was it not alienating?”

I smile at Yuri as I push away my empty plate. “At first yes, it was pretty weird. Mainly the language barrier. Though I was only here for six months before I met Sayori at the park.” I begin to recount the days Sayori and I spent at the park. Including her expedition in the sandbox. Yuri laughs herself to tears at the story.

“That sounds just like Sayori.” She says in between laughs.

“Yeah, if anything she was the reason I became so comfortable here in the first place.”

“Do you miss it?” Yuri asks.

“Miss what?”

“The United States?”

I shrug my shoulders. “Meh, I was pretty young so I don’t have many memories of the place. I haven’t been back since then so not really.”

“Would you ever consider moving back?” Yuri asks.

I smile at her. “Nah, if anything it would be the same scenario as when I was a kid. A whole new culture to get used to. I wouldn’t mind visiting though, being able to speak and read English is a bonus as well.” I let out a laugh. “That was another thing, did you know that the English alphabet only has 26 letters.” I shake my head in annoyance. “Learning the Kanji characters was a nightmare for me.” Yuri laughs at my torture.

The waiter returns offering desert which we politely refuse. He proceeds to leave the check which I hastily grab so Yuri can’t see how much everything cost. I discreetly pay for the food as she pouts in her chair. Before long we are back on the bus heading towards Yuri’s house.

We exit the bus and step out into the frigid night and I begin to walk Yuri home. Yuri is clinging to my arm again, slightly shivering against the cold and I kick myself mentally a second time for not bringing a damn jacket. We reach her house within minutes, all of the lights save for the front porch light, are off. We remain standing in front of her door, the only noise being the steady sounds of our breathing, puffing like smoke in the night. Yuri smiles at me. “Thank you for tonight, I had a great time.”

I smile back at her. “Thank you for accompanying me.” I reply in my over the top gentlemen’s voice dragging a giggle out of her. We stand for a moment before Yuri steps forward to embrace me. I return it and the all too familiar scent of lavender overwhelms my senses. This time though her face is level with mine due to her heels. She breaks the embrace but doesn’t widen the distance between us. The ethereal light of the moon shines onto her pale skin, reflecting off of her rich brown eyes. The ever present blush on her cheeks deepen in color but she remains close to me. In fact the distance between us is slowly decreasing. The same dizzying feeling washes over me for the third time, however I don’t plan on wasting the moment. I close the distance and kiss Yuri. She is startled for a moment but passionately returns the kiss. It feels like lightning is coursing through my body and my heart feels like it’s about to give out. Well it’s not the worst way to die I suppose. Like everything though the moment doesn’t last forever and I break the kiss. Yuri blinks a few times as if she is coming out of a trance. Her blush is as deep as ever but the smile on her face is genuine. I gently caress her cheek and plant another kiss on her lips. “I’ll see you on Monday Yuri.” I whisper. Yuri simply nods her head and turns to her door. She glances back at me and smiles shyly before entering her house. I stand dumbstruck for a few moments before stumbling my way home. Hoping that this wasn’t some dream.

I quietly enter my house and find Dad passed out on the chair. Rolling my eyes I switch the TV off and begin to head towards the stairs but notice the kitchen light is on. I peek inside and find Mom sitting at the table. Her hands are on her face and she is taking deep breaths. “Mom?” I ask in a concerned tone. She noticeably jumps in her chair but doesn’t make eye contact. I cautiously approach her and place my hand on her shoulder, oddly making her jump again, as if she’s afraid of me hitting her. Somethings wrong. I gently lower her hands from her face and make her look me in the eye. Her lip is busted and the early signs of bruising are beginning to show. An overwhelming sense of rage courses through my body and I stomp towards the living room, ignoring my Moms pleas to let it go.

I approach the chair and kick His legs. “Wake up!” I yell. Dad grunts but doesn’t even open his eyes. In a rage I slap him as hard as I can. “WAKE UP YOU FUCKIG BASTARD!” Mom grabs my arm to stop me but I shove her off. I grab him by the collar of his shirt and put my face to his. His eyes barely open, he groans and falls back to sleep. Whatever he took or drank has him messed up beyond belief. I shake him violently to try and wake him up. “WAKE UP YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! I WANT YOU TO LOOK ME IN THE FUCKING EYE AS I KNOCK YOUR GODDAMN TEETH OUT!” I scream until my voice becomes hoarse but he simply grunts, his eyes open slightly but roll into the back of his head and close again. I drop him back onto the chair and punch him across the face. I go for another one but mom grabs my arm and stops me.

“Stop it! Please just stop it!” She begs.

I squirm out of her grasp and look at my father. I feel tears falling down my face as I grab his collar again. “WHAT DID WE DO? WHAT DID WE DO TO GET STUCK WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU!” A barely audible mumble is his only response. He isn’t going to wake anytime soon. I drop him onto the chair and turn towards mom in rage. “Why? Why do you put up with this? Why do you let him do this to you?” I ask desperately.

She stares at me sadly. “H-he wasn’t always like this, it’s not his fault.” I roll my eyes at her excuses. “He worked hard to get the job he had, he doesn’t want to lose it.”

“That doesn’t excuse the past thirteen years of our lives! He’s always been like this! You have an excuse for that?”

Mom rubs the tears out of her eyes. “He had a hard life, there’s a reason we don’t talk with his family.”

I shake my head at her. “And that just excuses his behavior? The amount of pain he’s inflicted on us? The goddamn torture he puts you through on a daily basis? What did you do tonight, Huh? What did you do to deserve this fucking pigs rage?” I ask.

Mom lowers her head and quietly speaks. “I lent you money without asking.”

I stare at her in disbelief. “That’s it? That was the reason?” She doesn’t reply. I pace the room in rage. “One of these days you’re going to have to stick up for yourself. You can do so much better than him, why can’t you see that?” Mom still doesn’t respond, she simply stares down at the floor in shame. Years of emotional abuse has made her dependent, made her feel like she’s truly useless without him. I shake my head at her in disbelief. I get close to her and speak in a flat, dangerous tone. “If he ever, EVER, touches you again, I will fucking kill him. I swear to God I will cave his fucking skull in.” Without another word I ascend the stairs and slam my door shut.

I collapse onto my bed and sob into my pillow, lacking the energy to hold back my emotions anymore. Why? Why is it that whenever something good happens, he finds a way to ruin it. I shouldn’t have asked her for money. What the fuck was I thinking? I punch the wall in rage. It was such a perfect night, a perfect night that ended so damn poorly. I take a few moments to compose myself before shedding my clothes and changing into more casual attire. Plugging my charger into my phone, I flop onto my bed and stare blankly at the uncaring ceiling, as I slowly fall into yet another restless sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

_“Dreams_

_Of promises I made_

_To no one but myself_

_Have been_

_Crushed daily!”_

_March 23, 2019_

With the passing of Vernal Equinox Day, the slow transition from winter to spring started to blossom. The once frigid nights and mornings began to slowly transition to more moderate temperatures. The threat of ice and snow was replaced with the promise of rain and flowers. Spring is supposed to be a season of rebirth, of new beginnings. Where we begin to shed the frigid, cold shackles of the previous year to make way for the blooming promise of a new day. Even though Yuri and I have grown incredibly close during this time, I’m still trapped in the past, in fact it has gotten worse. I can barely look my Dad in the eye anymore, every word that comes out of his mouth damn near drives me to a blind, uncontrollable rage. Every night he stumbles into the doorway, completely smashed beyond belief even though he is supposedly just coming home from work. He’s even been mixing pills with his alcohol, resulting in him passing out in every place imaginable, even in his own dinner plate. I want to let him know what I think of him, I want to show him the pain he’s causing, and I want to return that pain to him tenfold. Unfortunately that is a fools dream, every snarky remark, every insult I direct towards him, they are all deflected and turned against mom. The coward refuses to stand up to somebody who’s not afraid of him, so he preys on the weak, the one who has never fought him, the one who still believes the man she married is still alive and well, blatantly ignoring the fact that the man she once knew has been dead a long time, this thing is a parasite wearing the skin of someone she loved. Yet she continues to hope that things will go back to normal, I don’t see what she’s trying to accomplish, for as long as I’ve been around, he has always been like this. It’s gotten worse sure, but he was never a good man, nor a good father.

The continuous exhaustion from the nightmares combined with being forced to walk on eggshells in my own home is steadily draining the life out of me. I lay flat on my bed, staring at nothing as time slowly ticks by. The fear of the nightmares serving as a proper deterrent, forcing me to stay awake despite the desperate pleas from my sleep deprived mind. My mundane train of thought is interrupted by a text message sounding off from my phone. I smile at the sound, knowing who it is without having to look. I fumble for my phone on my nightstand and check the message. _“I am on my way, I’ll be there in a few.”_ I smile at her message before shooting a quick reply. _“Okay, See you soon.”_ While Yuri and I haven’t really gone on anymore extravagant dates like Kyoto Kitcho, mainly because I will never make the mistake of borrowing money from mom again, we still find time to hang out together. Yuri is a simple person, it doesn’t matter if we are eating at an amazing restaurant, walking around the downtown area, or simply reading books of all things, she always seems to have a good time. Yuri made it clear that she never really went out and did stuff with others, and it brings me a tinge of satisfaction knowing that I’m able to provide that for her. I just wish I didn’t have to lie to her all the time. She knows something is wrong, but she also knows that I’m not willing to talk about it. Still though, seeing the look of disappointment on her face when I deflect her concerns pains me. She just wants to help and in a way I admire that about her, but she can’t help me. She is still trying to help herself, how could I dump my problems onto her when she has only just now started improving herself. No, she doesn’t need that sort of burden, I know all too well what it feels like. Despite all of it though, she still manages to put a genuine smile on my face, she makes all the bullshit that’s going on worth it. My train of thought is interrupted again by a soft knock on the door. I stand up and proceed to open it, Yuri is standing timidly in the hallway. Despite the moderate temperature outside, Yuri is still wearing a long sleeve shirt and black leggings. I know better than to ask why however, I can’t imagine how uncomfortable she must be during the summer.

“You just going to stand in my hallway all day, or are you going to come in?” I ask Yuri, flashing her a smile. She lightly rolls her eyes and shoves me aside as she enters the room. I chuckle lightly to myself and shut the door.

Yuri slowly walks the length of the room with her hands behind her back, taking in her surroundings. She sighs in mock disappointment. “I remember a time when chivalry was still alive in this world, I practically had to brute force my way past you.” Yuri says shaking her head sadly.

I scoff at her statement. “Well I’m a believer in equality, I firmly believe every woman has the power and right to let themselves through a door. You don’t need a man to do it for you, that’s what the patriarchy wants you to think.” Yuri’s mask breaks and we both begin to laugh.

“I hate you so much.” Yuri says.

I smile at her. “I hate you too.” I flick her on the nose and proceed to sit down on the bed as she takes a seat on the desk chair.

I switch on my Xbox and begin to scroll though Netflix to find something to watch. Yuri glances around the room for a bit before setting her eyes on the shelves below the TV. Curious, she gets up and begins flipping through the wide selection of games lining the shelf. She pulls out the copy of Metro Exodus and examines the cover curiously. “Wasn’t this the book we read earlier this year?” Yuri asks.

I go over towards her and indicate the other two Metro games, 2033 and Last Light. “Yeah, in fact the book was turned into a popular game trilogy. If anything the games made the book even more popular, at least that’s how I found out about it.”

Yuri examines the other two games, a thoughtful expression spreading across her face. “So do they share the same sort of themes explored in the novel?”

“Of course, if anything they express the themes more effectively in the games than the actual novel itself.”

Yuri looks at me skeptically. “Yeah, I find that hard to believe.” Yuri says in a dismissive tone.

“It’s true, don’t tell me you’re one of those people that don’t think games can tell a good story?” I say.

Yuri shrugs her shoulders in indifference. “I’m sure they can, but I fail to see how an action packed game can convey dark themes and story elements better than a novel.”

I let out a light laugh. “It’s simple really, a novel can describe what’s happening in great detail, but a game can not only show you what’s happening, but it also lets you have an impact on the story gameplay wise. It’s one thing to tell you that the dark ones are not actually evil, and that you wiping them out was pretty much an act of genocide. But it’s another thing entirely when it gives you the choice to either wipe them out or spare them, not to mention you don’t see the consequences of your actions until it’s already too late.”

Yuri stares for a moment before giggling to herself. “You’re such a nerd.” She says.

“That’s rich coming from you.” I remark in a teasing tone.

“Well you do make a compelling argument I suppose.” Yuri opens the case to Metro 2033. “Well then oh connoisseur of storytelling, show me what all the fuss is about.” Yuri hands me the disc and I simply shrug my shoulders.

“If that’s what you want, just be warned, I’m not responsible for the addiction you’re about to get. So don’t blame me when you’re love for literature is put to the test.” Yuri simply rolls her eyes at me as the game loads.

While skeptical at first, Yuri noticeably becomes engaged as the campaign progresses. While the graphics are a bit outdated in today’s standards, the design of the post-apocalyptic setting catches Yuri’s attention, along with the various European cultures represented in the games narrative. Even down to the design of the various beasts that roam the radiated wastelands and the tension they create when encountering them. While I rub in the fact that I was right, it’s still an interesting sight. My hobby is something I usually don’t share since some see it as a waste of time, I’m glad to see Yuri has an open mind at least. Even with her just watching we manage to have a good time, making small talk during the quieter sections of the campaign, that is until I hear the front door slam shut.

The sound echoes throughout the house and makes Yuri jump. Years of experience with that sound normally doesn’t get a reaction out of me, but today it’s different. He’s supposed to be at work, why is he here?

“Is everything okay?” Yuri asks, no doubt noticing my concerned expression.

I look at her and let out a sigh before switching off the Xbox and standing up. “Yuri, I hate to cut this short, but you have to go.” I stand up and begin heading towards the door to escort her out.

“Wait, what happened?” Yuri asks, the concern in her voice is quite notable.

I simply shake my head and grab her hand. “I’ll tell you another time, just right now you have to go.” As I try to explain to Yuri, I can hear my Dad’s angry voice echo up the stairs. I grit my teeth in annoyance and practically drag Yuri down the stairs, hoping he doesn’t see us on the way out. Like everything though, this plan goes south, as we practically run into him.

“Who the fuck is this?” Dad asks in a slurred voice, the stench of alcohol overwhelms my sense of smell.

Yuri smiles nervously. “You must be Kris’s Father, my name is Yuri it…” I cut her off and begin ushering her towards the door as my dad’s angry, drunken voice echoes behind me.

“We speak English in this house you fucking bitch!” I bite back my immediate anger, thanking whatever cruel entity is watching that Yuri doesn’t understand English.

Yuri is noticeably confused and a bit frightened. “What’s wrong? Why won’t you tell me what’s happening.” Yuri asks as we head towards the front door. I can hear both of my parents voices behind me, as Dad begins to yell even louder. I let out a long sigh.

“Yuri, I’m sorry, I’ll explain later. But right now you have to go. Please.” Yuri goes to retort but stops herself. She stares for a moment as the yelling grows louder and the sound of smashing glass emanates from the kitchen. A look of fear spreads across her face but she eventually nods her head.

“Okay, just please text me okay?” I give her the best reassuring smile I can muster and hug her goodbye. As soon as I shut the door I spin around in rage and head towards the kitchen.

Mom is trying to sweep up the broken plate but Dad grabs the broom and chunks it across the kitchen in rage. He paces the kitchen angrily. “Don’t lie to me! I see the way you’re looking at me. You think I’m some fucking failure now don’t you?” He yells.

“Of course I don’t. I would never think that.” Mom replies weakly.

“Hey!” I yell across the room. He turns towards me in rage but my temper refuses to ease up. “The hell are you doing here? Don’t you have a job to be at? It’s bad enough we have to deal with your shit at night!” I exclaim furiously.

Dad flares his nostrils in rage and laughs. “Well get used to it, I fucking got laid off.” Dad lets out a bitter laugh. “You know what that means? No more taking that whore out on expensive dates!” He roars.

I step towards him and get right in his face, my temper getting the best of me. Mom tries to pry us apart but she would have better luck parting the Red Sea at this point. “Shut your fucking mouth you disgusting piece of shit.” I say in a dangerous tone.

“Who the hell do you think you’re talking to boy? HUH!” He screams.

I don’t back down, the words flow freely. “I think I’m talking to a drunken pig of a man, one that probably got fired due to being drunk on the job.” I poke his chest with my index finger. “One that gets a kick out of beating his wife.” His eyes go wide after I say this. I let out an angry laugh. “Yeah, I know about that. Does it make you feel like a big man, to beat on someone weaker than you? You’re the sorriest excuse of a human being I’ve ever seen. YOU ARE A FUCKING DISGRACE!” I scream as loud as I can in his face, earning me a hard slap.

I stumble back but get my bearings as mom grabs hold of his arm, begging him to stop. He shoves her aside, knocking her onto the floor. This being the final straw, I close the distance between us and deck him as hard as I can across the jaw. He stumbles back and falls face first towards the counter, his balance being thrown off due to both the force of the punch and his intoxicated state.

He remains hunched over the counter as I walk towards him. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. It’s easy to be a big man when somebody doesn’t fight back!” I grab him by the back of the collar and go to turn him around. “You are never going to lay another hand on he…” I’m cut off by a sudden explosion of pain erupting on the side of my head. My ears begin to ring and my vision blurs as I stumble backwards and fall onto my hands and knees. The ringing sound in my ears is intense and my vision is spinning and blurry as I try to focus on Dad. In his hand is a shattered bottle and I slowly feel the side of my head and find my hand stained with blood. I can see Mom jump on his back and start punching the back of his head but he easily throws her off and continues towards me. I try to stand but the intense pain and dizziness makes me fall back to the ground. I feel the air forcefully leave my lungs as he kicks me in the ribs. He kicks again, knocking me onto my side, every breath causing a sharp pain to emanate from my side. I look up helplessly as he continues to scream at me. His voice doesn’t cut through the constant ringing in my ears and he goes for a third kick, however he suddenly falls limp onto the floor and I see Mom standing above him with a frying pan. She drops the pan and kneels beside me as my vision slowly fades in and out. One second she is slapping me on the cheek trying to get my attention and the next she is standing near the phone speaking urgently.

I slowly prop myself up and lean against the wall as Mom hangs up and kneels in front of me. Tears are falling down her face. The ringing in my ears slowly begins to ease up and the sound of my mom’s sobbing reaches my ears. “I’m okay. I’m okay.” I say trying to reassure her.

“You’re not okay!” Mom exclaims, her hands are trembling as my vision goes dark again for a split second. I jerk my head up and see her in front of me, trying to keep me awake.

“I’m okay.” I say again.

“Goddamnit you’re not okay!” She yells, the tears fall down her face uncontrollably as she begins to sob into my shirt. My vision fades out again and I jerk awake.

Why am I on the floor? I glance around the kitchen in confusion before my eyes land on Mom. She is sobbing into my shirt, which is stained with blood for some reason. “Why are you crying?” I ask, she looks at me in horror and tries desperately to keep her composure. “He didn’t hurt you again did he?” Mom tries to speak but the only sound that comes out is a weak croak as I gently wipe a tear away from her cheek. “I don’t know why you put up with him, you shouldn’t let him see you like this. He could come home from work any minute now.” I say in a soothing voice. I feel my vision begin to blacken again as the sound of the front door jolts me awake. A group of paramedics and police officers rush into the house. Immediately the paramedics usher Mom away. She isn’t hurt is she? Why are they here? A dizzying sensation overwhelms me as the paramedics lay me down and stabilize my head and neck. I black out again.

Lisa desperately explains the scenario to the officers as the paramedics tend to her son. A groaning sound comes from Jeremy as he wakes up off the floor. “What the hell?” He mutters to himself. He immediately hisses in pain and rubs the back of his head. His eyes land on Lisa and a look of rage spreads across his face. “You fucking bitch!” He lunges at her but is immediately tackled. The officers begin to handcuff him and escort him outside. Once the paramedics have me secured on a stretcher they begin to carefully navigate out of the house. A small crowd is gathered around the neighborhood as the police establish a perimeter. As Lisa begins to head towards the ambulance a familiar voice calls out above the sounds of the crowd. “Lisa!” Mrs. Aimoto calls out. She and her husband approach as they begin to load me into the ambulance. “What happened to him?” Mrs. Aimoto asks in a concerned tone.

Lisa simply shakes her head. “I don’t have time to explain, I have to go with them.” Lisa says, trying desperately to keep her composure.

Mrs. Aimoto nods her head in understanding. “Okay, just let us know what hospital you go to and we will be there okay?” Lisa simply nods her head and follows the paramedics to the ambulance.

I awaken on my back, I’m being wheeled out towards an ambulance. I can’t really turn my head but I hear the familiar voice of Sayori’s Mom. My stretcher is suddenly lowered and I’m loaded into an ambulance as Mom takes a seat next to me. I turn towards her. “Hey, don’t let Sayori see me like this okay? She will be worried sick if she saw me go into an ambulance.” Mom looks at me in horror and stifles a sob as I feel my consciousness begin to fade. Why is she crying. Did he hurt her again? I won’t let him hurt you anymore, I swear. My vision darkens as I lose consciousness.


	16. Chapter 16

_“Don’t lend me your hand_

_I can’t trust myself_

_So how can you trust me?”_

"Yuri, I'm sorry, I'll explain later. But right now you have to go. Please!” I try to retort but stop myself. The look on Kris’s face is a mixture of emotions. Anger, desperation, these alone would be cause for concern, but the one that worries me the most is the look of fear in his eyes. Whatever is happening in there, it’s scaring him, and in turn is scaring me as well.

I let out a sigh in defeat. “Okay, just please text me okay?” I ask nervously. Kris gives me a forced smile and embraces me. His rapid heartbeat is thudding rhythmically against my chest. The sound of broken glass emanates behind him and for a moment his grip tightens, as if he’s afraid to let go. Kris breaks the hug and with a pained smile shuts the door behind him, leaving me to stand outside in confusion.

I reluctantly turn around and head towards home. The day’s events play through my mind over and over as I try and make sense of it all. What the hell even happened? Was it something I did? The look of blind anger on his Father’s face sends a shiver down my spine. Was I not supposed to be over? His Mother was okay with my presence so that can’t be the reason. I recall the conversation we had a couple of weeks ago. When I asked about his Father, Kris would close up. I could see a distant look in his eyes that night, the pained expression on his face, the way he dismissed the questions entirely. _"I'm sorry Yuri, don't take this the wrong way. It's nothing you did, we just…don't get along very well."_ I stop in my tracks as a sudden realization hits me. Is he being abused by his Father? The thought is a scary one but at the same time the logic has some flaws. Kris doesn’t show the signs of physical abuse, he doesn’t react in a negative way when Natsuki punches him, someone who is being physically abused would most certainly flinch or at the very least react negatively to being swung at, but Kris always takes it in stride. The same goes for his behavior, he’s always in a good mood and is constantly cracking jokes to lighten up the atmosphere. I shake the thoughts out of my head and continue my walk home. I’ll just have to ask him when he texts me. This line of thinking brings me some comfort as I enter my house, but the dark, gnawing presence of uncertainty wriggles its way into the back of my mind.

The dying light of the evening slowly vanishes from the world as the moon takes its rightful place into the night sky. I sit on the foot of my bed, anxious, terrified. It’s been four hours and he still hasn’t texted me. I sent him a message three hours ago, and it was never seen. After a few more messages I decide to just call. I bring up Kris’s contact and begin to call his phone. It rings several times but ultimately goes to voice mail. The small presence of uncertainty from earlier has grown considerably. Its dominating presence is overwhelming, suffocating. The all too familiar sense of panic has spread through my body on more than one occasion. I echo the comforting words of my therapist in my head over and over like a mantra. I think about my Father, about Monika, Natsuki, and I think about Kris. My rapid heartbeat slows a bit, but the familiar sense of suffocation refuses to ease up, as if the very walls are trying to close in around me. Despite it all I keep a calm state of mind, deep calming breaths, If I lose my grip I’ll no doubt fall into another panic attack. The sensation slowly fades but the constant worrying in the back of my mind looms over me still. Though I suppose that is a given considering the circumstances. A soft knock echoes from my door and it opens slightly. My Father’s face peers through the crack. “Dinners ready.” He says in a soft voice. I nod my head in affirmation and follow him downstairs.

We begin to eat in silence, though I suppose it would be more accurate to say that he’s eating in silence. I merely toy with the food on my plate, my mind wandering to the day’s events, I just hope he’s okay.

“You feeling alright?” My Father’s voice breaks me out of my train of thought. I give him a smile.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” I reply.

I begin to eat, so that I can ease his worries but I can feel his gaze locked onto me. He lets out a sigh before setting down his fork. “Yuri, you know you’re supposed to talk to me if anything’s wrong right?” I make eye contact and nod my head in affirmation. “I can tell somethings bugging you, so could you please talk to me?” Father asks in a concerned tone.

I let out a sigh. “I’m fine really, it has nothing to do with me anyway. Something happened at my friend’s house today and I’m still trying to make sense of it all.”

He stares at me for a moment. “What do you mean?” He asks.

I let out a nervous laugh. “I’m not even sure to be perfectly honest, all I know is that his parents were arguing and he practically shoved me out the door.”

Father raises an eyebrow curiously. “His parents?” I stammer on a response and begin to focus on my dinner. He chuckles lightly to himself. “Yep, I had a feeling that was the case.”

I can feel heat begin to invade my cheeks as I focus my attention on my dinner plate. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I say, feigning ignorance.

He lets out a laugh. “I had a feeling you were hiding something like that. You never go out and spend time with the other members outside of the club, not to mention how you dressed to go eat dinner with your club members.” I stroke my hair nervously as he continues. “Nobody gets that dressed up unless they want to impress someone.” We fall into an uncomfortable silence, I shift my focus to everything in the dining room but him. Of course he would have found out eventually. The sound of his laughter grabs my attention. “You don’t have to look so guilty Yuri, if anything I’m glad you’re finally getting out of the house.”

I look at my father skeptically. “You’re glad?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “Well, I’m not thrilled that you tried to hide this from me, and I would have wanted to meet this boy so that I could put the fear of God into his soul.” I groan into my hands as he begins to laugh. “But no, I’m not angry about it. You’re eighteen Yuri, you aren’t a child anymore.” He lets out a sigh. “As long as he treats you right, I don’t see an issue.” He stares for a moment. “He does treat you with respect, right?”

I smile slightly to myself. “More than you know.”

I make eye contact with him, he has that facial expression most fathers get when they ask about these kinds of things. It’s a mixture of happiness and skepticism. “Well I would like to meet him, preferably before you two hang out again.” He points an accusing finger at me. “And no more lying about what you’re going out to do, you hear me?” I nod my head and he gives me a smile. “Well we went a bit off topic, what exactly happened today?”

I begin to explain to him the day’s events. How Kris’s father came in and started yelling at everyone. How Kris practically dragged me outside and begged me to just go home. How he promised to text me, and how he still hasn’t contacted me. Father has a concerned look on his face. “His Dad didn’t try and hurt you did he?” He asks sternly.

I shake my head. “No, he didn’t do anything like that. I’m not even sure if he was yelling at me, he was speaking English, for all I know he could have been yelling at Kris.” It sure felt like he was yelling at me though, the stench of alcohol on his breath filling my nostrils. I decide to leave that part out though. I let out a sigh. “I’m probably overthinking it, it’s just not like him to not text back.”

Father thinks it over for a moment before shrugging his shoulders. “Maybe he was grounded, he could have gotten his phone taken away.”

“Maybe.” I say, not entirely convinced.

He puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Stop worrying so much, I’m sure you will see him tomorrow at school. It’s not healthy to worry about things beyond your control.”

I let out a sigh before giving him a smile. “You’re right, I suppose I’m just overthinking all of this.”

He gives me a sad smile. “Just another thing you got from your Mother, I can’t tell you how many times I had a conversation just like this with her.” This drags a smile out of me, Father rarely speaks about her. He pats me on the shoulder and begins to put away his plate. “Now go on and get some sleep, you have to get up early tomorrow.”

I smile at him and place my plate in the sink. I give him a hug goodnight and begin to head back upstairs. Shutting the door behind me, I move towards the nightstand and check my phone for messages. Nothing. Even with my Father’s words of comfort, this feeling of uncertainty refuses to go away. I try and call one last time, just to be sure. He doesn’t answer. I sigh in defeat and set an alarm for the morning. Shedding into my night clothes I crawl into bed, allowing the sweet, gentle embrace of the covers to lull me into an uneasy slumber.

Lisa anxiously paces the waiting room. The day’s events playing through her head over and over again. It’s been a few hours since they arrived. Why haven’t they said anything? The last words her son said to her before passing out send a shiver down her spine. What if it’s permanent. His own Father could have very well crippled him for life. The familiar stinging of tears begin to form in her eyes and she quickly blinks them away. This line of thinking won’t do anybody any good. The sounds of doors opening catch her attention as a doctor begins to head towards her. Lisa’s heart is pounding against her chest.

“Mrs. Thompson?” The doctor asks.

“Y-yes?” Lisa asks nervously.

“I’m doctor Taro, I’m in charge of your sons care.”

“How is he?” Lisa asks desperately.

“Well we were able to remove the shards of glass that were embedded into his head. He needed some stiches for a particularly large cut on the side of his head. I’m afraid that’s going to leave a prominent scar.” Lisa’s chest tightens at the thought. To think her only son was permanently scarred by his own Father. “Thankfully his skull wasn’t fractured and the swelling is going down a bit.”

“What about his brain?” Lisa interrupts. “He wasn’t thinking clearly when we were waiting for the ambulance. He…” Lisa trails off a bit, she takes a shaky breath to steady her nerves. “He was talking about his friend that recently passed away, as if she was still alive.” 

Dr. Taro gives her a reassuring smile. “He’s fine, confusion due to head trauma is a common symptom.” Lisa breathes a heavy sigh of relief as Dr. Taro continues. “ That being said if he starts showing any more signs of confusion or odd behavior please let us know immediately. Just to be on the safe side.” Lisa nods her head in affirmation. “On top of the swelling and stitches, three of his ribs were cracked on his left side but thankfully none of them were broken.” He gives her a reassuring smile. “We want to keep him for an extra day or two, just to be on the safe side, but other than that he should make a full recovery. He will just need to take it easy for a couple of weeks.”

Unable to hold back the tears, Lisa embraces the doctor and sobs into his coat. He pats her on the back. “Thank you, thank you.” Lisa mutters into his coat. Dr. Taro remains silent, he simply lets her cry it all out. After a few moments, Lisa regains her composure. “Am I able to go see him?” She asks.

“Sure, just be warned he’s still unconscious at the moment but he should wake up soon.” Dr. Taro beckons a nurse over. “Please show Mrs. Thompson to her sons room.” The nurse nods her head and beckons Lisa to follow her.

They walk past several doors before the nurse stops in front of one at the end of the hallway. “If you need anything, just signal for a nurse and one will come by.” Lisa nods her head as the nurse begins to walk back down the hallway. Lisa nervously opens the door and has so stifle a sudden sob. Kris’s face is still swollen, his left side in particular is showing the telltale signs of bruising. A large gash with stiches sticking out of it is prominent on the left side of his head, Stretching from the top of his ear all the way to his left eyebrow. The sight combined with the IV tubes sticking out of his arm makes her body go numb. She slowly approaches the hospital bed and takes a seat next to her son. With trembling hands she grabs his hand and kisses it. The only sounds in the room are the steady beeping of the machines and her own rapid breathing. “I’m so sorry.” Lisa whispers to her son. Tears fall freely from her face as she sobs. “I should have left a long time ago, I never wanted you to get hurt.”

Lisa remained in this position for what felt like an eternity. After regaining some composure she pulls out her phone and begins to dial the number belonging to Sayori’s mom. The phone rings a few times before being answered.

“Hello?”

“Aina it’s me, Lisa.”

A soft gasp emanates from the phone. “Oh thank god! How is Kris, is he okay?” Aina asks urgently.

Lisa smiles softly at her concern. “He is expected to make a full recovery…” Lisa trails off a bit before continuing. “But he’s in bad shape, Jeremy really did a number on him.” Just saying his name makes her heart hurt, as if someone is stabbing it.

“We saw him being arrested, how could he do such a thing?” Aina asks, the sound of her quivering voice indicating she is on the verge of tears.

“I wish I knew Aina.” Lisa takes a breath and steers the conversation away from Jeremy. “Anyway can I ask you for a favor?”

“Of course, anything.”

“Could you go into our house and grab some spare clothes for Kris and I. They are saying he needs to stay for at least a couple of days. Could you also lock up the house when you’re done, the key should be under the welcome mat.”

“Of course Lisa, it’s no trouble at all. What hospital are you two at?”

“We are at Oiwa Hospital, room 246.” Lisa smiles gratefully. “Thank you so much Aina.”

“It’s no problem at all, I’ll be there soon.” Aina says, hanging up shortly after.

An hour passes before a soft knock on the door jolts Lisa out of her thoughts. She gets up and opens it, Aina is standing on the other side, a bag slung over her shoulder. She gives Lisa a warm smile, her sapphire eyes shining brilliantly. Aina embraces Lisa tightly and Lisa returns the embrace. “I grabbed a few pairs for the both of you, just in case.” Aina says.

Lisa gives her a grateful smile. “Thank you.”

Aina’s eyes go wide. “Oh! I also found this on the kitchen floor, I’m going to assume he will want it when he wakes up.” Aina fumbles through the bag before pulling out Kris’s phone, a lone crack is present on its screen.

Lisa takes it and shoves it into her purse. “I’m sure he will, thank you.”

Aina glances towards Kris and falls silent, her cheerful expression dropping to one of despair. She walks towards Kris and lovingly caresses his bruised cheek. “I can’t believe somebody could do something like this to such a sweet boy.” Aina’s voice breaks a bit and her shoulders are twitching slightly. Lisa smiles sadly trying her best to repress the tears. Lord knows she cried enough for one day.

Lisa puts a hand on Aina’s shoulder. It’s no surprise Aina would take this hard as well, she always called Kris a part of the family. Not to mention they are still recovering from Sayori’s death. Aina is one of the most kind hearted people Lisa has ever had the pleasure of knowing. “I should have left Jeremy a long time ago, if I had known he would go this far…” Lisa takes a breath trying ever so desperately to hold back the tears.

Aina gives her a sad smile. “Has he been mistreating you for a long time?” Lisa doesn’t answer, she simply nods her head. Aina takes a deep breath and a look of determination spreads across her face. “Well Koya is trying to take over the case. Believe me, he will stop at nothing to make sure Jeremy pays for what he did to your son.” The sudden look of anger and determination on Aina’s face takes Lisa by surprise. Both her and Koya are such soft spoken and loving people, it’s easy to forget that they are professional attorneys and can switch to stern and serious on the drop of a hat.

Lisa smiles gratefully at Aina. “I appreciate it, but I don’t think it will make much of a difference. He’s already ruined his life.” Lisa whispers.

Aina sighs sadly. “Just give him time, he will get over this and we will be there with you. Anytime you need us.”

Lisa smiles sadly and shakes her head. “I appreciate it, but without Jeremy’s wages I can’t afford to keep sending him to his school, or pay the rent for the house.” Lisa tightens her fist in anger. “He may be sent to prison, but he ruined his son’s life. He was so happy here, the happiest I’ve seen him in a long time.” Lisa takes some calming breaths and feels a gentle hand rest on her shoulder.

“Didn’t you used to do secretary work?” Aina asks.

Lisa stares in confusion for a moment. “Y-yes it’s been years, but back in the United States I did some secretary work.” Lisa pauses for a moment. “Why do you ask?”

Aina smiles sincerely at Lisa. “We just might be able to solve you’re financial troubles. We have a position open, and I can think of no one in more dire need of it than you.”

Lisa stares at Aina in bewilderment. “I couldn’t possibly do that. It’s been years, you don’t have to do such a thing…” Lisa is interrupted by Aina’s soft laugh.

“You’re right we don’t have to, but we’re going to.” Aina stares sadly at Kris’s unconscious body. “He’s been in our neighborhood all of his life, that club he’s in is full of really incredible people.” Aina laughs sadly. “I still remember the day Sayori came home and told me that Kris joined her club. She was over the moon.” Tears well up in Aina’s eyes, she quickly blinks them away and continues. “I could not live with myself if I did nothing to help you two. So please take the offer, we will get you back up to speed and start you on the job as soon as you’re able.”

Lisa, unable to hold back the tears, tightly embraces Aina. She sobs softly into her shirt, Aina strokes her back soothingly. “Thank you. I promise I’ll make it up to you.” Lisa croaks.

Aina shakes her head. “You just take care of that young man, he’s been through so much already. The last thing he needs is to be ripped away from his friends.”

Lisa regains her composure and breaks the hug. Aina checks her watch and gives her a polite smile. “Well I better get going, let me know when he gets better okay?”

Lisa wipes her eyes and smiles gratefully. “I will, and thank you, for everything.”

Aina smiles at her. “Anytime.” Aina walks towards Kris and places a kiss on his cheek. “Get better soon.” She whispers softly. She than proceeds to exit the room, leaving Lisa alone with her son.

Lisa slumps into a chair, her mind and body exhausted from the day’s events. She looks towards her son and gently caresses his cheek. “Please wake up soon.” She whispers sadly, her eyes slowly closing as her consciousness slips away.

The blaring sound of my alarm clock jolts me out of my restless sleep. The early morning light is peeking through the slight crack in my curtains. Groggily, I fumble for my phone and shut the alarm off. I take a few moments to gather my bearings and instantly check my phone for any messages….nothing. My chest tightens at the sight and my concern from last night only grows. I can feel the walls begin to close in, I tightly shut my eyes and reassure myself. He will be at school, his phone was taken away that’s all. He was grounded that’s why he hasn’t responded. My breathing slows but the uncertainty in the back of my mind lingers, taunting me with negative thoughts, thoughts that send a shiver down my spine. He’s okay, he has to be. After regaining my composure I enter the restroom and begin to get ready for the school day. The negative thoughts follow me everywhere, to my closet while I pick out my uniform. They follow me into the shower, the rushing sound of water from the shower head barely muffles the mocking tone of the negative thoughts. _He’s not going to be at school today, it was my fault he got in trouble. He’s probably hurt, all because of me._ I shut my eyes tightly and exit the shower, trying desperately to occupy my thoughts, anything to silence my racing mind. I gently comb out the long mass of entangled hair. The soft strokes of the brush gives me something to focus on as I slowly comb all the knots out of my hair, letting it fall down the length of my back. Throwing on my uniform, I descend down stairs and begin to prepare my lunch for the day. I exit the house skipping breakfast, it just doesn’t sound too appealing right now. Not until I know he’s safe. I maybe overthinking things sure, but this feeling of uncertainty won’t release it’s hold on me. I just have to make it to lunch, he will show up and everything will be all right. I repeat this thought in my head over and over as the campus comes into view. I enter my first period class and take my seat in the back, as the teacher begins her lecture my mind stays focused on the clock, watching it tick away in painful slowness. Waiting for lunch to begin.

The lunch bell finally rings and I practically jump out of my desk and exit the classroom, ignoring the curious glances from the other students I quickly make my way towards the classroom I usually eat in. Making sure the classroom is empty I quickly step inside and take my seat. Bringing out my lunch for the day, I sit and wait patiently for Kris to show up. Checking my phone every thirty seconds. It’s okay, it usually takes him a bit to get here, his class is farther away than mine, not to mention he lets the crowd outside die down before entering. Another ten minutes pass by, a third of the lunch period is now over, and he is nowhere to be seen. I quickly pull out my phone and send him a text. _“Are you at school today?”_ I hit send and stare at the screen intently, praying that the message will change from sent to read. I lose track of time and am startled out of my thoughts by the lunch bell, the message was never seen. I groan into my hands in frustration. What happened to him? Some people may see this as overreacting, but they don’t know him like I do. He would never ignore me or anyone for that matter unless he was unable to. Maybe he will show up to the club meeting? This thought does little to comfort me however, the feeling of uncertainty laughs menacingly in the back of my head, taunting me for being so foolish. Reminding me that this is all my fault. I sigh in frustration and tune out the teacher’s lecture, focusing on the clock once again, waiting, hoping that he will show up to the club meeting. Even though deep down, I have a feeling he won’t be there either.

Lisa downs her fourth cup of coffee. She refuses to fall back to sleep until her son wakes up. She tries everything to keep her mind occupied, she took a shower, changed into fresh clothes, walked the sterile hallways of the hospital. Now she sits with her head in her hands by her son’s side. Waiting ever so patiently for him to wake up. Lost in thought, she almost doesn’t hear the groaning sound coming from the bed. She looks up in shock and moves to Kris’s side, as his right eye slowly opens.

A flash of white greets my vision. I’m blinded temporarily but my vision slowly begins to focus. I’m greeted by an unfamiliar ceiling, I blink in confusion, only to realize my left eye is still shut. No matter how hard I try I can’t open it. My head feels stuffy and my senses are dulled. I feel like I just woke up from a coma. “What the hell?” I mumble to myself groggily. I hear a gasp coming from my left, I look over, ignoring the dizzying feeling in my head from moving too fast and see my Mother’s face looking at me in concern. My eyes drift to some kind of IV tube in my arm, it’s hooked up to some machines and monitors. I slowly take in the rest of my surroundings and realize I’m in a hospital.

My mother grabs my hand softly. “Kristopher? Can you hear me?” She asks in a concerned tone.

“Y-yeah, I hear you.” I reply.

I can hear her let out a small sigh of relief. Her facial expression quickly reverts back to one of concern however. “D-do you know how you got here? What happened?” She hesitantly asks.

I blink in confusion. “Yeah, I guess the fucker really did a number on me didn’t he?” I say in half laughing, half pained tone. The very act of laughing hurts my head, the left side of my face in particular feels tight, like the skin is about to be ripped off of my skull. I try and reach a hand towards it but Mom stops me.

“Don’t, you had to get some stiches.” She says.

I tense up. “Stitches? How many?” I ask.

Mom sighs sadly. “A lot. I’m afraid you’re going to have a pretty nasty scar.” She gently traces the wound, her hand going from the top of my ear all the way to my eyebrow. “I’m so sorry.” She whispers.

I let out a soft laugh. “Damn, that was my money maker too.” I say with a smile. I take her hand in mine. “Are you okay? He didn’t hurt you too did he?”

Mom shakes her head. “Don’t worry about me, I’m going to be just fine.”

I let out a sigh in relief. “That’s good.” I lapse into silence as a sudden thought crosses my mind. “What happened to him?” I ask, trying desperately to hold back my anger.

Mom smiles sadly. “He’s gone, they arrested him.” She lets out a small laugh. “Judging by Aina’s words, I have a feeling he’s going to be put away for a while.”

I blink in confusion. “The Aimoto’s were here?” I ask.

Mom nods her head. “Well Aina was here, she brought some fresh clothes and wanted to check up on you.” Mom smiles at me. “They are both worried about you.”

I smile slightly. “That sounds like them, now I know where Sayori gets her compassion from?”

Mom bites her lip nervously. “You know what happened to Sayori right?” She hesitantly asks.

I look at her in confusion. “How could I forget? Why do you ask?”

Mom sighs sadly. “I’m just making sure, you were speaking nonsense while we were waiting for the ambulance, you…” Mom trails off a bit. “You were telling me to not let Sayori see you go inside an ambulance, you were afraid she would be worried about you.” I swallow a lump in my throat and let out a sigh. Mom wipes a few tears out of her eyes. “I thought he damaged your brain or something. I was so scared.”

I take a firm grip on her hand and give her the best smile I can muster. “It’s okay though, I’m fine. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

Mom smiles sweetly at me. “I’m better now that I know you’re okay.” A look of realization spreads across her face. “Oh, by the way. The Aimoto’s also offered me a job as their secretary.”

I almost sit up in surprise but wince in pain, my left side is aching terribly. Despite that however I still manage a smile. “That’s great! Those two never cease to amaze me with their generosity.” I say ecstatically. Mom’s smile fades slightly as a look of sadness and regret spreads across her face. “What’s the matter?” I ask in confusion.

“I’m sorry, I should have left him long ago.” Mom takes a shuddering breath. “If I knew he would do this to you, I would have never stayed.” Mom’s voice breaks and she stifles a sob. “You were right, I don’t know what I was waiting for. I knew he wasn’t the same and yet I did nothing. It’s my fault you’re in here.” Mom hangs her head in shame and sobs into the blanket on my bed. “Please forgive me.” She whispers.

I take a breath to repress the oncoming tears and place my hand on her head. I can’t exactly hug her so this is the best I can do. “Stop it, it wasn’t your fault. It was his and his alone.” I bite back my temper and speak in a flat, even tone. “I hope they bury him in that fucking prison. I never want to see him again.” Mom looks up sadly at me and wipes her eyes dry.

She regains her composure and manages a genuine smile. “Are you feeling okay? Are you in a lot of pain.” She asks.

I shrug my shoulders. “I’ll live for now, if anything I’m starving. Am I allowed to eat anything?”

Mom laughs softly. “I can check and see for you.” She presses the call button and begins to talk with a nurse. My mind begins to wonder. I feel like there’s something I’m forgetting. The pain in my head however deters me from dwelling on the matter.

Yuri enters the clubroom, she glances around hoping to see Kris. She sighs in disappointment and takes a seat at her usual spot, putting her head down on the desk. It doesn’t take long before the other members begin to approach her.

“Yuri? You feeling okay?” Monika asks.

Yuri sighs into the desk and raises her head to look Monika in the eye. “No not really.” She replies.

Monika takes a seat next to her. “What’s the matter?” She asks, concern prevalent in her voice.

Yuri takes a deep breath. “I’m worried about Kris, he hasn’t shown up at all today and he isn’t answering his phone.”

Natsuki rolls her eyes. “He’s probably just ditching school, he isn’t a pet Yuri. You don’t have to have him on a leash.”

Monika stares down Natsuki, effectively silencing her. She takes a breath and turns back towards Yuri. “Is there a reason he wouldn’t answer his phone?”

Yuri strokes her hair nervously, unsure on how to explain the situation. After all she doesn’t know what’s going on either. “I’m not sure, I was at his house yesterday and..”

“Hold up!” Natsuki interrupts. “You were at his house?” A devious smile crosses Natsuki’s face. “Yuri you naughty thing you, when were you going to tell us.” Monika once again shoots daggers towards Natsuki as Yuri’s face flushes crimson.

“I-it wasn’t like that, we were just h-hanging out.” Yuri stammers.

Monika smiles politely at her. “We believe you Yuri.” Monika glances at Natsuki through the corner of her eye, Natsuki raises her hands in a peace making motion.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” Natsuki says to Yuri.

Yuri simply nods her head and begins to explain the events of the previous day. Once she finishes a look of concern are present on both Monika and Natsuki’s face. “Maybe he was grounded and had his phone taken away?” Monika asks.

Yuri sighs. “That’s what I was thinking but that still doesn’t explain why he wouldn’t show up.” Yuri rubs her face with her hands. “I don’t know, maybe I’m overreacting but if you had seen the look on his face yesterday, you would be just as scared as I am.” Yuri sighs in defeat and put her head back down onto the desk.

Monika sits in silence for a while before speaking. “Why not try calling again? When was the last time you tried?”

Yuri raises her head up. “During lunch. My phones dead however so I can’t call.”

Monika digs through her bag and pulls out her phone and scrolls through the group chat, locating Kris’s number. “Might as well try right?” She asks rhetorically. They begin to call Kris’s cell.

A muffled ringtone breaks the silence. I look around in confusion and recognize the ringtone as my own. “Do you have my phone?” I ask.

Mom straightens up and begins to dig through her purse. “I’m sorry! I forgot to tell you.” She says as she pulls it out of her purse.

“It’s alright, hand it over.” I extend my hand towards her and she hands me the phone. I glance at the screen, sighing at the crack on it, and see that Monika is calling me. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I never got to text Yuri yesterday. I groan at my stupidity and quickly answer the phone.

“Monika?” I ask.

The girls all peak up from their desks, Yuri practically jumps into the ceiling. “Thank god! I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday!” Yuri blurts out.

I chuckle slightly to myself. “Yeah, sorry about that. I…well let’s just say I got a bit sidetracked.”

Yuri furrows her brow in confusion. “What do you mean? Where have you been?” She asks.

Natsuki quickly jumps in. “Yeah, who the hell do you think you are? You can’t just skip out on us like that! What kind of man are…ARRGHH!” Natsuki yells in pain as Monika grabs her by the ear to silence her.

“That’s enough Natsuki.” Monika scolds. Natsuki shoots her a glare and rubs her ear as I begin to laugh.

“Never change Nat, never change.” I say in bewtwen laughs, I involuntary wheeze in pain, my ribs scream in protest whenever I laugh.

The girls fall silent and eventually Monika speaks up. “Are you okay Kris?” She asks.

I let out a sigh. “Well…define okay.” I say vaguely.

“What happened?” Yuri asks, concern prevalent in her voice.

I sigh sadly and decide to answer more seriously. “It’s a bit of a long story, but I’m…well I’m in the hospital.”

“The hospital?” Monika says confused. She goes to say more but Yuri snatches the phone.

“Did he put you there?” She asks sternly.

“W-what?” I ask, taken aback by her sudden outburst.

“Please tell me he didn’t put you in the hospital?” Yuri asks, holding back tears. Monika and Natsuki look at each other in confusion.

I let out a sigh. “Yeah, he did.” I say bluntly.

Yuri shuts her eyes tightly. “Damnit.” She whispers. “I’m so sorry it was all my fault. I shouldn’t have…”

“Stop!” I exclaim. Stopping Yuri mid-sentence. “Don’t for a second think this was your fault Yuri. You had nothing to do with it you understand?”

“B-but he was…”

“Yuri! It. Was. Not. Your. Fault. Okay?” I let out a sigh and speak in a softer tone. “You must have been worried sick, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to get a hold of you.”

Yuri looks away from the others and wipes away the tears falling down her face. Monika finally speaks up. “You care to explain what you two are talking about?” Monika asks.

“Well that’s going to take a bit of explaining to do.” I say hesitantly.

The others fall silent for a moment, Monika glances at the other girls and nods her head. “Are you allowed to have visitors?” Monika asks.

I blink in surprise. “Uhh, yeah I think so…Why?”

“What hospital are you in?”

“Monika you don’t have to…”

“What hospital are you in?” Monika asks firmly.

I glance at my mom and ask her for the hospital name and room number. I give the information to Monika.

“Alright, we will be on our way shortly. We can’t end a meeting when a member is missing now can we?” Monika asks, the others nod their heads in agreement.

I try and stammer a response. “Really you don’t have…”

“See you soon!” Monika exclaims quickly hanging up.

I stare at the phone for a few moments before sighing. “Well, guess I’m going to have a few visitors.”

Mom smiles to herself. “They really do care about you.”

I force a smile at her. “Yeah, they really do.” They care too much for their own good.

“Well I’m going to wait outside and make sure they find the room.” Mom stares at me for a moment. “Are you sure you want to tell them the truth?” She hesitantly asks.

I nod my head. “No point in hiding it now, they deserve to know.” I laugh slightly. “God knows they will find a way to drag the truth out of me eventually. Might as well tell them now.”

Mom simply nods her head and exits the room, leaving me alone. I groan in frustration. Why do they have to come? They don’t need to see me like this. I grip the sheets tightly in anger. They shouldn’t waste their time and energy on me, I don’t deserve it. I take calming breaths to relax and prepare myself for the impromptu meeting of the Literature Club.

Yuri, Monika, and Natsuki stand in front of the door. Yuri hesitantly knocks on it. “It’s open.” A muffled voice calls out. The three girls look at each other and gently open the door.

Monika gasps in shock, Natsuki stares wide eyed in disbelief, and Yuri stifles a sob. All three of them stare at me for what feels like an eternity. I give them a smile and laugh softly. “What’s the matter, I mean I know I’m a handsome fucker but come on, y’all are going to make me blush.”

Monika forces a smile and goes to speak but is interrupted by Yuri closing the distance and tightly embracing me. I wheeze in pain from her crushing grip. “Yuri…ribs.” I stutter out in pain, Yuri quickly releases me and looks down in embarrassment.

“I-I’m sorry!” Yuri blurts out.

I give her a reassuring smile. “It’s fine, I imagine you were worried sick.” Yuri simply nods her head. The other girls finally approach me.

Monika looks over my injuries with a critical eye. Natsuki refuses to make eye contact. I can see tears welling up in her eyes, noticing my stare she turns away and begins to inspect the room. “What happened to you?” Monika asks quietly.

I let out a long sigh. “All of you might want to sit down, it’s a bit of a long story.” The girls all find a place to sit and give me their full attention. With three pairs of eyes staring me down I take a breath to steel my nerves and begin to tell them everything. How bad life at home actually was, the way he treated Mom, the way he treated me, how he beat her some nights for practically no reason, I decide to leave out the fact he hit her for lending me money to take Yuri out, she’s already blaming herself enough as it is. I tell them everything, all the way up to last night, when my own Father tried to kill me.

The girls sit in shocked silence, not a single dry eye is present in this room. I look towards the wall away from them to regain my composure, I have only told one person about this, and she died with that knowledge, while I’m glad I no longer have to lie to them about my home life, I can’t take their looks of pity. It’s unnecessary. I don’t want it, please stop.

Monika is the first to break the silence. “I…I’m so sorry this had to happen to you.” She says softly. The others nod in agreement.

After silently regaining my composure I simply shrug my shoulders. “Well what are you going to do? There was nothing anybody could have done, at least it’s over now.” I say in a dismissive tone.

The three girls share concerned glances. Yuri clears her throat to speak up. “Kris, it’s okay to be upset, the things you’ve been through…I can’t even imagine what it was like for y…” Yuri falls silent as I begin to laugh to myself.

“Who said I wasn’t upset?” I ask. “I just don’t see the need to dwell on it so much.” I let out another laugh and look away from their concerned faces. Repressing the tears. “If anything it’s a good thing this happened you know. N-now he’s going to be l-locked away.” My voice wavers a bit. “Good r-riddance, I hope t-they bury that f-fucker in that g-goddamn p-prison!” I shout. I feel a soft hand grab my shoulder but I shrug it off. “All of you need to stop worrying so m-much! I don’t see t-the big deal anyway, my o-own father tried to k-kill me, so what!” I choke on my words as the tears flow freely. “I fucking h-hated the b-bastard anyway, t-the f-feeling was mutual.” The others begin to move towards me as I slowly break down. “M-m-my own father didn’t e-even love me, he w-wanted me dead. I-i…I don’t c-care.” Yuri places her hand on my cheek as I try to speak through the sobs. “I don’t c-care.” I whisper to myself as Yuri gently embraces me, making sure not to squeeze my left side. “I-I d-d-don’t c-c-c-care.” My composure breaks down completely as I sob into the pillow. Monika and Natsuki embrace me as well. “Why d-didn’t h-he care?” I whisper hoarsely. The others simply remain silent and hold me as I violently sob into the pillow.


	17. Chapter 17

_“I tried to walk together_

_  
But the night was growing dark_

_  
Thought you were beside me_

_  
But I reached and you were gone_

_  
Sometimes I hear you calling_

_  
From some lost and distant shore_

_  
I hear you crying softly for the way it was before”_

The girls gently hold me as I sob violently into the pillow. Yuri softly whispers soothing words of comfort into my ear. Her words do nothing for me, the only thing in my mind right now is how pathetic I am. I couldn’t even hold myself together, the looks of concern on their faces slowly broke me, and now I’m in this sorry state. I should be happy, my dad has always been the worst piece of shit there ever was. It’s not like I will miss him, if anything the house should be a better place with his absence. No, it’s not that I care, that isn’t the reason I’m in this sorry state. It’s the fact that this was all my fault, all of it was my fault. And yet they look at me like I’m the victim. It’s pathetic, I’m pathetic.

I finally regain my composure, still looking at the wall I let out a shaky sigh to steady my voice. “I’m sorry about that, I’m fine really.” I say slowly, in a calm voice.

Yuri wipes her eyes and clears her throat. “You’re not fine, and that’s okay. You have every right to be upset about this whole thing.” The others nod their heads in agreement.

I don’t look any of them in the eye. “If only you knew Yuri, if you knew the truth…” I fall silent and let out a sigh of annoyance.

Yuri leans in closer and looks me in the eye. “What else is there?” Yuri asks in a concerned tone.

I open my mouth to respond but stop myself. I manage a reassuring smile and take her hand in mine. “Nothing, you’re right.” I take a steadying breath to fully calm my nerves. “I’m okay now really, it’s just been…a long day for me. I’m pretty tired so I’ll talk to all of you when I can.” I smile at Yuri and turn on my good side, putting my back to everyone.

Monika and Natsuki share a worried glance with one another. Monika lets out a sigh. “Okay, if you need anything, we’ll be here. You know that right?” Monika asks.

“Yeah, I know.” Even though I don’t want your sympathy. “I appreciate it.” I say dismissively.

Monika and Natsuki say their goodbyes and begin to exit the room, they stop just shy of the door and turn towards Yuri. Yuri urges them to go on. The door shuts but I can still feel Yuri holding me. I sigh in annoyance. “You should go too Yuri, I don’t want to keep you here longer than I need to.”

Yuri gently turns my head towards her, the worried expression on her face makes my chest tighten. She puts her forehead on mine and gently caresses my cheek with her hand. “I was so scared.” She whispers.

I close my one good eye and take a breath. The familiar scent of lavender overwhelming my senses. “I’m sorry for worrying you. I’m fine though, you shouldn’t keep the others waiting.” I put my hand on her cheek and kiss her forehead. “Thank you for coming by.” I say, giving her the best smile I can muster.

Yuri’s blush deepens as she smiles. “You don’t have to lie to me Kris, I can tell you’re not okay.” She takes my hand in hers. “It’s okay to be upset. We’re here for you. Anytime.” She says softly.

I stare at her for a moment before taking my hand out of her grip. “I’m tired Yuri, I’ll text you when I wake up.” Without waiting for a response I turn my face away and bury myself in the covers. I hear Yuri sigh softly behind me. She kisses my cheek and begins to exit the room. Yuri spares one more glance in my direction before exiting the room. With the door shut, I close my good eye and clench the blankets in anger.

Yuri steps into the hall to find Monika and Natsuki waiting for her. “How is he?” Monika asks.

Yuri shakes her head. “He practically shoved me out the door.” Yuri spares a glance at the door and shakes her head again.

“I’m sure he will be okay after a while.” Natsuki says. “I mean it’s understandable that he wouldn’t want to talk about this right now.”

Monika nods her head in agreement while Yuri shakes hers. “No, he’s always been like that. He always puts on a brave face, never telling anybody what’s bothering him.” Yuri says.

Monika and Natsuki share concerned glances. “Isn’t that all the more reason to not be worried. I mean if he’s always like that, what’s the problem?” Natsuki asks.

Yuri lets out a nervous sigh. “It’s unhealthy, I’ve been trying for a while to get him to talk about the things bugging him but he never opens up.”

Monika steps forward. “Why haven’t you brought this up before?”

Yuri shakes her head. “Because it didn’t seem like a big problem at the time. Sure it’s unhealthy to hold ones emotions in, but I didn’t know what he was going through.” Yuri glances at the others. “Not to mention what he has already been through last year.”

Natsuki stares at the floor sadly. “It was hard for all of us.” She mutters quietly.

“It was, but we weren’t going through what he was though. She was his best friend, the first friend he made when he moved here.” Yuri glances at the door a final time. “Add that to the trauma he had to endure at home.” The others remain silent as they process the meaning of Yuri’s words. “He’s not okay, and knowing him he’s going to repress these emotions.” Yuri begins to walk down the hallway with the others following suit. “And that’s why I’m so worried about him.”

The next twenty four hours pass in a daze, the steady flow of painkillers being injected into my system put me into a dreamless sleep. Honestly it’s the most sleep I’ve had in months. After spending two days in the hospital, the doctors clear me to go home. They assure me that the stiches will dissolve after a few more days. I also need to stay home and rest for at least two weeks to ensure nothing goes wrong, and to let my ribs heal completely. Besides that however I should make a full recovery, I roll my eyes at the doctor after he says that. Yeah sure, a full recovery, ignore the scar across my face and yeah I guess you could call it a full recovery. The ride home was painfully silent, I can see mom give me glances as we make our way back to the house. I hiss in pain as she hits a bump. She turns towards me in concern but I simply raise my hand. “I’m fine, just drive.” I say dismissively. She reluctantly agrees and we finally pull up to the house.

We enter the house, I slowly begin walking inside, clutching my side in pain. I pass through the kitchen to reach the staircase. I notice the dried blood and broken glass still on the floor. The events from that night play through my head. The sound of glass shattering, the explosion of pain in my head, the ringing in my ears, the look in my dad’s eyes as he kicked me again and again. I feel moms hand on my shoulder. I turn back to her and give her a reassuring smile. “I’m okay.” I glance at the stairs and mentally prepare myself. “I could use some help up the stairs though.” Mom sets her purse down and puts my arm on top of her shoulders, supporting my weight as much as possible. We slowly ascend the stairs, each step sending a sharp pain through my side, followed quickly by a slow pounding pain in my head. I grit my teeth in pain. “You can sleep in my bed if you want, I can always take your room.” Mom says, clearly noticing my discomfort.

I shake my head. “I would prefer to be in my room, I have a bathroom upstairs I’ll be fine. Just get me up there.” Mom sighs in defeat and we resume the arduous task. We finally reach my room and I slowly take a seat in my desk chair, sighing in relief.

“Do you need anything?” Mom asks.

I shake my head. “No I’m good. I just want to sleep.” I slowly rise from the chair and shuffle towards the bed. “Let me know when dinner is ready okay?”

Mom nods her head in agreement and helps me into bed, despite my protests. She kisses me on the cheek. “I will.” She says softly. I smile at her as she begins to exit the room. Struggling to find a comfortable position. I simply lay flat on my back, taking shallow breaths to lessen the sharp pain in my side. I slowly begin to fall asleep, no longer being aided by morphine.

_April 10, 2019_

I wake up a few hours before my alarm clock, I wipe away the tears with a trembling hand and sigh in annoyance. The nightmares are still here, still plaguing my mind on a daily basis. It’s different now however, I no longer dream of Sayori’s death, I no longer wake up screaming or with the urge to vomit. I simply find myself waking up in tears, the image of Sayori’s corpse in my minds eye no longer accusing me, but staring at me sadly, sympathetically. Honestly I can’t tell which is worse. Still the outcome is all the same, I find myself exhausted constantly.

The morning light snaps me out of my thoughts and I begin to get ready for school. The two weeks passed rather quickly. The swelling is gone, the sharp pain in my ribs, while present is now a dull throbbing pain, the bruising is gone. Yet as I fix my tie in the bathroom mirror, the one thing that will never go away stares at me. With the stiches gone, the jagged scar stands out on the side of my face. Running from the top of my left ear to my left eyebrow. Sure over time it will fade but my hair will never grow quite the same again, at least I liked to have the sides of my head shaved short. I tenderly touch the scar, the skin around it is completely numb, the phantom sensation spreads across my skin as I trace the length with my fingers. A permanent reminder of that night. I sigh in annoyance, despite Yuri’s constant reassuring that it doesn’t bother her, or that it will fade with time, I still get a sick feeling just looking at it. It’s ugly and it will never go away.

I descend the stairs and find Mom dressed for her first day at work. I smile at the sight, she’s been locked up in this house for so long. It’s nice to see her leave for once. Mom gives me a sweet smile and pours me some coffee. We sit in silence for a bit before she speaks up. “Are you sure you’re feeling alright? You can take a few more days off you know?” Mom asks.

I smile and shake my head. “I’ll be fine, besides I missed enough school. The last thing I want is to fall behind.” I glance in her direction. “It’s not like I’m going to be running laps or anything, I’ll be okay.”

Mom gives me a worried look but sighs in defeat. “Alright if you say so.”

“How about you? You ready to start your new job?”

Mom gives me a nervous smile. “Sort of, I’ll admit I’m both nervous and excited. It’s been a long time since I had to work.” She wrings her hands nervously.

I give her a reassuring smile. “You’ll do fine, I’m glad you’re getting out of this house.”

Mom smiles sincerely at me. “Me too.”

I down the rest of my coffee and grab a lunch before heading out. The offices mom works at are in the opposite direction of the campus so I’ll still be forced to walk to school. I take the walk slower than usual, the dull throbbing pain in my side reminding me to take it easy. I reach the campus later than usual and quickly make my way to my first period class. I enter the room with minutes to spare and the chatter of the already present students dies down a bit. Ignoring their stares, I make my way to my seat and plop down into the chair, immediately hissing in pain from doing so. I really got to stop doing that. The rest of the students begin to chat once again but I can feel the stares of a few linger on my face. The occasional murmur reaches my ears. “…that’s pretty gnarly looking.” “…Wonder what happened to…” “…belongs in a circus.” I grit my teeth in annoyance and glance in the direction of the students whispering. Immediately they fall silent and look away, save for one who is still staring directly at me, or rather the scar on my face.

“You should take a picture, this is my good side after all.” I say in a sarcastic tone. The gossiping students still don’t look my way, but the one staring actually pulls his phone out and takes the fucking picture. I laugh in anger. “Well I won’t even ask what you’re planning to do with that. I don’t judge what a man faps to in his own time.”

The student snorts at my comment. “Well I thought I should do you a favor. After all that’s a face only a mother could love.” A few other students snicker at his comment, many of the others simply look away.

I smile at the annoying shit. “You know I got to hand it to this place, they are so forward thinking compared to other schools.”

He furrows his brow in confusion. “What do you mean by that?”

“Oh you know, the fact they let the mentally challenged students sit in the same room as the rest of us, it’s so generous of them to make you feel included.” I give him a sympathetic smile. “Chin up bud, you’ll fit in one day I’m sure of it.”

A look of anger spreads across his face but before he can retort, the teacher walks into the classroom. All of the students stand and bow before taking their seats. The student looks my way, I simply smile and wink at him before turning my attention back to the teacher. I used to just blend in at school, the upside of being quiet to most of your classmates is that you typically fall under the radar of the undesirables that plague any high school. The ones that get a kick out of putting others down, that think high school actually matters in the grand scheme of things. But now I stand out like a sore thumb. Oh well, just another thing to get used to I suppose. The first period ends and I’m grateful that I only share one class with the annoying shit, I never even bothered to learn the fuckers name.

The lunch bell rings and I quickly gather my things and enter the hallway. Navigating my way through the sea of students, I quickly make my way towards the classroom Yuri and I eat in. Ignoring the glances from the other students I quickly enter the room and find Yuri waiting for me as usual.

She smiles sweetly at me before getting up and embracing me gently, taking extra care to not squeeze my ribs. “How are you feeling?” She asks as we take our seats.

I shrug my shoulders. “Still a bit sore but not nearly as bad.” I begin to eat my lunch before noticing Yuri’s stare. She clearly has something on her mind. “Something wrong?” I ask.

Yuri hesitates to answer for a moment. “A-are the other students treating you okay?” Yuri hesitantly asks.

I stare at her for a moment. “Why wouldn’t they? Is there something on my face?” I say in a sarcastic tone.

Yuri stares sympathetically at me. “I take that as a yes.”

I laugh it off. “It’s not surprising, I expected it to happen when I came back.” I shrug my shoulders in indifference. “Just another thing to get used to.”

Yuri sighs sadly. “I’m sorry.”

I grit my teeth in annoyance. “You know Yuri, you sure apologize a lot.” I say in an annoyed tone.

Yuri blinks in surprise at my outburst. “W-well it’s just that… you don’t deserve to be treated like that. It wasn’t your fault.” Yuri says timidly.

“Well Yuri, I learned at a pretty young age that we don’t get what we deserve, we get what we get.” I take a calming breath and speak in a softer tone. “The only thing that bugs me more than the staring is the constant apologizing from everybody.” I look Yuri in the eye. “You shouldn’t waste your time apologizing over things you can’t control. It’s a waste of energy.” I continue eating as Yuri looks down in shame. After a few minutes I sigh in annoyance, rubbing my exhausted face I mumble an apology. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.” I look up at the ceiling and groan in annoyance stifling a yawn. “I haven’t been able to sleep well lately, so I might be a bit cranky for the next few days.”

Yuri smiles slightly. “It’s fine, you’re right I shouldn’t apologize constantly about it.”

“It’s just in your nature to worry, while I’m grateful for your concern, at the end of the day I don’t care what these faceless nobodies in this school think. I just don’t want the people that actually matter to me looking at me in pity all the time you know? it gets pretty old.”

Yuri nods her head in understanding. “Your right. Sorry.” Yuri quickly clamps a hand over her mouth, dragging a laugh out of me.

“We’ll work on it.” I say with an amused grin.

The lunch bell rings and I begin to pack my stuff and stand up. “So I’ll see you at the meeting than?”

Yuri shakes her head. “Not today, I have another appointment with my therapist.”

“That’s right, sorry I forgot about that. How have those been?” I ask.

“They’ve been okay.” Yuri stares for a moment. “Sorry I can’t be there on your first day back.”

I flick her on the nose. “What did we just talk about?” I say in an overly annoyed tone, dragging a giggle out of her. I shake my head at her worrying. “Don’t be, you’re health is more important than mine.”

Yuri stops laughing and stares at me. “Don’t say that. Your health is important as well.” Yuri says in a concerned tone.

“Yuri, you should always prioritize your well-being above anybody else, including me.”

Yuri shifts uncomfortably in her seat. “I guess but…”

“Nope, no buts about it.” I say sternly. “I’ll see you tomorrow than?”

Yuri gives me a sweet smile. “Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

I go over to her and plant a kiss on her lips. After breaking the kiss I gently flick her forehead. “And quit worrying so much.” I say softly. She giggles and waves me away as I exit the classroom. I make my way down the hallway, the happy mood I was in being tarnished by the stares of the other students. The looks of disgust, curiosity, sympathy, all of it just reminds me of the scar on my face.

I enter the clubroom to find Monika and Natsuki in their usual spots. Excluding Yuri’s absence, it’s just another day. Monika turns to greet me as I enter the room. Her polite smile falters for a split second but returns just as quickly. “Good to have you back Kris, how was your day?” Monika asks.

I smile back at her. “Meh, same shit different shovel. Nothing changes around here.” I say dismissively.

Monika rolls her eyes. “You always say that.”

“Must be the truth than.” I retort.

Monika simply shakes her head before smiling. “Well since Yuri is gone today, we’re just going to take it easy. Like I said, welcome back.” I simply nod my head at her and take a seat. I look up and find her still staring at me, it was only for a moment but it was noticeable. The thing with Monika is she’s very by the numbers, static even. These slight changes in her behavior stick out like a sore thumb, the way her smile seems more forced than usual, her looks of concern, all of it annoys me. I glance in Natsukis direction and find her reading her manga. While normally that’s nothing unusual, Natsuki usually likes to pester me on the days that Yuri is gone. Or just in general, but today her face is buried in her manga. The very air in the room is just wrong. I sigh in annoyance and pull out my phone to kill the time, skipping out on reading since Yuri and I usually read together. The minutes pass slowly, on occasion I see Monika glance my way and even Natsuki looks up from her manga. Eventually Monika sighs and makes her way towards me, taking a seat next to me.

“Hey.” She greets awkwardly.

“Something wrong?” I ask, not looking up from my phone.

Monika lets out a sigh. “I was just making sure that you were okay.”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I talked with Yuri before the meeting, she said some other students were giving you a hard time.” I glance in Monika’s direction. Out of the corner of my eye I see Natsuki glancing towards me.

I sigh in annoyance. “You sound surprised, I’ll tell you what I told Yuri, there is no point in worrying about things beyond your control.”

“Maybe, but still it’s okay if you’re upset…”

“STOP!” I shout causing both of the girls to jump. I stare at Monika furiously. “I want things to be normal again, it’s one thing to be stared at but my god it makes it worse when all of you keep bringing it up all the damn time!” I stare at both Monika and Natsuki. “Just stop bringing it up okay? And tell Yuri the same damn thing. You are all driving me insane.” With a huff I bring up my phone and make myself busy. Monika remains in the seat next to me. With a sigh of annoyance I look her way. “Is there anything else you need?” I say impatiently. Monika reluctantly gets up from the chair and makes her way back to her seat. I glance in Natsuki’s direction and find her head buried in her manga. With a tired sigh I begin to scroll through my phone, counting down the minutes.

The meeting finally ends and I begin to gather my things and leave, but I’m stopped by Monika. Before I can tell her off, she speaks up. “You were right. We shouldn’t treat you like you’re made of glass. I’m sorry for making your first day back so uncomfortable.” Monika says sincerely.

With my anger dying down I give Monika a reassuring smile. “It’s fine, I didn’t mean to snap on all of you. It’s just been a long day. I do appreciate your concern but when I say I’m fine, I’m fine. Okay?” Monika nods her head in affirmation. “I’ll see you tomorrow than.” And with that I exit the room and begin walking back home.

Later that night, I once again fall into another restless sleep. I find myself curled in a ball on Sayori’s floor, her corpse giving me that same look of pity everyone else has. Wiping away the tears I turn towards her. “Why do you keep looking at me like that? I don’t want your pity, I don’t want anybody’s pity!” I shout.

The look of pity on Sayori’s face disappears, and she shakes her head at me. “Isn’t this what you want, for everyone to pity you? To feel sorry for you? To notice you?” Sayori slowly makes her way towards me, her lifeless sapphire eyes staring into my very core.

“No! I just want everyone to stop worrying about me!”

Sayori laughs again. “Can you blame them? You’re the sorriest thing they have ever seen.” Sayori slowly paces around the room. “All you do is cause people to worry, you make them feel guilty, you lash out at them if they become concerned.” I bite my lip in anger at her words. Sayori stops pacing behind me. “It’s no wonder your father didn’t love you.” Sayori says coldly.

This gets a laugh out of me. “Oh no! my dad didn’t love me? And here I thought he was the most loving and caring father in the world.” I say in a sarcastic tone.

Sayori sighs. “Sarcasm. Your go to method for deflecting. You always resort to that, to give off the illusion that you don’t care.” Sayori leans in front of my face. “You do care, you care deeply.” Her icy breath pricks at my skin like needles. I shove her away and stand up.

“Okay, of course I cared. So what? He was a piece of shit, always has been.”

“And do you know what made him the way he is?” Sayori asks.

I shrug my shoulders. “How the hell should I know? Mom always said he was different but I can’t remember a time he wasn’t an asshole.”

“Oh come now, you already know the answer.” Sayori resumes her pacing. “Your mom always talks about how he was happy before. Yet she never tells you when he changed or better yet what changed him.” Sayori puts her hand under her chin. “Now why would she do that I wonder?” I remain silent as Sayori continues. “You. You were the thing that changed him. Didn’t you notice the pictures of your parents on their wedding day? He had such a big smile on his face, yet he never smiled like that with you around.” Sayori stops behind me and continues. “No baby photos, no home videos of you growing up, the way your mom only vaguely alludes to the time your father was a good man.” Sayori stands in front of me and spreads her arms out wide. “The pieces are there, I know you already put them together.”

“I know!” I shout. “You don’t think I noticed? Of course he hated me from the moment I was born! Why are you telling me something I already know?”

Sayori steps in close, inches from my face. Her breath smelling of rotten flesh. “Because you still deny it, you blame him, you blamed your mother for not leaving him sooner, for not standing up to the man she loved.” Sayori tils her head in curiosity. “If you knew it was your fault, than why did you get upset with her, why did you let her take the beating that night all those years ago?”

I look away in shame, blinking away the tears. “I don’t know.” I whisper.

Sayori sighs sadly. “You do know, you know that you’re nothing but a burden to everyone. You constantly worry your friends, and then lash out at them, you destroyed your parents marriage, you let your own mother get beaten. All you have done is bring pain and misery to others.” Sayori looks me dead in the eye. “I tried so hard to make my friends happy, and yet you are undoing the one thing that mattered to me when I was alive. Was killing me not enough? Would you undo all the work I did when I was still alive?”

I wipe the tears away and step back from Sayori. I turn towards her. “How do you know all of this?” I ask desperately. “Why won’t you just leave me alone!” I shout.

Sayori once again paces the room. “I know all of it, the pain you cause, the guilt you inflict on others by playing the victim.” Sayori stops behind me. “I also know something else.” She leans in closely, whispering into my ear with a raspy voice. “I know your secret.” My eyes go wide as she steps in front of me. “Yes, the one secret you kept locked away from everyone, sealed nice and tight in a box, right under your bed.”

I stare at her in horror, my mouth going dry. I swallow the lump in my throat and speak in a weak, raspy voice. “Y-you know?” Sayori nods her head. I stifle a sob and look away from her. Taking a shaky breath I quietly ask again. “What do you want from me?”

Sayori gently caresses my cheek, her cold clammy hand sending chills down my spine. “I want you to fix this, like I said you have all of the pieces, all you need to do is fix the problem.”

I shake my head. “I-I can’t.”

“You need to.” Sayori sighs in disappointment. “Will you choose to sit back and do nothing? You sat back and watched as your mother was beaten forcing her to go through years of physical and emotional abuse.” Sayori steps closer. “You sat back and did nothing for me, resulting in my death.” The tears flow freely down my face. I try to deny it but she presses on. “You sat back and lied to my parents about my death, denying them the closure they deserve.” Sayori tilts her head curiously. “Does it make you feel guilty? Watching them give your mother a job, seeing them worry so much about you?” I look down in shame and don’t respond. “That’s what I thought. So I’ll ask again.” Sayori steps right in front of my face as the dream begins to disappear around us. “Why won’t you do anything about it? why won’t you fix the problem?”

The dream has faded away, I sit curled into a ball on my bed, sobbing quietly into my hands. With a shaky voice I answer her question. “B-because i-I’m scared.”


	18. Chapter 18

_“Lies,_

_every time they ask me, I just tell em that I'm fine_

_Try to hide my demons but they only multiply_

_Keep me runnin from the voices on repeat inside my mind_

_(Everybody fucking hates you)”_

_April 13, 2019_

Numb. I sit in my darkened room, my eyelids are heavy, mind is muddled, every part of me feels numb. Sayori’s words haunt me still, why wouldn’t they? She spoke nothing but the truth, a truth that I’ve been denying for so long now. My eyes begin to close on their own. Shaking my head furiously I grab another energy drink from the mini fridge next to my bed. The silence of the room is broken by the sound of pressurized air escaping the can. With a trembling hand I down half of the caffeinated drink and blink my eyes rapidly. It’s been two days and I haven’t slept one bit since that night. Afraid of what I would see when I close my eyes. I let out a sigh of defeat. It doesn’t matter now, I glance towards the chair by my desk, and see Sayori sitting in it. She remains silent, staring at me, or rather through me. Her eyes drift under my bed, she gives me a knowing glance. Malice, anger, resentment, none of these feelings flash across her face, she simply gives me a look of understanding. She knows, hell she probably knew when she was still alive. It makes a lot of sense, for almost two years we barely even breathed a word to one another, then all of a sudden she inserts herself back into my life, on that day of all days. I let out a humorless laugh. Maybe it was just a coincidence, maybe it was fate. I’ll never know the truth, not that it would do much good now anyway.

“Fix it.” Sayori breaks the silence. Her lifeless eyes locking me in their haunting trance.

I let out a bitter laugh. “I must be insane.” I say in a dry tone.

“You’re anything but insane, but in the end that doesn’t matter, you know what the problem is, you have the solution, so fix it.”

I rub my face with trembling hands. “I know.” I say in a whisper. I stand up and get down onto my knees, reaching under my bed I pull out a box. A thin layer of dust is layered on the top, accumulating over the months it spent under there, out of sight, out of mind, but never truly forgotten. Just holding the box sends a wave of anxiety through my body, my heart is racing, thoughts are muddled together. The box has a slight weight to it, a cruel reminder of the contents hidden inside. With a shaky breath, I push the box back under the bed and stand up. “No, not now at least.” I say with determination.

Sayori tilts her head in confusion. “If not now, then when? You’re only delaying the inevitable, making it harder on yourself.”

I swallow the lump that formed in my throat. “There’s something I need to do first, you’ll get what you want, don’t you worry about that.”

Sayori gives me a sympathetic look. “I never wanted this, any of this. I’m only doing what is best for you and my friends.”

I grit my teeth and close my eyes in annoyance. “You’ve been torturing me for months, don’t lie to me now, we both know this is what you wanted.” I open my eyes to confront her but find the chair empty. The only reminder of her presence is the chill that is still going down my spine. Was I even awake? Was I dreaming all of that? It’s hard to tell, I’ve never been so exhausted in my entire life. The bright light of a new day slowly begins to banish the shadows in my room. I check the time and begin to gather my uniform for the day. It’s wrinkled, dirty, and yet I still begin to throw it on anyway. Haphazardly fixing the tie, not even bothering to check if it’s on straight or not. My eyes linger to my bed once again. The box hidden underneath weighing heavily on my mind. I take a shaky breath. Whether I’m truly insane, or this really is the ghost of Sayori coming to take vengeance on her murderer is irrelevant. For we are in agreement. “This is what needs to be done, what I deserve.”

I descend the stairs to find the kitchen empty. Mom’s new job has her leaving pretty early, however she still makes it a habit of brewing a fresh pot of coffee for me every morning. I pour me a cup and quickly down it’s contents, refilling the mug immediately. The satisfaction I normally get from the taste, the fragrance of fresh morning coffee doesn’t affect me. The same numb feeling from last night is still prevalent in my body. After finishing the second cup of coffee, I sling my bag over my shoulder and exit the house towards school, choosing to skip breakfast once again.

The day drags on slowly, seconds, minutes, hours, all of it ticks by at a snails pace. The words of my teachers barely register. The deafening sound of the lunch bell breaks me out of my trance, I slowly stand up and enter the congested hallway. I pass by the classroom Yuri eats in, I don’t even spare a glance at the door. I just keep walking. I stop at my locker to deposit the mornings books. The sound of footsteps approaching me gets my attention. I glance in the direction of the footsteps and find the same student from my first period staring me down. I recently found out his name is Akiba.

Akiba’s gaze goes up and down my body. He lets out a snort. “Jesus did your mom forget to dress you today or what?” He says in a venomous tone.

I simply remain silent and begin to put my books away once again. Choosing to ignore the child.

“I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, it doesn’t matter how well you dress, nothing will mask that disgusting face of yours.” Akiba leans in closer, clearly trying to get a rise out of me. It would’ve worked on any other day, but I’m just too tired to give a fuck. Akiba begins to grow frustrated at my silence and forcibly slams my locker shut. “I’m talking to you freak!”

I let out a tired sigh. “I noticed, I’m just choosing to ignore you.” I reply in a tired voice.

Letting out an angry huff, Akiba grabs me by the front of my blazer and puts his face into mine. “You are really starting to piss me off gaijin, that mouth of yours is going to get you into trouble if you’re not careful.” He says in a flat, even tone.

Even with my exhaustion my temper flares a bit, I give Akiba an icy glare. “You going to do something about it? Go on then, make my day.”

Akiba smirks. “You sure about that? Your face is already fucked up as it is, I would almost feel bad if I made it worse.”

I go to respond but a hand grabs Akiba by the shoulder. He turns around before hitting his knees, a wheeze of pain escaping his lips. Akiba falls onto the floor clutching his groin as Monika kneels beside him. “I don’t appreciate you talking to my friend like that Akiba.” Monika says in a polite tone, as if she is scolding a child.

Akiba takes a pained breath and looks at both Monika and I. “The hell are you friends with this freakshow for?” He says in a pained tone.

Monika shakes her head sadly. “Trust me Akiba, compared to him your nothing but a glorified pile of garbage.”

Akiba manages to stand and shoots Monika an angry glare. “Bitch, who the fuck do you think you are?”

Monika gives him a devious smile. “I’m just a normal girl Akiba, a girl that just happened to come across the pictures you sent to Kayano.” Akiba stiffens a bit as Monika continues. “It makes sense now, you put down others to make yourself feel like a big man, after all our insecurities can make us feel pretty small.” Monika places emphasis on the word small. “I would hate to have to send these pictures to every girl in the school, after all people can be so cruel don’t you agree?” Monika pats Akiba on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, some of us are just late bloomers is all. Now if you would be so kind as to never talk to Kris again, then we can both forget this conversation ever happened.” Monika gives Akiba a wink, he looks in my direction, a glint of anger lingering in his eyes. He slowly nods his head and walks down the hallway out of sight. Monika lets out a sigh and gives me a polite smile. “Well that was eventful.”

“You didn’t have to do that.” I respond.

Monika rolls her eyes. “Trust me, he isn’t worth getting suspended over, but either way you’re welcome.”

“I wasn’t thanking you.” I say in a bitter tone, I walk past Monika and proceed down the hallway. She quickly catches up and stops me.

“Are you feeling okay, no offense but you look terrible.” Monika says in a concerned tone.

I let out a tired sigh. “We talked about this before, I told you I’m fine.”

Monika lets out a sigh in annoyance. “You’re a bad liar Kris, I can tell somethings wrong.” I try to walk past her but she stops me in my tracks. “You’re a member of my club, it’s my responsibility to worry about your wellbeing.” Monika says.

“You don’t need to worry about me anymore.” I say in a quiet tone.

Monika gives me a look of confusion. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I take a breath to brace myself. “I wanted to wait until the meeting today to let you know, but it’s probably best to say it sooner rather than later. I’m leaving the club.”

“What?” Monika says in bewilderment. “Wait, why?”

_Lie to her, it’s the only way._ “I just can’t anymore I thought…” I trail off a bit and swallow the lump in my throat. “I thought I could manage it. I thought that I could keep pretending, but I’m tired.”

Monika stares in confusion. “Pretending about what? What are you talking about?”

I let out a sigh. “Monika, I didn’t join your club because I have a love for literature like the rest of you, I joined because Sayori successfully persuaded me to. And we both know how persuasive she could be.”

Monika is taken aback. “I know Sayori guilted you into joining, but you can’t tell me that you haven’t enjoyed your time with us. Now you just want to leave all of a sudden?” Monika asks desperately.

_Keep lying, push them away._ “I know it’s sudden Monika, it has nothing to do with any of you. This is a decision I’m making for myself. I never wanted to be in your club, and I’m tired of pretending like I still do.” I try to walk away but Monika stops me yet again.

“Hold on, We’re your friends Kris! Natsuki and I see you as a dear friend, and what about Yuri? You can’t tell me nothing is going on between you two.” Monika is growing desperate, her normal calm demeanor is all but gone.

I let out a bitter laugh. “Sayori was my friend Monika, my only friend. She was the only reason I joined in the first place.” I look Monika in the eye. “Let’s face it Monika, if Sayori hadn’t dragged me into your club, none of you would have ever given me the time of day. We became friends by pure circumstance, nothing more, nothing less. Now please get out of my way.”

Monika doesn’t back down. “Look I understand okay? You’ve been through so much lately, more than most people ever go through. But pushing your friends away won’t make things better.”

_Keep lying._ “You don’t understand Monika, you never will.” I let out a humorless laugh. “You remember that conversation we had shortly after I joined? How you were concerned that Sayori and I’s spotty friendship would cause issues for her?” Monika nods her head. “You were right to be concerned. If I had never joined, if I had simply ignored Sayori that day, she would still be alive.” Monika tries to deny my statement but I don’t let her speak. “She would still be alive and well, and none of you would have ever known me. Natsuki, Yuri, you, none of you would have cared about me. Things would be as they should be. I’m just making things right again. I’m sorry Monika, I’m sorry I let this go on as long as it did. Tell Natsuki and Yuri that I’m sorry too.” Without waiting for a response I proceed down the hallway towards my next class, leaving Monika to stand in the hallway in bewilderment.

I wait for the final bell to ring, a heavy sense of guilt plaguing my mind. It had to be done, for their sake. The final bell signals the end of the day and I begin to make my way out of the campus. As I’m exiting the building I can hear a familiar voice calling my name. I turn and feel my chest tighten. Yuri makes her way towards me. The look on her face telling me she heard about my sudden departure. I was hoping I would have time to leave, making it easier on the both of us.

“What’s going on? What do you mean you’re leaving the club?” Yuri asks desperately.

“I mean exactly that Yuri, if you want the full reason ask Monika.” I try to walk away but Yuri steps in front of me.

“She told me but it can’t be true. You and I both know it’s a lie.” I let out a tired sigh as Yuri presses on. “I know somethings still wrong, I know you don’t like to talk about these kinds of things. But you don’t have to leave, we are here for you, I’m here for you!” Yuri’s voice breaks a bit. “You shouldn’t hold all of this in, it isn’t healthy.”

Seeing the pained expression on Yuri’s face hurts me. _It needs to be done, it will only make this harder._ With a heavy sigh I give Yuri a cold glare and let out a bitter laugh. “It isn’t healthy? Yuri you are going to lecture me on unhealthy habits? You of all people?” Yuri remains silent, the pained expression on her face conveying that my words cut deep, like a knife on flesh. “Goodbye Yuri.” I push my way past her, Yuri giving no resistance as I exit the campus grounds. As soon as I’m out of her sight I lean against a bus stop and regain my composure. The pained expression on Yuri’s face makes my chest tighten. “I’m sorry.” I mumble to myself. Taking a breath I begin to make my way back home.

_“I don’t really like myself.”_

I reach my house at a snails pace, slamming the door behind me and tossing my bag to the floor haphazardly. I ascend the stairs and enter the bathroom. Turning on the sink I splash water on my exhausted face. The cool, refreshing sensation barely alleviating the exhaustion. My hands are trembling, fearing what’s to come.

“You did the right thing.” Sayori says to me, her sickly reflection standing behind mine.

I glance at the mirror, my once brilliant sapphire eyes are dull and tired, much like hers. My skin is pale and the bags under my eyes are dark and heavy. I look like a dead man walking. How appropriate.

“You did the right thing.” Sayori repeats. “This was for the best.”

I look down in shame. “You should have seen their faces, they were devastated. Especially Yuri.” I say in a regretful tone.

“They will be upset, for a while at least. If you had acted sooner it would have been much easier on them.”

I take a shaky breath, gripping the sink to steady my trembling hands. “I know.” I whisper.

“But they will get over it, even Yuri, all of them will move on and leave you behind. They will forget about you, as they should. You’ve brought nothing but pain to everyone around you.”

I look in the mirror and am met with my reflection and nothing more. I take a shaky breath and turn the sink off. Exiting the bathroom I enter my bedroom, shutting the door I consider locking it but ultimately decide against the idea. Why burden everyone even further?

_“I don’t really like myself.”_

The girls sit in silence. Monika remains silent, clearly in deep thought. Yuri has her head on her desk, having not spoken a single word since the meeting began. Natsuki is livid, she is pacing the room in anger. She finally breaks the silence. “Who the hell does he think he is?” Natsuki asks.

Monika rubs her head in frustration. “Natsuki, please…”

“No! Where does he get off talking to you two like that? The son of a bitch, I should go kick his ass!” Natsuki exclaims in a rage.

“Natsuki!” Monika yells. Natsuki stops her pacing and looks Monika in the eye. “You’re not helping.” Monika motions towards Yuri with her eyes, who has remained silent this entire time. Natsuki bites her lip in frustration before letting out an angry sigh.

“Fine whatever.” Natsuki says dismissively.

Monika lets out a tired sigh. “Let’s just go ahead and call the meeting for today. I’ll see all of you tomorrow.” Natsuki grabs her things and exits the room. Yuri slowly raises her head, her eyes red and puffy. She grabs her bag and begins to make her way towards the exit before Monika stops her. “How you doing Yuri?” Monika asks.

Yuri takes a shaky breath. “I don’t know. Are you sure he didn’t say anything else to you? Anything at all?” Yuri asks.

Monika gives her a sympathetic smile. “Everything he told me, I told you Yuri.”

Yuri looks down for a moment before letting out a sigh. “Do you think he was telling the truth? That he was only here because of Sayori and nothing else?” Yuri asks.

Monika closes her eyes in thought before responding. “I don’t know, part of me thinks he’s just trying to push us away. But the other part of me believes him. The only person who knows the answer is him I’m afraid.” Monika remains silent for a moment. “What about you? Do you think he meant what he said?”

Yuri shakes her head. “I don’t think he did. He hasn’t been the same these past couple of weeks.” Yuri pauses for a moment before sighing in annoyance. “Maybe he really is tired of us worrying. Maybe we are the ones that pushed him away.”

Monika places her hand on Yuri’s shoulder. “Maybe we did, maybe we didn’t. At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter. I’m sure he will come back, just give him some time.”

Yuri strokes her hair nervously. “I don’t know. I…” Yuri lapses into silence. Monika waits for her to continue but after a minute of silence, she speaks up.

“What is it?”

Yuri looks around the room, avoiding eye contact. “I just have this feeling, I can’t describe it but I feel like something is wrong. Really wrong.”

“Maybe you should try and text him? Out of all of us you have the best chance of talking with him.”

Yuri shakes her head. “I already tried, he won’t respond, my calls go straight to voicemail.” Yuri lets out a frustrated groan. “I don’t know maybe I’m overthinking it. What should I do?” Yuri asks.

Monika remains silent for a moment. “I can’t say for sure Yuri, maybe you’re right. Maybe our worrying is the reason and he just needs time alone.” Yuri looks down in defeat. “Or maybe not.” Monika grabs Yuri’s shoulders and looks her in the eyes. “If you are worried about him, then go check on him. Sure he might get mad, but if there really is something wrong with him, he shouldn’t be alone.”

Yuri remains silent, going over Monika’s words in her head. She eventually smiles and nods her head. “Okay, I’m going to check on him.” Yuri grabs her bag and exits the clubroom. Exiting the campus she turns towards the direction of Kris’s house.

_“I don’t really like myself.”_

With my heart pounding, I slowly get down onto my knees and pull out the box from underneath the bed. With trembling hands I remove the lid and gaze upon the contents inside. My mouth has gone dry and I can feel sweat pouring down my face. Sayori squats next to me. “Will it hurt?” I ask quietly.

Sayori stares at me for a moment. “Yes, but only for a moment, after that all of it will fade away.”

I slowly nod my head and lick my lips nervously. My trembling hand slowly tracing the cold barrel of the revolver. I slowly take the gun out of the box, checking the cylindrical to see if the rounds are still loaded. I slap it into place and grab the grip with both hands. My heartbeat is pounding in my ears and the sweat is pouring off of my face. I close my eyes and try desperately to take calming breaths. “I’m scared.” I whisper.

Sayori gives me a look of pity. “It’s alright, I was scared too. Scared and alone. Like the pain though, the fear will disappear as well. All it takes is a single step, or in your case the pull of the trigger.” Sayori disappears after that, leaving me alone and afraid, just like she was. It’s only fair, after all I abandoned her too. Breathing heavily, I slowly pull the hammer back and place the barrel against my temple. My heart rate is through the roof and the thudding of my heart beat is the only thing I can hear. I can feel tears falling down my face as my finger slowly moves over the trigger. My mouth goes dry, the gravity of what I’m about to do slowly setting in. I didn’t even leave a letter, I had nothing left to say. What will mom think? I shut my eyes tightly and suppress the doubting thoughts.

_“I don’t really like myself…._

_…I think I’m breaking down.”_

The sound of his voicemail reaches Yuri’s ears yet again. With a sigh of annoyance she hangs up and proceeds to Kris’s house. “Maybe I’m making a mistake.” She says out loud, trying to calm her nerves. Yet no matter how many times Yuri tells herself to turn around, this gnawing feeling of uncertainty makes her press on. Soon his house comes into view. Yuri timidly knocks on the door, no response. She knocks louder this time, still no response. Yuri tries to call once again, her ears greeted by his voicemail. Looking around nervously, Yuri tests the door handle to see if it’s locked. To her surprise it’s unlocked. Yuri opens the door and nervously calls out. “H-hello? It’s me, Y-yuri.” Yuri waits for a response but doesn’t hear anything. Maybe he didn’t come home? Yuri’s eyes fall onto Kris’s bag on the floor. Okay, he’s definitely home. Taking a breath Yuri enters the house, shutting the door behind her. She enters the kitchen first, then she checks the living room. Nobody. Seeing that the bottom floor is empty Yuri proceeds to ascend the staircase.

A loud bang emanates from upstairs, Yuri jumps and nearly falls down the steps in surprise. After getting her bearings, a cold feeling spreads through her body, her stomach drops and her heart rises into her throat. Yuri quickly bolts up the stairs and reaches Kris’s door. She proceeds to gently open it.

“KRIS!”


	19. Chapter 19

_“Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood_

_  
All the ones around me,_

_  
I cared for and loved,_

_It's building up inside of me_

_  
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free_

_  
Don't mourn for me,_

_  
You're not the one to place the blame”_

With trembling hands I slowly place the cold barrel of the revolver against my temple. I can hear the rapid thudding of my heartbeat in my ears, sweat is pouring down my face, and a cold, numb sensation spreads throughout my entire body. _Just pull the trigger, it will be quick and easy…just pull the trigger!_ I close my eyes and prepare myself for the end, and whatever comes next…yet nothing happens. My finger is still on the trigger but it refuses to budge. I grit my teeth in annoyance. “Come on.” I whisper softly to myself. “Quick and easy, just do it already.” Despite my verbal protests my body refuses to move. My thoughts begin to wander. I see my Mom, Yuri, Monika, Natsuki,…Sayori. All of their faces flash across my mind, and the thought of leaving them behind makes my heart ache. My breathing becomes rapid, my hands shake uncontrollably. “Do it…just do it you goddamn coward!” I say in a broken voice, yet my body still refuses to act. With a cry of anger I pull the gun from my head and fire a round into the wall. The resounding crack of the revolver makes my ears ring, with a defeated sigh I slump against my wall, gun still in hand. “You fucking coward.” I whisper to myself. The sound of rapid footsteps pierce the constant ringing in my ears and before I can react my door flings open.

“KRIS!” Yuri yells as she enters the room, her eyes land on him and for a horrifying moment it seemed like she was too late. He is slumped against the wall, his skin is pale and his eyes are lifeless and dull, a far cry from the brilliant blue she has become so accustomed to. But after a heart stopping moment, his eyes move towards her and she exhales the breath that had caught in her throat. Before she can speak however she notices the revolver in his hand, barrel still smoking from the shot fired. Her body becomes tense and her mind begins to race. With a shaky hand Yuri extends her arm towards Kris in a non-confrontational manner. “K-kris, I need you t-to put the g-gun down o-okay?” Yuri says in a gentle tone, her voice wavering. Kris doesn’t respond, his pale gaze simply looks in her direction, staring right past her, as if she isn’t even there. Yuri takes a cautious step forward. “P-please, put the g-gun down.” She asks.

His gaze falls on the revolver in his hand, he maintains his grip on the handle and looks up at Yuri. “Why are you here?” Kris asks in a flat tone, devoid of all emotion.

Yuri’s chest tightens at the sight of him. She has known for a while now that something has been wrong, that he was always exhausted. That being said, it’s easy to ignore the signs when below those tired eyes and dark bags lies a charming smile, always saying something sarcastic or goofy to lighten up the mood. Now the smile is gone, the joy and sarcasm she is oh so familiar with is gone. It makes her want to break down right then and there, but despite all of this, Yuri keeps her composure and continues to try and defuse the situation. “Why do you think? I had a feeling something bad was going to happen…and it seems I was right.” Yuri takes another step forward but stops midway when she notices his grip on the gun tightening.

Kris lets out a humorless laugh. “I had hoped you would be too upset with me to come over like this. Seems I can’t even do that right.”

Yuri takes another cautious step, slowly closing the distance between them, if it comes down to it, she may have to take the gun by force. “Please put the gun down.” Yuri says in a soft tone.

Kris remains silent, he raises the gun and looks over the weapon. Yuri’s entire body tenses up, she slowly begins to close the distance, ready to take the gun by force if it comes down to that. “I couldn’t do it.” He whispers softly. Yuri waits with baited breath as he continues. “It had to be done, and yet I couldn’t pull the trigger.” His gaze falls back to Yuri and with a sigh of defeat he grabs the gun by the barrel and hands it to her. Yuri quickly snatches the weapon from his hand and places it on the desk out of his reach. With a stifled sob she kneels in front of him and tightly embraces him, sobbing into his uniform. He doesn’t return the hug.

Yuri breaks the embrace and looks him in the eye. “So this was your plan? To push us away and kill yourself?” Yuri says, tears forming in her eyes. Kris doesn’t respond, his empty gaze continues to look right through her, it’s as if he isn’t even here. “Why? Why would you even consider doing this?” Yuri asks desperately. Kris remains silent once again. “Please! Talk to me please!” Yuri exclaims.

“Yeah, that was the plan.” Kris closes his eyes and lets out a sigh.

Yuri is taken aback by his bluntness. “And you think that would have made it easier for us? That we still wouldn’t have been devastated?”

Kris opens his eyes and makes eye contact with Yuri. “What was I supposed to do? Come to the club like any other day, pretend everything was alright. Talk, laugh, lie to all of you. Tell all of you that I will see you tomorrow?” He shakes his head. “This was the only way.”

Yuri is at a loss for words, it doesn’t even seem like he regrets his actions. “Stop, why are you talking like this? Why are you doing this?” Yuri asks again. He remains silent. “Answer me goddamnit!” Yuri screams.

“Yuri, you wouldn’t understand.”

“I would understand! But you won’t talk to me, or anyone for that matter. How do you expect me to understand if you won’t just talk to me?” Yuri asks. She takes a calming breath, getting angry won’t solve anything. “What about your mother? You were really going to put her through something like this?” Kris looks away from her but she forces him to maintain eye contact, she presses further. “What about the club? Did you think we wouldn’t have cared if you died? We would have been crushed. We already lost a dear friend, I don’t know if we could handle losing someone else.” Kris’s jaw clenches, his breathing is rapid and he tries to once again break eye contact but Yuri refuses to let up. “What about me? Do you have any idea how much you mean to me? Do you even care about any of that?” Yuri asks. “Do you?” Yuri asks again after a moment of silence.

“Of course I care goddamnit! Why do you think I’m doing this?” I exclaim, having heard enough. “It was for your own good, for everyone’s sake.”

Yuri stares at me, appalled at the words I had spoken. “Don’t for a second pretend that this was for us, how would you killing yourself benefit any one in any way?” Yuri asks, I go to answer but no words come out. “No, this wasn’t for me, this wasn’t for your mother, this wasn’t for anybody but yourself!” Yuri says in an angry tone. “It’s one thing to try and commit suicide but don’t think for a second that I’m willing to accept the fact that you did it for me or anyone. I refuse to believe that!”

I look away in shame. “I’m sorry Yuri.”

“Are you?” Yuri asks. “How am I supposed to believe you if you still won’t tell me what’s going on?” Yuri says in a concerned tone. I simply remain silent. Yuri takes a calming breath and places her hand on my cheek. “Please, just tell me what’s wrong. I can’t stand seeing you like this.” She whispers softly.

The pained expression on her face makes my chest tighten. With a heavy sigh I finally speak up. “I see her Yuri.” I say in a hushed tone.

Yuri looks at me quizzically. “See who?”

I swallow the lump in my throat and take a breath to steady my voice. “Sayori, ever since she died, I see her in my dreams.” Yuri stares at me in horror as I continue. “Sometimes I see her setting up the noose, I’m stuck in place and can only watch as she stands on the chair, as she fastens the noose around her neck, and as she steps off the chair and struggles for air, clawing at her neck to break free. Begging me to help her, yet every time, I’m unable to do anything. I can only watch.” Yuri remains silent as tears fall down her face. “Sometimes I see her corpse, staring at me with pale, lifeless eyes. Begging me to help her, asking me why she is so cold, why she can’t get warm no matter how hard she tries. And other times I see her staring at me, accusing me of killing her, telling me that it was my fault and that I only bring pain and suffering to those around me.” I let out a humorless laugh. “I haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep in months Yuri, every night I lay in my bed, terrified of what is waiting for me in my dreams.” I look down from Yuri’s face. “The worst part though, is that she’s right. All my life I have done nothing but bring misery to those around me.” Yuri tries to retort but I don’t let her. “My Mom went through years of abuse and torment and I did nothing to stop it, Sayori wanted nothing but to be my friend and yet I crushed our friendship out of jealousy, and when that wasn’t enough I sat back and did nothing as she killed herself, and now…” My voice breaks as I try and suppress the emotions. “Now I’m constantly pushing everyone away, causing you so much pain, I’m tired Yuri, I’m just so tired.” I say in a defeated tone. Yuri stares in horror for a few moments, unsure of what to say, or if there is even anything that can be said in this situation. After a moment she slowly embraces me, softly stroking my back in a soothing motion. “It should have been me.” I whisper softly. “I’m sorry for taking her away from all of you, it should have been me.”

Yuri doesn’t respond, she simply kisses the top of my head. With a shaky breath she breaks the silence. “I’m calling your mother, you need help. I’m not taking no for an answer.” Yuri says with newfound determination. I don’t try and resist, I simply remain silent as Yuri grabs her phone and begins to dial mom’s work.

_April 18, 2019_

I let out a sigh. “And that’s about it.” I say with a sense of finality.

Mrs. Nakamura nods her head, jotting down the last of her notes before clicking the pen in her hand. She remains silent as her eyes scan over the various lines of words scrawled on her notepad. After my failed attempt at suicide, I was immediately put into a mental health hospital for my own safety. Though it didn’t take long for them to realize that I wasn’t going to try again, at least not right away. Nakamura is a psychologist that I was assigned to. Despite my protests both Mom and Yuri were able to convince me to go through with therapy.

Nakamura clears her throat, snapping me out of my train of thought. “and you haven’t had any more suicidal thoughts since then?” She asks.

I simply shake my head. “Not really.” I say with indifference.

“And yet your situation hasn’t improved at all?”

I nod my head in affirmation. “Nope, still having nightmares every night.” I let out a humorless chuckle. “Maybe I’m just insane.”

Nakamura shakes her head. “I can assure you, you’re anything but insane.”

I roll my eyes. “Well isn’t that comforting.” I let out an angry sigh and stand up from the chair. “So is this what we’re going to be doing every week? You’ll ask me how I’m feeling, am I having any negative thoughts? Cause if I’m being honest it sounds like a giant waste of my time.”

Nakamura doesn’t so much as flinch at my rant. “Okay, let me ask you something else then.” She gestures to my chair and with a huff I sit back down. She leans forward in her chair and stares me down for a moment. “Do you want to get better?” She asks.

“Of course I do, it’s not a matter of wanting to get better, it’s the matter of how I’m going to get better. I doubt you have the answer to my situation.” I say dismissively.

“Do you want to die?” She asks bluntly.

Her question catches me off guard for a moment but I quickly regain my composure. “Of course not, nobody wants to die.”

“And yet you see no other alternative. Your exact words were _It needed to be done._ ” Nakamura says while reading from her notebook. I tighten my jaw and remain silent. She lets out a sigh. “Kris, I want to help you, but I can’t do that if you won’t cooperate.”

I sigh in annoyance. “I told you everything, I answered your questions, what more do you want?”

“I don’t think you told me everything, this feeling of worthlessness you have developed didn’t develop in just a few short months. This seems like it’s been festering for a long time. Slowly, until recent events in your life aggravated it to the point where you thought that suicide was the only option.” I remain silent as Nakamura matches my stare. “Am I wrong?” she asks. I don’t answer, I simply break eye contact and look away. She lets out a sigh and her voice takes on a less confrontational tone. “Okay, we will discard that question for now, I have a different one for you. Was this your first attempt?”

My grip on the chair tightens at her question. I close my eyes and let out a heavy sigh. “Yes and no.” I make eye contact and elaborate. “It’s kind of complicated, I had a day planned but I never went through with it.”

Nakamura leans forward in her chair and presses me further. “Okay, let’s start from there. When did this happen?”

“About six months ago.”

Nakamura goes over the timeline of events in her head. “So before Sayori’s death?”

I wordlessly nod my head.

“So this was before the nightmares then?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, start from the beginning, the very beginning. No more lies, no more dancing around the problem. I want you to give me the full uncut story.”

I let out a scoff. “And tell me again how this is supposed to help me?” I say once again.

Nakamura gives me a sympathetic smile. “I don’t know, you haven’t told me anything yet.” I roll my eyes at her. “You said you wanted to get better, if that is true then isn’t it worth a try?” I remain silent. “You have family and friends who want nothing but to see you get better. To move on past this tragedy.” She points her finger at herself. “I want nothing more than to help you get better, but I can’t do that if you won’t cooperate.”

“and if it doesn’t work?” I ask hesitantly.

“Then we try something else, and we try again after that. But if we don’t do anything, then these nightmares, these troubling thoughts that are plaguing your mind will never go away. Isn’t it at least worth a try?” She asks.

I go over her words in my head for a few moments, Nakamura remains silent, giving me time to make a decision. With a defeated sigh I break the silence. “Okay.”

Nakamura smiles at me. “Alright then, start from the beginning.”

I shrug my shoulders. “That’s the problem, I’m not sure where the beginning is.”

Nakamura taps her pen on the arm of her chair in thought. “How about when you moved to Japan? You were pretty young, being forced into a foreign culture away from your old friends and family can be a lot for a young child.”

I shake my head. “I don’t remember much from the United States, I’m not sure if I even had any friends back then, I was pretty young.”

“What about family?”

“Mom’s parents died before I was born in a car accident, she was an only child so I didn’t have any uncles or aunts. Her dad did have a brother but I don’t think he was close to Mom. He usually just sent happy birthday or merry Christmas messages on Facebook, nothing more than that.”

“And your Father’s side of the family?”

I let out a small laugh. “No clue, I learned at a pretty young age that I was to never bring up Dad’s family, if I didn’t want to get smacked that is.”

Nakamura nods her head. “Okay, and you said that you met Sayori shortly after moving to Japan?”

I smile to myself. “Yeah, I couldn’t have been here for more than a few months at most.”

Nakamura goes silent for a moment, scanning over her notes from earlier. “What was your father like when you were young? Was he more compassionate?”

I let out a laugh at the thought. “For as long as I can remember he was a drunken ass. He admittedly got worse as time went on, but no, there was never a time where he was compassionate.” I say putting emphasis on the word compassionate.

“So these thoughts started at a young age then?”

I shake my head. “No, at the time I was too young to know any better. I just thought that was how life was supposed to be like, don’t ask about his family, always say yes sir and no sir, don’t cry unless you want something to actually cry about. It was just the way things were. I didn’t really notice how bad it was until I started going to Sayori’s house.” I smile to myself as the memory plays through my head. Nakamura remains silent, giving me her full, undivided attention. “I was probably about eight years old. Sayori and I were play wrestling in her room. And we both happened to slam into her bookshelf.” I let out a genuine laugh. “and just this avalanche of books rain down on her. I was laughing my ass off until she started crying. And I could hear her dad asking what happened from the other room.” I swallow the lump in my throat, the happiness from the memory quickly fading away. “I remember being so scared for her, I was trying desperately to calm her down, afraid that her dad would hit her if he found her crying. He walks in and I stand up to him and beg him that it was my fault and to not hurt her.” I fall silent for a moment, my heart rate increasing steadily as I relive the anxiety from that day. “But he didn’t yell at her, he didn’t hit her. He soothed her, carried her down stairs and put ice on the bump on her head.” I laugh to myself. “it was so bizarre to me, that’s when I knew that Sayori’s dad was different.” I shrug my shoulders. “So I guess if there was a beginning it was then.” I stare at Nakamura, waiting for her to barrage me with pointless questions. Instead she simply stares at me, wordlessly urging me to continue. “That’s when I noticed the differences between Sayori’s home and mine. She had baby pictures all over the wall, she had home videos of her growing up, the whole nine yards. My house had a picture of my parents at their wedding.” I roll my eyes. “Probably the only time I saw my dad smiling. The rest of the pictures in the house were purely decorative, no sentimental value whatsoever.” My grip on the chair tightens. “There wasn’t even any home videos of me, they had a video from their wedding, and some other one of them at the beach, maybe their honeymoon or something I don’t know, but nothing for me.” I look away from Nakamura as tears threaten to form in my eyes. “No video of me taking my first steps, saying my first words, hell nothing as simple as dancing with my mom to a song or something like that, not a damn thing in that house that related to me growing up existed. Nothing!”

After a moment of silence Nakamura speaks for the first time. “You felt unloved by him.”

I let out a humorless laugh. “Not felt, I knew. We still had a video recorder, I found it in the attic one day, while I was trying to find where mom hid the Christmas presents. But instead of taking it to my mom, who would have gladly said yes if I asked to make a home video, I took it to my dad, I was always trying to find some way to win his approval. He simply swatted the video recorder out of my hand, and then I committed one of the worst sins you can commit in his house.” I make eye contact with Nakamura. “I cried, like a baby I bawled my eyes out and he grabbed me by the shirt and yelled in my face. “Quit your Goddamn crying before I give you something to actually cry about.” Of course that didn’t help any.” I once again break eye contact and regain my composure, scratching my nails against the arm of the chair. After a moment I continue. “I could go on but you get the idea, it was after that when I realized how bad it was at home. And the more I hung out with Sayori, the more it reminded me of how fucked life was for me and mom.”

“And that’s why you broke off your friendship with Sayori.” Nakamura asks.

A heavy sense of guilt weighs over me at the memory. “Yes, I couldn’t stand seeing her parents, her nice house, her cheerful attitude, what started out as bitter jealously transformed into pure resentment. I finally decided I had enough, and I stopped talking to her.” I bite my lip to suppress the tears. “For days, hell even weeks she would come over every day, asking if we could hang out or asking me what she did wrong I…” I lapse into silence, my voice on the verge of breaking. “I would just shut the door on her, when I would walk to school, she would wait for me and try and make conversation, I would either ignore her or just flat out tell her to go away.” Unable to suppress the tears, I look away from Nakamura entirely, my dad’s threatening words still echoing in my mind to this day. “She w-was the nicest p-person in the world, s-she didn’t deserve to be t-treated like…like…” I fall silent and punch the arm of the chair in rage, biting down on my fist to calm down. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Nakamura hand me a box of tissues. I shake my head. “Just give me a second.” I mutter quietly. She places them on the table between us as I slowly regain my composure. Once I somewhat regain my composure I let out a heavy sigh and continue. “I hoped that separating myself from Sayori, would help me forget, or at least ignore the shitty living conditions I was in.”

“But it didn’t, did it?” Nakamura asks.

I shake my head. “Not one bit, after years of silence from Sayori, nothing changed, in fact things got worse and I… I decided I had enough.” I take a breath to try and relax my nerves. “I dug through my parents closet and found the gun dad had hidden in a box, at the time I convinced myself that it was to keep mom safe, in case he ever tried to hit her again.” I shrug my shoulders helplessly. “But I don’t know, I guess part of me knew the only person I planned on killing was myself. It wasn’t like there was any trace of my existence in the house anyway. Might as well make it official.”

“What about your mother?”

I let out a sad sigh. “What about her? She wasn’t going to leave him, she kept insisting that he was a good man, most of the arguments they had were because of something I did.”

“You blamed yourself for her abuse?”

“Of course I did, see my dad knew that I didn’t care if he hit me or yelled at me, especially when I got older. So he would take it out on mom instead, I knew this for a long time yet every chance I got, I would antagonize him, resulting in him yelling or smacking me, which would make mom step up and confront him.” I shake my head in annoyance. “She would never stick up for herself, never, but as soon as he came for me, she would be like a lion protecting her cub.”

“She was your mother, she wanted to protect you no matter what.”

“And I hated her for it, I would constantly ask her why she even put up with him, she would always give the same excuse about him being different, that he could still change, she was in denial.” I look up at the ceiling and close my eyes. “After seeing that mom was never going to leave, I don’t know I just decided that I had enough. Had a day planned and everything.” I let out a bitter laugh. “The night before I start having second thoughts naturally, but after my parents yelled at each other until three in the morning over her accidently spilling a glass of water, well that pretty much erased every doubt in my mind.”

Nakamura stares at me as I lapse into silence. “What changed your mind then?” She asks.

I make eye contact with her and shake my head. “I wake up to go to my last day of school, and you would never believe who I see.” I let out a long, hearty laugh. “After two years of silence between us, out of all the days she could have talked to me, Sayori comes running up behind me, screaming my name and waving her hands in the air like a crazy woman. As if we were still best friends.”

“And that was enough to dissuade you from going through with it?” Nakamura asks.

I smile to myself. “It was, she begged me to join that club of hers and as much as I didn’t want to admit it at the time, I had a lot of fun with everyone there. Months of planning and convincing myself to go through with it, erased in a single moment.” I shrug my shoulders helplessly. “Guess it was fate.”

Nakamura gives me a genuine smile. “She saved your life that day.”

I don’t smile back at her. “And look at how I repaid her. Not even six weeks later, I sat back and watched her commit suicide.”

Nakamura lets out a sigh. “Kris, Sayori’s suicide was not your fault.”

“See that’s where you’re wrong, it was supposed to be me. If I had ignored her that day, if I had not taken her up on her offer to visit her club, she would still be alive.”

“But you wouldn’t be alive.”

“I would have gladly died if it meant Sayori would live, she deserved to be happy.”

“And you didn’t?” Nakamura counters.

I stand up in annoyance and begin pacing the room, unable to sit still. “She deserved it more, she had wonderful parents who loved her with all of their heart, she never, ever abandoned her friends, she was the greatest person I had ever known, and I let her die.”

Nakamura lets out a sigh. “You didn’t let her die, it was out of your control.”

“BULLSHIT!” I yell furiously. “She poured her heart out to me! She told me everything, I had the opportunity to help her but I did nothing. Not a damn thing!”

“You went and checked on her because you were worried, you offered to cancel your plans with Yuri to spend time with her, you offered to have her join you and Yuri, you offered to spend the whole festival with her. Kris, you tried everything to make her feel better. It. Was. Not. Your. Fault.” Nakamura declares.

With a huff, I plop back down into the chair, gripping the arm of the chair tightly. “I could have done more, I could have told her parents, or something.” I let out a sigh. “In the end it doesn’t change the fact that she’s dead, and I’m not.”

Nakamura leans forward, setting down the notepad and pen. “You’re right, nothing will change the fact that she is dead.” I make eye contact with her as she continues. “What you’re feeling is a form of survivors guilt. You think that you should have been the one to have committed suicide, and If you had done so, Sayori would still be alive. Am I correct so far.” I wordlessly nod my head. “Well, what if I were to tell you that you’re wrong. Let’s say you did ignore Sayori that day, and you had gone through with suicide. How do you think Sayori would have felt?” Nakamura asks.

I shrug my shoulders. “I’m sure she would have been upset, but she would have gotten over it.”

Nakamura shakes her head. “And that’s where you are wrong. She would be having the exact same thoughts you are right now. Was it something I said, I should have tried harder, what did I do to end our friendship, It should have been me.” Nakamura lists all of these on each finger, emphasizing her point. “If Sayori was truly sick like she said she was, then there is no doubt in my mind that she, out of guilt, would have taken her own life, resulting in both of you being dead. Am I wrong in assuming as much?” Nakamura asks. I go to retort but no words come out, her words slowly sink in and, as much as I hate to admit it, they make sense. Nakamura nods her head at my silence. “You have convinced yourself that Sayori’s suicide was your fault, to the point where your mind refuses to see the truth. You refuse to believe that her death, while tragic, was unavoidable. Sayori’s parents, your mother, Monika, Natsuki, Yuri, everyone has moved past this tragedy. Yet you are being held down by this sense of guilt, that’s why your constantly haunted by nightmares, it’s not because you’re insane, it’s not her spirit wanting vengeance, it’s your sub-conscious constantly reminding you about your guilt. Years of emotional abuse from your father forced you to close off your emotions. You were never allowed to so much as cry, so you shut out everyone around you when you need them the most. The only way you are going to move past this, is to forgive yourself.”

I stare at Nakamura for a while, unsure of what to say. I wrack my brain for an answer but nothing comes up. Nakamura remains silent, she is patiently giving me time to go over everything she said. At a loss I simply let out a sigh. “How am I supposed to do that?” I ask helplessly.

Nakamura gives me a sad smile. “That’s the tough part, I can tell you all day long that it wasn’t your fault but at the end of the day it has to be you and you alone to convince yourself of that fact.”

I roll my eyes. “If I was able to do that I would have done so already.” I say in an angry tone.

“There is a reason they say we are our own worst enemy. I never said it would be easy, it will be a long difficult process but once you take that first step, the rest will fall into place.”

I put my face in my hands and groan. “And where am I supposed to start?” I ask.

Nakamura falls silent for a moment, deep in thought. “Her parents.” Nakamura says after a moment.

I furrow my brow in confusion. “What about them?”

“Tell them the truth. Tell them what really happened to Sayori.”

I feel my heart skip a beat at the thought. “I-I can’t, it’s b-been months, they most likely have gotten over it by now, why would I want to reopen the wound.” I stutter out.

“That’s what I’m talking about, already your mind is making up excuses, I guarantee you they have not gotten over the death of their only child, if anything it will be good for the both of you. You can start to move on and they can finally gain closure on something I’m positive has been eating away at them all of this time.”

I stutter on my words and let out a sigh of defeat. “They just gave my mom a job, if I were to tell them now, they would hate me, especially after helping me and mom out so much.” I say in a defeated tone.

Nakamura lets out a sigh. “Ask yourself this, are they really the kind of people to do that? Will they really hate you afterwards, is it in their nature?” Nakamura asks.

I smile to myself at the thought. “Probably not, they are too nice for their own good.”

Nakamura smiles at me. “Like I said, we are our own worst enemy.” Nakamura glances at the clock. “We went over our scheduled time but honestly I think we made a lot of progress.” Nakamura points her finger at me. “Talk with them as soon as you can, the longer you wait the harder it will be on you and them.” Nakamura begins to write down in her notebook before continuing. “We will meet next week at this same time.”

I let out a sigh. “How many weeks will I need to keep coming here?”

Nakamura shrugs her shoulders. “As long as it takes. Your friends and family refuse to give up on you, and so do I. Whether you really have something to get off your chest or if you just want to vent your frustrations at someone for a while, my door is open.” Nakamura places her hand on my shoulder and gives me a genuine smile. “You’ve been through so much, a weaker person would have been broken completely by now, but you’re strong. You just don’t realize how strong you really are.”

I give Nakamura a genuine smile for the first time since I came in. “Thank you, I mean that.”

Nakamura nods her head and walks me out of her office. I enter the lobby and meet up with Mom who immediately hugs me upon entering her sight. We begin walking to the bus stop. “How did it go?” Mom asks nervously.

I look her over, she has been a nervous wreck the past few days, because of me. Yet despite everything she still manages to put on a smile, forced as it may be. I smile back at her. “I’ll admit it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.”

A look of relief visibly washes across her face. “That’s great. Did it help any?” She asks hesitantly as the bus pulls up and slowly opens its door.

We board and take our seats, I squeeze moms hand in comfort. “Yeah, I think it did.”

She simply smiles and hugs me tightly. I return the embrace as the bus begins its route. It doesn’t take long for us to reach the stop at our neighborhood. After a short walk we reach the house, before entering I spare a glance at Sayori’s house next door. A sense of anxiety washes over my entire body, am I really going through with this. My train of thought is broken by my phone’s message alert tone. I check and see it’s from Yuri. _“How did it go today?”_ I smile at the message and shoot a quick reply. _“Better than expected actually.”_ I enter my room and flop into bed, my phone going off once again. _“What did you talk about? If you don’t mind me asking of course.”_ I smile at Yuri’s overly formal way of texting. _“I don’t mind, but it’s too much to type and I’m pretty tired, I’ll tell you another time I promise.”_ I set an alarm for the morning, if I am going to talk with Sayori’s parents, I’ll need to catch them early. My phone goes off yet again. _“I understand, I’ll let you go to sleep. Good night.”_

_“Good night.”_ I send the message, plugging the charger into my phone in the process and slowly begin to lose consciousness. The anxiety of telling Sayori’s parents the truth still wracking my entire body.


	20. Chapter 20

_“Show me your insides_

_Show me your secrets_

_Show me what you desire_

_I can fake it_

_Show me what you wanted_

_So I can be it_

_And if I bend just right_

_I can make it”_

“Haven’t you done enough already?”

I refuse to look in Sayori’s direction, I refuse to let her words get to me. She isn’t real, she isn’t here, none of this is real.

Sayori creeps behind me, her icy breath smelling of rot and decay, sending shivers down my spine. “Answer me!” She yells.

I shake my head in defiance. “You’re not real, this is just another nightmare.” I say out loud, more to myself then to Sayori.

Sayori lets out a hoarse laugh. “You will only make things worse for them, you know that right?” Sayori circles me like a buzzard over a dying animal. Her words dripping with malice. “It’s bad enough you lied to them about their own daughter’s death, but now after all of this time, after months of them trying to move past my death, you plan to rip open the wound all over again.” Sayori tilts her head curiously, resulting in a sickening snap, I repress the urge to vomit. “Does your cruelty know no bounds?”

I make eye contact with her. “They deserve to know.” I respond.

“They deserved to know sooner, when it happened. Don’t pretend for a second that you’re doing this for them, this is for yourself and you know it.” Sayori says.

My first thought is to deny her accusation but I stop myself. After a moment I simply smile at her. “You’re right.”

Sayori stares for a moment, taken off guard by my response. “So you admit it then?” She asks skeptically.

“Yeah, this is for my own good, I can’t keep lying anymore, I refuse.” I close the distance between us and take a firm hold of her shoulders. An icy sensation spreads through my hands but I maintain my grip. The accusing glare on Sayori’s face is replaced by one of fear. Good. “That being said, this is also for their own good as well. God knows they at least deserve to know what really happened to their daughter, that I was the one who killed her.”

“They will hate you. You know that right? They will hate your guts for what you did, and you deserve every bit of it!” Sayori yells in a raspy voice.

“Shut up!” I scream into her face. “You’re not her, Sayori would never act this way. I don’t know what you are but you’re not her!” I scream at the top of my lungs.

I was hoping my outburst would have some sort of effect, this was the first time I have ever fought back against my tormentor. My wishful thinking however was shut down by the smile plastered on Sayori’s face. “You can kick and scream all you want, but it will never change the fact that you killed me. It will always be your fault, no matter how many people say otherwise, no matter how many times you say it to yourself.” Sayori breaks free from my grip and wraps her hands around my throat. Her face is mere inches away from mine, her pale lifeless eyes stare right into my soul. “I will never let you forget what you’ve done to me.” She says in a whisper as the dream slowly fades away.

_April 19, 2019_

I shoot up out of my bed in a panic, quickly taking in my surroundings. Breathing rapidly, I find myself back in my room in a cold sweat. I begin to take calming breaths to clear my mind. It was just a nightmare, it’s always just a nightmare. Letting out a sigh of annoyance I fumble for my phone and check the time. 5:36 AM. Well in a way I suppose it works out, if I’m going to talk with Sayori’s parents then I need to catch them before they go to work. Wiping the sweat off my face I slowly stand and enter the bathroom, beginning my usual morning routine. After a quick shower I begin to get dressed in my school uniform, glancing in the mirror I’m greeted by my exhausted reflection. The tired eyes, the bags, the scar, all of it makes me cringe. Hopefully this does something, I repeat Nakamura’s words in my head like a mantra. Worst case scenario they hate me and the nightmares continue. If it comes to that, then I’ll have to find another way. Taking a breath of determination I descend the stairs and exit the house.

The early morning air does little to comfort my anxiety, the short walk to Sayori’s house feels like an eternity. Countless thoughts run through my head as I approach the door. How will I tell them? Will I be able to tell them? Even with every nerve in my body screaming at me to turn back, I muster up the strength to knock on their door. No turning back now. A few seconds later Mrs. Aimoto opens the door, the curious expression of someone who clearly wasn’t expecting visitors this early quickly replaced by one of surprise.

“Kris! What are you doing here so early?” Mrs. Aimoto asks.

I swallow the lump in my throat. “I’m sorry for coming so early, I was hoping to catch you and Mr. Aimoto before work, there’s…” I stumble on my words a bit, with another calming breath I continue. “There’s something I need to talk to you both about.”

Mrs. Aimoto’s facial expression shifts to one of concern. “Is everything okay?” She asks in a concerned tone.

I let out a small, nervous laugh. “Yeah, everything’s fine. I just need to talk to you both if that’s okay?”

“Of course, but Koya isn’t home unfortunately. He’s out of town for a couple of days.”

I feel the small amount of confidence in my body evaporate almost immediately. Of course he wouldn’t be home. I muster a smile for Mrs. Aimoto. “Okay, I’ll come back when he returns then.” I immediately turn to walk home but Mrs. Aimoto’s voice stops me in my tracks.

“Are you sure?” She asks. “Whatever it is you have to tell us I can always relay to Koya?”

“No it can wait I’ll just…” I fall silent for a moment, will I be willing to try this again? It took everything I had to muster up the courage to come here today. I glance in Mrs. Aimoto’s direction and notice the look of concern on her face. No this needs to be said now, I can’t wait anymore. “Actually, it can’t wait.”

Mrs. Aimoto stares for a moment before beckoning me to enter the house. I follow her inside and step into the house. I’m greeted with the all to familiar interior. The perfect walls, the perfect furniture, the perfect home. I feel a cold sense of dread spread throughout my body, I haven’t been in here since Sayori killed herself. I find myself glancing towards the stairs, half expecting to see her suicide letter still neatly folded on the first step. With a shaky breath I take a seat on the couch across Mrs. Aimoto, who is seated in a chair.

“So what is it that you wanted to talk about?” Mrs. Aimoto asks curiously.

I wring my hands together nervously. This is it. “I have something I need to tell you, something that I should have told you long ago.” I stop to take a breath as Mrs. Aimoto leans forward in her chair, giving me her full attention. With trembling hands and a racing heart I begin to speak. “On the day of Sayori’s funeral, you asked me if she had said anything to me, If I had known anything about the cause of her suicide.” Mrs. Aimoto’s body tenses up at the mention of Sayori. “I told you that I didn’t know anything about it, that was a lie.” I put my head down in shame and begin to recount the events of Sayori’s last day on this earth. No details were left out. Mrs. Aimoto doesn’t say a word as I speak, slowly tears begin to form in her eyes as I describe the mental torture Sayori had been burdened with all this time. Once I finally finish, I’m unable to even look her in the eye anymore. “If I had known…If I had known that she would have killed herself, I would have never left her alone. I should have told you at the funeral…” I stop myself. “No, not even then. I should have told you the day I found out. It was clear she needed help and I was so convinced I could give it to her. Instead I only made it worse.” I clench my hands together in a useless attempt to stop them from trembling. “I-I’m sorry for taking her away from you.” I whisper in a weak voice. With my head hung low in shame, I wait for the yelling to begin. The accusations, for her to tell me it was my fault and that they will never forgive me. I wait and wait, but it never comes. Instead a warm hand slowly raises my face up. Mrs. Aimoto’s tear stained face fills my vision.

“This couldn’t have been easy for you to say.” She takes a shaky breath to try and keep her composure. “While Koya and I assumed as much, that she had to have been depressed. It’s good to finally know the truth, to gain closure.”

“It wasn’t, I understand if you can’t forgive me, in fact I’m not asking for your forgiveness. I just felt that you needed to know.” I begin to stand up but Mrs. Aimoto stops me.

“Don’t for a second think that this was your fault.” She says in a firm tone.

I’m taken aback slightly. “It was my fault though, if I had actually done something I could have…”

Mrs. Aimoto puts her hand up to stop me mid-sentence. “You said it yourself, you didn’t know she would…kill herself.” She had to practically force those words out of her mouth. “If it is your fault, then it’s also Koya and I’s fault as well.”

I stare at her in bewilderment. “Don’t say that, you two had no idea about her depression how could it have been your fault?”

Mrs. Aimoto gives me a sad smile. “We were her parents, it’s a parents job to know what’s wrong with their child, to take care of them.” She wipes the tears from her eyes as she continues to speak. “Ever since she died we have done nothing but wonder what we could’ve done differently. Looking back it seems so obvious now that there was something wrong with her.” She stops to take a few breaths to steady her shaking voice. “For months Koya and I blamed ourselves for being so blind, we almost gave up entirely, what was the point of doing anything, this life we had built for ourselves, this house filled with so many memories, what was the point of it all if Sayori wasn’t around.” She makes eye contact with me and gives me a smile. “Until one day it hit us, if we were to let ourselves fall apart, to abandon all of the work we have done, then we would be practically spitting on her grave. My daughter was a kind soul, she always put everyone’s needs above her own even when she was a child.” Mrs. Aimoto lets out a small laugh. “If she could see the state we were in, she would have done everything in her power to make us feel better. She would never want us to wallow in our guilt, not my daughter.” She gently grabs my shoulders. “And I have no doubt in my mind she would say the same thing to you, if she could.”

I shake my head in denial. “I did nothing but mistreat her, I practically abandoned her, she didn’t deserve the pain I put her through.” I look away from Mrs. Aimoto. “No, I have a feeling if she could, she would blame me for everything that happened.”

“You truly have no idea how much she loved you, do you?” Mrs. Aimoto smiles. “The things she did to make you happy, you don’t even know the half of it.” I stare at her in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“I remember one day, years ago she came home from school. You were coming to stay over the weekend and for the entire week she had been so excited I thought she was going to have a heart attack at the age of nine.” We both laugh at the thought of a nine year old Sayori practically jumping for joy at something as simple as me staying over. “The day you were supposed to come, she walks in and she just has the most determined look on her face.” She smiles to herself, tears welling up in her eyes at the memory. “She walked right up to me and practically demanded that we make chicken casserole for dinner that night.”

I laugh to myself. “Of course, it was our favorite food.” I say in a nostalgic tone.

Mrs. Aimoto shakes her head. “No, it was your favorite food.”

I stare at her skeptically. “What are you talking about? Sayori and I ate it all the time.”

Mrs. Aimoto gives me a genuine smile. “Kris, Sayori hated chicken, hated it with a passion. It didn’t matter how I cooked it, or what I served it with she would never eat it.” I simply stare at her in bewilderment. “So you can imagine the confusion I felt that day when she asked me to make it. When I asked her why she wanted chicken casserole when she hated chicken. She told me that you were having a bad day and she didn’t want you to be sad anymore. So she wanted to make your favorite food to try and cheer you up.” She smiles at my shocked expression. “She made me swear to not say anything and sure enough when you came by and dinner was served, she scarfed that food down like it was her favorite meal in the whole world. She even got seconds.” Mrs. Aimoto places her hand on my shoulder. “That was the kind of person my daughter was, so don’t for a second ever suggest that she would blame you. Because you and I both know she wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up over this. Koya and I have come to terms with her death, we have accepted that nothing we do will ever bring her back. The least we can do is live the kind of life she would want for us. The same goes for you, you can tell me all you want that it was your fault and that you deserve to be blamed for her death. No matter how many times you tell me, I will never blame you and Sayori wouldn’t either.” Mrs. Aimoto softly embraces me as I stare at the wall in bewilderment. I slowly return the embrace and hold back the tears.

“Thank you, for telling me about that day.” I say.

She lets out a small laugh. “Thank you for telling me about what had happened. You have no idea how much of a relief it is.”

Mrs. Aimoto breaks the embrace and wipes the tears from her face. She checks the time gasping out loud. “I better get going, you better hurry too. I don’t want you to be late on your first day back.” I give her a genuine smile and say my goodbyes as I exit the house and make my way towards the campus. The heavy sense of guilt that had weighed me down has slightly lessened. It isn’t much but it’s a start.

I find myself standing in front of the club room door. I discreetly glance through the window, Natsuki is entering the closet, Yuri is sitting in her usual spot in the corner of the room by the window and Monika is in the front writing on a piece of paper. I smile to myself, just another day as usual. Taking a breath I gently open the door.

Upon me entering Yuri practically jumps out of her chair in surprise. Monika turns towards me and seems equally surprised, while Natsuki pokes her head out of the closet with a sour expression on her face. I stand awkwardly for a moment, unsure of what to say. Before I can speak Yuri closes the distance and tightly embraces me.

“You didn’t say you were coming back today.” Yuri breaths.

I smile to myself. “Wanted to surprise you.” I respond. Yuri simply hums in response as Monika clears her throat.

“And a surprise it is.” She remarks as Yuri bashfully breaks the embrace, becoming aware of the other’s presence.

I awkwardly scratch the back of my neck. “Listen Monika, about what I said the other day…”

Monika raises her hand and stops me mid-sentence. “Apology accepted. I had a feeling you weren’t telling the truth.” Monika gives me a polite smile. “I’m just glad you’re okay.” She says sincerely.

Natsuki lingers in the back of the room. Refusing to make eye contact with me. The girls give me concerned glances. I take a breath and approach Natsuki, as cautiously as one would approach a growling tiger. “Hey Nat.” I greet awkwardly.

Natsuki replies with a swift slap across my face. I can hear both Monika and Yuri shout her name but I raise my hand to stop them. “It’s alright, I definitely deserved that.” I say rubbing my now sore cheek.

“You’re damn right you deserved that and more!” Natsuki exclaims. She marches right up to me and stares me down, even though I tower over Natsuki’s small figure, her icy glare can make any man feel two feet tall. “You have any idea how stupid of you that was? Any idea at all?” Natsuki asks angrily.

“Trust me, I do.” I let out a dry, humorless laugh. “Looking back now it was a pretty stupid thing to do.”

“You think?” Natsuki asks in a “Yeah no shit” kind of tone. She crosses her arms and lets out a huff. “You of all people should know how suicide affects those around us. The fact you even considered it…” Natsuki’s voice breaks a bit. “You dumbass.” She mutters quietly refusing to make eye contact.

“You’re right, I am a dumbass.” I reply.

“It was the most selfish thing you could have ever done.”

I smile to myself. “Yep, it was pretty selfish.”

“You’re lucky I only slapped you, I would love nothing more than to beat your ass.”

I laugh softly. “And I would let you do it Nat. Not many people have that privilege you know.”

Natsuki falls silent for a moment, she finally makes eye contact, tears welling up in her eyes. She quickly wipes them away and embraces me, catching both me and everybody else completely off guard. To say Natsuki doesn’t hug people is the understatement of the century. I slowly return the embrace and she quickly breaks it, slugging me in the arm afterwards. I hiss in pain.

“That will be the last hug you’ll ever get from me.” She says in a serious tone.

“Damn, after a punch like that I’m not sure I ever want another hug from you anyway.” I say while rubbing my arm.

Natsuki cracks a smile. “Like I said, you got off easy. Don’t pull something like this again or you will be sorry.” She says in a mocking tone.

We both laugh as Yuri and Monika stare in confusion. “Those two have an interesting friendship.” Monika remarks.

“That’s one word for it.” Yuri says.

The rest of the meeting consisted of us just talking about whatever came to mind. Besides when I first walked in, no one else brought up the events of the past few days. If someone were to look in from the outside, it would seem like nothing even happened at all. If I’m being honest I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The meeting ends and everybody says their goodbyes. I approach Yuri as she’s packing up her stuff.

“You have any plans?” I ask.

Yuri softly shakes her head. “Nope, I’m free.”

I give her a smile. “Good, you want to go for a walk?” I ask.

Yuri simply smiles in response, a slight blush creeping on her cheeks like always. We both exit the campus and begin to walk through town.

We walk for a few minutes in silence before Yuri speaks up. “Do we have a destination or are we just walking for the hell of it?”

I let out a small laugh. “There is somewhere I need to go but it’s kind of a far walk.” I fall silent for a moment and take a breath. “Plus I needed to talk with you alone.”

Yuri glances at me curiously. “What is it?”

“I…I wanted to apologize.”

Yuri furrows her brow in confusion. “For what?”

“A lot of things really, the obvious one was trying to kill myself. It was stupid and selfish of me. Never mind the fact that we had already lost Sayori this year, the fact I would even consider doing such a thing…” I grit my teeth in anger at my own stupidity. “I must have put you through hell.” I say in a regretful tone.

Yuri remains silent for a while. “It was scary, I won’t deny that. I can’t imagine how much you had to go through to be pushed to the edge like that.” Yuri takes a breath and wraps her arm around mine, leaning her head on my shoulder. “I don’t need you to apologize, I’m just glad you’re okay.” She whispers softly.

“There’s more though, when I found you in the art room, when you were cutting yourself.” I lick my lips nervously. “The reason I was so desperate to help you wasn’t because I thought you were suicidal.” Yuri stares at me curiously as I continue. “I tortured myself for not doing anything for Sayori, I would have traded everything to get one more chance to make things right. So when I found you that day, the thought of doing nothing terrified me, I thought that If I was able to help you that I would redeem myself in some way. That the nightmares would stop.” I let out a sigh. “It was selfish, I helped you to help myself and for that I’m sorry.” We continue to walk in silence before the sound of Yuri’s laughter shatters it completely. I stare at her in confusion.

“You are the only person I have ever met that would try and make the act of helping someone seem selfish.” Yuri giggles some more before playfully hitting my arm. “Like I said you don’t need to apologize about anything. Besides, before you found me in the art room, you were doing more for me than most people have ever even bothered to.” I stare at her in bewilderment for a moment before laughing myself. “You have any more apologies to hand out or is that all?” Yuri asks in a teasing tone.

“I think I’m good.” I say with a smile.

“Good, cause if I’m being honest, I’m starting to run out of pity.” Yuri says in a teasing tone. I playfully roll my eyes on her as we reach my destination. The playful look on Yuri’s face disappears as we idle in front of the cemetery. “This is where you were heading?” Yuri asks quietly.

I nod my head. “Yeah.” We stand in silence for a few moments before I let out a sigh. “There’s something I need to do, so I have a favor to ask.”

“What is it?” Yuri asks curiously.

“Can you wait for me here? I need to go see her alone. I won’t take long, I promise.”

Yuri smiles sadly at me and kisses my cheek. “Take as long as you need, I’ll be here.”

I smile at her and proceed to enter the cemetery. Walking the trail, I slowly begin to remember the way to Sayori’s grave. With every step I feel a cold sense of dread spread throughout my body. Eventually I reach the family gravestone. Sayori’s parents names are still printed in red, signaling that they are still alive, while Sayori’s is simply black. I slowly run my hand over her name, tracing the Kanji with my finger. I slump to the ground, my back against the grave. After a few moments of silence I awkwardly begin to speak.

“Hey there Bun.” I say in a whisper. Obviously I’m not waiting for an answer. They say it does you good to just talk, even if they aren’t able to respond. Still doesn’t make it any less awkward. “I know you don’t like to be disturbed while you’re sleeping so I won’t keep you.” I swallow the lump forming in my throat and take a shaky breath. “I’m so sorry Bun, I really am. I should’ve done more for you. I shouldn’t have left you for all of those years. God knows you didn’t deserve it.” I wipe away the tears falling down my face. “I won’t bother asking for your forgiveness. Because I don’t deserve it.” I let out a humorless laugh. “Everyone keeps saying it wasn’t my fault but you and I both know it is. Nothing will convince me otherwise.” I slowly begin to pick at the grass as I speak. “I wonder sometimes, did you happen to know that day? That I was planning on killing myself.” I shake my head and laugh. “It’s ridiculous, there was no way you could’ve known and yet your timing was just so damn perfect.” I shrug my shoulders helplessly. “I guess that knowledge died with you.” I sit in silence for a moment, letting myself gain my composure, the words of my father still ringing in my head so many years later. “You probably already know this but I was jealous of you. I hated how you had a great home, great parents, a great life. So much so that when you told me your secret I almost didn’t believe you.” I rest my head against the gravestone and stare at the evening sky, watching the dying light of the day slowly disappear. “I remember thinking, how could somebody that has is so good possibly have depression?” I laugh bitterly. “It was stupid of me and I’m sorry. But the worst thing of all was, I hated how you were the one that killed yourself. It was supposed to be me, you came right back into my life and pulled me onto my feet only to go and kill yourself instead.” I let out a hearty laugh. “That is so like you, to put others above yourself, to the point where you were willing to kill yourself to spare us from the burden you so foolishly thought you were. I don’t know why you did it, maybe you were like me and felt like it was your only option, or maybe you thought killing yourself would save my life.” I let out a long sigh. “I will never know the answer but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. I killed you and I don’t think I will ever forgive myself. But that’s okay because if there’s one thing you taught me is that everyone has the ability to lie, even someone as pure hearted as you. So when Yuri or anyone else for that matters ask me if I still blame myself, my answer will always be no. While I may never forgive myself, I refuse to let myself spiral out of control again. Killing myself would do nothing for me, it would only hurt everyone else and I know you would never want that. I don’t either. Maybe one day I can convince myself that it wasn’t my fault but until then, living in this world without you is punishment enough.” I let out a sigh and check my phone, deciding that I spent enough time here I slowly stand up and dust myself off. I take one last look at Sayori’s grave. “Sweet dreams Bun.” I pat the grave stone affectionately and begin walking back to the entrance, feeling a bit better than before.

Yuri sits up from the bench as I approach her. “You okay?” Yuri asks timidly.

I flash her a smile. “Yeah, I think I am.”

Yuri smiles at me and wraps her arm around mine again as we begin to walk home. She rests her head on my shoulder, content with the knowledge that I’m fine. Sometimes it’s just best to lie, as long as she’s fine, then I’m fine. Simple as that.


	21. Chapter 21

_“I'm holding back right now_

_  
Cause I'm numb to what's around_

_  
I miss the life I used to have with you right here_

_  
Now everything has turned to grey_

_  
And I'm blacking out the shades for now”_

_May 23, 2020_

_One year later_

“How was your week?” Nakamura asks.

I lean back in the chair and shrug my shoulders. “It was alright, nothing too exciting happened.” I say with indifference. I have been attending these therapy sessions for over a year now. While the same questions do get pretty redundant, Nakamura has proven herself to be a caring person. Almost all of our talks end on a positive note and her loving but stern demeanor is a great source of motivation to make it through the week.

“Any nightmares this week?”

I tighten my jaw and let out a tired sigh. “Yeah, I had two, or at least I think I had two.”

Nakamura stares at me for a moment. “Care to elaborate?”

“Well it’s hard to know for sure. Some nights I sleep all the way through and wake up feeling refreshed. But sometimes I just wake up in the middle of the night.” I say spreading my hands out helplessly.

Nakamura jots down a few notes while I explain. “Well what kind of nightmares? Were they as intense as they were in the beginning or are they less disturbing?”

I let out a small chuckle. “That’s the thing, I don’t remember the nightmare when I wake up.”

“Well have you considered the possibility that maybe you aren’t having a nightmare? Some people just wake up in the middle of the night.”

“Well I guarantee those people don’t wake up in the middle of the night crying while drenched in sweat.” I retort. I rub my face and let out a sigh. “I mean it’s better then it was before, that’s for sure. I just wish I knew what the nightmare was you know? I don’t like waking up in tears for no reason.”

Nakamura gives me a sympathetic smile. “I understand the frustration and I’m sure with time the nightmares will disappear completely, but unfortunately there’s no “cure” for nightmares, you just have to keep taking it one day at a time.” I go to argue but ultimately stop myself, she does make a good point, it’s just a hard pill to swallow. “In the meantime, is there anything else you wanted to discuss this week?”

I smile to myself. “Actually there is something I want to discuss.”

“That’s what I’m here for, what is it?” Nakamura asks.

“Well this is going to be our last appointment.”

Nakamura is taken by surprise. “Really? Any particular reason why?”

“Well I decided that it’s about time I left Kyoto. Yuri and I plan on moving to Sendai for university.”

Nakamura gives me a genuine smile. “That’s great! A change of scenery would probably do you some good as well.” Nakamura lets out a small laugh but soon notices my discomfort. “Is something wrong?” She asks in a concerned tone.

My grip on the chair tightens. “There’s something I wanted to do before I leave, you suggested it to me a few months ago and…” I swallow the lump that had formed in my throat. “…I want to visit my Dad.”

Nakamura’s face takes on a concerned expression. “Are you sure? You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, you could just move on with your life.” Nakamura warns.

I shake my head. “No, if I leave without saying something then it’ll feel like I was just running away from him. At least to me it would.” I stare at Nakamura, a new found sense of determination spreading throughout my body. “I have to do this.”

Nakamura stares at me, the silence dragging out before she finally smiles at me. “You truly have come a long way since our first meeting I’ll say that much.” Nakamura stands from her chair and extends her hand towards me. “Very well, if this truly is our last meeting, then it was a pleasure getting to know you Kris.”

I stand up and shake Nakamura’s hand. “The pleasure was all mine doc, you have done a lot for me over the past year. I’ll never forget it.”

“If you’d like, I could refer you to some associates of mine in Sendai.” Nakamura offers.

I politely refuse her offer. “I appreciate the offer, but it won’t be necessary, I don’t want to move to Sendai with the mindset that I’m still sick.” I give her a genuine smile. “Not too mention Yuri will be there to knock some sense into me if I slip, so I think I’m in good hands.”

Nakamura lets out a laugh. “She’s lucky to have someone like you.”

I smile to myself. “No, I’m the lucky one.” I say my goodbyes to Nakamura and exit the building.

I enter my house and ascend the stairs to find my bedroom door open, I peek inside and roll my eyes at the sight. Yuri is standing over my bed, my clothes folded into several neat stacks. She scowls to herself as she goes through the mountain of clothes that have yet to be folded. I enter the room and shut the door behind me, getting little to no reaction from Yuri. She simply continues folding before speaking up. “I swear for someone who wears the same thing almost every day, you have an ungodly amount of clothes.” Yuri says, annoyance prevalent in her voice.

I let out a chuckle and make my way towards her. “I don’t remember asking you to pack for me, you put this burden upon yourself.”

Yuri gives me a side glare. “And you’re the one who hasn’t packed yet, the last thing I want is to find you frantically shoving everything into a suitcase the day of the move.” Yuri counters.

I let out a laugh, unable to argue with her logic. I step behind her and wrap my arms around her waist. “Admit it, it’s one of the things you love about me.” I say in a teasing tone.

Yuri scowls to herself. “Only you would confuse frustration with affection.” Yuri says in an annoyed tone, but the slight blush on her cheek and the act of her leaning into my embrace tell me it’s all in good fun. Yuri hums to herself before breaking the silence. “How did it go today?” She asks quietly.

I shrug my shoulders. “Oh you know, I let her down easy but naturally she was still devastated.”

Yuri giggles to herself. “Was she now?”

“Yeah, lots of tears and curses, maybe a thrown chair or two, I’ll spare you the details.” Yuri and I both laugh. She places her arms on top of mine as we remain embraced. Just a few short months ago, Yuri had finally stopped wearing long sleeve sweaters everywhere she went, exposing her scars to the world. It was a bit rocky at first, the noticeable stares from people when we would go out was demoralizing for her, but over time she slowly began to ignore the stares and with the help of my angry glare deterring anybody from asking about them, she has gained the confidence to not hide her arms. I glance at the scars on her forearm, many old ones with some new ones sprinkled in when things got tough, it has been an uphill climb for the both of us. That being said, a fresh start somewhere else has both Yuri and I excited if not a little nervous.

“I can’t wait to move.” Yuri says quietly.

“Yeah me too, it will be nice to get away from this place.” I let out a dry, humorless laugh. “Nothing but good memories here after all.” I say sarcastically.

Yuri rolls her eyes. “Oh come on, it wasn’t all bad. There were some good things to come out of this place.” Yuri says in a teasing tone.

I furrow my brow in thought. “Nothing really comes to mind.” Yuri swiftly elbows me in the gut dragging a laugh out of me.

“I hate you.” She says softly.

I smile and pull her closer. “I love you too.” I whisper, kissing Yuri on the neck near her collarbone.

“We should really finish packing.” Yuri gasps.

“What’s the rush?” I whisper into her ear.

Her cheeks taking on a deep shade of crimson, she stumbles on her words. “W-we only have two d-days.” Yuri retorts, her nails digging into my back.

I let out a small laugh. “Exactly that’s forty eight hours. Plenty of time.”

Yuri giggles. “You’re right, knowing you this will only take five minutes tops.” She says in a teasing tone.

I look Yuri in the eye, feigning a pained expression. “That was hurtful.”

Yuri giggles before letting out a yell of surprise as I place my hands on the back of her thighs and lift her up. Her legs wrapped around my waist, I slowly back peddle to the bed and sit down, knocking over the neatly folded stack of clothes in the process. Yuri sighs in annoyance as she straddles my lap. “I just folded those you know.” She remarks quietly, the scolding tone of her voice contrasting the playful expression on her face.

I smirk at her in response. “It’s not like I wear them anyway.”

Yuri responds with a passionate kiss that I swiftly return. Yuri hums to herself sending vibrations onto my lips as she slowly rocks her hips, only stopping briefly to allow me to pull her shirt over her head. She yelps in surprise again as I lift her up and gently lay her down on her back. I hover over her body, one hand gently caressing her cheek, while the other traces the outer side of her thigh while marveling at the otherworldly beauty she possesses. Everything from her naturally fair skin, her raven black hair sprawled onto the bed with just a few loose strands falling over her shoulders, to the rich, deep amber color of her eyes, complete with the crimson shaded blush that always comes over her face during these moments of intimacy. Yuri gently locks her legs around me, placing her hand on my cheek. Her fingertips sending phantom sensations across the permanently numbed area on my face. My one insecurity will always be the scar on my face, a thing I’ll never be able to hide from anyone, not that I need to however for Yuri is not bothered by its presence. All thoughts leave my mind, any thoughts of the past, of the move, of what I still need to do before leaving, all of it means nothing in these few precious moments. Unfortunately, like all things, it doesn’t last forever.

I stare at the ceiling in thought. Yuri laying on top of me, her raven black hair sprawled over us like a blanket, normally her soft breathing and the gentle thud of her heartbeat lull me into a peaceful slumber. On this night however, I’m not afforded that luxury. My mind races with thoughts of tomorrow, what I plan to say, what he will say in response, is this even a good idea? All of this and more race through my mind until I see Yuri lift her head and look me in the eye.

“Is something wrong?” She asks softly.

I smile to myself. She’s as sharp as ever, never missing anything. It’s become almost impossible to hide things from Yuri over this past year. Not that it’s a bad thing. “I was going to wait until tomorrow but since you asked.” I match her stare and let out a sigh. “I have a favor to ask.”

Yuri furrows her brow in confusion. “What is it?”

“I plan on going to see my Dad tomorrow, but… I don’t want to go alone.” I say hesitantly.

Yuri lays her head onto my chest. “Are you sure about this? You could always wait until you’re ready.” She asks quietly.

I shake my head. “No, the longer I wait the harder it will be. There are things I need to say, things he needs to hear.”

Yuri remains silent for a few moments, her fingers nervously drumming on my chest. “If you’re sure about this, then I’ll go with you.” She raises her head and once again makes eye contact. “Just remember not to let whatever he says get to you, it doesn’t matter what he thinks. Just say your peace and get out. Please.” Yuri says, concern prevalent on her voice.

I smile at her concern. “Thank you.” I say gratefully. Yuri smiles and nuzzles her head into my chest, sighing to herself. I look up at the ceiling once again, Yuri’s words giving little comfort to my growing anxiety.

_May 24, 2020_

We sit in silence as Yuri drives us towards Kyoto Prison. For a graduation gift her Father bought her a Nissan Note (black because of course) and she offered to drive me. An offer I normally refuse but on a day like today I welcomed the gesture. We ride in silence, Yuri sneaking worried glances at me occasionally as I restlessly drum my fingers on my leg. My once racing thoughts are now blank as we make our way towards the prison. Yuri grips the wheel with her left hand while resting her right hand on the console with her palm facing up. A wordless gesture but one that I take by placing my hand within hers, gently squeezing it. We don’t breathe a word as the prison comes into view.

We sit for a moment in the parking lot, neither of us breaking the silence as the minutes tick by. I begin to restlessly bounce my leg up and down. A fresh sheen of sweat plastered on my face. Yuri clears her throat and finally breaks the silence.

“Do you want me to come with you?” She cautiously asks.

I simply shake my head. “Just give me a sec.” I mutter quietly. After a few more minutes I let out a sigh and open the door. “I wont be long.” I say to Yuri.

“Take all the time you need, I’ll be out here.” Yuri reassures. I smile at her in response and gently caress her cheek with my hand (ignoring the way they are trembling) and exit the car.

Every step I take towards the prison sends a shiver down my spine. As I wait for them to escort me to the visitation room, I go over everything I planned on saying. Within no time, I’m escorted to a chair sitting in front of a pane of glass, another empty chair on the other side with a phone next to each. Before my swarming thoughts get the better of me and I take the chance to bolt out of the prison, He comes into view. It’s only been a year but it’s almost like I’m seeing a different person. He’s lost a considerable amount of weight since being imprisoned, most likely due to the lack of alcohol. His beard and hair have a few more strands of grey. The only thing that indicates that this man is indeed my father is his eyes, they are the same shade of blue as mine but unlike me they are dull, almost lifeless. He stares at me for a moment, his face plastered with an unreadable expression. After what feels like an eternity, he slowly takes his seat and grips the phone. In perfect unison we both unhook the receiver and place it towards our ears.

An uncomfortable silence falls over us, we both stare each other down but neither of us break the tension. His facial expression is still unreadable and no matter how hard I try I can’t get myself to talk. After several false starts I gain the strength to speak, but he beats me to the punch.

“How’s your mother?” He asks in a gruff voice.

I blink in surprise, taken aback by his sudden question. I quickly regain my composure and clear my throat. “She’s fine, she...she got a job with the Aimotos as their secretary.” I respond, my voice wavering a bit. I grip the phone as tightly as I can to hide the fact that my hands are still trembling.

“That’s good.” Dad simply responds. We again fall into silence once again. This time however his gaze focuses on my face. His eyes lingering on my scar. A feeling of anger swells up in my chest taking over my anxiety. I match his gaze, daring him to ask how I got it. “Why are you here?” He asks in an almost annoyed tone.

His question again take me by surprise. “What?”

“Out of everyone that could have visited me you were the last person I expected. Not even your mother came by to see me since I’ve been in here.”

I let out an angry laugh. “Maybe there’s a reason for that? Did you expect her to visit the man that did nothing but abuse her for years?” I say angrily. My fist clenched tightly under the table.

Dad scowls at me. “If you’ve come to lecture me on how shitty of a husband and father I was you’re wasting your time. The last thing I need is to be lectured by a child.” He says dismissively.

I stand up from my chair and stare him down with eyes full of fury, wishing that there wasn’t a thick pane of glass between us. “That’s all you have to say to me? Over a year locked behind bars and you still treat me like some ignorant child?” I ask in a flat, even tone. He doesn’t respond, he simply returns my glare. I turn my cheek towards him, showing him the consequences of his drunken actions. “Take a good look, this was the result of your “parenting”, in fact I’m lucky to even be alive!” I shout at the top of my lungs, getting a few stares from the guards in the room. I sit back down in the chair and take a few breaths to calm myself, Dad remains silent. After gaining my composure I let out a humorless laugh. “I didn’t come here to make you beg me for forgiveness, I didn’t come to ask you why, why you did the things that you did.” Dad goes to speak but I stop him. “Don’t bother trying to answer that, I doubt anything you say will make it right.”

“Is there a point to all of this then? Or are you just wasting my time?” Dad interrupts.

I let out another humorless laugh before responding. “She snorts when she laughs.”

He stares at me in confusion. “What?”

I look him in the eye. “Mom, when she laughs, and I mean actually laughs not that fake excuse of a laugh she did around you, she snorts. I have never heard her laugh so genuinely for as long as I can remember.” I lean forward in the chair. “This is the point of my visit. I didn’t come here to lecture you, god knows you wouldn’t listen anyway. No, I came here to tell you that she has been happy, for the first time in eighteen years Mom is genuinely happy. She has a job, she has friends, she has a life, all things that she was never allowed to have with you around.”

“Now who the hell do…” I stop him mid-sentence by slamming my fist into the glass.

“Goddammit! For once in your life would you just keep your mouth shut?” He falls silent from my sudden outburst. I take a breath, running my hand through my hair, and speak in a lower, more calm tone. “I didn’t come here to yell at you, I didn’t come here to tell you how much I hate you, after all the last words a son should say to his Father should never be ones of hate and animosity. Even for a Father as pathetic as you.”

Dad furrows his brow in confusion. “What do you mean last words?” He asks.

My grip on the phone tightens and I swallow the lump in my throat. “I mean just that. This is the last time we will speak to each other, ever. I’m moving tomorrow, going to university, not that you care about any of that. My point is this, Mom has moved on, and I’m moving on as well. As for you, you are being left behind. I don’t know when you get out of here, if I had it my way, I would see to it that you never be allowed to leave this prison. But when you do get out.” I lean forward in my chair and speak in a dangerous tone. “You will not talk to mom or I, you will not try to find us, if there is some part of you, some small insignificant part of you that actually gives a damn, you will do us both a favor and stay out of our lives. You have done nothing but cause pain and suffering to the both of us, but those days are over. You had your chance to be a loving husband and father, but that chance was lost long ago.” I stare him down, Dad’s expression remains unreadable but his icy glare has noticeably softened. I clench my teeth and repress the built up emotions threatening to break free. “I truly hated you, for so long I hated everything about you.” I let out a humorless laugh. “But in the end that hate has given me nothing. It’s only weighed me down, as much as you don’t deserve it, I have chosen to forgive you.” His eyes widen in surprise. “I don’t know what made you this way and I don’t care. I use to be afraid of you once upon a time but now, seeing you in front of me. All I feel is pity, that a man can stoop as low as you have, it’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.” Dad doesn’t respond, his grip on the phone tightening at my words, his face remaining as frustratingly unreadable as ever, I don’t know what I was expecting, for him to break down into tears and beg me for forgiveness or for him to fly into an unbridled rage and curse my very name. Despite the disappointment I feel an odd sense of satisfaction. I stand up and spare one last glance at my father before hanging the phone up. “I hated you for all of my life, but at the same time I loved you. You only get one father in this life and as much as I want to say I didn’t love you, I did. Even if you didn’t love me back.” I hang up the phone and swiftly make my way out of the room. Ignoring the pounding of fists on the glass behind me, whether he was crying out for forgiveness or in anger I’ll never know. I simply looked straight ahead and kept walking.

Yuri lets out a sigh and leans back in the seat. She checks the time on her phone and glances towards the prison for the seventeenth time. She sits up straight when she notices me come into view however. I reach the car door but don’t open it, I turn around and lean against it. Taking calming breaths to try and repress the tears. After a stifled sob escapes my lips, I place my fist into my mouth and bite down. The sound of the car door opening behind me gets my attention.

“Just g-give me a second.” I stammer out quietly, cursing the way my voice cracked with emotion. The sound of footsteps approaching me, convey that Yuri didn’t listen. I feel her arms wrap around me. “I told you to g-give me a s-second.” I mutter quietly.

“And I didn’t listen.” Yuri responds, her grip only tightening around me. I return her embrace and rest my chin on top of her head. Letting out silent tears and stifled sobs. Yuri thankfully doesn’t ask about what happened, she understands better then anyone that sometimes it’s best to just not ask. After a few minutes I take a breath to regain my composure, wiping the tears from my face with trembling hands.

“I don’t know about you but I’m ready to get as far away as possible from this place.” I say with a forced smile.

Yuri returns it. “Good, we still have to pack after all.” She says in a light scolding tone.

I roll my eyes at her. “Yes dear.” I say in a monotone voice.

We both enter the car and Yuri begins to drive us back towards the house. I simply stare out the window in silence, Gently caressing Yuri’s hand with my thumb. I’m unsure if I got to say everything I wanted to say, but I can’t deny this odd feeling of satisfaction. Like a heavy weight has just been lifted off of my chest and I’m finally able to breathe freely. It’s a nice feeling. “Thank you, for coming with me.” I say sincerely.

Yuri smiles to herself and tightens her grip on my hand. “You’re welcome.”


	22. Epilogue

_“I’m doing everything I can to try and fix it_

_But knowing me I’ll probably miss it_

_These voices get so vicious_

_Feels like I’m rippin stitches_

_I wish some days I could go back_

_Before life changed, it was so fast_

_That time is gone and I know that_

_All that we have is a moment”_

The bright light stings my eyes, temporarily blinding me for a moment. As my eyes slowly adjust, I find myself walking down a familiar sidewalk, a familiar neighborhood. Immediately I recognize the snug, fitted sensation of my old school uniform pressing against my body, the slight weight of my backpack pulling on my shoulders. The sounds of my footsteps echo all around me, seemingly coming from every direction, echoing for what seems like an eternity. Walking down this endless sidewalk a familiar figure comes into view, curled into a ball on the ground. Seeing Sayori’s shivering form sends a chill down my spine, even after all these years I never get used to the sight. The sickly, pale hue of her once fair skin shining in the light, the appalling scratches and rope burn on her neck, right down to the way her eyes, eyes that once rivaled the most brilliant sapphires, eyes that were as deep as the ocean itself, now misty, pale, dead. Her pale, lifeless eyes look up at me from her sickly hands. I stop in my tracks and match her stare. Slowly her sickly form rises from the ground, never breaking eye contact.

“Murderer.” Sayori’s hoarse voice echoes around me, the intensity of the noise makes my body want to drop onto its knees, but I remain firm and stand my ground.

I take a step towards her, showing no signs of fear. “I know.” I respond in a whisper.

Sayori’s face softens for just a moment before a sneer forms. “You killed me!” She shouts, the sheer intensity of her voice almost knocking me onto my knees again, I manage to regain my balance and force myself to move forward, every step sending a sharp, pulsing pain into my head. Sayori becomes noticeably more paranoid, she begins to take steps away from me. “I was finally happy. Why? Why did you ruin it?” Sayori asks in a pained tone. The previous intensity of her voice is fading. Her pained expression however is like a knife to the gut, regardless I proceed to move forward. Step by step, I labor through the pain as Sayori slowly sinks to her knees, frantically whispering to herself. “Why? Why? Why? Why?” She repeats the question like a mantra over and over again, each time it sends a stab into my gut, just when it feels like the pain is too much, I manage to cross the distance between us. Like walking into the eye of a hurricane everything stops, the powerful echoes of her voice fall silent, the stabbing pain in my body fades almost immediately.

Sayori stares at me from the ground, her eyes still repeating the same question even though her mouth isn’t moving. I slowly lower myself onto one knee and look her in the eye. “I was selfish.” I confess, her dead eyes widen in surprise as I continue. “I was selfish and took everything you did for me, all of the good you brought into my life for granted. No amount of apologies on my part will ever make it okay.” I shake my head and let out a humorless laugh. “You know I spent so much time trying to find a way to forgive myself, but after so long I finally came to the realization that I will never forgive myself, not completely anyway.” I flash her a smile and stand up, extending my hand towards her. She stares at it like a caged animal, timid, afraid. After a heartbeat she slowly takes my hand, the cold, clammy feeling of her hand in mine sends a chill throughout my body, regardless I gently help her up.

Sayori stares at me for a few moments, her pale eyes searching mine for answers. “You feel no regret for what you have done?” She asks skeptically.

I shake my head at her. “Of course I do, I regret it every day.” I clamp both my hands around hers, ignoring the way they tremble. “And as much as I would like to just let the guilt of your death consume me, to just lay down and die.” I swallow nervously, my hands still trembling no matter how hard I squeeze Sayori’s. “I just can’t, I have people in my life who need me, a family of my own now.” I feel a smile tug at my lips as the memories of the past few years come rushing in. The trembling in my hands subside as Sayori stares at me in both confusion and pain.

“So you would just forget about me then? Act like I never existed at all, is that it?” She asks, stifling a sob.

I let out a small laugh. “I think you and I both know that could never happen, I couldn’t forget about you even if I wanted to.” I pull her into an embrace, and to my surprise I feel warmth spread throughout my body. The once sickening scent of decay is replaced by the familiar smell of her favorite perfume. I breathe the scent in deeply, as if I’m taking my very first breath of fresh air. The snug feeling of my uniform is replaced by the soft fabric of an old, faded T-shirt and shorts, the same clothes I fell asleep in.

Sayori hums to herself, her voice no longer hoarse and cold, but warm and filled with life. “So warm.” She remarks. She looks up at me, her dead eyes filled with life, hesitantly she breaks the silence. “I should probably confess something, I’m not… I’m not really…”

“I know.” I respond, stopping her mid-sentence. “You’re not really Sayori. Sayori has been dead for a long time.” Such a simple sentence, a statement of fact and yet the words still pain me as they escape my lips. “You’re just the guilt that I have carried with me all these years, always present like a scar, never fading.” Sayori stares for a moment before letting out a sheepish laugh, god how I missed that sound, how long has it been since I heard it? “And while I will never forget Sayori, I have to let you go. Or you’ll drag me down once again.” As quickly as it began, the dreamscape begins to fade away. Sayori, with a pained expression, steps away as the scene before me blurs from existence.

I sit up in a cold sweat, my eyes slowly adjusting to the dark. As I linger on the edge of sleep and lucidness, the dream quickly fades from my memory, no matter how hard I grasp for it. The effort is wasted, the dream slips away completely like sand through my fingers. I let out a defeated sigh and quietly get out of bed, making sure not to disturb Yuri. I silently enter the bathroom and lean over the sink gripping the sides tightly. It doesn’t take me long to determine that the dream was about Sayori, it’s a rare occurrence, one that I’ve come to accept. Like always though I can never recall the dream, was it so terrifying, so painful that my mind simply chooses to forget about it to protect itself? I’ll never know for sure. I can feel tears stream down my face, immediately I straighten up and check my surroundings making sure nobody is around, the angry sound of my Father’s threats still echoing in my mind all these years later. I let out a bitter laugh and wipe my face. “How pathetic, twenty nine years old and you’re still afraid to cry.” I mutter to myself. I splash some water on my face and exit the bathroom. You know what they say, old habits die hard.

_January 22, 2029_

_Ten Years later_

It’s funny really, we constantly say to ourselves that we will never forget the people we love, yet as time goes on we do begin to forget. Not anything crucial mind you but over the span of a few years we begin to forget the finer details, the little things that at the time we took for granted. I still remember Sayori’s face, the color of her eyes, her goofy personality, everything that made her Sayori, but the little things like the sound of her laughter, the way her voice sounds, these finer details allude me and I often wonder how many years will it take for me to forget her face? These thoughts cross my mind as I walk down the hallway, the warm cup of coffee in my hands giving me some comfort. Needless to say I didn’t go back to sleep last night, I spent the last few hours before dawn simply wandering the house, trying to remember what the dream was about, unsuccessfully of course. I stop in front of Yuri’s study and enter. The room is rather small, only a desk and chair with a single window serving as a natural source of light. The main draw of the room however is the large bookcase overtaking the wall opposite the door. Rows and rows of books are lined up in the shelf, all of various genres to the most wondrous of fictional novels to the bone chilling tales of horror, one section of the shelf however is relatively empty save for a few books. I run my hands along the spines of these priceless pieces of work, Yuri reserved this spot for her Mother’s books, while also adding hers to the collection as well. Yuri decided to follow in the footsteps of her late Mother, while some of her early works went under the radar, she eventually hit her stride in the surreal horror genre, unsurprising to anybody that knows her, They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. The rest of the room is filled with notes that to anybody but the author herself, look disorganized, the writings of a mad woman. The alluring aroma of breakfast snaps me out of my thoughts and sparing one more glance to the study I make my way to the kitchen.

Upon entering I spot Yuri standing in front of the stove, I slowly approach her from behind and wrap my arms around her waist. She jumps slightly but slowly leans back into me. Her long hair normally falls all the way down her back but today she has it kept it up in a pony tail. In a few hours she begins her first book tour and the publisher’s are insisting she puts her hair up for a more “professional” public appearance, much to her dismay. “Good morning.” Yuri says quietly.

“Morning.” I reply tightening my grip on her. “You excited?”

Yuri bites her lip nervously. “More like terrified, I can barely keep my head on straight this morning.”

I eyeball the counter and let out a small laugh. “Does that explain why you murdered those poor defenseless eggs.” I nod my head towards the now empty carton of eggs, the counter is covered with pieces of egg shells and yolk, as if she decided to smash the eggs with enough force that the Hulk would blush.

Yuri lets out an embarrassed laugh. “I tried okay, my hands were shaking like crazy.”

“I hope you were able to get some of the eggs in the pan.” I say with uncertainty. Yuri slaps my arm in protest as we both let out a laugh. “You’re going to do great.” I whisper in her ear.

Yuri closes her eyes and lets out a sigh. “I hope so, still wish it wasn’t for an entire week.”

“What think I can’t handle things myself around here?” I ask feigning offense. Yuri simply glances at me and shrugs her shoulders. “Oh okay, I see how it is.” I remark teasingly probing her side with my fingers immediately getting a reaction out of her.

Yuri pulls away holding back her laughter. “Stop!” She demands, a smile threatening to form on her face.

I take slow steps towards her. “Stop what? I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I say feigning ignorance. Yuri tries to side step me but I get her in my arms once again and poke her sides again getting a half laugh, half snort out of her. “Take back what you said.” Yuri tries desperately to hold in her laughter, unsuccessfully.

“Okay, o-okay, I take it back just s-stop.” She utters between fits of laughter. I eventually ease up and receive a swift elbow to the side. “I hate when you do that shit.” Yuri says as I hiss in pain.

I embrace her once more before a high pitched voice rings out from the other room. “Daaaaaaad!” I groan softly as Yuri breaks the embrace and returns to the stove. As I enter the living room, the same voice calls out to me once again with a slight amount of impatience thrown in. “Daaaaaad!”

“Asami!” I shout back in a high pitched tone. Getting a giggle out of the five year old girl. I plop down next to her and ruffle her hair as she yells in protest. “What’s the matter?”

She eagerly holds up a sheet of paper inches from my face. “I finished my homework!” She exclaims with an overabundance of joy.

I let out a laugh and take the paper from her hands. “Did you now?” I ask, looking over the various doodles on the paper. Asami said homework but in reality we are just having her practice Kanji before she starts school, though calling the scribbles on the paper Kanji is being a bit generous. “Wow it looks great!”

“Were you able to read it?” She asks impatiently.

_No not at all._ “I sure did and it was awesome, you did a great job.”

Asami frowns at me and huffs to herself. “You’re lying aren’t you?” She says in an accusing tone.

I scoff at her. “What? No I mean it, it’s really good.” I say with a nervous laugh.

“Then what does it say?” She asks in a very serious (and oddly chilling) tone.

“Well….ummm” I fall silent as a I begin to sweat nervously, this child is only five years old. “Okay I can’t read it but it still looks good…” I trail off as Asami gives me a death glare, if looks could kill I would be dead on the spot, she’s only five!

“Don’t take it personally Asami, You’re Father is just jealous that your handwriting is better then his that’s all!” Yuri yells from the kitchen dragging a giggle out of our daughter.

Asami points and laughs at my embarrassment. “Thank you babe, glad to know you have my back. In sickness and health and all that.” Yuri’s laughter is the only response I get as Asami relentlessly teases me.

“You’re handwriting is worse than mine!” Asami teases in a song like voice.

I raise an eyebrow at her. “You have to the count of five to run.” I say calmly.

Asami’s teasing immediately stops and she leaps up to run but I immediately grab her. Her high pitched scream echoes through the halls as I spin her around upside down. “You were supposed to count to five!” She yells as I relentlessly spin her.

I flash her a smile. “I did, I just count really fast.” I set her down on the couch and relentlessly tickle her sides, she’s just like her mother.

“NOOO!” She yells out between fits of laughter and gasps of air.

“Say you’re sorry.” I ask politely.

“N-no!” She retorts clearly out of breath, I continue the endless barrage before she finally submits. “I’m sorry.” She breathes.

“See that wasn’t so hard now was it?” Asami responds by sticking her tongue out at me. “Okay, go brush your teeth and get dressed, we have to take Mom to the airport okay?”

Asami’s sapphire eyes light up. “And then we can go to granny and grandpa’s house?” She asks in an excited tone.

I let out a laugh at her behavior. “You know it, now hurry up Bun, breakfast is almost ready.”

“Kay!” Asami shouts while sprinting towards the bathroom.

She loves going to Mom’s house, it was the only reason she wasn’t too upset that Yuri is going to be gone an entire week. It still feels weird hearing Asami call Jobon her grandpa. Mom eventually started seeing Jobon, who also worked for the Aimoto’s as well. Naturally I was skeptical of the man, though in hindsight it wasn’t because he was a bad guy. He was always straight up with me and treated Mom with respect, made her laugh, he truly loved her. So far he has been an amazing husband to her and an excellent grandfather to Asami. As far as she knows, he is her grandfather. For years I was worried that when Dad got out of prison he would try to enter our lives again. Where before I was worried for Mom, now I had to worry about her and my daughter. I was not going to let him anywhere near her. For years I was just waiting for things to fall apart, like they always do. What happened instead however was unexpected to say the least. Six months after Dad got out of prison, he was found dead in a motel after ingesting a lethal mixture of alcohol and painkillers. Due to his previous substance abuse however it was impossible to determine if it was an accidental overdose or if it was suicide. Even after everything he had done to her, Mom still paid for the funeral service and with me by her side, we were the lone occupants of Jeremy Thompson’s funeral. Even now I still feel bitter towards the man, He did nothing to earn my sympathy even in death and yet there exists a tiny part of me that believes that, in his own sick and twisted way, he kept his promise to me. It’s a tiny, almost insignificant part of me, and I’m almost certain he just overdosed, but whatever the reason for his death there was one thing that remains true, the best thing my Father did for me was dying, it’s a cruel and sickening thought, for a cruel and sickening man.

I enter the kitchen once again and stare at the hallway as Asami’s voice rings out from the bathroom. She is humming a song to herself to make sure she brushes her teeth for the appropriate amount of time. I love her to death, everyday with her brings me insurmountable joy but it also brings a tinge of pain. Her behavior, the way she likes her hair, the bow she refuses to leave the house without, right down to the impossible blue eyes of hers, When I see her, I see Sayori as well. Is it her child like behavior? She is only five sure and part of me wonders if she will completely grow out of it. The way she speaks, the way she always has a smile on her face, how she, a five year old I stress, can see right through me as if I’m made of glass, every part of her reminds me of Sayori. I often wonder Bun, I wonder how you would react to meeting my daughter, would you act as her aunt? Or perhaps her older sister? Or maybe just as a best friend? My train of thought is derailed as Yuri approaches me from behind and wraps her arms around my chest. I pat her arm affectionately and crack a smile. It’s painful, knowing that Sayori is not around, it’s painful that every time I see my daughter, I see Sayori as well, but in a way it’s also a blessing. If Asami is half the person Sayori was, then I have absolutely nothing to be worried about. If I had to find a word for this feeling, it would be the one that you preferred Bun, bittersweet. 


End file.
